Lovefraud recently received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Andrew.”
I recently met a lady out of the blue after I had sat at home alone for 2 years. She is the victim of a sociopath—reads & posts on the Lovefraud site trying to heal. She says she can’t tell me all the damage done & I don’t need to know—it’s her business unless she feels she needs to share.
She had cabin fever—had to get out for a night—hence our meeting. Well I had basically given up on finding someone until I met her. We instantly clicked. It was so good for 3 weeks—making plans of fun things to do. I thought it would help her heal—to go have fun again.
I think she started liking me too much in that short period of time—got scared & slammed on the brakes. She says she needs time, but truly values my friendship & adores me. I’m trying to give her “time.” It’s so hard when she lit up my life for a while.
She wants to see me again, but doesn’t know when.
I have no motives other than to get to know her & help her get over the past. She might just be the one if we spend the time to know one another.
I have read the Lovefraud blog trying to understand—some really sad stories.
What should I do?
In the thousands of emails that I’ve received, this is the first time someone has asked this question (which I’ve paraphrased) how do you approach a potential romantic partner when that person has been burned by a sociopath? I appreciate that fact that Andrew cared enough to ask the question.
I will answer the question assuming that everything is exactly as presented—a woman, whom we’ll call Caroline, had a terrible experience with a sociopath and is skittish about opening herself to another man. Andrew honestly likes Caroline, and wants to get to know her better. I will assume that neither Andrew nor Caroline is actually a predator who is looking for a new source of supply.
This, of course, is something that Caroline, and everyone else who has been betrayed and damaged by a sociopath, needs to understand and believe: There are good people in the world. Yes, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators—sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines. But that still means that 88 percent of the world’s people are not disordered, and are capable of having a loving relationship.
Understand where she’s been
So, Andrew, the first thing for you to understand is that Caroline has been through the meat grinder. She’s experienced betrayal that has rocked her to her core. She’s certainly suffered emotional and psychological abuse, and may have also suffered verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. In fact, it may be a miracle that she is still standing.
If you’ve never experienced this level of betrayal—most people haven’t—it may be hard for you to believe what she’s gone through. Should she tell you anything about what happened, it may sound like a bad movie, and you may be inclined to think she is exaggerating. I assure you, when someone is involved with a sociopath, anything is possible. I’ve collected more than 3,200 cases, and many of the stories should be made into movies. You can’t make this stuff up.
Caroline, however, is accustomed to not being believed. She may have gone to court and to the police, and they didn’t believe her story. It’s possible her friends or her own family do not believe her. So one of the best things you can do is believe her. It will help her feel validated.
Go slow
Andrew, you will need take things very slowly. It’s likely that the sociopath swept into Carolin’es life in a whirlwind romance—if you call all the time, if you are overly exuberant about wanting to see her, it may set off alarm bells, because that’s how the sociopath acted. Let her set the pace. Keep things light.
Understand that trust needs to be earned. This may be why Caroline got into trouble in the first place—she trusted too readily. Now, she may have gone too far in the other direction, and resolved to never trust anyone again. This is an unhealthy position, because we do need to be able to trust in order to live a good life. But you may not know how much progress Caroline has made in regaining her ability to trust.
So if you want to move forward, you need to be trustworthy. Tell her the truth about everything. Keep your promises. Call when you say you’re going to call, and show up when you promise that you’ll show up. In fact, I hope that’s how you live your life anyway.
It may not work
Finally, it is possible that Caroline simply is not recovered enough to think about another involvement. If she tells you that she really can’t be in a relationship, don’t argue with her, and don’t take it personally. You may just need to accept it and move on.
But if Caroline indicates that does want to get to know you, albeit slowly, getting closer will probably be worth the wait. Before hooking up with the sociopath, Caroline was probably loving, giving, caring, responsible, dynamic and empathetic—because that’s the type of person that sociopaths target. So if she’s able to find herself, and open herself—well, it could be rewarding for both of you.
Lovefraud readers: If you have any more suggestions for Andrew, please post them.
darwinsmom – you are correct about him being someone I think I know — there weren’t any red flags to speak of before, although there was a “creepout instance” after I’d broken things off. It did last right at 3 weeks and within the first week, he wanted me to meet his parents! (WTactualH!!) My reasoning for pulling back and ultimately ending things really didn’t have anything to do with a red flag — I just decided I wasn’t ready to deal with a relationship yet. I don’t believe he is an Spath, although he does know mine – I think he’s lonely and more than a little bit needy. Sorry, but those are not my problems to deal with – ya know? Anyway, thanks for the well wishes, and know they come right back atcha (and everyone else here looking for healing)!
Oh, let’s not be too cynical. When I was single, every time I met someone I thought he might be “the one.” There’s no point wasting time on a first date if you don’t at least hope something might more might evolve.
Isn’t the feeling of “the one” we all have problems letting go by of our spaths?
I agree, I also thought to my self: RED FLAGS alert! If I respond to this, am I telling another spath how to do it? BUT if we are to let go and move forward we can’t jump to conclusions every time a man shows interest. If we continue doing that, will we ever heal?I mean, when we have been burned so badly we kinda look for signs and if we look hard enough we will always find something to put a finger at. Balance is the key. Do as the spaths do. Observe first, then make a conclution.
Right, and when I first read the letter, I wondered how he knew she posted on LF. Why would someone who wanted to establish her boundries around her “business” of recovery, give him that information.
I don’t tell anyone I post on LF, just because what I share here is so personal, and I need it to be a sanctuary where I feel safe sharing anything.
Just in case it is “Andrew” that I’m thinking of — I did not tell him I posted here (cause I usually don’t), but I did share an article on FB that struck me — and he commented on the shared article.
I am not new here – I have posted a way long, long time ago (Feb/Mar 2011-ish?).
I understand credibility in person is always a crap shoot, and once the Internet is involved, it is almost unheard of…I just don’t want anyone thinking that I’m stirring up the pot. 🙂
Why not come to LF? I know I would. If I met a guy who had cancer I would search the web and forums, to try to learn about what it is and how to deal with it. Read blogs from people who describes what it’s like. Not necessarily to become a doctor and remove the cancer, but to learn something about that person, something I could understand. If I found out that it would be too much for me to deal with I would let that person go instead of getting more involved and have to hurt that person all over again. I think it’s ok to know what your getting your self into. Lord know’s if I knew about the spath beforehand, I would have run the opposite direction…
Sunflower, yes, someone you’re dating and learns about a spath past may end up reading here. And that is commendable. But I’d hope they speak directly to me about it or ask general questions, rather than go specific if they are sure that I frequent this blog. I’d be creeped out if a man who claims to be interested in me after such a short acquaintance would ask such outright advice from Donna how to get me to trust him. I agree with Sky it comes off as trying to gain control over the situation and the prospected date, slightly manipulative.
Blankspot, if “Andrew” is the man you’re thinking of, then he just shot his own toe off, I’d suspect especially by misreresenting the situation.
Donna, I think you did the right thing to post this letter and request as well as with the provisional answer you gave. True people can still think in terms of “the one” without being a spath and in a harmless way, but I’d doubt they’d use that phrase to me in just 3 weeks to me or my friends, especially if they are men in the 30s or older.
His toe was shot off long before he stepped in it this way! LOL Totally creeptastic.
Also – I completely agree with your “the one” sentiment, darwinsmom.
After my 20 year relationship with my spath I went to counseling and felt my self start to recover. Every once in a while the old longing for that “known” person would throw me for a loop again. It was hard for me to grasp that I had been so stupid for so many years.
Well to make a long story short, my daughter talked me into posting on one of those dating web sites. I started getting responses from some of the gentlemen. There was one in particular that in the first email sounded interesting so I responded. In my first email I listed several of my “bad points” and suggested a friendship. He replied and told me more about himself. He rides a motorcycle (I’m afraid to and get too sunburned), he is a non smoker and I’m puffing away like a smokestack right now. I threw a few more curves his way and he accepted all of them and wanted to continue communication. At first I felt flattered and then I started seeing red flags. He seemed too good to be true and usually they are. The one redeeming factor is that he retired from the place my daughter works now. So I asked her to check him out for me. She hasn’t gotten back to me yet because it was a completely different department. Am I being paranoid? We have only exchanged three emails but I just don’t trust my own judgement right now. Any suggestions?
Oxy – as usual, you nailed it!