How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Last week, I was invited to participate in a “Women’s History Breakfast” at a local high school. The school asked six local women to speak about obstacles they’ve overcome in their lives and careers to a group of approximately 50 girls.

I used the opportunity to talk about sociopaths.

First, I briefly summarized my story: I married James Montgomery, an Australian, who told me he was a Hollywood movie producer and screenwriter, a war hero who served in Vietnam with Special Forces, and who came to Atlantic City to open an electronic theme park for adults on the Boardwalk. The only thing that was true was that he was Australian.

Montgomery took $227,000 from me, cheated with at least six different women during out two-and-a-half year marriage, had a child with one of them, and then, 10 days after I left him, married the mother of the child, committing bigamy for the second time.

I had the girls’ attention.

Then I told them that my husband began his career as a liar and a cheater in high school. One of the women that I interviewed for my upcoming book relayed to me a story that James Montgomery told her: While he was in high school, Montgomery picked up a girl for a date. As they were on their way to wherever they were going, she said she forgot something and had to go back home. The girl and James walk into the house, and sitting there were six other girls—he’d told each one that she was his girlfriend. He was busted.

Now I really had the girls’ attention.

What was this guy’s problem? James Montgomery was a sociopath. I explained what a sociopath usually wasn’t—a delusional serial killer. I explained what it was—someone with no heart, no conscience and no remorse.

Then I read a shortened version of the letter that Lovefraud posted last year from a 15-year-old girl, I didn’t want to be alone and believed that he loved me. The girl described her involvement with a guy who was two years older than her. It was mostly a phone relationship—he couldn’t be bothered to actually see her. But if she went out, he got mad because she wasn’t paying attention to him. Then I read the part of the letter where he tries to get the girl to go along with his sick sexual fantasies.

By now, the girls in my high school audience were shocked.

I concluded my presentation with points on how they could protect themselves from sociopaths: First, know they exist. Second, know the warning signs. Third, trust your intuition.

The girls asked a lot of questions: How did I recover from my marriage to my ex-husband? (Good therapy.) The guy in the letter was verbally abusive—are sociopaths violent? (Sometimes.) Is there any treatment for sociopaths? (Once they are adults, no.)

I hope that I’ve warned 50 girls to be on the lookout for sociopaths.

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  1. hurtnomore010

    Dear OxDrover,
    Thank you so much for the encouragement and for believing me. I talk to a therapist however she thinks I’m exaggerating my case. But I am telling the truth and I want to get better. Luckily, I’m turning 18 soon and I hope I get a scholarship to a college in another state. But I have an option to stay at my friend’s house however her mom has huge anger problems. She beat her daughter up but Social Services is doing something about it. But everytime I go to someone’s house to stay over my dad tries to bring me back. He will make up stories and lies to the parent about me misbehaving. Then the parent will scold me and say he’s a good father. He left my younger siblings and I hungry when he went out of state. We begged for food like destitute children. He left us with 20 dollars for the three kids with no food in the house. He said wouldn’t let me take my senior pictures nor anything because it was my job to take care of his kids. Meanwhile he is out and I’m stressed with homework, and watching kids. He acted like I didn’t do anything and that I’m selfish for trying to get my senior activities in order. My sister lives with my mom in a different country but I can’t. I can’t because I’m going to college next year and I need to prepare this year. But my dad made it clear one night that he doesn’t care about me. It hurts to live with a man who doesn’t care about you everyday of your life.

  2. ErinBrock

    ErinBrock says:
    Donna”
    GOOD GOING!!!!
    Well done”..I am certain, if not 50”.you’ve reached many lives that will take this info and talk about it and share it with parents, teachers, priests, neighbors, friends, coworkers”e.tc—..
    I’m glad your NOT keeping quiet”..the work you are doing is invaluable”..
    All we can do is keep on talking!!!!!

    KUDOS KUDOS!!!

  3. ErinBrock

    This list is from Dr. Carver.
    Nice reminder to us……

    Were you the ’love of their life’, their ’soulmate’ or new best friend
    within weeks?
    Were they initially charming, saying all the right things, “mirroring” your hopes, desires, and feelings?
    Are they jealous and possessive?
    Do they have few friends or long-term relationships?
    Multiple failed relationships?
    Do they badmouth their ex or other friends?
    Do they tell lies, big and small?
    Does the relationship veer from hot to cold? Do they “Jekyll and Hyde”?
    Do they have an unstable work history, frequent unemployment or
    job changes?
    Do you find yourself “covering” for them, making them appear better than they really are?
    Do they have constant financial problems?
    Are people mad at them because they don’t honor their debts?
    Do they have a lack of realistic goals? A history of living off others?
    Are they comfortable taking money from you?
    Have they ever used your credit cards without your knowledge?
    Do they make you feel guilty about your outside interests, time spent with friends or family?
    Do they make you feel you’re not good enough, that you’re lucky to
    have them?
    Have they ever humiliated you in public?
    Do they withdraw love, friendship or approval as punishment?
    Do they have a bad temper triggered by something seemingly insignificant? Do you often not even know what set them off?
    Do they always shift blame onto you? Is whatever’s wrong always your fault?
    After raging, do they act like nothing at all has happened?
    Do you ever feel “smothered” by them?
    Do they ever threaten, hit or shove you, punch walls, break your things or call you names?
    Are they always on the “outs” with someone?
    Do they pressure you to quit or change jobs/friends/relationships/homes?
    Do they have problems with authority figures?
    Stalked anyone for any reason whatsoever?
    Have they had Restraining Orders?
    Is your self-esteem eroding?
    Do you sometimes feel you’re the crazy one?
    Is the relationship affecting other aspects of your life?
    Do you have a gut, “sick” sense that things just aren’t right?
    Do you sometimes wish it would just all “go away”?

  5. Cat

    Dear Donna, Haven’t been on in a while and I’m so lucky I was able to read your article! Wow! Talk about a teachable moment and the right person being put in place to teach!

    tobehappy, I am coming to understand that in my ex’s mind, he did think he was in love with me and would tell me and the whole world that he did. At the SAME TIME, however, he was out seeking, and having sex with women and at one point, men as well. His conception of love is so warped, so distorted, it’s something I can’t conceptualize in my own mind because to me, love means loyalty, honesty and trust. My ex does not KNOW real love and can’t feel it. His definition of love is sociopathic. It ended up that I looked like the crazy one for finally calling him on it and kicking him out. He went to others and cried and asked how I could do this, blah, blah, blah…..After all, in HIS mind, he’d only made a couple of minor mistakes. Riiiiiight. There was something new almost every day with him. Others just simply didn’t know that. But being the liar that he is, he honestly believed he did love me (believing his own lies) and therefore it was easy to convince others that he did. In the meantime, I was constantly tripping over red flags. Every time I tripped, I ended up falling and each time, there was a new bruise, so to speak. It’s about perception and theirs is very warped.

  7. Cat

    Hello ErinB!
    Great list of questions and I’ve gone through all of them myself. I STILL look at those questions at times. Excellent reminder of where I’ve been. Gardening a lot? Yes, mine did. Interesting you should add that!

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