When looking for love, 20 million Americans look on Internet dating sites. Now, companies offer quick and easy background checks, although some experts worry about their effectiveness.
Read New online-date detectives can unmask Mr. or Ms. Wrong, on NYTimes.com.
BBE-I would have to agree with you 100% on that-especially in my case.
EB;
It would be consistent with the theory that sociopaths target vulnerable individuals. In my case, I had health problems and had been recently illegally terminated from my job.
Thus, when he was gone I had a lot of time to think about him. In my recovery process, I realized I needed to end or minimize several relationships with toxic individuals, making my social group smaller.
I keep telling myself be patient and to stay in the moment. At the end of April, I won legal action against my former employer and really could not do much until that was over.
BBE:
You know that is a funny thing about my X spath. He didn’t know anything about me. He just targeted me because I looked good. Not bragging, but he thought I was hot and gorgeous. The only thing he did know is that I am “sweet” because the stupid OW told him. Thanks for that!!! I really became a target when she told him that!
Louise;
On looks, I agree with you. In fact, the second night out with the x-spath was with his friends. I watched the way they were carrying on and who they were carrying on with. Based on this, and I am not a very Narcissistic person, that night I had to think that they thought the x-spath had hit the jackpot.
Only later did I open up to the x-spath about the issues.
BBE:
Yep, I went through that same scenario when I was out with him and his underlings once…how funny…so many similarities.
Yeah, I love that mine didn’t know anything about me. He even said that to me…”I don’t know anything about you.” Later, I thought, hmmmm, you don’t even know anything about me, but you want to f*ck me? Sorry for being graphic, but that is how they are. I must say, I did know a lot about him because he talked and talked about himself all the time. Again, that is what they do. I was the perfect partner for him because I am a listener. And by the way, those were his words about me…hot, gorgeous, whatever else he would say. That is NOT how I view myself.
Louise and BBE,
I can relate to both of you. Anyone who ever meets a spath ends up asking, why me? what did they want from me?
It’s so hard to see yourself the way others see you, until much later. I was 17, what could he possibly want from me? I did not see myself as so great looking, back then, but 25 years later, I can see that ANY 17 year old is going to be attractive to a predator. They want innocence. That’s all they want. If you can be conned, that’s good enough. If you are youthful, so much the better. Their goal is to destroy innocence. To catch a spath, use innocence as bait, they’ll go for it every time.
skylar:
That’s exactly what I asked myself over and over again…why was I chosen?? He also has told me more than once I was very mysterious to him. I guess you can say that goes along with innocence or is kind of along the same lines in a way.
Louise;
My x-spath was actually introverted and did not talk much about himself. Thus, I did not know much about him. He also made me feel “special” since he did tell me personal details about his past and then commented “I need to be more open.”
I was the one who made a sort of advance by asking him back to my place and he walked out of a restaurant on me. There was only one conversation with any sexual context and that was awkward and prompted by him using a chat name similar to “jamesvirginwright” partially a reference to his employer but I have subsequently learned that such chat names, screen names, profile names are often employed by sociopaths and is consistent with others.
Yes, I am no dog and to this day, he is the only person I dated more than a couple times without having sex. Last summer, when I again came across one of his profiles and saw the comment “hobbies include boys, beers and fooling around,” I not only realized this guy truly is a mess, but for the first time became angry with him and in some ways felt humiliated. Once I came across the first profile, I realized he was a lie but did not accept it until over a year later when I came across the second.
While I am convinced he is HIV+ and thank him for not exposing me to that, I have to wonder what he does with the boys he meets online…
Was I just a sofa in Manhattan for him to pass out on? Perhaps that even refers to me.
The other thing I give him credit for is not playing me. He could have easily strung me along and did whatever he wanted back in England or whatever city he flew to. However, I feel I was close to unmasking him regarding HIV so he needed to take sex with me off the table thus his decision to only be friends.
Interestingly, all the things he talked about that we could do “as friends” were most of wanted I wanted to do with him on a deeper level. Since I actually admired him and felt he could be a very good friend, I tried to go that way.
Maybe that’s what it was. As a very close friend, I could give him the prestige he lacked. If I went out with him in England, being with me would be a particular good ego boost to his friends, even if we were not really dating…
Only he knows the answers and I am not about to contact him…
duped
you’re an inspiration for me. it’s funny, though, how much NC hurts, it hurts as much as contact does. Sometimes.
sk
((((((superkid)))))
Yes, Dearest, NC hurts tremendously but just remember where it would lead to if you just continued on and on and on….
Sometimes in this life our choices are difficult ones; grown up ones; hard ones that need to be made no matter how difficult they are.
It’s sad, yes; but, if you realize what has been happening to you and you educate yourself and realize, Dearest, it is the LIE ITSELF that we came to believe that is really hurting us.
True, we were victimized. When do we STOP being the victim?
When we say: “NO MORE”. Right?
The love you have for your sp will always be there. You will come, in time, to learn how to ‘tame’ those emotions so that they don’t pain you anymore. You will always feel it but only if you ALLOW yourself to.
Get up, right this minute, and go look in the mirror, superkid…
And while you are standing there, looking at yourself, in the mirror, say to yourself: “I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS”. xxoo
No contact completely STOPS all of the terror, superkid.
It’s not like we can ‘save’ them; if we ‘love’ them, it’s only to our detriment and I certainly don’t want to spend the rest of my life living like this; do you?
If my memory serves me correctly, you are very young still and have so much life ahead of you; right? 🙂 Make the absolute MOST out of it, superkid. Find someone to love you that is kind and gentle and ‘normal’. They will never be normal as much as we would hope and pray.
I am happy I can be an inspiration for you. I am honored.
I know all about ‘hurt’, Lovey….
My best friend tried to murder me.
I have been blind for five years.
For five years I was held captive in my own mind.
I was held hostage, psychologically by a master manipulator that slowly whittled away at my self esteem and my literal life.
You stop feeling guilty, RIGHT THIS MINUTE and get out there and live this life. You dry those tears and realize who YOU are and what “IT” is and just know you are NOT alone in this.
Happy Fourth of July, superkid…
I am always around if you need me.
*HUGS*
DUPED