Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader: How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don't know really with whom I was involved? I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now. How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the "I love you's", the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act? Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived i …
How do I recover from a manipulative friendship?
Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we'll call "Lois." I have no one to turn to, as I have never spoken to anyone regarding my friendship with the narcissist apart from the narc, which suited him perfectly. This friendship was in person but I live in a different city so it was mostly on the phone and a few face to face meetings during the year. However, I was also dropped and put in the box as needed, and picked up as soon as he would leave his families' or friends' home and work. And I had to be there when he was ready to make contact. However, the same did not apply to him. Many times when I needed to lean on him he was not contactable. I have gone …
Wall Street Journal explains that anyone can be conned
Sophisticated readers of the Wall Street Journal beware: You can be conned, just like the rest of us. The following article, by Susan Pinker, appeared in last weekend's edition: You can't be fooled by a con? Don't count on it, on WSJ.com. The Journal doesn't provide articles for free, so I'll provide a summary of key points: 35 million Americans fall for scams each year, according to the Federal Trade Commission. One reason we fall for scams is because we are biologically programmed to trust and cooperate. Research shows that we can detect a lie only about 50 percent of the time. The unconscious mind may be better at detecting lies than rational focus. So if you've been conned …
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Why her happy marriage did not exist
Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader: I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners. The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you? Range of behavior One reason why it's so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. So …
Study says kids do better with fathers in the home – but doesn’t mention sociopathic fathers
Researchers at the London School of Economics say that children born to a single mother have better health, intelligence and social skills when their biological father lives with them. Kids fare no better if a stepfather joins the family than they would if their mother stayed alone. Many studies claim to "prove" that kids are better off when they live with both their mother and father. Unfortunately, these studies rarely determine if the father is disordered. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, living with a disordered parent is not good for kids at all. In fact, these kids can be seriously damaged. But because of the cultural belief that "all kids should have two parents," many well-meaning …
Making meaning of your betrayal by a sociopath
When we realize that we've been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?” To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced. When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68: My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gon …
How to attract a new relationship after the sociopath
Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader: I have a question for you. I've been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I've tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I'm so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them. If you've had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you're feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed. I …
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Chaos, destruction and murder – the philosophy of a sociopath
Lovefraud received a letter from a woman who we'll call Valerie. She met her husband, whom we'll call Dylan, at age 18, and has been with him for seven years. She thought they were happy together in their wonderful home with their family of pets. Suddenly Dylan started acting erratically. He said he didn't want to be with Valerie any more. He picked fights. She asked Dylan to leave, but made it clear that she was willing to do whatever was necessary to help him. So he left, and wouldn't tell her where he was. Eventually, Valerie's intuition told her to check her husband's Facebook page, where she found Dylan's love letters to another woman. Then Valerie found how Dylan described …
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14 tactics used by coercive controllers in abusive relationships
"Coercive control feels like being trapped in a cage and you can't get out and you don't know where to turn." That's how Dr. Lisa Aronson Fontes described this insidious form of domestic violence. She was one of several experts who spoke at a conference on coercive control in Suffolk, England on March 6, 2017. Another expert, Dr. Evan Stark, said that around 25 percent of women in abusive relationships are never assaulted. The program described 14 ways that abusers control their victims, from limiting contact with family and friends to constant phone calls, texts and emails. 'It's like being in a cult for one': Read 14 tactics used by coercive controllers, on EADT.co.uk. …
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9 control tactics in a classic story of sociopathic manipulation
The following letter, written by a young woman whom we'll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I've ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym. I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He's a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer. He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she'd gone to therapy b …
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