When looking for love, 20 million Americans look on Internet dating sites. Now, companies offer quick and easy background checks, although some experts worry about their effectiveness.
Read New online-date detectives can unmask Mr. or Ms. Wrong, on NYTimes.com.
skylar
missy,
you asked “what does he get out of this.”
the answer is simply: your emotions. He is feeding off of them. pure and simple.
I know it seems strange, you couldn’t possibly imagine being that way, but he is.
I posted somewhere else about how my spath took his friend out to find a retrieve a dead body from an accidental drowning. His greatest high was in watching his friend’s face at the sight of a dead person in the river.
That tells you everything you need to know about why spaths do what they do.
Don’t give them any emotion and they go away.
candy
Hi Missymud….You seem to have worked things out for yourself, I see it in your post. The hardest part is convincing ourselves!
He has you on the backburner, living with one woman whist emailing you, promising to leave her in Jan (yeah right) He’s just weighing up his options. At the moment he’s not sure of your reaction so he’s holding onto his current ‘supply’. If you agree he will take things up with you and use you whilst he’s looking for another victim.
There is no such thing as being friends with them, they do not understand friendship, it’s not something they are capable of.
They are soooooo predictable.
I see you are doing ‘a bit of dating’ may I suggest that you concentrate on that and stay no contact with spath.
Just offering a bit of advice having been through all of this with my spath, hope it helps.
missymud
thank you candy, skylar and ox,
I don’t know you, but you have helped me. I am thinking that I will get the book Betrayal Bonding mentioned under other posts.
Have a good night to all.
superkid10
Two things. Unrelated, sort of.
I think it would be great to be able to post names of sociopaths (suspected of being, anyway). Could we do that? Is that slander? Would anybody know which Joe Smith it was anyway?
These background check people should also offer to have STD checks.
Eva
Oxy, yes they are something almost incredible to believe.
I think he left the condoms visible in his bedroom on purpose so i could see them. Yes, i realized it i could not trust him ever!
I know i’ve been very lucky. I did some complete tests 6 months after our last encounter and they were perfect. But with this creatures anything could have happened.
Ox Drover
Dear Superkid,
There ARE sites where you can post names, the only names that I THINK Donna wants posted here are ones who are already in the news or convicted of criminal psychopathic-type behavior. So you can say “I think Ted Bundy was a psychopath” or “I think Bernie Madoff is a psychopath because of what he did, his crimes, ” but not name your boy friend unless he is in prison.
Actually I would never go to bed with any man without a full and complete STD check on both our parts. Not because I think I have anything because I don’t, (haven’t been exposed) but I am not going to risk my health by having intimate contact with anyone else’s body fluids, and though condoms might cut the risk if someone is infected with an STD there are MANY STDs that are not even slowed down by a condom.
There’s an old joke about “what do you call people who use condoms for birth control?” PARENTS!!!!! So if it won’t stop conception all that well, when a woman is only fertile 2-3 days a month, what’s the chances of it stopping disease, which can be transmitted 28-31 days a month? Any man that I would even be INTERESTED IN sleeping with, would not object at all to a complete STD check and showing me the results. If someone did object, I’m not interested in them anyway.
Eva
Hi Oxy, Superkid and all
I asked my psychopath to make blood analysis and he did it quite fast and without any objection. I did it too.
But, once i saw condms in his apartment. Ok this proves that he didn’t like to take risks as far as his health is concerned but he had very strange “friends”. Some of them gay men, he liked very much gay men as “friends”.
I really feel deep down a psychopath is very risky as sexual partner even with previous blood analysis and even using condom too.
Ox Drover
Eva,
ABSOLUTELY they will lie to you, so if they are not ONLY with you, and/or you are not SURE of that, then they are very RISKY partners. Also, some sexually transmitted diseases do not so up for 3-6 months after exposure so a “clean test” now may not show up an infection that is already there, just not been long enough to show up in a blood test.
BTW, in order to have a “clean bill of health” a physical exam AND a blood test for several diseases are necessary not just a blood test for HIV.
Ox Drover
ps Eva, it is fairly common for psychopaths to be bi-sexual or just have sex with whatever is handy, so they are actually many times neither gay nor straight. That and the fact that they are generally into a variety of sexual partners makes them VERY risky indeed.
lesson learned
I don’t think there is anything “safe” with regards to risky behaviors.
Oops, LOL,let me clarify! My ex-Spath was the KING of condom use, HOWEVER, spillage, **accidents**, were a common theme with him. He ALWAYS used a condom. Other forms of birth control were out of the equation for him. Needless to say, I DID get an std from him. It was discovered last year. It was DEVASTATING to me!! I realized he was more than just a man whore at that point, something else I blew off. I have had numerous tests for other std’s just to make sure and thank God there are no more. But one is bad enough.
Condom use doesn’t mean SHIAT!!!
There are other risky behaviors these bastards use to suck you in to their misery. My exSpaths MO IS WINE!! And he has cases and CASES of the stuff in his shop and in his house…..EVERYWHERE, actually!! He uses this to LURE women in. PERFECT< don't you think? He did it to me, and he tried it with potential new victim too, until I talked to her. He was trying to lower her inhibitions too, "teaching" her about new wines (she said he obsessively talked about it), knowing she wanted to learn about it. She was NOT a big drinker, THANK GOD and I hope to the Dear Lord Jesus I spared her by intervening!!!! It is HORRIBLE to get caught in the cycle of alcoholism like I did with him. Before him, I NEVER touched a drop of the stuff!! But this is how TOXIC they truly are. He NEVER cared that I wanted to stop drinking, that I was concerned about it, he manipulated me MORE to do it. ANd he did it to her too. And he will do it to his next victim. He is HUGELY alcoholic and has been for years and he hid that well until later in the relationship. He has no problem driving while intoxicated and has done it MANY, MANY times!!!
Something that can seem so innocent can be used as bait, but also can be used to try to destroy you.
This part of it makes me really angry, with him and myself. The more I progressed in school, becoming closer to my degree now, the harder he tried to destroy me. Even when I couldn't verbalize it, my well being and my personal goals were far more important to me than his all out effort to control…so I slowly started to back out of the "relationshit" (Ox- lol! love it!), and sloooooooooooooooooowly finding myself again……….this has been a year long process before it all blew up.
EVERYTHING with them is RISKY!!!! I'm so grateful and blessed for this site being here. I've read so many tragic and painful stories that resonate with me, but also personal triumph over abuse and anguish. I was going to take a break from this site, the computer at all, but I'm drawn to the many articles I'm still working on reading……..it's helping me so much, just to make it through the day. I feel truly understood here, no one is judging me for my STUPIDITY in going back over and over and over again,knowing what he was………just finding better ways to deny it. Ox, thank you, truly!!!!! The support and comraderie here is TRULY helping my processing of all of this!!