Lovefraud recently received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Andrew.”
I recently met a lady out of the blue after I had sat at home alone for 2 years. She is the victim of a sociopath—reads & posts on the Lovefraud site trying to heal. She says she can’t tell me all the damage done & I don’t need to know—it’s her business unless she feels she needs to share.
She had cabin fever—had to get out for a night—hence our meeting. Well I had basically given up on finding someone until I met her. We instantly clicked. It was so good for 3 weeks—making plans of fun things to do. I thought it would help her heal—to go have fun again.
I think she started liking me too much in that short period of time—got scared & slammed on the brakes. She says she needs time, but truly values my friendship & adores me. I’m trying to give her “time.” It’s so hard when she lit up my life for a while.
She wants to see me again, but doesn’t know when.
I have no motives other than to get to know her & help her get over the past. She might just be the one if we spend the time to know one another.
I have read the Lovefraud blog trying to understand—some really sad stories.
What should I do?
In the thousands of emails that I’ve received, this is the first time someone has asked this question (which I’ve paraphrased) how do you approach a potential romantic partner when that person has been burned by a sociopath? I appreciate that fact that Andrew cared enough to ask the question.
I will answer the question assuming that everything is exactly as presented—a woman, whom we’ll call Caroline, had a terrible experience with a sociopath and is skittish about opening herself to another man. Andrew honestly likes Caroline, and wants to get to know her better. I will assume that neither Andrew nor Caroline is actually a predator who is looking for a new source of supply.
This, of course, is something that Caroline, and everyone else who has been betrayed and damaged by a sociopath, needs to understand and believe: There are good people in the world. Yes, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators—sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines. But that still means that 88 percent of the world’s people are not disordered, and are capable of having a loving relationship.
Understand where she’s been
So, Andrew, the first thing for you to understand is that Caroline has been through the meat grinder. She’s experienced betrayal that has rocked her to her core. She’s certainly suffered emotional and psychological abuse, and may have also suffered verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. In fact, it may be a miracle that she is still standing.
If you’ve never experienced this level of betrayal—most people haven’t—it may be hard for you to believe what she’s gone through. Should she tell you anything about what happened, it may sound like a bad movie, and you may be inclined to think she is exaggerating. I assure you, when someone is involved with a sociopath, anything is possible. I’ve collected more than 3,200 cases, and many of the stories should be made into movies. You can’t make this stuff up.
Caroline, however, is accustomed to not being believed. She may have gone to court and to the police, and they didn’t believe her story. It’s possible her friends or her own family do not believe her. So one of the best things you can do is believe her. It will help her feel validated.
Go slow
Andrew, you will need take things very slowly. It’s likely that the sociopath swept into Carolin’es life in a whirlwind romance—if you call all the time, if you are overly exuberant about wanting to see her, it may set off alarm bells, because that’s how the sociopath acted. Let her set the pace. Keep things light.
Understand that trust needs to be earned. This may be why Caroline got into trouble in the first place—she trusted too readily. Now, she may have gone too far in the other direction, and resolved to never trust anyone again. This is an unhealthy position, because we do need to be able to trust in order to live a good life. But you may not know how much progress Caroline has made in regaining her ability to trust.
So if you want to move forward, you need to be trustworthy. Tell her the truth about everything. Keep your promises. Call when you say you’re going to call, and show up when you promise that you’ll show up. In fact, I hope that’s how you live your life anyway.
It may not work
Finally, it is possible that Caroline simply is not recovered enough to think about another involvement. If she tells you that she really can’t be in a relationship, don’t argue with her, and don’t take it personally. You may just need to accept it and move on.
But if Caroline indicates that does want to get to know you, albeit slowly, getting closer will probably be worth the wait. Before hooking up with the sociopath, Caroline was probably loving, giving, caring, responsible, dynamic and empathetic—because that’s the type of person that sociopaths target. So if she’s able to find herself, and open herself—well, it could be rewarding for both of you.
Lovefraud readers: If you have any more suggestions for Andrew, please post them.
I love his question. I am so afraid that I am so damaged by my ex sociopath that no one would ever even want to bother with the mess he turned me into. It’s nice to know that there are some good guys out there that aren’t afraid of us ex-sociopath lovers; because I think that we all can agree that was is left over is almost as scary to love as the sociopath himself. We need to heal before we take real steps with real people. Hey man, I give you credit for showing her understanding and willingness to love and be patient.
Andrew might of seemed too anxious for this woman to jump on the bandwagon and she noticed this, and knew she was not quite ready for such a quick relationship so she cut it off before it went any further and him not understanding the “need to go slow” in my opinion (or even what slow meant) and probably from her prospective caused her to put the hault on it real quickly especially since she probably didn’t want any more “heart issues” to pop up.
Andrew is more than likely a good person but from him not giving her space that she needed was either put on hold or she might not ever look back due to her healing process.
I know some people just need more time to recover depending on the damage.
Jade28, I identify with the notion that survivors of sociopathic entanglements often view themselves as “damaged goods.” It’s a false perception, IMHO – we believe that we’re not approachable or love-able because we were probably hinting that prior to the spath experiences – that’s what they were able to tap into in the first place.
I’ve had to alter that misperception of myself. I have a choice to view myself as something beyond being worthy (unlove-abe and unapproachable), or I can view my experiences as necessary for my personal growth. Now, don’t get me wrong on this point! What the exspath(s) did were reprehensible, absolutely! But, my vulnerabilities were the fodder for their hunger to destroy. SO….I am, indeed, able to receive love and be approached, but I have to sort that out for myself, by myself, and FOR myself, first.
If someone comes along that doesn’t wave “red flags,” I’m open to friendship. But, as far as a romantic involvement goes, it’s out of the question for a long, long time and, perhaps, for the rest of my life. Either way, I’m okay with it and I’m actually feeling “good” about who I am.
Brightest blessings
Wow. Amazing discussion! Missed you guys.
Personally, I feel kind of awful for Caroline. Here’s this nice, safe place she’s found, and then from out of friggin’ nowhere her life and hard-won boundaries have been completely and utterly violated. The decision she quietly made for herself is now being dissected with unabashed scrutiny.
Spath or not, I’m disappointed in both Andrew and Donna. It’s pretty irresponsible of both of you to question or criticize the very personal decision of any person on here. I understand the desire to bring these subjects to light and throw your two pesos in on what *you* might have done in a particular situation. But it’s not your life, and it’s not your decision to make or heart to give or not give. If it was me – and I’ve dated some strange dudes lately – if one of them came on here divulging with very specific details on my interest (or disinterest), I’d be mortified. I probably wouldn’t come here again. I hope that doesn’t happen.
Caroline – you don’t need to tell me or anyone else “your side of the story”. Just know that though some people might have the best possible intentions, we all err in our judgment. I respect your choice. I don’t second-guess you because it’s absolutely not my place, and I’m glad you’re “putting yourself out there” at all! It’s very brave. Took me years, and I’m mostly just going through the motions of “this is what I should be doing because that’s what single moms of my age should do and I am a little lonely!” I hope you find someone 10,000 times better than anyone you could have imagined for yourself, because sometimes our little pea-brains (addled with the unwanted trauma) just don’t know how valuable we are. Or maybe we do! Trust your gut. Take what helps you and LEAVE THE REST, darlin’!!!
Freemama…I understand your point BUT apparently Caroline shared with Andrew that she is a member of Lovefraud and that she is a victim of a sociopath. I’m glad that Andrew came here and read some of the stories and seems to be able to empathize. At least he is seeking understanding. I tried to get my family members to do the same thing hoping that I might receive better support from them. They laughed and told me how silly I was to believe the sob stories that people post on the internet! They actually suggested that if I kept reading the stories, that I’d never get off of my “pity trip”. Caroline provided Andrew with just enough information to leave him confused enough to seek information I, personally, can’t begrudge him for that. However, I am wondering where he is now that advice is being offered to him??? Maybe, he’ll pop up a little later and chime in.
Andrew, I apologize for talking about you in the third person. That is rude. I don’t know what I was thinking. I never meant it as an attack on you, though. I was simply discussing what I considered a bit of a boundry violation. This doesn’t make you bad, and it doesn’t mean you’re disordered, but it is a subtle indication to me to be warey. That’s what a red-flag is….just a warning that trouble may lie ahead.
I’m not questioning your motives, Andrew. I think you are sincere, and really want to understand, but bringing these issues onto this blog, (her sanctuary) as a way of forcing the issue, and manipulating a situation so you can have what you want, when she has clearly said, WHOA, I can do this myself, and you’re moving too fast, IS not respecting her wishes, and it is, in my opinion a boundry violation.
Donna, I’m sorry if my posts concerning Andrew were viewed as attacks. I will be more careful about what I say and how I say it in the future.
Tami, it’s not because I tell my home adress to someone I presume a friend that it’s a valid reason to stop by and invite themselves in after I told them I don’t want to see them anymore. I’m not saying this is what Andrew is doing, but tami imo you are ‘blaming’ the woman for providing info she gave as a source of info from the time before she decided to go no contact and that she must accept he might seek her out here.
Now, I don’t mind Andrew asking questions at all, nor informing himself with either Donna in private or in general in public. That’ a good thing. But it’s not really anonymous imo (not as he claims he wishes to do), and that I like less in a situation where a woman visits this place in order to help her heal. He mentions her name, how long they dated, that she visits here, excerpts of their conversation, what he texted and mailed about, and how she eventually said she wanted ‘no contact’.
If I were ‘Carolyn’ in the current situation I wouldn’t come here anymore. I wouldn’t feel free to share what I’m learning and going through at this moment, least of all with regards to what I learned by dating someone very very recently; not if I want to preserve the boundaries that I put up at some point.
I too apologize for talking about Andrew in 3rd person. But this letter is addressed to all Lovefraud members as it should be.
One tidbit that stood out for me in Andrew’s letter was that he was isolated for 2 years. Then he met Caroline who was also isolated. Somehow they both came out of the house on the same night.
Why is Andrew thinking he can be in a helping role? It irritates me to no end when people come to me wanting to FIX me; take care of me; help me heal. WTH? It adds an air of superiority that someone is so fine they have that kind of power. Especially if that person has their own issues to deal with.
My next relationship is going to be on an even playing field. No one is going to have to FIX the other. I’ll know when that relationship is here. But for now I stand alone and ‘unfixed.’
(((hugs)))
Speaking up, I hear ya!!! That helping spirit can be a hook, and it does imply an imbalance in power and control.
Somehow, I missed that he mentioned her name??? Also, I don’t believe he posted a public blog. It seems that he sent an email message to Lovefraud and it was Donna that decided to share it with us and who assigned them fictitious names. It seems that he readily revealed the intent of his email and was seeking advice. He could have posed as a victim himself, joined the group and fished for info in a more sneaky manner. No, I am not blaming the woman for sharing the information with him. But, since we don’t know the details about how it was shared with him, she may have told him what a wonderfully educational place Lovefraud is to people who want to learn and understand the behavior of sociopaths. We don’t know why she felt inclined to share her involvement with Lovefraud with him. I wish more people would come here to educate themselves. It just might save someone from becoming a victim or help others learn how to better support those who are victims. And, yes, there may very well be sociopaths lurking among us in this group right now but I think we’ll recognize them in time as we will or have already learned to when we encounter them in our lives outside of Lovefraud.