I have access to some of the greatest minds in the world of psychopathy. For years, these individuals have studied, taught, researched, and written. Yet, when they have certain questions that they just don't understand, they ask me. At times, I sit back and think about how amazing that is. At others, I genuinely wish I had no clue about this subject. I lived with psychopathy. I watched it, learned, and put all of the pieces of this very complex puzzle together. Then, I spent a significant amount of time doubting whether or not it could be. But it was. It is. When I realized this, I set out to educate the world. I was on a mission that caused our worlds to collide. Before long, I …
Do you speak psychopath? navigating and exposing disordered communication
Anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of disordered communication knows that it can produce an array of madness and negativity. That's the point, after all. But, the more experience we have with it, the more we learn that it is all the same. The players may change, but the messages remain identical. Identifying the fact that the correspondence is, in fact, disordered is the first step to handling it positively. The next is to learn to read between the lines of the written word vomit to understand the actual meaning. When we can, it's liberating. Individuals high in psychopathic traits want no one to be happy. They are easily set off by the most minor of circumstances. They torture …
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Struggling with no contact?
No contact is of the utmost importance when it comes to recovering from any unhealthy relationship. Why, then, can it be so hard to maintain? How is it that we can do so well for long stretches and then become instant Jell-O with seemingly little warning? Of the myriad of struggles we may experience during recovery, this seems to be one of the most common snags. The cold reality is that we are going through withdrawal and there is no methadone to ease the pain of this addiction. Making matters worse, each and every time we break it, the clock starts over, feeling worse than we did previously. However, from experience, I know that we do get to the point where we truly do not care to em …
He thought I had beautiful eyes…
As if being a first year law student isn't hard enough, enter a new dating relationship. Under the best of circumstances, this would be a challenge, but when your gut is screaming at you, it's even more interesting. Let's start with law school. I was slow to admit it, but yes, that is what I have been doing since last I wrote. Years ago, after my all consuming experience with psychopathy, I promised myself that I would rise from the ashes, turn the bad into good, and help others recover from abusive relationships with psychopaths or those high in psychopathic features. It is my turn to pay it forward. This promise has evolved slowly and its shape has changed over the years, but thus f …
Communicating with disorder
Trying to solve problems or make any type of progress with individuals with personality disorders can be very difficult. Virtually every communication is insulting, repetitive, and circular. They are seemingly unable to stay on topic and have propensities for driving others off topic. Covering the same ground to no avail can be exhausting for the non-disordered participants, as they tend to push relentlessly for our participation in their arguments. It is easy to fall into their communication traps and become engaged in their attempts for power. However, with knowledge and diligence, we can re-train ourselves to successfully stand our ground by controlling our own behaviors. A few simple …
Intermittent reinforcement: conditioning helps explain why we stay with abusive individuals
An overview of conditioning from a behavior specialist's perspective I will not get too specific regarding behavior reinforcement schedules, but I will ask you to follow me through a brief overview of some of the basics. While I cannot do the explanation justice in a few paragraphs, I can present enough background to facilitate an understanding of why this matters to us. When studying behavior analysis, most programs, at least at some point, look to the work of B.F. Skinner, the 20th century developer of operant conditioning. Very simply, operant conditioning subscribes to the belief that learning is modified by consequences.  The learner is motivated by reinforcement and punishment al …
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“You should leave now. If you don’t, I will ruin your life.”
The following unfolded after she witnessed the first "slip of the mask." She questioned what had just happened, since at the time, she did not understand. However, she quickly learned that she was not allowed to have thoughts or ask questions. Doing so constituted "interrogation" or the "the third degree." He became angrier and angrier, blaming her for the mood shifts she observed. Confused, she noted that they had not seen or spoken to each other in days and asked what she did to cause such upset. The exchange was out of control, and like nothing she had ever seen before. Things were wrong and she wanted out. She pulled her luggage from the apartment's outside storage closet, with the …
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Psychopaths everywhere?
I have heard it suggested that there may be those who "attract" psychopaths. It does not matter what the relationship. Some feel that there are people who are simply prone to involvement with individuals with psychopathic features. Is this true? Maybe. Maybe not. Why do they feel this way? Talk to victims. There are many who have been involved with psychopaths who feel that they are "everywhere." The same story keeps happening over and over. It's like Ground Hog Day or Fifty First Dates. Perhaps these victims have had several romantic experiences with psychopaths. Perhaps they feel many of their family members are psychopaths. Others report experiencing a variety of different encou …
“White hats, black hats,” and the dissenting opinion
Many of us here have had experiences in court where we were less than satisfied with the outcomes. I feel mainly fortunate in that respect. For the most part, those I dealt with understood enough about personality disorders to act accordingly. However, in one case I am familiar with, that clarity was somewhat lacking. In the end, things worked out fine because the judge followed the laws of the land explicitly. Nonetheless, it is worth mentioning because, in my opinion, his attitude and belief system could have been of serious concern had different issues (in the same court) been at stake. As long as there are those who believe as he does, and he is not unique in this way, justice may no …
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Why are some people scared of us?
While in the height of conflict with psychopaths or those with psychopathic features, sometimes, we scare people. I don't mean Halloween "scary costume" scary. I don't mean "things that go bump in the night" scary. No, I mean "take a look at yourself" scary. There are those around us who will see us go through what we do, and back away, simply because they realize that what we are experiencing or have experienced is just too strange and horrible to handle. Maybe they don't understand. Maybe they don't know what to say to us, as this is a special type of trauma. Often, some of us give others a "pass" for those reasons.  That is perfectly understandable. However, I believe that there are …