Lovefraud recently received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Andrew.”
I recently met a lady out of the blue after I had sat at home alone for 2 years. She is the victim of a sociopath—reads & posts on the Lovefraud site trying to heal. She says she can’t tell me all the damage done & I don’t need to know—it’s her business unless she feels she needs to share.
She had cabin fever—had to get out for a night—hence our meeting. Well I had basically given up on finding someone until I met her. We instantly clicked. It was so good for 3 weeks—making plans of fun things to do. I thought it would help her heal—to go have fun again.
I think she started liking me too much in that short period of time—got scared & slammed on the brakes. She says she needs time, but truly values my friendship & adores me. I’m trying to give her “time.” It’s so hard when she lit up my life for a while.
She wants to see me again, but doesn’t know when.
I have no motives other than to get to know her & help her get over the past. She might just be the one if we spend the time to know one another.
I have read the Lovefraud blog trying to understand—some really sad stories.
What should I do?
In the thousands of emails that I’ve received, this is the first time someone has asked this question (which I’ve paraphrased) how do you approach a potential romantic partner when that person has been burned by a sociopath? I appreciate that fact that Andrew cared enough to ask the question.
I will answer the question assuming that everything is exactly as presented—a woman, whom we’ll call Caroline, had a terrible experience with a sociopath and is skittish about opening herself to another man. Andrew honestly likes Caroline, and wants to get to know her better. I will assume that neither Andrew nor Caroline is actually a predator who is looking for a new source of supply.
This, of course, is something that Caroline, and everyone else who has been betrayed and damaged by a sociopath, needs to understand and believe: There are good people in the world. Yes, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators—sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines. But that still means that 88 percent of the world’s people are not disordered, and are capable of having a loving relationship.
Understand where she’s been
So, Andrew, the first thing for you to understand is that Caroline has been through the meat grinder. She’s experienced betrayal that has rocked her to her core. She’s certainly suffered emotional and psychological abuse, and may have also suffered verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. In fact, it may be a miracle that she is still standing.
If you’ve never experienced this level of betrayal—most people haven’t—it may be hard for you to believe what she’s gone through. Should she tell you anything about what happened, it may sound like a bad movie, and you may be inclined to think she is exaggerating. I assure you, when someone is involved with a sociopath, anything is possible. I’ve collected more than 3,200 cases, and many of the stories should be made into movies. You can’t make this stuff up.
Caroline, however, is accustomed to not being believed. She may have gone to court and to the police, and they didn’t believe her story. It’s possible her friends or her own family do not believe her. So one of the best things you can do is believe her. It will help her feel validated.
Go slow
Andrew, you will need take things very slowly. It’s likely that the sociopath swept into Carolin’es life in a whirlwind romance—if you call all the time, if you are overly exuberant about wanting to see her, it may set off alarm bells, because that’s how the sociopath acted. Let her set the pace. Keep things light.
Understand that trust needs to be earned. This may be why Caroline got into trouble in the first place—she trusted too readily. Now, she may have gone too far in the other direction, and resolved to never trust anyone again. This is an unhealthy position, because we do need to be able to trust in order to live a good life. But you may not know how much progress Caroline has made in regaining her ability to trust.
So if you want to move forward, you need to be trustworthy. Tell her the truth about everything. Keep your promises. Call when you say you’re going to call, and show up when you promise that you’ll show up. In fact, I hope that’s how you live your life anyway.
It may not work
Finally, it is possible that Caroline simply is not recovered enough to think about another involvement. If she tells you that she really can’t be in a relationship, don’t argue with her, and don’t take it personally. You may just need to accept it and move on.
But if Caroline indicates that does want to get to know you, albeit slowly, getting closer will probably be worth the wait. Before hooking up with the sociopath, Caroline was probably loving, giving, caring, responsible, dynamic and empathetic—because that’s the type of person that sociopaths target. So if she’s able to find herself, and open herself—well, it could be rewarding for both of you.
Lovefraud readers: If you have any more suggestions for Andrew, please post them.
Speaking up,
I’m so sorry you are dealing with the spaths in your school.
Annie is right. They were testing you. You showed the emotions they wanted to feed on. So they fed. No emotion is the key.
Be boring and bland. When you are that way, they can’t even see you. They lose interest.
Today, I went to Saturday mass. A woman from the congregation got up to speak. OMG she was so boring. No spath would ever go near her. She talked about some conferences she went to for Catholics. She described the day, the food, the prayer sessions. Nothing exciting, it was so dry. For me, it was riveting (lol) because I am a student of spaths and how to avoid them. She fit the bill perfectly.
This isn’t easy for us who have been in the company of spaths for our whole lives. We are used to drama. We have to learn not to react. No matter what they do. Dumb yourself down. Be boring. Act like you don’t notice anything. Talk about the weather and the food.
Skylar, yes – even if the environment wasn’t spath but dysfunctional or narcissistic, it’s all about drama/trauma. For some, the drama/trauma becomes almost a Life’s Blood – they feel empty without some cycle of madness going on.
“…they can’t even see you.” I have always been described as vivacious, witty, and “fun to be around,” and I don’t even want anyone “around” me, anymore. I just want to eke out an existence, do what I need to, and keep my Self to myself – if that makes any sense.
Brightest blessings
Well, I am up to my eye-balls in trauma/drama, this morning.
I spent the night with my GS so SIL could have his little outting. GS stayed in his room playing video games. I watched TV then fell asleep on the couch.
SIL and his daughter came in at about 11. My daughter left me her car, so I’d have a way to get to and from work.
SIL blocked me in and went to bed…did not speak one word to me….He had previously made the car a pawn in a power play, by demanding it be parked in the driveway when he got home from his little week-end get-away. Daughter assured me it wasn’t an issue.
So, he parks behind me, and goes to bed. This, so I have yo have contact with him, or go without the car, which daughter has given me permission to drive. So, remakably, I find a way to drive around and get out.
I have the adreniline pumping…..
but, I get scared, because I know I just pissed off a viper….
I text daughter, telling her I have her car, but will bring it back before work, will call a cab.
Then text SIL, informing him of the same.
I get a text from him: YOU BETTER HAVE THAT CAR IN THE DRIVEWAY BY 4 PM…..
WTF? I just told him that I had decided to drop it off before 2……this is still an attempt to be big daddy. An unwillingness to accept that he got trumped.
Guys, I am SO AWARE of what I’m doing. I am so caught up in this spath drama, and now, I have to stop,
I just texted him that I’m done with him….I won’t tolerate his control tactics…now, I have to mean it. I have to go NC with him. I know my daughter will be so pissed off at both of us and she will be the one to bare the brunt of all this, cause she’s the only one who cares. She’s the one in the middle….she’s the one who has the, “Why can’t we all just get along?” mentality.
Help.
Dear Kimmie,
First off, BOINK for giving in and staying with the GS….
Second, TOWANDA for getting the car out.
Towanda for deciding to go NC with the SIL
Now, as for your daughter being in the “middle”–she has CHOSEN to stay with this jerk, knowing he is a jerk, etc. SHE is responsible for HER relation-shit with him, and all the problems that causes HER
You are NOT responsible for her problems with him, SHE IS!
You can NOT change him, you can NOT change her decision to stay with him…so this is NOT something over which you have any control….except how YOU react to him and YOUR relationship with him.
Back when my son C was married to the P-DIL I knew she was trouble….from the get go. I tried to “help” them and “keep the peace” and you know what happens to “peace keepers?” Yea, you do, you’ve had enough 12 step programs to know EXACTLY what happens to people who try to “keep the peace” in dysfunctional relation-shits. They get pounded into the ground and there is STILL NO PEACE.
1. Accept that the situation is what it is
2. Accept that YOU have NO control over what it is.
3. Then take control over what you DO have control over…your reaction to it.
You resent him exercising control over you and your daughter….so STOP GIVING it control. Stop giving HIM control and go NC with him and mean it.
Whatever relationship you can have with your daughter in spite of the situation may not be much, but that is HER CHOICE, not yours. I didn’t have much relationship with son C while he was married to her, and I blamed it on HER, but I found out in the end, that the problem wasn’t HER it was him and his dysfunctional behaviors and thoughts. He really didn’t want much of a relationship with me. Once she was gone, I thought for a while that we had a relationship but it was really only while I did what he wanted me to do.
I am not saying that you can’t salvage some kind of relationship with your daughter, but you can see that SHE is not living a functional life. Her living with an abusive man is proof that she is not healthy. Thhe fact that she went to the funeral to try to find some kind of relationship with her “father” after he is dead proves it as well. You can’t make her get healthy, but you can MODEL HEALTHY BEHAVIOR TO HER AND YOUR GRANDKIDS.
Now, RANT OVER…go ye and live the healthy life that you know you can do. (((hugs))) and God bless.
Truthspeak,
I just had to say your message to Lillian was great and well written with visuals and all. I loved “the palm up of course”, lol.
I am struggling with reinventing my existence after being happy with my existence prior to spath attack on our lives.
I have to look for a job and get my…. “everything” back in order including a resume which I didn’t need for over 20 years as I was self employed and now well, I am not.
It makes me sick and blows my mind sitting down to attempt to put myself on paper in the resume when I feel the past 3 and a half years have been completely focused on family courts and protection measures for myself and my daughter. I was learning law, researching and background checking along with networking with many other faceplanted moms and advocates. This was not my previous line of work except I did hold a private investigators license. So who am I now? I feel stunned. Shellshocked. Middle finger and rear view mirrors sound very good to me right now.
Does everyone find resumes so grueling? jeez.
Your post sounded so inspiring I had comment and say thanks
Kim, are you kidding? The SIL told YOU what you were going to do?! ROTFLMAO!!!!!! OMG, it’s so outrageous that it’s ludicrous!
YES, NC and mean it, just as OxD has suggested. And, you are not responsible for your daughter’s choice in partners – you aren’t. The only control that you have is over yourself – you. Your Self. And that SIL trifling jackass can take his car and…..let me stop before I get going.
BRIGHTEST supportive blessings to you
Eralyn, resume writing is a pain in the backside. But, when I had to rewrite mine, I went back through my “history,” and I had a lot of awards and was awarded a scholarship, was involved in college clubs and stuff…..I started taking a pride in my accomplishments, and it sort of morphed into something that was my opportunity to blow my own horn. Before my marriage ended, I didn’t take credit for my accomplishments because, god forbid, I didn’t want to make the exspath feel as worthless as he was.
So, yeah….it IS stressful, but it’s a necessary thing, and your chance to put YOUR talents, strengths, and achievements down on paper.
Brightest blessings!
Kim, family stuff can be so difficult. I’m very grateful that I walked away from the remaining toxic family members I had. It’s really sad, and I feel nostalgic a lot. But I don’t get the drama, so it’s worth it. One of my clients was just telling me about how her family is guilt tripping her because she’s not doing more for them around the time of her grandmother’s death. She was never close to that grandmother nor to that side of the family. In addition, she finds them passive aggressive and not truly supportive of her, and this is one of the reasons she has distanced herself. Now she finds herself caught between family obligation and what she really wants (which is to focus on her own life).
It’s really great when you can continue to have a good relationship with siblings, parents, and children after everyone becomes an adult. But in reality, the only *obligation* you have is to raise your kids to adulthood. Then they make their own choices. They are no longer obligated to you nor you to them. So many families have these hidden contracts with each other and just won’t let go. They make demands and have expectations that they wouldn’t dare have with other people. You have no obligation to put up with it just because they are “family”. Your obligation ended when your daughter turned 18. I imagine it’s really hard to give up the role of mother. I know my mother wanted to still “mother” me when I was in my 30’s because she felt guilty for neglecting me when I was young. The thing is, as an adult, I didn’t need that type of mothering anymore.
My .02 is that I agree with Oxy and others: focus on your own life and let your daughter live with the consequences of her choices. Getting involved in her life seems to be toxic for you. You shouldn’t feel guilty for washing your hands of it. It’s probably the best thing for you and for her.
Kim, What happened to the bliss of being alone in your home, hugging your washer and dryer and rubbing pinky doodles tummy? Sheesh, I hope calm pays you a visit very soon. maybe you and gs could go to a movie or go for a walk…..hugz
Kim, you know, I was thinking about your situation throughout the day, yesterday. And, it struck me as absolutely intolerable that anyone would say to me (or, you, or Donna, or anyone else) that “You’d BETTER have _____ by _____.” Or, what? What are you going to if I’m a half hour overdue? SUE ME?!?! Call the cops and report your vehicle stolen?!?!?! WTF is RIGHT!
The SIL is aware of the your desire to keep the peace because of the grandson and your daughter. He’s also pretty adept at pushing your proverbial buttons – most spaths are. He’s comfortable in playing the Dictator because he’s aware that you love your daughter and grandson and that you don’t want to risk losing them through No Contact.
Now, it comes down to what you will and will not tolerate from him, or anyone else. GOOD FOR YOU to go NC, even if it’s a risk. This isn’t about your daughter or your grandson – it’s about you, your healing, and your well-being. This is just one of those episodes that further confirms the fact that the SIL is an abusive jerk, and there’s nothing that you can do, say, or wish that will make your daughter “get it” about this man. She’s going to have to learn this, on her own, just as you did. And, it is a natural desire to protect our children from “bad people,” it is. But, we can’t do that without becoming a controlling and manipulative person, ourselves.
This is temporary, Kim, and this will just serve as a reference to you in the future.
Brightest supportive blessings