Lovefraud recently received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Andrew.”
I recently met a lady out of the blue after I had sat at home alone for 2 years. She is the victim of a sociopath—reads & posts on the Lovefraud site trying to heal. She says she can’t tell me all the damage done & I don’t need to know—it’s her business unless she feels she needs to share.
She had cabin fever—had to get out for a night—hence our meeting. Well I had basically given up on finding someone until I met her. We instantly clicked. It was so good for 3 weeks—making plans of fun things to do. I thought it would help her heal—to go have fun again.
I think she started liking me too much in that short period of time—got scared & slammed on the brakes. She says she needs time, but truly values my friendship & adores me. I’m trying to give her “time.” It’s so hard when she lit up my life for a while.
She wants to see me again, but doesn’t know when.
I have no motives other than to get to know her & help her get over the past. She might just be the one if we spend the time to know one another.
I have read the Lovefraud blog trying to understand—some really sad stories.
What should I do?
In the thousands of emails that I’ve received, this is the first time someone has asked this question (which I’ve paraphrased) how do you approach a potential romantic partner when that person has been burned by a sociopath? I appreciate that fact that Andrew cared enough to ask the question.
I will answer the question assuming that everything is exactly as presented—a woman, whom we’ll call Caroline, had a terrible experience with a sociopath and is skittish about opening herself to another man. Andrew honestly likes Caroline, and wants to get to know her better. I will assume that neither Andrew nor Caroline is actually a predator who is looking for a new source of supply.
This, of course, is something that Caroline, and everyone else who has been betrayed and damaged by a sociopath, needs to understand and believe: There are good people in the world. Yes, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators—sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines. But that still means that 88 percent of the world’s people are not disordered, and are capable of having a loving relationship.
Understand where she’s been
So, Andrew, the first thing for you to understand is that Caroline has been through the meat grinder. She’s experienced betrayal that has rocked her to her core. She’s certainly suffered emotional and psychological abuse, and may have also suffered verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. In fact, it may be a miracle that she is still standing.
If you’ve never experienced this level of betrayal—most people haven’t—it may be hard for you to believe what she’s gone through. Should she tell you anything about what happened, it may sound like a bad movie, and you may be inclined to think she is exaggerating. I assure you, when someone is involved with a sociopath, anything is possible. I’ve collected more than 3,200 cases, and many of the stories should be made into movies. You can’t make this stuff up.
Caroline, however, is accustomed to not being believed. She may have gone to court and to the police, and they didn’t believe her story. It’s possible her friends or her own family do not believe her. So one of the best things you can do is believe her. It will help her feel validated.
Go slow
Andrew, you will need take things very slowly. It’s likely that the sociopath swept into Carolin’es life in a whirlwind romance—if you call all the time, if you are overly exuberant about wanting to see her, it may set off alarm bells, because that’s how the sociopath acted. Let her set the pace. Keep things light.
Understand that trust needs to be earned. This may be why Caroline got into trouble in the first place—she trusted too readily. Now, she may have gone too far in the other direction, and resolved to never trust anyone again. This is an unhealthy position, because we do need to be able to trust in order to live a good life. But you may not know how much progress Caroline has made in regaining her ability to trust.
So if you want to move forward, you need to be trustworthy. Tell her the truth about everything. Keep your promises. Call when you say you’re going to call, and show up when you promise that you’ll show up. In fact, I hope that’s how you live your life anyway.
It may not work
Finally, it is possible that Caroline simply is not recovered enough to think about another involvement. If she tells you that she really can’t be in a relationship, don’t argue with her, and don’t take it personally. You may just need to accept it and move on.
But if Caroline indicates that does want to get to know you, albeit slowly, getting closer will probably be worth the wait. Before hooking up with the sociopath, Caroline was probably loving, giving, caring, responsible, dynamic and empathetic—because that’s the type of person that sociopaths target. So if she’s able to find herself, and open herself—well, it could be rewarding for both of you.
Lovefraud readers: If you have any more suggestions for Andrew, please post them.
Oxy, either someone mentioned that exchange about the letter before or I remember that event myself. Or it may have been the posts of those guys SKy mentioned.
Stormy, if you’re seeing red flags, you’re seeing red flags. I woudn’t doubt them. Let’s say that even if you’re seeing too much in it, and the man is good and healthy, it implies that you are not ready to date, good man or no good man.
I had more correspondence with Andrew than was posted here. I haven’t personally met the man, so I can’t say for sure, but he seems to be authentic. Maybe Andrew just wants to understand why a lady who caught his eye has suddenly gotten scared. And maybe he is someone who authentically wants to help. That doesn’t mean he’s a predator. After all, many of us wanted to help and our intentions were honorable.
Sometimes Lovefraud readers are too quick to label people on the basis of a few written sentences. I really think it’s inappropriate.
Remember – 65% to 90% of human communication is non verbal. That means when we read words on a computer monitor, 65% to 90% of the meaning is missing. Plus, everyone had different writing skills. I’m sure Andrew did not anticipate that his every word would be examined under a microscope.
Personally, I think life is better lived in relationship with people, rather than suspicious of everyone who crosses our path. If we haven’t gotten to the point were we can trust ourselves to trust people – knowing that people should earn our trust – I think we should work on getting there.
Now we know that sociopaths exist. Now we know the warning signs. Now we know that our intuition will tell us if someone is dangerous. With this information, we can move forward.
Oh my goodness, I can’t believe people are so cynical here that they are thinking “Andrew” is a spath? Wow. His story reminds me of a really excellent movie I saw a few years back called “The Secret Life of Words.” The main character was a young woman with a dark secret. She barricaded herself, her life and her heart from everyone. When she was forced to take a vacation at work, she didn’t know what to do with herself so she took a job as a nurse on an oil rig at sea, nursing a man (played by Tim Robbins) back to health who had been blinded and injured in an explosion. As they got to know each other, he managed to puncture her thick wall of isolation, and she opened up to him how she’d been taken hostage in a concentration camp at the age of 21, and of all the horrors that had happened to her and her friends at the young age. She was tortured, raped, and much worse, and had the scars to prove it. When her job was over, he didn’t know how to find her but felt he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He managed to track down her former therapist. Though the therapist could not reveal any personal information about the woman, she did explain to him about “survivor’s guilt” which helped him understand her austere and pleasureless life. In the end, he found her, and they married. All those years later, though she was still haunted by her horrific past, she had found a measure of love an happiness. Sometimes, if you are willing to trust just a little, love can know no boundaries. Of course it is always better to approach a relationship completely healed and ready (which can take a lifetime), but sometimes things happen when we’re not ready, and we become ready. Love is a great healer. I know countless true stories of a mate whose love helped their partner heal from trust and abuse issues.
To move forward in any relationship, there must be an element of trust.
I agree, Donna. I think, as survivors, we are just learning to respect our intuitions, and we sometimes have hair triggers. We over-react, because we are only just learning “to act, on our own behalf” at all. I’m sorry if I sound critical. You’re right, Andrew may be just a sweet soul who wants to help. But, I need to trust my instincts, and everything I’ve learned about red-flags.
I’m just pointing out what bothers me a bit. Doesn’t mean he’s a predator, or bad, or toxic.
Stargazer, nobody here accused Andrew of being a spath. They only mentioned some thing that made them nervous, edgy, and in the case of one poster who suspects Andrew is someone she knows is creeped out if it’s that man.
There’s a big difference between saying “hmm, not so fond of that action, it’ giving me goosebumps” and “he’s a spath”. You know that difference, and so do others here. It still does not mean we should ignore the goosebumps we might get from another person, whether we are ready to date or not at all. It’s by ignoring our senses we ended up here in the first place.
And irregardless of whether “Andrew” is a good, honest guy or not, I feel that the woman in question has every right to choose her own pace, and if she doesn’t want to see him she’s free to do so too for whichever reason she wants.
Yeah, I’ll bet it was a really great movie because it confirms all your long held beliefs that some man will swoop in and take away all the hurt and disappointment and save you….if you will just believe. Hog wash!!!
Had enough. I don’t need to convince you. Pollianna. Keep your dreams and your romantic fantacys alive, at all costs. Maybe, just maybe, You’ll find Prince Charming. I hope you do.
You can call us cynics; say we are cutting ourselves off from love, fine. Maybe so. But I think you are a dreamer.
Stormy, based on what you said in your post and no further information, I don’t see any red flags. I don’t know what “too good to be true” means to you, but there are good and decent people out there. Like Donna said, most communication is non-verbal, and that’s why it’s better to meet with someone sooner rather than later before you start building a fantasy up in your mind. I think it’s good to slowly get to know them, letting them earn your trust over time, and to trust yourself to spot a red flag. To me, red flags in a new date can be 1. not keeping an agreement (failing to show up at the appointed time, not calling when he says he will, etc.), 2. constantly talking about his ex, especially if he’s bitter about a divorce, or 3. telling you he’s in love with you and wants to marry you after just one or two dates (lovebombing). You should be able to use your gut feeling as a barometer, too. How do you feel around him? Do you find yourself constantly needing to set a boundary with him? (This is how I felt on first meeting with my spath).
Regarding the smoking thing, I’m allergic to cigarette smoke, but I’ve dated a few smokers if I really liked them, and we worked it out, at least for the short term. It’s now on my list of no-no’s for a partner, but some people don’t care.
In any event, in a dating situation, it’s always best not to put too much energy into a first date – just regard it as a casual meeting of a new friend – and have other dates in the wing if you can, so you don’t get too hung up too soon on one guy. This is what is known as “circular dating” and it is recommended as a healthy way to date by dating experts.
One of the big problems I see with online dating is not so much that all the men there are predators, but that women jump right into relationships with these guys before waiting to find out what the guy’s about. That’s a good way to get exploited. Last year, I dated 3 or 4 guys from a dating site that were all prospects for a relationship – 2 of them moreso than the others. I did not sleep with them, but went out to dinner with them around 3 times each, very casually. I usually overlapped them, dating a few at a time. During that period, I got to know them and see their character. Eventually, things popped up that showed me they were not the right person for me – some were big red flags, but with others, it was just an incompatibility (one was very cheap, for instance, and I didn’t like that). It was relatively easy to leave because I hadn’t gotten too involved with them. One of them wanted to get involved right away. That was a red flag to me. I gave him a few more chances, and eventually larger flags appeared. With each guy, it took about 3 weeks to see that he was not right for me. But the experience of dating was very positive because it helped me to see what I want and don’t want in a man and to fine tune my requirements.
I hope this helps, from someone that has been back out in the dating arena for the last 3 years or so. I don’t want you to think I’m perfect at it though – I’m still battling my demons, too.
I have been lurking on this thread all day and its interesting to see how everyone is so leery of “Andrew”. I don’t blame folks for feeling this way, but that feeling is exactly what I am worried about.
Like many of us, I dream of one day being able to move on to a happy and healthy relationship; however, I am terrified of falling in love with another psychopath OR letting a good man pass me by because I am so hurt and paranoid about running into another one.
Once you have been love bombed, you begin to worry about that wonderful “I’m in love feeling”. This is so unhealthy on one hand…but it seems like a natural defense mechanism.
My question for Donna is what should us “survivors of a psychopathic relationship” do when we come across a new man who seems to care? No matter how much I want to live happily ever after, I am just as pessimistic and terrified as many others on this site. This “Andrew” could be perfectly normal and just a romantic at heart, but I can also see how his behavior would be scary.
I went out on a date a couple of weeks ago and after he kissed me I ended up freaking out about it for about an hr afterward. That is when I realized that dating anyone right now was not a good idea. I hate being in a place where I project my baggage onto the next guy.
What I have gone through with my ex was NOT normal as many folks on here. At some point, we probably all need to accept that not all people are not bad and all people are not psychopaths.
Okay. Here I go again. Really wanting to get my point across and getting angry because I’m up against a brick wall. I’m sorry Star. You are entirely your own person with her own experience. I am triggered right now…still trying to make sense of my own experience. I will tell you, though, that there is no fairytale ending….there is only reality. Reality can be good or bad, depending on how hard we are willing to work, how couragious we are in facing it, and how much we value it. How resistant are we to reality. How hard do we work to prove we are right, at our own detriment. How much are we like a dog protecting our bone. When do we really surrender…when the hurt, hurts too bad, and we admit we were wrong….that our cherished beliefs were not true. That there is no perfect someone who will kiss us and wake us up, and take us away from ourselves?
let’s se
Kim, I do believe that love can heal. I guess that makes me a dreamer – I will keep on dreaming. Many of the things I’ve dreamt have come to pass in my life, so I won’t write out that there are wonderful people out there who can help us heal. Sometimes they are therapists, sometimes friends, and sometimes partners/lovers. However, it will only work if we let them help us and are willing to share our pain with them. I know of many relationships – healthy and loving relationships – where one partner helped their spouse to come to terms with a difficult past. I think at some point, anyone who has been abused is going to have issues pop up in a relationship. That doesn’t mean we should abandon the relationship, that we are not ready, or that our partner is somehow co-dependent for wanting to help us. Not necessarily anyway. I think if a person is willing to take responsibility for their own issues, a relationship with a loving partner can be very healing. Many of my early relationships were healing for me in that regard. My first boyfriend was the first person who ever loved me, and his loved helped me and changed me immensely.
In the film, the guy didn’t swoop down and save her. He was just someone she trusted to open up to. Once they opened up to each other, their love developed in spite of her past. That’s how I took the story anyway. And yes, I do believe it’s possible for someone to love us in spite of our flaws and issues. But we have to know we are lovable in spite of those things. If we don’t, we will forever be on the treadmill of working on ourselves until we are perfect so we can be lovable. The reality is that we should always be growing and working on ourselves anyway – with or without a partner. I know I’m not perfect. I’m going through a lot of crap right now, triggered by a man who has come into my life that I really like. But that doesn’t mean I’m not lovable or dateable.