Lovefraud recently received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Andrew.”
I recently met a lady out of the blue after I had sat at home alone for 2 years. She is the victim of a sociopath—reads & posts on the Lovefraud site trying to heal. She says she can’t tell me all the damage done & I don’t need to know—it’s her business unless she feels she needs to share.
She had cabin fever—had to get out for a night—hence our meeting. Well I had basically given up on finding someone until I met her. We instantly clicked. It was so good for 3 weeks—making plans of fun things to do. I thought it would help her heal—to go have fun again.
I think she started liking me too much in that short period of time—got scared & slammed on the brakes. She says she needs time, but truly values my friendship & adores me. I’m trying to give her “time.” It’s so hard when she lit up my life for a while.
She wants to see me again, but doesn’t know when.
I have no motives other than to get to know her & help her get over the past. She might just be the one if we spend the time to know one another.
I have read the Lovefraud blog trying to understand—some really sad stories.
What should I do?
In the thousands of emails that I’ve received, this is the first time someone has asked this question (which I’ve paraphrased) how do you approach a potential romantic partner when that person has been burned by a sociopath? I appreciate that fact that Andrew cared enough to ask the question.
I will answer the question assuming that everything is exactly as presented—a woman, whom we’ll call Caroline, had a terrible experience with a sociopath and is skittish about opening herself to another man. Andrew honestly likes Caroline, and wants to get to know her better. I will assume that neither Andrew nor Caroline is actually a predator who is looking for a new source of supply.
This, of course, is something that Caroline, and everyone else who has been betrayed and damaged by a sociopath, needs to understand and believe: There are good people in the world. Yes, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators—sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines. But that still means that 88 percent of the world’s people are not disordered, and are capable of having a loving relationship.
Understand where she’s been
So, Andrew, the first thing for you to understand is that Caroline has been through the meat grinder. She’s experienced betrayal that has rocked her to her core. She’s certainly suffered emotional and psychological abuse, and may have also suffered verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. In fact, it may be a miracle that she is still standing.
If you’ve never experienced this level of betrayal—most people haven’t—it may be hard for you to believe what she’s gone through. Should she tell you anything about what happened, it may sound like a bad movie, and you may be inclined to think she is exaggerating. I assure you, when someone is involved with a sociopath, anything is possible. I’ve collected more than 3,200 cases, and many of the stories should be made into movies. You can’t make this stuff up.
Caroline, however, is accustomed to not being believed. She may have gone to court and to the police, and they didn’t believe her story. It’s possible her friends or her own family do not believe her. So one of the best things you can do is believe her. It will help her feel validated.
Go slow
Andrew, you will need take things very slowly. It’s likely that the sociopath swept into Carolin’es life in a whirlwind romance—if you call all the time, if you are overly exuberant about wanting to see her, it may set off alarm bells, because that’s how the sociopath acted. Let her set the pace. Keep things light.
Understand that trust needs to be earned. This may be why Caroline got into trouble in the first place—she trusted too readily. Now, she may have gone too far in the other direction, and resolved to never trust anyone again. This is an unhealthy position, because we do need to be able to trust in order to live a good life. But you may not know how much progress Caroline has made in regaining her ability to trust.
So if you want to move forward, you need to be trustworthy. Tell her the truth about everything. Keep your promises. Call when you say you’re going to call, and show up when you promise that you’ll show up. In fact, I hope that’s how you live your life anyway.
It may not work
Finally, it is possible that Caroline simply is not recovered enough to think about another involvement. If she tells you that she really can’t be in a relationship, don’t argue with her, and don’t take it personally. You may just need to accept it and move on.
But if Caroline indicates that does want to get to know you, albeit slowly, getting closer will probably be worth the wait. Before hooking up with the sociopath, Caroline was probably loving, giving, caring, responsible, dynamic and empathetic—because that’s the type of person that sociopaths target. So if she’s able to find herself, and open herself—well, it could be rewarding for both of you.
Lovefraud readers: If you have any more suggestions for Andrew, please post them.
OMG…and I thought my Psychology class was interesting this evening! OX I think that the guy that wanted help with the letter was my x, back when I was writing under Adelle to hide from him.
ANDREW: One thing many of us have learned here is that we should not be so concerned about what others think of us but more about what we think of ourselves. If you feel offended here, keep in mind that we (most of us here) have been deceived and hurt….and yes we are on defense mode. I can understand the need to defend oneself…been there done that with my ex when he would claim that I was the abuser and what have you. Is your conscious clear Andrew? (I think it is)…if so…just let that be your guide….if Carolyn wants…she will contact you I’m sure. Your opinion of yourself and your actions is more important than ours!
PEACE
Wow. How did it get misinterpreted that having the love of another person in your life means that you need someone to save you, complete you, or make you whole? It *can* be beneficial, enjoyable, healing, and wonderful to have someone in your life who loves you. You don’t need to be 100% healed or on your game at all times in order to have a healthy relationship. Most people have issues. It’s how you work with the issues within the relationship that determines if the relationship will be healthy and where your level of consciousness is. Some impeccable communications skills help, too. Relationship can be a spiritual path, if both people are of that mindset.
It makes me sad that this would be misunderstood and misinterpreted that to want such a thing is some sort of co-dependent sick aberrance, and that if we love someone with issues, it means we are narcissistic or fixers. I can certainly understand the need and desire to recluse after a period of intense trauma with a sociopath. When you’ve been hurt and betrayed a lot, you need to have a period of healing and reflection – some longer than others. But it doesn’t need to be a lifelong sentence for everyone. It is possible to trust again, and it is possible for a loving person to come along. I’m not saying it’s gonna happen for everyone. I’m just saying that it’s possible. It happened for Donna. It’s happened for many people I know. I hope that doesn’t get reduced to my being Pollyanna, but if so, I guess people are at where they’re at, and there’s not much I can say about it.
In my own recovery, I picked a hobby that pushes every single one of my buttons in a big, big way. I don’t look at it as I’m SO f*cked up. I look at it as I’m a very strong person to ask the universe to bring it on. I want to heal these things so I can attract more love into my life. Of course this needs to come from the inside first. But after all, we don’t live in a vacuum. We are social beings. We can’t just go around pretending we don’t need others because others have hurt us. That’s the catch 22. We’ve been badly hurt. But we still need others and at some point, if we want to heal, we are going to have to trust and open up to them.
Regarding the comment (last one)from Andrew. He is 56, is giving the impression that he is serious and genuine. But howcome he does not at all respect her boundaries? He is trying so much to make us see that HE is the right one. HE is doing the right thing and she is the one making his ‘project’ so diffucult. I have no sympathy for the devil, I’m afraid. And seriously, a grown man using phrases like ‘pissed off’ and screwed up’…He sounds very angry for not getting his way, if you ask me….
Andrew you explained,
“Then ’red flags or emotions got involved ” She told me she needed “time & space ” ”“not much but some & cancelled our next date. maybe we’d see each other the next weekend. Perfectlly understandable. This lady has a lot to deal with & by no means do I want to be an added pain or greif to her. Here is where I really screwed up. I responded with a few emails assuring her I understand & also did a couple of texts. Good morning-good night. In these emails I asked what she wanted me to do”“I think here is where not communicating came in. I swear I didn’t fully understand what ” time & space” meant. I was asking her to tell me . Think That pissed her off as I found out ” time & space ” means no contact. Thats where we are now for close to a week & I’ll respect & understand her wishes.”
What you need to do is respect this woman’s wishes. She gave a clear boundary (time and space and cancelled the next date). Time and space means to leave that person alone until the time they projected you could contact them again. Meanwhile you do not text them or email them, because that directly goes against the grain of requesting time and space for herself. You felt the need “to do” something about it and “fix” the situation. But there is nothing wrong with a woman or man to request time and space, and there was no need to search what else you could do, because the woman had told you what to do “give her space and time.” You pressed on and wanted clarification. She then said it means “No Contact.”
I would urge you to finally respect the boundaries she put up without further ado and to not contact her in any way anymore and accept she has the right to choose for herself whom she sees or not.
And if someone literally says “No Contact” I would also strongly urge you to move on. She’s not “The One”.
Darwinsmom: hear, hear. Good comment!
This lady may not be telling him but fell back with her sociopath. It’s happened to me and I’ve hurt innocent people slipping backward..it’s an addiction…she could have slipped..And is in contact once again..
I would like to hear her side of this story. It’s no good hearing just his side of it. Maybe she listenes to her instincts and gut-feeling here. After all, she is the one who’s been in contact with him. If I get a creepy feeling just reading how he thinks and acts, then I would not blame her for giving him the silent treatment.
there is something very wrong with this story, I think.
I see.
I too think there is and know there is something very wrong with this story. I had someone make this very same attempt to try and get close to me and they turned out to be very cunning and ill intentioned. Beware.
I’m glad to see Donna’s response – “Sometimes Lovefraud readers are too quick to label people on the basis of a few written sentences. I really think it’s inappropriate.”
I agree. We have to be careful that we don’t become what we fear. We’ve all had a raw experience with a predator but that doesn’t mean there is one under every bed. I had a recent experience I’d like to share.
I’m 3 years out now of my marriage and I think I can safely say I’m mostly healed. 2 years ago, friends introduced me to a very nice man, who immediately thought I was the one! I could tell by my reaction that I was no where near wanting what he wanted and that his attentions would overwhelm me in short-order and I would constantly be back-pedalling in order to maintain control over my life. Not that he wasn’t a nice man, or an attractive man – I just was not ready or looking for what he was looking for.
Before we even had a “first date” he had stopped by my house with flowers. Wanted his daughter to meet me. I had to sit down with him and tell him that there wasn’t even going to be a first date, unfortunately, because that would be unfair to him.
I told him as kindly as I could, that he deserved a woman who wanted the same things down the road, that he wanted. I didn’t think I would ever want a full on, live-together realtionship again – but if I did it certainly wouldn’t be for years. He was not happy about it and didn’t understand but I told him one day he would thank me.
I heard he went to online dating after that, with the help of his daughter, because he didn’t have a computer. I heard he met someone, and then that he got married a few months back.
I happened to be in his neighborhood last week and inadvertantly drove past his house. It made my heart feel happy – very happy. There he was in the yard, working in the driveway, working on something and there was his new wife, up on a chair on the front porch fixing something. End of summer coming and they are out there together fixing up what used to be his place and turning it into “their” place.
He didn’t see me and she wouldn’t know me if she did see me – I just quietly drove by and found I had the warmest feeling in my heart and a smile on my face for them. The word that went through my mind was “beautific”.
They found each other – he got what he was looking for and my guess is she thinks she’s the luckiest lady in the world.
I would have made his life hell, and I’m glad I was wise enough to know that for him – when he wasn’t able to see that himself.
It gives me hope that there is someone out there for me – that will be a good fit – and that if I’m meant to find or have that – it will happen.
Faith in myself, Faith in God and Faith that we were put on this path to learn something. Was it as good experience – NO – did we want to ever know the horror and pain associated with a dysfunctional relationship – NO – but we faced it, survived it, hopefully are healed or are well into healing from it, and have become stronger and more discerning as we approach new opportunities in life.
I think some of the posters here owe Andrew an apology. If our experiences with one or even more than one predator leaves us so bitter, angry and cynical that we attack or are always looking for “red flags” then we are long past what the predator did to us, and well into what we are doing to ourselves, or more accurately, what we should be doing for ourselves in terms of our own personal recovery.