Lovefraud recently received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Andrew.”
I recently met a lady out of the blue after I had sat at home alone for 2 years. She is the victim of a sociopath—reads & posts on the Lovefraud site trying to heal. She says she can’t tell me all the damage done & I don’t need to know—it’s her business unless she feels she needs to share.
She had cabin fever—had to get out for a night—hence our meeting. Well I had basically given up on finding someone until I met her. We instantly clicked. It was so good for 3 weeks—making plans of fun things to do. I thought it would help her heal—to go have fun again.
I think she started liking me too much in that short period of time—got scared & slammed on the brakes. She says she needs time, but truly values my friendship & adores me. I’m trying to give her “time.” It’s so hard when she lit up my life for a while.
She wants to see me again, but doesn’t know when.
I have no motives other than to get to know her & help her get over the past. She might just be the one if we spend the time to know one another.
I have read the Lovefraud blog trying to understand—some really sad stories.
What should I do?
In the thousands of emails that I’ve received, this is the first time someone has asked this question (which I’ve paraphrased) how do you approach a potential romantic partner when that person has been burned by a sociopath? I appreciate that fact that Andrew cared enough to ask the question.
I will answer the question assuming that everything is exactly as presented—a woman, whom we’ll call Caroline, had a terrible experience with a sociopath and is skittish about opening herself to another man. Andrew honestly likes Caroline, and wants to get to know her better. I will assume that neither Andrew nor Caroline is actually a predator who is looking for a new source of supply.
This, of course, is something that Caroline, and everyone else who has been betrayed and damaged by a sociopath, needs to understand and believe: There are good people in the world. Yes, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators—sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines. But that still means that 88 percent of the world’s people are not disordered, and are capable of having a loving relationship.
Understand where she’s been
So, Andrew, the first thing for you to understand is that Caroline has been through the meat grinder. She’s experienced betrayal that has rocked her to her core. She’s certainly suffered emotional and psychological abuse, and may have also suffered verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. In fact, it may be a miracle that she is still standing.
If you’ve never experienced this level of betrayal—most people haven’t—it may be hard for you to believe what she’s gone through. Should she tell you anything about what happened, it may sound like a bad movie, and you may be inclined to think she is exaggerating. I assure you, when someone is involved with a sociopath, anything is possible. I’ve collected more than 3,200 cases, and many of the stories should be made into movies. You can’t make this stuff up.
Caroline, however, is accustomed to not being believed. She may have gone to court and to the police, and they didn’t believe her story. It’s possible her friends or her own family do not believe her. So one of the best things you can do is believe her. It will help her feel validated.
Go slow
Andrew, you will need take things very slowly. It’s likely that the sociopath swept into Carolin’es life in a whirlwind romance—if you call all the time, if you are overly exuberant about wanting to see her, it may set off alarm bells, because that’s how the sociopath acted. Let her set the pace. Keep things light.
Understand that trust needs to be earned. This may be why Caroline got into trouble in the first place—she trusted too readily. Now, she may have gone too far in the other direction, and resolved to never trust anyone again. This is an unhealthy position, because we do need to be able to trust in order to live a good life. But you may not know how much progress Caroline has made in regaining her ability to trust.
So if you want to move forward, you need to be trustworthy. Tell her the truth about everything. Keep your promises. Call when you say you’re going to call, and show up when you promise that you’ll show up. In fact, I hope that’s how you live your life anyway.
It may not work
Finally, it is possible that Caroline simply is not recovered enough to think about another involvement. If she tells you that she really can’t be in a relationship, don’t argue with her, and don’t take it personally. You may just need to accept it and move on.
But if Caroline indicates that does want to get to know you, albeit slowly, getting closer will probably be worth the wait. Before hooking up with the sociopath, Caroline was probably loving, giving, caring, responsible, dynamic and empathetic—because that’s the type of person that sociopaths target. So if she’s able to find herself, and open herself—well, it could be rewarding for both of you.
Lovefraud readers: If you have any more suggestions for Andrew, please post them.
I have NO idea how I managed to miss Andrew’s posts…thank you SO much, Darwinsmom, for leading me to it! However, after reading it, I still see him in the same light. I really don’t feel that he is a predator and while “time and space” can hold several meanings, NO CONTACT or NC is mostly a part of our vocabulary and usually refers to the best way to deal with spath that we were victimized by rather than new people that we encounter. Andrew seems to be a direct communicator and blunt. I am, too, but realize the need to be a bit careful in how I choose my words when communicating with people on Lovefraud because I am very aware that a lot of people’s emotions are in a fragile state. My ordeal happened in December of 2006 and I consider myself pretty much healed. I still come here from time to time when I meet up with yet another spath or narcissist that I have to deal with in a non-romantic manner…I will NOT be romantically involved with one ever again! I also come here sometimes sharing my story of healing MIGHT be beneficial to someone who is still in the process.
I also noted that while Andrew referred to being an open book and a straight talker that he, too, said that he struggles with the ability to write short messages as I do! LOL! And, what Donna said about our being too quick to label is very true as well as written communication being easily misinterpreted! We can’t hear the tone nor see the expression behind a person’s words. Also, Andrew was attacked almost immediately and I’d say he felt the need to be a little defensive although he was apologetic after realizing that he had overstepped some boundaries. And, he didn’t HAVE to post anything at all. He could have easily tucked his tail between his legs without even attempting to explain where he was coming from. He’s also at an age to be in a bit of a rush. My current husband and I were both 49 when we re-met after 30 years and pretty much started living together within 2 weeks! And, our parents freaked despite the fact that our families had known each other through 4 generations. LOL! I think they still very much viewed us as kids and believed that we were having a hot passionate romance fueled by lust and infatuation when in reality, we were enjoying watching the ID channel together while pigging out on chips and struggling to stay awake past 9:00! We lived together for about 7 months and got married.
And, it was only after we got married that I gave up my apartment. We talked about the fact that people probably felt that we were moving fast but also halfway joked about how we didn’t have a lot of time to waste at our age!
Dupey, thank you so much. Yes, I am very proud of my son for realizing that he needed to life together for his daughter. And, yes, Springer, might have been in order for Mike’s Morons a few years ago but I think we need to drag that man-child to Dr. Phil!
tami,
most people here aren’t labeling andrew a spath. I know I don’t. I have no opinion, nor judgement about andrew, the person. I just note that his actions end up not respecting the boundaries caroline put up. As I said, plenty of people end up violating boundaries for all sorts of reasons, plenty of them being well meaning and good people, but often too wrapped up in their own emotions, fears, pain, worry and needs that they are blind and deaf to the boundaries of others, or in my own life experience often people who are fixers… people who regarded me as their saviour while they were at a low in their life and when they feared or projected I might be in need of help started to meddle in my business behind my back, ending up ruining things instead of actually helping at all.
I use ‘no contact’ to anyone who crosses my boundaries after two or three times, despite me warning them not to. There are several such people I ousted out of my life, almost none of them being spaths. Some wandered back in years later and I have occasional contact with them. These would be people who grew and realized they had been going through an unintentional destructive phase in their lives and that I was correct to prevent them from dong further damage by cutting them out of my life.
In such events I tend to use the phrase “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
Misdirected anger – this is when I’ve felt anger at myself for having “allowed” myself to be taken in and duped by a long-con. Okay. I was angry because I trusted. I was angry because every spath that I’ve come into contact with has abused that trust. Alrightythen…..
Let’s just get a grip on what righteous anger is and where it deserves to be directed. The spath set me up. The spath “read” my vulnerabilities and strengths. The spath exploited all of my faults and strengths to his (and, her) advantages. I may be guilty of not having boundaries, but I’m not farking guilty of destroying people’s lives. And, that, my dear friends, is the core of the anger issue: the spath created the damages, deliberately, intentionally, and with malice.
We HESITATE to express anger, in the first place. It’s “wrong” to be angry. We are expected to “forgive” and give people the “benefit of the doubt.” We are not “supposed” to express our anger with other people, especially people that we love. We are to choke everything down because everything is our responsibility, including the “happiness” of a predator.
Feeling anger and expressing it doesn’t make us evil. It doesn’t make us “bad people.” It doesn’t mean that we are harsh or cruel. It means that we have a right to our feelings if they’ve been trampled upon by someone. THIS is why we were such grand targets: we felt responsible to please someone else, or everyone else.
Anger becomes an obsession. It’s a cyclical thing – we are angry because we were duped. We feel powerless to fix this situation as we are expected to, and we are angry at ourselves because we somehow failed The Test to be loved and appreciated by a predator. Well, we didn’t fail anything except our boundaries. So, let’s start talking about the people that deserve our righteous anger.
When that anger is purged through expression, writing, physical activity, or some other positive activity, it’s like taking a scalpel to an abcess – it opens that wound up, and releases the INFECTION. The spath was not only an addiction, but an INFECTION of our psyche.
Here’s to squeezing that spath zit and applying that much-needed balm of self-love.
Brightest blessings
To clarify: my response, above, is completely OFF-TOPIC on this discussion….. 😀
Tami, I don’t think that anyone actually suggested that the author of the email was a sociopath, but that they recognized “red flags.” Just because a person may be flapping “red flags” doesn’t necessarily preclude that they are sociopaths. But, what recognizing “red flags” DOES do is to alert me that someone may, for whatever reason, be a threat to my personal well-being.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak,
All in all the anger issue of me being duped makes me want to slap myself. I cant believe it….. talk about lala land! Then how on earth do you start another relationship? And in the case of Andrew and Caroline, is that just a normal situation? I think it very well could be! XCEPT those victimized can pick up the RED FLAG a little faster? I hope so!
Thank you for the anger information!
Alive
Thruthspeak, I had very well intentioned friends in my life once who ended up being meddlesome: one torpedoed my trial night at a bar (when I had NO JOB) because she thought working in a bar was beneath my abilities; the other knew I was anxious over a guy I was falling in love with (yup I was going through the total anxiousness of double entendres, did his snuggling up to me mean this or that, etc) and so she decided to step up to him and tell him to be careful with me and not hurt me because I was in love with him (I was 34, he 29, she was 27), while him and I were just getting to know each other. So basically she turned it into some childish theater where the friend plays the messenger and torpedoed any chance I might ever have had with him (and no she wasn’t interested in him). Him and I ended up being friends, but while he was curious and interested he wasn’t in love yet and confronted with this painted image of a woman heavily in love with him was something he understandably distanced himself from.
Both at the time could not see what the hell they had done wrong. Both argued they had acted on my best behalf. But I still think I have the prerogative to make mistakes, risk hurt and possibly ruin my life all on my own without the help from my “friends”. I already have two parents who wouldn’t even dare to do what they did. And it was exactly because they didn’t understand that basic right to lead my own life, mistakes and all, at the time that made me cut them out of my life immediately.
Darwinsmom, WOW!!! YES!!!! “Friends” can be just as toxic as the next person. I wrote about a former “friend” that targeted women who were experiencing dire circumstances, and so forth, and it took me a long time to put the pieces together, but I cut her out of my life without incident.
You are 100% spot-on that we are entitled to make our mistakes, on our own, without the assistance of toxic interferences.
I have a very low tolerance for interference unless it is a genuinely life-threatening situation. Even then, if what I’m doing is a matter of free will, then I have to learn about my own mistakes, myself.
Brightest blessings
Alive, this is one of the reasons that I’m a strong advocate for engaging in counseling therapy. A strong therapist can help us to identify the core of the blame and shame, and help us set it straight so that we learn how and where our feelings come from, and how to best manage core issues.
Brightest blessings
I must say that the first one eventually contacted me again after a few years and we had a conversation where she initiated how she recognized she had been wrong, how it had been difficult at first to not have me in her life, but that in a way it forced her to deal and confront her own life and make it better… instead of trying to fix my life, she ended up fixing her own life. She even thanked me for cutting her out of her life. Nowadays, we call and meet every few months. There is no danger anymore of her doing the same thing again.
She even met the ex-spath with me when he was here. And she mentioned directly to me that she thought I deserved a better man afterwards (when he was back in Nicaragua), but she didn’t press the matter nor mingled in it.
We have a more healthy contact now: she doesn’t need me so much anymore in her life, and instead of meddling she gives her opinion straightforward and lets me make up my own mind.
The latter one is a facebook friend of mine, but she hardly dares to say hello to me at an accidental encounter even years later. That tells me she doesn’t yet comprehend that I cut her off rather out of necessity, not anger (though I was angry at the time), and thus not fully comprehend how she caused the situation and thus can also uncause it.