Last week, I was invited to participate in a “Women’s History Breakfast” at a local high school. The school asked six local women to speak about obstacles they’ve overcome in their lives and careers to a group of approximately 50 girls.
I used the opportunity to talk about sociopaths.
First, I briefly summarized my story: I married James Montgomery, an Australian, who told me he was a Hollywood movie producer and screenwriter, a war hero who served in Vietnam with Special Forces, and who came to Atlantic City to open an electronic theme park for adults on the Boardwalk. The only thing that was true was that he was Australian.
Montgomery took $227,000 from me, cheated with at least six different women during out two-and-a-half year marriage, had a child with one of them, and then, 10 days after I left him, married the mother of the child, committing bigamy for the second time.
I had the girls’ attention.
Then I told them that my husband began his career as a liar and a cheater in high school. One of the women that I interviewed for my upcoming book relayed to me a story that James Montgomery told her: While he was in high school, Montgomery picked up a girl for a date. As they were on their way to wherever they were going, she said she forgot something and had to go back home. The girl and James walk into the house, and sitting there were six other girls—he’d told each one that she was his girlfriend. He was busted.
Now I really had the girls’ attention.
What was this guy’s problem? James Montgomery was a sociopath. I explained what a sociopath usually wasn’t—a delusional serial killer. I explained what it was—someone with no heart, no conscience and no remorse.
Then I read a shortened version of the letter that Lovefraud posted last year from a 15-year-old girl, I didn’t want to be alone and believed that he loved me. The girl described her involvement with a guy who was two years older than her. It was mostly a phone relationship—he couldn’t be bothered to actually see her. But if she went out, he got mad because she wasn’t paying attention to him. Then I read the part of the letter where he tries to get the girl to go along with his sick sexual fantasies.
By now, the girls in my high school audience were shocked.
I concluded my presentation with points on how they could protect themselves from sociopaths: First, know they exist. Second, know the warning signs. Third, trust your intuition.
The girls asked a lot of questions: How did I recover from my marriage to my ex-husband? (Good therapy.) The guy in the letter was verbally abusive—are sociopaths violent? (Sometimes.) Is there any treatment for sociopaths? (Once they are adults, no.)
I hope that I’ve warned 50 girls to be on the lookout for sociopaths.
ErinBrock
Hens….the spath would look in the mirror and watch himself the WHOLE TIME…..that was IF a ballgame wasn’t on that he was watching…..
one/joy_step_at_a_time
EB – classic but gross?
and then she doesn’t say. tease.
just joking. probably REALLY don’t want to know. 😉
one/joy_step_at_a_time
EB – ouu, a WINNER!!!!!!!!!
tobehappy
My xS told me that he still “loves” all of his x’s…incl his xwife…but that he was “in love” with me. UGh!
I told him that he uses the word too “loosely”. He may “care” about them…which he really doesn’t…only what they can give to HIM……
LOVE to them means …you give me attention and sex…then I “love” you.
kim frederick
OH YEAH, HENS, ME TOO.
To have an old campanionable friend who was always there. Who really knew me, who was alway there, who I could count on…Who I LOVED and would stick up for and support, in bad times… OH, YEAH. Always my greatest wish. But, for whatever reason it wasn’t forthcoming.
I am happier than I was for years trying to make it happen.
I’d rather be alone than in constant emotional upheaval.
I’m okay. Gonna knit, gonna paint.
, gonna cook what I like. keep the temp in the house how I like it, watch what I like on TV….masturbate when I want to,
not feel used when I don’t want to….
For the first time in my life the pro’s of being alone are outweighing the cons…..
one/joy_step_at_a_time
sounds good kim!
hens
ok I am going to try and describe am experience with my X – I had kicked him out for cheating and lying – he was staying in a tent at the lake and called me to come out and talk to him so i did and I said ‘you dont love me’ and with this look of anquish and desperation and utter fear in his eyes he said ” I have been more comfortable with you and craig (an x of his from years ago) than anybody else, he said you just dont understand… to me that was the most honest he ever was he was telling me he couldnt love and it scared the hell out of him.. and he used to talk about craig and some of the things they had done…but come to find out Craig was the one who gave him the 9inch scar on top of his head – but still my x had fond memorys of him – well i took him back in cause i felt utterly sorry for his confused self and yes the nitemare continued these people are broken and we try to help but there is no help for them i will always feel sad for him if he had only been able to love…
ErinBrock
One:
REALLY……you DONT want to know……suffice it to say….I ‘gave’ him back what he gave me to begin with!!!!!
🙂
erin1972
erinb-YOU ARE A BIG TEASE!
silvermoon
Sex is not just sex. If it was, why would anybody feel bad about being with a SPATH partner who stepped out all the time?
Having good technical sex with a skilled partner is what it is, but that is not the same. So where a spath really hooks up is with a less confident/skilled sex partner because they’ve been around and know all the stuff.
That takes a lot less work and courage to work out with a committed partner how to get it right.
For those of us who were willing to let the red flags go by in the breeze, I think sex is a huge issue because working it out with a less skilled partner takes some work on our parts.
I guess the question is, if we are going to get upset about somebody else’s view of sex just being sex and not love, then we can’t shirk the responsibility of being an honestly communicative partner, can we?
A great partner isn’t worth putting up with the other 99% of the stuff on the red flags list. It just isn’t.
Kim, I think you are on to something……