The word "gaslight," when used as a verb, means "to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity; to subtly drive someone crazy." It's a term that's been used on this website to describe the psychological damage inflicted by a psychopath. I was aware that the word, when used in this way, was a reference to the 1944 movie Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer, Angela Lansbury and Joseph Cotton. But I had never seen the film. A few days ago, I watched Gaslight for the first time. The story is set in Edwardian London, where an accomplished singer is mysteriously strangled in her home. The crime is discovered by the singer's young niece, Paula Alquist (Ingrid Bergman). …
Symptoms of a disturbed personality
The United States, and the world, learned in horror last week that a 23-year-old student at Virginia Tech had gone on a shooting rampage, killing 32 people and himself. It was the worst mass shooting in American history. Amid the shock and grief, we quickly discovered that there were many warning signs that the killer, Seung-Hui Cho, was deeply disturbed. An article in today's New York Times—Before Deadly Rage, a Life Consumed by a Troubling Silence—explains that Cho always isolated himself. "From the beginning, he did not talk," wrote N. R. Kleinfield, "Not to other children, not to his own family. Everyone saw this. In Seoul, South Korea, where Sueng-Hui Cho grew up, his mother agonized o …
UK man asks for help in reclaiming his children
A few months ago Lovefraud wrote about a man in the UK—I called him "Tom"—who said his life was stolen by sociopaths. He said he lost his children, home, career and wealth to his ex-wife and her new partner. Tom was arrested nine times on false allegations and has not seen his children since August of 2004. Tom recently won in the criminal proceedings against him—all charges were dropped. But he still faces a battle in family court. Tom asks for advice from Lovefraud readers as he fights to regain contact with his children. Update to Tom's story Here is the update that Tom sent about his story: The outcome of the criminal proceeding that was brought against me by my ex-wife and he …
How to recover from the ruin of a sociopath
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. Last week, I posted correspondence from Arlene, who, after 23 years of marriage, was discarded by her husband and has lost her connections to her children. Arlene said she was so devastated that she just wanted her life to end. Several Lovefraud readers posted comments of understanding and encouragement for Arlene. Another reader sent an e-mail, describing the steps she took to recover after she had been similarly dumped by her husband. I thought her suggestions were so helpful that I asked permission to post the e-mail, which she graciously granted. Advice …
Understanding that sociopaths murder the spirit
Here is an e-mail exchange that recently took place between me and a Lovefraud reader: Arlene: I was married to a man for 23 years. I found out so much in the last few years. He murdered my soul, my spirit, and financially devastated me. He moved another woman ... brainwashed my children. My 18 yr old now is on cocaine...she was a nice girl...he has trashed her also and she is not living with me. The children now that were close to me are not empathetic and cold. He grew in power and is an intellectual. He spread vicious rumors about me to cover his tracks. I am just to move on. Even though I was such a devoted mother and this family was my life. I have tried everything to recover and I …
Divorce and marital misconduct
Editor's note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath. Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn't mean that you or your spouse won't have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It's what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney's fees for the victim-spouse. The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a …
Employee from hell sounds like a psychopath
The cover photo of Fortune Small Business magazine's March issue is a guy sitting on top of a water cooler. He's wearing a red striped shirt and a blue and red tie. He has red horns popping out of his bald head. The topic: “Employees from hell.” One of the cover stories is about The turncoat No. 2 who tries to take over the business. A woman who started a company hired a guy, called Benedict Arnold in the story, as her second-in-command. After about a year, she noticed that Arnold was inflating his expenses, taking two- and three-hour lunches, and showing up late for important meetings. She was about to discipline him when Arnold dropped his own bomb. He told her she had to resign from he …
Lying, cheating and online dating
Online dating was the topic of a research report released last year by the Pew Internet and American Life Project. Here are some of the findings: 10 million Internet-using adults are seeking romantic partners 37 percent of them—3.7 million people—have gone to a dating website 43 percent of online daters think the activity involves risk 52 percent of online daters agree that a lot of people on the sites lie about their marital status Online dating is big business. U.S. residents spent $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004, according to Wikipedia. So online dating sites don't want their product to get a bad reputation—like they are full of cheaters. Most people …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: answers to your questions about sociopaths
Lovefraud is pleased to announce a new service for our readers—ASK DR. LEEDOM. Liane J. Leedom, M.D., is a psychiatrist who knows exactly what it is like to be deceived by a sociopath. Even with the best training in psychiatry—USC, UCLA and Yale—she, herself, failed to recognize the symptoms. She married a sociopath, who is the father of her son. Does she understand what you're going through? You bet. If you have a question for Dr. Leedom, send your question directly to her at drleedom@lovefraud.com. Your question will be posted on the Lovefraud Blog, along with her answer. Not only will it help you, it will help others who are recovering from a run-in with a sociopath. Please note: all qu …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: answers to your questions about sociopathsRead More
Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath
Lovefraud recently heard from Janine in Florida. Here is what she wrote: In May it will be two years since I realized my ex-husband was a sociopath and every day I deal with the psychological nightmare that he has given me. I try so hard not to think about the destruction he has done to me...but every day it is there. Destroyed period. How can one put this behind them?? Yes I have moved on with my life but every day in my mind what he did to me is there and will be in my brain forever. I have been told to forgive him and I do in a way because I realize how sick he is but it is still there! Taken, abused, used, destroyed as a woman, as a human being and of course him shoving …