Lovefraud recently received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Andrew.”
I recently met a lady out of the blue after I had sat at home alone for 2 years. She is the victim of a sociopath—reads & posts on the Lovefraud site trying to heal. She says she can’t tell me all the damage done & I don’t need to know—it’s her business unless she feels she needs to share.
She had cabin fever—had to get out for a night—hence our meeting. Well I had basically given up on finding someone until I met her. We instantly clicked. It was so good for 3 weeks—making plans of fun things to do. I thought it would help her heal—to go have fun again.
I think she started liking me too much in that short period of time—got scared & slammed on the brakes. She says she needs time, but truly values my friendship & adores me. I’m trying to give her “time.” It’s so hard when she lit up my life for a while.
She wants to see me again, but doesn’t know when.
I have no motives other than to get to know her & help her get over the past. She might just be the one if we spend the time to know one another.
I have read the Lovefraud blog trying to understand—some really sad stories.
What should I do?
In the thousands of emails that I’ve received, this is the first time someone has asked this question (which I’ve paraphrased) how do you approach a potential romantic partner when that person has been burned by a sociopath? I appreciate that fact that Andrew cared enough to ask the question.
I will answer the question assuming that everything is exactly as presented—a woman, whom we’ll call Caroline, had a terrible experience with a sociopath and is skittish about opening herself to another man. Andrew honestly likes Caroline, and wants to get to know her better. I will assume that neither Andrew nor Caroline is actually a predator who is looking for a new source of supply.
This, of course, is something that Caroline, and everyone else who has been betrayed and damaged by a sociopath, needs to understand and believe: There are good people in the world. Yes, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators—sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines. But that still means that 88 percent of the world’s people are not disordered, and are capable of having a loving relationship.
Understand where she’s been
So, Andrew, the first thing for you to understand is that Caroline has been through the meat grinder. She’s experienced betrayal that has rocked her to her core. She’s certainly suffered emotional and psychological abuse, and may have also suffered verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. In fact, it may be a miracle that she is still standing.
If you’ve never experienced this level of betrayal—most people haven’t—it may be hard for you to believe what she’s gone through. Should she tell you anything about what happened, it may sound like a bad movie, and you may be inclined to think she is exaggerating. I assure you, when someone is involved with a sociopath, anything is possible. I’ve collected more than 3,200 cases, and many of the stories should be made into movies. You can’t make this stuff up.
Caroline, however, is accustomed to not being believed. She may have gone to court and to the police, and they didn’t believe her story. It’s possible her friends or her own family do not believe her. So one of the best things you can do is believe her. It will help her feel validated.
Go slow
Andrew, you will need take things very slowly. It’s likely that the sociopath swept into Carolin’es life in a whirlwind romance—if you call all the time, if you are overly exuberant about wanting to see her, it may set off alarm bells, because that’s how the sociopath acted. Let her set the pace. Keep things light.
Understand that trust needs to be earned. This may be why Caroline got into trouble in the first place—she trusted too readily. Now, she may have gone too far in the other direction, and resolved to never trust anyone again. This is an unhealthy position, because we do need to be able to trust in order to live a good life. But you may not know how much progress Caroline has made in regaining her ability to trust.
So if you want to move forward, you need to be trustworthy. Tell her the truth about everything. Keep your promises. Call when you say you’re going to call, and show up when you promise that you’ll show up. In fact, I hope that’s how you live your life anyway.
It may not work
Finally, it is possible that Caroline simply is not recovered enough to think about another involvement. If she tells you that she really can’t be in a relationship, don’t argue with her, and don’t take it personally. You may just need to accept it and move on.
But if Caroline indicates that does want to get to know you, albeit slowly, getting closer will probably be worth the wait. Before hooking up with the sociopath, Caroline was probably loving, giving, caring, responsible, dynamic and empathetic—because that’s the type of person that sociopaths target. So if she’s able to find herself, and open herself—well, it could be rewarding for both of you.
Lovefraud readers: If you have any more suggestions for Andrew, please post them.
It doesn’t matter much why she desired no contact. All that matters is that she desired it. That’s her prerogative. Andrew and others should respect that from her.
I don’t think her side of the story, nor speculating whether she reunited with the spath or not or other reasons why she decided “no contact” would help in this. It would turn this thread in a he said-she said-he did-she did thread. And it would force her to break her own boundary that she obviously put up (as by his own words and extra explanations): she wanted no contact, and to have her answer “Andrew” here would be making contact.
At this moment I find that this woman’s boundaries have not been respected by Andrew. It doesn’t really matter why he didn’t respect them so far, whether good or ill intentioned (and I’m open to good intentioned or because he considers himself in love). All I know for a fact is that he didn’t end up respecting it. None of us should pressure the woman ‘Caroline’ on top of that in explaining herself.
Dar, I agree. Feeling the need to explain, is being baited into contact. If we have set a boundry then we’ve set a boundry. Period.
Wow – busy night! Okay, so, judging by Andrew’s comment it is NOT the person I was thinking of. Thank goodness! (huge relief as the one I was thinking of has exhibited stalkerish tendencies – it would have totally freaked me if he came to MY place) Perhaps I was feeling a bit narcissistic myself yesterday since it was my *cough cough* birthday. No matter.
I still gotta go with darwinsmom and kim tho – whatever reason(s) she decided to put the brakes on are her own. She doesn’t owe anyone any explanation especially after three weeks. Hell, she may not even know herself — or think her reasons are illogical or even irrational. So what if they are. They are hers.
(sidenote: while I was thinking “Andrew” was someone I knew – I did say that I did not think he was an Spath. Just his story seemed very familiar and that’s what gave me the creepy crawlies.)
I don’t think anyone here has attacked Andrew, in any way.
We are here to learn from our mistakes, and we are learning to recognize red-flags.
I saw some red-flags, as have some others. Not in the least bit sorry about that.
The tricky part of healing is that it involves both inner healing and healing from our outside environment. How do we start to trust again? We need to first believe we are valuable enough for another human being to show us trust-worthy behavior. That is the most important and first form of trust-building. Then we need to actually believe that there are people out there that have the ability to be honest and have remorse if honesty is not kept. I.e a person needs to first believe they are valuable enough to be treated right and second, that there are people out there who don’t want to betray other people.
I agree Kim there are red flags, but not necessarily flags of a disorder.
I totally understand that someone can come to believe in the potential of another person, start to fave feelings of desire to spend more time with them, and that this can occur quickly. I also understand that when those beliefs and desires are met with a boundary where the other person decides the opposite of what you desire of them (less contact and even no contact) it seems very unfair, and is very hard to accept, and that perhaps hope to alleviate possible anxiety of the other by sending them short texts and emails to explain and show them you’re thinking of them.
I understand, know and accept this can happen to the most empathic , kindest and most sincere human on the planet. But the bottom line is that there are two people with opposing wishes – one more contact, the other less or no contact at all – and there is no middle ground on this. And the ‘more contact’ attempts disrespect the drawn line of ‘less or no contact’ and opens the door to disrespecting other boundaries in the future. The other way around may feel unfair, but is not disrespectful.
Love is to me about having faith that you have all the time in the world (no pressure and no rushing) even if it takes a long while of not seeing each other at all, because deep and unconditional love is timeless. There’s no rush in it.
Most people do not understand how damaging sociopaths are to their targets. I think Andrew was just trying to understand better what had happened to Caroline, so he asked for guidance. I see nothing wrong with that.
Perhaps some people were triggered. But that could have been caused by their own fears, their own interpretations. We all look at things through our own experiences. So we need to be aware that if we’re still hurting, we may see bad behavior where none was intended.
In fact, this just happened to me the other day – someone misinterpreted what I said and laid into me – because he was on edge due to the actions of someone else.
Please keep in mind that the rule on Lovefraud is that we don’t attack other readers. Andrew is a reader. Talking about “red flags” in his email is an attack – subtle, but an attack nonetheless.
I agree with Donna’s response. It’s very hard for someone who hasn’t been the victim of a sociopath to understand or believe how badly we are affected by a sociopath’s behavior. I made the dumb mistake of allowing a long time male friend and co-worker who said he just wanted to be my friend and help me to come into my life too soon after my ex left me for another woman. At the time, I had no idea that my ex was a sociopath and had been deceiving me YEARS before he actually left. I knew the friend had been through a similar experience of his wife leaving him for another man and thought he might really understand. Within days, the friend was declaring that he was in love with me and had been for a long time. I didn’t push him away as I should have because it seemed he was the only one willing to listen and understand. And, he had a LOT to listen to. During the first couple of months after my ex left, it seemed that EVERY day I was approached by other friends with new stories concerning my ex’s deceit during our marriage. It was more than I could wrap my mind around and led me straight to a counselor who explained that my ex was a sociopath and recommended LF to me. And, it was only here that I learned WHY I felt as though I had been raped and victimized rather than like a scorned or hurt lover. The more information I learned and shared with the “understanding” friend, the LESS he understood. He felt that I shouldn’t give someone who treated me in such a manner another thought and took on the “just get over it” attitude. And, he wasn’t the only one who did this…other friends and family reacted in the same manner. And, I NEVER wanted my ex back not even before I learned all the things he had done. I was finished with him the moment he revealed his involvement with the woman he chose as his next victim. I wanted MYSELF back and to understand HOW I could have allowed someone to deceive me SO badly when I felt I was a fairly good judge of character and an intelligent person. I also had to face the fact that my good friend had taken advantage of me at a time when I was very vulnerable. I quickly dismissed him from my life romantically and explained that I was not ready for a new relationship and needed time to heal. I didn’t see the need to attack him for taking advantage of me during a vulnerable time because I realized that it was me who had allowed him to do it. He told me what a terrible person I was, accused ME of being a sociopath, etc. So, he didn’t understand ANYTHING at all about the impact my sp ex had on my life. He was hurt and disappointed. I think Caroline is very wise to realize that she needs more time to heal and is probably just as afraid of hurting Andrew as she is of getting hurt herself. So, my advice to you, Andrew, is to be her friend but only on HER terms and that may be a bit more than you can handle or have the patience for. Since she has expressed the desire to see you again at some point, that says that she is interested but not ready. I’ll speak for myself in saying that I was a very broken person for a good while. It took a couple of years of therapy, LF, and reading everything I could get my hands on about sociopaths before I even started to heal. During this time, I had no desire to date and had even decided that I never wanted to be in a relationship again. I later had the good fortune of reuniting with a childhood friend who had also been the victim of a clinically diagnosed sociopath ex-wife. We FULLY understood each other and were able to help each other finish our healing processes to the highest level of recovery. I don’t think we ever TOTALLY heal or forget…the wound my heal but it leaves an ugly scar. We have been happily married for almost 4 years and the rarely discuss our ex spaths and we certainly have never allowed their behavior to affect the respect and trust that we share for one another.
I might add that I admire Andrew’s desire to understand what Caroline is experiencing but feel that he CAN’T unless he’s been a victim of a spath himself. Caroline WILL heal but it’s something that only SHE can do with the support of other victims. I had a wonderful counselor and I think even he realized that I needed contact with other victims in order to heal and suppose that is why he recommended that I join LF.
I’m going to type this with complete honesty: I resisted the “red flag” triggers that kind of got my hackles up with the article’s email excerpts. I’m a consumate cynic, and this is something that I’m working on, personally.
Andrew, you very well may be 100% genuine, but I will ask you to please try to understand that the majority of readers on this blogsite (male AND female) have experienced levels of betrayal and deceit that are beyond most other people’s ability to comprehend, much less give credence to: the things that spaths have managed to do to their victims defy all rational explanation and, in all honesty, “sound impossible.” So, when you read responses that mention “red flags” and “triggering,” it is vital to recognize that the carnages created by spath entanglements are FOREVER. Yes, we recover and heal, but spath scars are like 3rd degree burns: you can treat the wounds, skin graft, and do reconstructive surgery, but that skin will always be hyper-delicate and sensitive.
With regard to “educating,” I will say that the second exspath read “Sociopath Next Door,” and “Stalkers of the Soul,” and put what he learned in those publications to practice for his own end. These books were viewed and used as sociopath handbooks, so I am always VERY hesitant on “explaining” how targets are baited, lured, and hooked, and the carnages that result.
I also want to clarify that I do not believe that “love heals” where other people are concerned. Certainly, agape that is shared in healthy relationships helps anyone along their healing paths – it sure does. But, IMHO, loving someone else in a romantic relationship is not going to assist me, one iota – not at this point, and possibly forever. Self-love, self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-awareness, and all of the other positive “Self-isms” will, indeed, heal me and these must all come from myself TO myself.
The first abusive exspath was a lost puppy that I was going to save. The second exspath was going to “rescue” me. Both were doomed from the outset, and I had to experience BOTH scenarios to learn the vital and irrevocable lesson that I can only save myself. I can’t save anyone else, and nobody else can rescue me. Period.
Having said that, I’m settling into a weird understanding that I’m okay, alone, by myself, and on my own. Yes, I am struggly financially – losing the battle, actually, but it’s going to be okay, in due time. Finances aside, I’m beginning to actually “feel” a sense of minor recovery, and it’s been almost a year to the date when I discovered what my “soulmate” really was.
So, Andrew, I’m not going to ask you to excuse the strong reactions. I’m going to ask that you simply understand that many of the readers that responded strongly have lost everything (including children, jobs, housing, tranpsoration, health) and some have actually narrowly escaped being murdered by people that they “loved.”
Brightest blessings to EVERYONE