Lovefraud recently received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Andrew.”
I recently met a lady out of the blue after I had sat at home alone for 2 years. She is the victim of a sociopath—reads & posts on the Lovefraud site trying to heal. She says she can’t tell me all the damage done & I don’t need to know—it’s her business unless she feels she needs to share.
She had cabin fever—had to get out for a night—hence our meeting. Well I had basically given up on finding someone until I met her. We instantly clicked. It was so good for 3 weeks—making plans of fun things to do. I thought it would help her heal—to go have fun again.
I think she started liking me too much in that short period of time—got scared & slammed on the brakes. She says she needs time, but truly values my friendship & adores me. I’m trying to give her “time.” It’s so hard when she lit up my life for a while.
She wants to see me again, but doesn’t know when.
I have no motives other than to get to know her & help her get over the past. She might just be the one if we spend the time to know one another.
I have read the Lovefraud blog trying to understand—some really sad stories.
What should I do?
In the thousands of emails that I’ve received, this is the first time someone has asked this question (which I’ve paraphrased) how do you approach a potential romantic partner when that person has been burned by a sociopath? I appreciate that fact that Andrew cared enough to ask the question.
I will answer the question assuming that everything is exactly as presented—a woman, whom we’ll call Caroline, had a terrible experience with a sociopath and is skittish about opening herself to another man. Andrew honestly likes Caroline, and wants to get to know her better. I will assume that neither Andrew nor Caroline is actually a predator who is looking for a new source of supply.
This, of course, is something that Caroline, and everyone else who has been betrayed and damaged by a sociopath, needs to understand and believe: There are good people in the world. Yes, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators—sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines. But that still means that 88 percent of the world’s people are not disordered, and are capable of having a loving relationship.
Understand where she’s been
So, Andrew, the first thing for you to understand is that Caroline has been through the meat grinder. She’s experienced betrayal that has rocked her to her core. She’s certainly suffered emotional and psychological abuse, and may have also suffered verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. In fact, it may be a miracle that she is still standing.
If you’ve never experienced this level of betrayal—most people haven’t—it may be hard for you to believe what she’s gone through. Should she tell you anything about what happened, it may sound like a bad movie, and you may be inclined to think she is exaggerating. I assure you, when someone is involved with a sociopath, anything is possible. I’ve collected more than 3,200 cases, and many of the stories should be made into movies. You can’t make this stuff up.
Caroline, however, is accustomed to not being believed. She may have gone to court and to the police, and they didn’t believe her story. It’s possible her friends or her own family do not believe her. So one of the best things you can do is believe her. It will help her feel validated.
Go slow
Andrew, you will need take things very slowly. It’s likely that the sociopath swept into Carolin’es life in a whirlwind romance—if you call all the time, if you are overly exuberant about wanting to see her, it may set off alarm bells, because that’s how the sociopath acted. Let her set the pace. Keep things light.
Understand that trust needs to be earned. This may be why Caroline got into trouble in the first place—she trusted too readily. Now, she may have gone too far in the other direction, and resolved to never trust anyone again. This is an unhealthy position, because we do need to be able to trust in order to live a good life. But you may not know how much progress Caroline has made in regaining her ability to trust.
So if you want to move forward, you need to be trustworthy. Tell her the truth about everything. Keep your promises. Call when you say you’re going to call, and show up when you promise that you’ll show up. In fact, I hope that’s how you live your life anyway.
It may not work
Finally, it is possible that Caroline simply is not recovered enough to think about another involvement. If she tells you that she really can’t be in a relationship, don’t argue with her, and don’t take it personally. You may just need to accept it and move on.
But if Caroline indicates that does want to get to know you, albeit slowly, getting closer will probably be worth the wait. Before hooking up with the sociopath, Caroline was probably loving, giving, caring, responsible, dynamic and empathetic—because that’s the type of person that sociopaths target. So if she’s able to find herself, and open herself—well, it could be rewarding for both of you.
Lovefraud readers: If you have any more suggestions for Andrew, please post them.
Donna, what a profound email – that someone cares enough to get to know a survivor to ask for suggestions is beyond my ability to comprehend. Seriously.
From my experiences, I would like to add that Andrew simply listens and hears the words that Caroline speaks. No judgements, and no expressions of, ‘Yeah, I know just what you mean…” Unless Andrew has survived and recovered from a sociopathic entanglement, he cannot possibly “know” what Caroline means. Also, I would strongly urge that Andrew avoid even entertaining the idea that he will somehow “help her” to put her past behind her. The second exspath approached me with that very same insinuation – that HE could somehow help me to move on.
The reason that I say this, Andrew, is that survivors of sociopathic entanglements cannot, should not, and will not allow themselves to look to any other human being to “save” them, if they are well along their healing paths.
Thank you for this profound article and Andrew’s email.
Brightest hopeful blessings for this friendship!!!
“So if you want to move forward, you need to be trustworthy. Tell her the truth about everything. Keep your promises. Call when you say you’re going to call, and show up when you promise that you’ll show up. In fact, I hope that’s how you live your life anyway.”
Absolutely imperative. If running late or something comes up, call/txt. Nothing sends me running for the hills faster than if I feel I’m being toyed with. Frankly, it is simple courtesy, but you’d be surprised how many people aren’t being raised with a good grasp of good manners these days!
I agree with Truthspeak. I have the similar experience. My second spath wanted to “rescue” me, but all he ever did was use my past against me and reopen all the old wounds. If he really cares for this woman, I think he should follow Donna’s advise. Be gentle with her, respect her boundaries, keep his words, listen to her and try be understanding if she might overreact in some occations. The moment he wants to save her, he has allready made her a victim again instead of seeing the strenght that’s carried within her. She is a survivor. Nothin more, nothing less. She will save her self. Just be there for her when she needs it.
I mostly agree with following her pace and thruthspeak’s comment of allowing her to save herself.
A survivor of a relationshit with a spath needs time and space to feel and introspect what they want and need in given situations and have the room to make decisions on these introspections without fearing a backlash from it.
They have experienced how their body, their hormones and their personality strengths were used against themselves in order to destroy them. It’s not just the spath that betrayed them, but in part as if their own nature betrayed themselves. The trust that needs to be recovered within boundaries not only applies to other people but also themselves. They try to prevent a repeat of the similar self-betrayal by taking a lot of time and introspection how a certain situation felt to them.
So, if you want to help her, you encourage her to take her time, encourage her to do other stuff besides meeting you, and do not take hesitation personal.
I visit/read here a lot, but do not post much. On the occasion(s) that I have, it’s been through commenting/sharing an article via FB.
If indeed this “Andrew” is speaking the truth, then I wish him all the luck in the world (he’s gonna need it)….however, this situation he speaks of rings a little too familiar to be coincidence to me, personally.
As I read the post, my gut clenched a little — if I am not wrong, then I’d like to say that “adores” is more than a stretch and “wants to see again” is a complete fallacy. I’d really like to be wrong about this because if I’m not, then the level of “creepy” just catapulted way over the line that was already crossed.
On another note, I wish every genuine person here the best of healing.
I have been reading this page for a long time and I cannot say how much it has helped me to see who my previous boyfriends are. Also my ex husband was a psychopath and I have spent the last year healing and reading pages like this. I can honestly say that it has put me off men for the rest of my life and now for the first time in my life, I am able to really enjoy life . On my own. It’s a bit like being born all over again(without the religious awakening, should I say). I am more than content to live life on my own, without a partner, and therefore I understand why the lady in this article is more than reluctant to get to know another man. I just would not take the chance. I have suffered too much and have decided that I will not invest time,emotions or my sanity in order to get involved with another man. I am very happy to be living with my dogs(at least they are genuine), I have an interesting job, good friends and I study. There are so much more to life than being someones’ spouse or girlfriend . For the first time in my life, I actually like myself, I don’t have to worry about ‘signs’ in a partner, strange behaviour and most of all, I don’t have anyone around me trying to injure me or damage me, fraud me or put me down. I love it!
blankspot,
I take it you have the impression “Andrew” is someone you know and that his letter is a “red flag” for you and it’s creeping you out.
I can understand that. I didn’t like the reference “she might be the one” based on “3 weeks of fun” and “instantly clicked” And I had the impression as if a grown man needed some “do” recipe to “fix” it.
Best of luck to you, blankspot!
Excellent blog! Good for “Andrew” to want to understand and help, he obviously cares. All of us who’ve been affected by a sociopath can probably relate to this “…has been through the meat grinder. She’s experienced betrayal that has rocked her to her core. She’s certainly suffered emotional and psychological abuse, and may have also suffered verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. In fact, it may be a miracle that she is still standing.” That was me! Glad I found someone who cared and didn’t give up on me 🙂
Andrew, the thing that “stands out in big red letters” to me is that you WANT TO HELP HER HEAL….while your Intentions may be very altruistic the fact is that NO ONE ELSE CAN HELP US HEAL…we must do it ourselves.
IT is like child birth where there is no surgical intervention possible, we have to do it OURSELVES, and while someone may hold our hands during the process or go “push push!” or “breathe breathe” it is still all about us doing it totally ourselves. We are the ones that have to push on through the pain.
You say that “she wants to see me again” but doesn’t know when, I suggest that you just wait and see if she will contact you. She may and she may not, but I think that it must be SHE that makes the contact (or not)
In the meantime, I would suggest that you read here as well. There is a lot of good information, not just on the disordered people but on healing ourselves and how that must be done.
Way too many times people who are wounded jump into another relationship thinking that will “heal” them., when in fact, it only delays the grief process from the previous loss. I know I did exactly that after my husband died suddenly. I hooked up with a psychopath for a time and was rewounded.
The information and learning available here is not limited to only about psychopaths, but also about living a good functional healthy life.
I also see Red flags in Andrew’s need to rescue. But mostly, his suggestion that she might be “the one”, is the biggest red flag. After 3 weeks? And after 2 years of not dating? It sounds like the first step in the 3-part: idealize, devalue and discard.
hmm… go slow Andrew, for your sake as well as hers.