When looking for love, 20 million Americans look on Internet dating sites. Now, companies offer quick and easy background checks, although some experts worry about their effectiveness.
Read New online-date detectives can unmask Mr. or Ms. Wrong, on NYTimes.com.
SK:
I feel the same way about NC…it hurts really bad to not have contact and it also hurts to have contact. It’s a double edged sword. But DUPED is right…with having contact, the drama is going to go on and on and on. With no contact, all feelings are going to heal. I slowly finding that happening. It is going on four months now that I have had contact with mine and it hurts badly to think I will never see him again or hear his voice, but the consequences of having contact with him are worse. And I can slowly (very slowly) feel it slipping away. I still think about him all the time, but I can feel a change; a shift. But I wonder if anyone has felt like this…Do you hate that feeling of slipping away? Of letting go? It’s extremely tough.
(((((((Louise)))))))))))))
Yes, Sweet Louise, it is very difficult. Just remember that everything that has happened to us produced a chemical imbalance in us…all those ‘fears’ and psychological twists and turns has conditioned us to get used to those hormones and chemical imbalances. As we start to ‘slowly slip away’ from it, our brains try returning to normal levels.
It is horrendously difficult but THAT is the proof you have been ‘had’ by a psychopath: they leave that indelible scar on our psyche and on our minds. It’s a very daunting task trying to make ourselves understand, firstly, what has taken place.
Secondly, we have to struggle through ‘returning to normal’…
Oh yes, you call it a ‘shift’ and I liken it to ‘levels’ –
Hang in there Louise and don’t give up.
When you maintain NC you are making a strong statement:
“I am not tolerating your unacceptable behavior any longer.”
And once and for all they know we mean it.
I NC’d mine five times just since November and fell back into it believing the ‘iam sorry, i will change’ sob….right; they never change. The only change with “IT” will be maybe succeeding the next time in killing me!
I used to be where you are at, Louise: feeling that ‘deep hurt and sobbing of the soul’….just keep telling yourself that it just isn’t worth throwing your own personal peace and self worth away for. It just isn’t. Life is too short to be so miserable all the time.
Our journey OUT OF THIS takes time. Not only have we been tremendously betrayed and hurt, we also have things going on with our physical state of being through all of this as well. We have to be patient with ourselves.
Louise, I sobbed every day for the past almost five years.
I mean, NON FUNCTIONAL. I started digging my way out of this hole a long time ago – I am thinking it has taken me maybe four years to get to this point where I am right this moment.
I AM A FIRM BELIEVER IN AVOIDANCE BEHAVIORS FOR US! 🙂
When you start to feel sad, GET UP AND DO SOMETHING! We have to re train ourselves to live life again.
Blessings and wishes to you dear Louise…
You are in my thoughts.
*HUGS*
DUPED
DUPED:
Your post made me cry. Don’t feel bad about that. I probably needed to and plus the fact that I am also going through menopause doesn’t help my emotions. When you said that feeling this is PROOF I had been had by a psychopath…that is when I started to cry. That is an absolute truth and to hear someone say it; to have someone BELIEVE it and KNOW it…that I was psychologically damaged by this guy and the OW was very emotional for me. No one else can get it. It didn’t happen to them. And it just hurts so bad that people would hurt me like that. And it was all for their own gain…both of them.
Thank you, DUPED and I am soooo sorry that you were so hurt by this man. I am sorry you lost those five years of your life trying to dig out. I have had no contact for going on four months, but it’s been 16 months since he disappeared the first time and I am still grieving. I know if I could find someone else who I could be smitten with, it would take it all away, but I am NOT willing to do that. I’m just not. It would only add more drama into the mix and I’m not ready. Not sure if I ever will be, but only time will tell on that one.
Louise-finding someone else to be smitten with sure isn’t helping me at all. I sure thought is would. I am sorry you had to cry today. I had to cry today. That 4 months of NC seems so long for you-like my 4 months without a job. Doesn’t it feel a lot longer than 4 months for you? That’s how it feels for me.
I am sorry Louise; I didn’t mean to make you cry. 🙁
I have broken into a sob a couple times this weekend so far.
You see, my x sp is x military….makes it especially hard on
days like this but I try not to think about it. If I do, I am allowing “IT” to just suck more of my thoughts and my life away and “IT” has already gotten enough.
In my situation, it was purely a matter of survival.
If I hadn’t of ended it in NC, the way I did, I doubt, seriously, I would be sitting here, writing to you right now….I truly believe after two heart surgeries, if I hadn’t of gotten “IT” away from me, I would be dead.
You are going to be alright, Louise. Just protect yourself from those emotions, as much as you possibly can because I am here to tell you another truth: “SADNESS AND STRESS KILLS”.
Oh yes, psychologically damaged is not really the full explanation. I know. I have never been so deeply damaged, in my lifetime, Louise, and I have been through a lot. To just suddenly be so betrayed….overwhelming. But we just HAVE TO bounce back up and dry our tears and get back to being that person we were before they came along. We can do it, but we have to realize what has just happened to us. We have to be honest with ourselves and admit all those ugly truths we don’t want to. It’s the only way.
THEY aren’t sitting around ‘pining’ for US; are they? Hmm? I seriously doubt it.
I haven’t sobbed in a long while now.
Not since I first started coming here to LF…
but for four years prior, YES; I was a non functional human being. I should have been institutionalized but I wasn’t because I had loving and caring counselors who put themselves out there for ME, 24/7….and are still there for me. I am very fortunate.
I feel so comforted being amongst other people who TRULY DO understand and don’t think of me as a nuisance (although I know I can be); everyone around me has pretty much gotten fed up with hearing about it, except for my therapist and THEY get paid to listen. 🙂 But there are those times when you feel on the very edge of hell itself – where your insides feel like they are just going to get ripped out and there is no relief from the sadness…try some EFT TAPPING LOUISE…
Look it up on UTUBE. Just put in: EFT TAPPING and they will show you and explain it to you. It helped me TREMENDOUSLY….please, do check it out.
I know how difficult it is Louise. But you aren’t alone.
You just aren’t. 🙂 xxoo
Dry those tears, Lady, I am right here with you, if you ever need me. Just a hollar away….
*BLESSINGS & HUGS*
DUPED
PS: Finding someone to be smitten with isn’t going to fix that broken heart and it will only interfere in any relationship you try to have right now. Trust me. You need to find you somewhere first, amongst all the ruins that have been left. Don’t feel guilty nor ashamed…my motto is: “Never feel ashamed for loving someone.” It is THEM who the shame is on. You made a stand with your NC and refusal to accept anymore such behavior. Build upon that and be proud of the woman you are! 🙂
Hold that Beautiful head up high, put your high heels on and do all those things that make you feel happy and alive….all by yourself. Hey, for me, it’s like having the chance to be a ‘girl’ all over again, after having wasted so many years of my life on such a demonic, ungrateful, vile person………..
🙂 WE EARNED IT!
mwahhhh! xxoo 🙂
I am my own best disciplinarian.
I discipline myself, on a daily basis; sometimes almost moment to moment. When I find myself feeling sad and depressed and/or hateful and deeply irritated, I make myself do other things and think other things. I know NOBODY wants to think of anything other than that which is bringing them pain and distress, but if you try real hard, you can trigger that switch inside yourself. You will know it when it happens.
It will instantly turn you around in the other direction but you have to at least TRY to make yourself, actively TRY, do other things. After a while, if you keep it up, you will feel better. I promise. The pain never really goes away but you can reach a point where the pain is tolerable, after a while.
I never thought I would ever stop loving “IT”. It was an unconditional love on my part and all that did was fuel the monster. It’s difficult knowing who you can trust with your affections any more.
I am more interested in MY SURVIVAL and my HEALTH right now than I am anything else. I am struggling and battling with the sp, right this moment, even though he isn’t here, and I am here to tell you THAT I AM GOING TO WIN. Failure is not an option.
🙂 I am about to break out MY high heels and step into life.
Minus the relationships. 🙂
I have found that disciplining myself has afforded me a lot of relief. It’s really not easy at first but once you force yourself to do it a few days in a row, it becomes easier and easier.
I am still agoraphobic and absolutely HATE going anywhere, around anyone, but at least NOW I am getting out and doing the things I need to do. I wasn’t before. I was not a ‘pretty’ person by the time sp got done with me. Nobody will quite understand what that time was like for me.
Uncontrollably sobbed, almost 24/7. Even in my sleep.
I recognized the ‘illness’ in him and thought for sure my affection and friendship would win but it didn’t. Instead, it almost took my life from me.
It wasn’t worth it. It isn’t worth it.
It just isn’t. This life is our’s too!
DUPED
Lizzy:
Yes, the nearly four months of NC feels like an eternity. I hate it, but yet I know it’s the only way.
DUPED:
Don’t worry about the crying. I needed it and it was brief.
I bet that is hard with your X spath being military and yesterday being the 4th of July. Sorry 🙁
I will check out the EFT Tapping. Thank you.
Oh, don’t worry…I am NOT going to get into another relationship. That’s not me anyway, jumping from man to man…never has been.
I really do try to be good to myself. I think it is the things I do for myself that have helped me get through this so far.
Thank you!
Hi Duped, Louise,
Well, it always makes me smile when women here talk about finding a “new guy” (I realize that neither of you are saying anything of the sort!) – in the hopes that they will find “happiness” some day. Not that that isn’t a realistic possibility – I’m sure it is. But perhaps because I’m a man, I simply can’t see what all the fuss is about! I mean, of all God’s Creation, I think we males are among the least “aesthetically pleasing” specimens on the list: hairy chests, unmelodious voices, awkward private parts, generally animalistic interests, brutish hobbies – and so on and so forth. Indeed, I have to wonder: where is the felicity in yoking one’s life to such a creature?
At any rate, I think that’s why artists like Raphael had so little interest in males, and preferred to deal with Madonnas, Bakers’ Daughters and Virgins – because they are so much more pleasant to contemplate and be around. (Excepting, of course, MY OWN wicked and decidedly “unvirginal” madonna!) But men?! Bah, all that the average guy does these days is work, sleep, watch Internet porn for six hours at a stretch, and string seven or eight women along on multiple dating sites! (I’m not including myself, needless to say!)
So take it from me – you aren’t missing a whole damn lot, ladies! And while the “ideal guy” might exist somewhere out there in this very fallen world of ours, I tell you that I sure as hell wouldn’t bet the farm on it!
Anyhow – just a little humor to help put things in perspective! (I hope you both have a great week.)
Yes, Louise, it is always difficult on these days. Especially the Holidays. They always seem to bring back memories. I never believed I would ever be here, alone, just ‘remembering’……
And even remembering knowing he tried to purposely kill me.
That makes it even more confusing. There were times I had briefly thought about suicide. Before I had my heart attack and then something miraculous happened when I had my heart attack…
I woke up the next day after my heart attack and ONE arterial surgery…in which I almost bled to death on the operating table. They wanted to repair the other artery but couldn’t because I had lost too much blood. They didn’t want to transfuse me so they made me lay there in that bed for a whole week until my red blood count came back up by itself.
Once that happened, they went and repaired the other one.
They told me straight up it’s only a temporary fix. That the most I have is five years but more likely than not, with SCDD, it could just happen at any time. So, I made myself a promise that I would stop living life like this.
It is foolish to continue loving and pining for someone who has probably already forgotten our names. We were an appliance for them. We serve no further purpose for them so they have no consideration for us at all. It is completely foolish to allow such negative minds to not only rule our beings but our very thoughts and emotions as well. Especially when they have been nothing but tyrants to us.
We must wake up from our silent dreams and realize how far down that rabbit hole we truly went to be so traumatized as we are. For me, once I made that realization, it was all up-hill from there and still is.
I am not going to give up quitting this horrid nightmare.
If it’s the last thing I do on the face of this earth, I am determined to get MY LIFE back and that “IT” not win.
“IT” is not going to win this time no matter how skilled “IT” is.
I already have found a lot of justification, short of legal action.
And I found it inside myself. I found that although I do not wish to smash and destroy him, I do want answers and justification for my life being completely ruined the way it was by someone who just used me and took away five years of my life because they thought it was amusing. That’s not HATE/ANGER from me, that is just the truth. Ouch. Yah, it hurts but THEY ARE THE LOSERS…THEM. In this life we should always try to live in the very best possible light we can and not follow the dark. That is personal choice. No matter how much they want to blame us for all of their shortcomings.
Yes, DO be good to yourself. I have been nursing myself for the past 8 months and starting to regain some strength. NC’ing “IT” has done WONDERS for my recovery process, medically and emotionally. Not having to listen to 24/7 rants that make absolutely no sense, much less the way I was so mind controlled, I AM FREE OF ALL OF THAT FINALLY. AND NC gave me that realization. It’s like taking a break from your kids. 🙂
hahahahaha
I try to ignore the fact my x sp was in the military.
That was just another ploy of his to gain recognition and sympathy and ‘celeb status’…although I do not minimize his Service, in any way whatsoever, and will always respect him for it, he had done ‘a few’ combat tours….he tarnishes his Service and I have told him so on several occasions.
He was my best friend for a long time and suddenly he met someone else, started drugs and drinking and turned rabid.
Instead of being ‘mind controlling’ he became morally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. I had no mind left. I could not function. At all. I was completely controlled.
They say that between a hostage and the captor there is a bond and now I know what they always meant by that. That even after the experience and the captive has been freed, they still feel a close bond with their captor. It’s true. It is this same kind of reaction that has overtaken a lot of us, I believe. Almost like a ‘magic spell’ of some sort. THAT is how YOU KNOW you have been ‘had’ by a sociopath. That’s the mark, right there.
I forsake those bonds. That is a drug unto itself, just trying to release myself from all these webs that have been spun about me. I used to think I would never get free. That I would just never make it if I broke that bond, without him…hahahahahaha
BROTHER: was I DUPED. Stories like that only happen in fairy tales, not in real life. I should have known. But, he was suppose to have been my best friend…..betrayal…..of the worse kind. For as long as I shall live, I have not one word left to say to him. He will never look into my eyes again nor hear my voice. If he stalks me from afar, and he is recognized, I will have him arrested. I am tired of having an obsessed psychopath in the middle of my life. Period.
I am a big girl and not needing anyone for financial support; I am not that big on sexual things anyways…after sp, I almost throw up even thinking about being with another man. “IT” has completely ruined a majority of my life. And “IT’S” response to this was LAUGHTER. That’s right, I said: LAUGHTER. Now, THAT, irregardless of my shock and horror, is evilness, Ladies and Gentlemen…….
I rest my case.
*Hugs Louise*
We can do this. I believe we can.
I know we can. We have been hurt before…
I admit, not quite like this but we survived…
We will survive again as long as we WANT to. xxoo
DUPED