Lovefraud recently received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Andrew.”
I recently met a lady out of the blue after I had sat at home alone for 2 years. She is the victim of a sociopath—reads & posts on the Lovefraud site trying to heal. She says she can’t tell me all the damage done & I don’t need to know—it’s her business unless she feels she needs to share.
She had cabin fever—had to get out for a night—hence our meeting. Well I had basically given up on finding someone until I met her. We instantly clicked. It was so good for 3 weeks—making plans of fun things to do. I thought it would help her heal—to go have fun again.
I think she started liking me too much in that short period of time—got scared & slammed on the brakes. She says she needs time, but truly values my friendship & adores me. I’m trying to give her “time.” It’s so hard when she lit up my life for a while.
She wants to see me again, but doesn’t know when.
I have no motives other than to get to know her & help her get over the past. She might just be the one if we spend the time to know one another.
I have read the Lovefraud blog trying to understand—some really sad stories.
What should I do?
In the thousands of emails that I’ve received, this is the first time someone has asked this question (which I’ve paraphrased) how do you approach a potential romantic partner when that person has been burned by a sociopath? I appreciate that fact that Andrew cared enough to ask the question.
I will answer the question assuming that everything is exactly as presented—a woman, whom we’ll call Caroline, had a terrible experience with a sociopath and is skittish about opening herself to another man. Andrew honestly likes Caroline, and wants to get to know her better. I will assume that neither Andrew nor Caroline is actually a predator who is looking for a new source of supply.
This, of course, is something that Caroline, and everyone else who has been betrayed and damaged by a sociopath, needs to understand and believe: There are good people in the world. Yes, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators—sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines. But that still means that 88 percent of the world’s people are not disordered, and are capable of having a loving relationship.
Understand where she’s been
So, Andrew, the first thing for you to understand is that Caroline has been through the meat grinder. She’s experienced betrayal that has rocked her to her core. She’s certainly suffered emotional and psychological abuse, and may have also suffered verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. In fact, it may be a miracle that she is still standing.
If you’ve never experienced this level of betrayal—most people haven’t—it may be hard for you to believe what she’s gone through. Should she tell you anything about what happened, it may sound like a bad movie, and you may be inclined to think she is exaggerating. I assure you, when someone is involved with a sociopath, anything is possible. I’ve collected more than 3,200 cases, and many of the stories should be made into movies. You can’t make this stuff up.
Caroline, however, is accustomed to not being believed. She may have gone to court and to the police, and they didn’t believe her story. It’s possible her friends or her own family do not believe her. So one of the best things you can do is believe her. It will help her feel validated.
Go slow
Andrew, you will need take things very slowly. It’s likely that the sociopath swept into Carolin’es life in a whirlwind romance—if you call all the time, if you are overly exuberant about wanting to see her, it may set off alarm bells, because that’s how the sociopath acted. Let her set the pace. Keep things light.
Understand that trust needs to be earned. This may be why Caroline got into trouble in the first place—she trusted too readily. Now, she may have gone too far in the other direction, and resolved to never trust anyone again. This is an unhealthy position, because we do need to be able to trust in order to live a good life. But you may not know how much progress Caroline has made in regaining her ability to trust.
So if you want to move forward, you need to be trustworthy. Tell her the truth about everything. Keep your promises. Call when you say you’re going to call, and show up when you promise that you’ll show up. In fact, I hope that’s how you live your life anyway.
It may not work
Finally, it is possible that Caroline simply is not recovered enough to think about another involvement. If she tells you that she really can’t be in a relationship, don’t argue with her, and don’t take it personally. You may just need to accept it and move on.
But if Caroline indicates that does want to get to know you, albeit slowly, getting closer will probably be worth the wait. Before hooking up with the sociopath, Caroline was probably loving, giving, caring, responsible, dynamic and empathetic—because that’s the type of person that sociopaths target. So if she’s able to find herself, and open herself—well, it could be rewarding for both of you.
Lovefraud readers: If you have any more suggestions for Andrew, please post them.
Sunflower, that is a fact: three spaths (including the exspath) read up on traits, etc…..and, they used them to their own gain.
Spaths ask questions, they surely do. They even ask questoins that may seem as if they’re on fire to be educated. But, what their motivation is runs a completely different course than that of a “normal” person.
This is not to suggest, by any stretch of the imagination, that Andrew is a spath.
Caroline wasn’t in a space to enter into a relationship. She felt threatened, and pulled the brake. And, that’s it.
I think that any attempt at dissecting this situation is futile simply because we don’t know the whole scenario. We cannot tell Andrew what he should/shouldn’t do. We can’t tell Caroline what she should/shouldn’t do. But, we can discuss this as it pertains to ourselves and our own reactions and responses, and I think that this is a WONDERFUL discussion!
I am absorbing a lot of insight, and this is insight that I’m really in need of exploring, personally.
Brightest blessings
Do you know what Truthy, you are so right. My ex asked all kinds of questions about women. Many times I thought to my self: OMG what planet are you on, haven’t you ever been near a woman or what? In the aftermath I now see how he used my knowledge and me as a training doll so he could become great in bed, so he could lure other women later on. He would perform sexual acts I didn’t like, but he wanted to become great at it.
Whether or not Andrew is a spath, I applaud Caroline for taking such good care of her self. It was one step forward. She listened to her self, without knowing what he might be. She set boundaries for her self and stuck with it regardless. She did good!
I am learning so much here! From Tami’s letter to Sunflowers and Truthspeaks, also Speaking Up!! How a sociopath works and the questions they ask!! As for me my ex first found out what I loved the most to get closer to me… I noticed he did this with everyone he came in contact with!
Still—Carolines case whether or not this was just a simple plea to give her space for herself (so she could sort out her feelings perhaps), or whether she liked him AS MUCH as HE SAYS still is unclear. I could be that she was not as crazy about him as he was her therefore and she tried to stop it before it got too deep with those words that she used to help slow it down….might of been the wrong choice of words, but from what I am seeing she tried. Main thing I am seeing is because he would not stop or even slow down,( if much at all), she tried to stop it in her own way, and I am sure without hurting him …. if that were possible?
I feel if he had of listened to her request she might of been able to see him more but he pressed the matter and she stopped it? He didn’t know what time and space meant? Is that so hard to understand yet he “acted” like he didn’t know? And from what I have been reading, Some people ACT dumb to seem innocent when they are not!???? These are really awesome letters!!! Makes me think!
Thank you to all!!
Alive!!! and thankful!
Sunflower,
There are several ways to deal with the anger in a harmless way. Anger was what came very soon for me after the discard, and I imagined him standing in my livng room and throwing china at him in my mind, with each china plate representing something specific I was angry about. And with each imagined shattered plate I let go of the resentment and anger about that specific issue. At first I had to do this several times a day, but then only once a day, until only occasionally and after a few months not at all anymore.
Anger and rage are very physical emotions. So, normally it is best to channel it in a physical way (I was recovering from a knee operation so nothing physical for me really at the time).
But other tricks are pummeling a pillow or the mattrass (these items physically suck the anger out of you), and imagining it to be him.
You can buy second hand china plates and smash them to smithereens in the garage.
Someone once told me she used to get a carton of eggs and smash them against the wall in the garden and then hoze it all away with the water hoze.
LIkewise you can set up some cans and smash them down with some balls.
And I believe Spoon’s suggestion of hte blue surf can help in this too: imagine him in your head, now make his face blue, and shrink him until he’s the size of a smurf, including the voice distortion. Then press a blow-up button and blow him up in one big kaboom, until you see nothing but blue paint dripping in your vision.
In any case, your anger needs a relief somehow and you don’t need to feel guilty for imagining him to be the target of it. It’s not even wishing or vengeful thinking. You’re just venting it at someone who caused it but isn’t there, and you can’t actually do any harm.
Alive, I mostly remember the ex-spath used every verbal communication about a boundary was used to trample it. If he knew he could annoy me or upset me in a certain way and I would explain him to stop it, he would at that instance, but would look for ways to do it again with the explicit intent to annoy me. He was like a child of 2 in the phase where even mentioning “I don’t like you doing that,” would certainly provoke him to do it for sure at some moment I wasn’t paying attention, although he would always verbally agree “to not do that”.
It’s one of the first things I notice now: when people (doesn’t matter who) ignore my verbal pointing out of a boundary. I may try the verbal approach once or twice. But by the third time, I’ll have removed myself out of the situation already. If I’m not there or not in contact with them, they can’t ignore and trample the boundary anymore: basically “problem solved”.
Darwinsmom, good advice:) I want to scream and punch, but I don’t have any place to do it. I still keep it in me. I think I’ll scare my neighbours to death if I did it right here! lol…
I love the egg thing, but I rent my appartment and the house is newly painted, again my landlord would drop his chin! Ha ha ha… Sounds good though:)
Sunflower, do you have transportation? Perhaps you can drive down to some pretty area where you aren’t likely to meet a person at a certain hour: a lake, a beach, a hill, a forrest, and just scream as long as your lungs wish to.
Lol, yeah I do:) Great advice:)
I would like to say as far as “anger” goes. I am not as angry at the person for doing what they did with me as I am with myself for not knowing the deceit!!!
I have learned to forgive everyone except for myself it seems!! Even when the man lied and I knew it, I STILL believed it even when red flags where all over the place. That is a real CON man! Someone who has gotten in our heads, whom we let in our hearts, whom we trusted are out to get whatever they can out of us. My ex already had a lover before our divorce was final, and I believe these people have to HAVE someone on the front lines in order to HIDE THEIR LIES!
Is that what you all have noticed also?
Alive,
Yes, a part of us is angry at ourselves too. But have you ever been really angry at him for what he did?
If not, then it seems you are still in a ‘blame myself faster than others’ phase. You can’t really forgive someone if you are not capable of putting responsibility where it ought to be first. You may be at fault for not having protected yourself enough, but you didn’t tell him or ask him to hurt you either. Those were HIS choices and HIS actions. Yes, you may have trust too blindly, but trusting someone doesn’t give that someone else the right to treat you badly.
I had blamed myself a great deal DURING the relationship, by the time he discarded me I had enough of blaming myself of not succeeding getting him to respect me, and I was ready to blame him for his abuse. That is why anger is part of the healing process… it helps people to emotionally draw the line between who’s responsible for what.
Just a simple example: when I gave him money to get his divorce papers in order (he was divorced, but only counted in the US, not in Nicaragua), that’s what I gave him money for. It’s perhaps stupid to have given him money at all, after all it was HIS divorce (and not mine). But that he spent the money on drugs, alcohol and other women is not my fault, but his choice and his lie. He would have only had the right to spend it on that if I had given it to him with the explicit request or admittance by me it was his money to do with as he pleased. But that’s not what I did. I actually didn’t give HIM that money: I paid his lawyer directly. What I did not know was that the lawyer and him had agreed to con me into asking for more as well as pretending it took longer than it actually did to get more money. Whatever precaution I had tried to set up, he would circumvent with deception and lies. Those were his actions, not mine.