A woman contacted Lovefraud seeking advice in dealing with an extremely disturbing situation. This woman, we'll call her Rosalyn, suspects her sister-in-law of child abuse. Rosalyn has been caring for the child regularly ever since she was small, and the girl is now starting school. The little girl if fine in Rosalyn's care, but when it's time for her go home, when Rosalyn says, “Mommy's coming to get you,” the child starts crying and carrying on. Several times Rosalyn has noticed that the child had bruises. “How did your hurt yourself?” she asked. The girl said she didn't remember. Other incidents also have Rosalyn concerned about her young niece's wellbeing. Rosalyn sees behavior in her …
After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 6-Getting Over Not Being Angry
This article continues our discussion of anger as a stage of healing after a trauma or an extended trauma, such a relationship with a sociopath. I have a friend who has been angry for all the years I have known her. She talks about being insulted or scapegoated at work, despite taking responsibilities well beyond her job title for the welfare of the company. She has been instrumental in eliminating several people who managed her. More people were hired and she is still talking about how she is mistreated. I have another friend who calls me to talk about how his boss doesn’t appreciate him. He details how he has been swindled out of bonuses, how there is never a word of praise, …
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Sex differences in antisocial behavior (part 2) intimate partner violence
Last week I introduced the Dunedin study a 30+ year look at the lives, behaviors and personalities of a group of New Zealanders born in 1972. We learned that a small percentage of males and females in the study population were responsible for a high percentage of the antisocial acts reported by the group. Next week, I will discuss the personalities and early histories of this group of people. This week I want to tell you about the one exception to the observation that men were more antisocial than women. In the realm of intimate partner violence, women were as antisocial as men. Furthermore, a general tendency to be antisocial was found in both men and women who were violent toward their …
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Why I don’t ask “why” anymore
By AlohaTraveler “Why?” Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know. Why did he ____________________ ? Why couldn't he _________________? Why does he think _______________? Why can't he stop _______________? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There's nothing. Let us pause for a moment and repeat that …
TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: How do you handle a high school bully?
Lovefraud recently received a letter from a 17-year-old high school student--we'll call him Brandon. He wrote that another boy at school was using manipulation to bully him. When Brandon resisted, the bully asked what he had done wrong, and why Brandon was being so mean—I can almost hear the false concern and sincerity dripping from his voice. The bully told Brandon to apologize. What happened next was classic sociopathic behavior. Here's what Brandon wrote: When I moved away from him, he came and found me and was aggressive and wouldn't leave me alone. And kept getting other people involved by asking them to ask me why I wouldn't talk to him. He then punched me and blamed me for p …
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Man’s Best Friend
By Ox Drover Someone sent me a forwarded e mail the other day that I had seen before, but this time, as I read the sweet story about how to tell the differences between heaven and hell, I started to think about my own life in relationship to this story. You may have heard it before, but here is the story. A man was walking along with his dog one day down a pleasant road and he realized that both he and the dog were dead. The road was nice but he began to be tired, hot and thirsty. He came around a bend and saw the most beautiful golden gates, with a kindly looking person standing there. The gate was surrounded by flowers and he thought how beautiful it looked. He approached the kindly …
Sex differences in antisocial behavior can teach us about sociopathy (part 1)
Recently, there has been some discussion on Lovefraud about the relationship between antisocial behavior and sociopathy as a disorder. It has been argued that antisocial behaviors are learned by some people and so not all people who are antisocial are sociopaths. The idea is that behavior that is learned may not reflect a person's underlying personality, and can therefore be unlearned. Many people also believe that personality features such as low empathy indicate sociopathy more than does antisocial behavior. The above issues are important because if pervasive antisocial behavior is reflective of a deeply rooted personality profile as opposed to “social learning” then there are many more …
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Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
Hello my friends”¦ It's so nice to be here, to discuss the subjects of narcissism and sociopathy. I'd like to begin by asking each of you, one at a time, to tell us a little about me and what you hope to give me in our short time together? Uh huh”¦hmmm”¦very interesting”¦. As we continue circling the room, if it's alright with you, I'd like to hear a little less about you, and more about me? Okay, now that we're done with the introductions”¦. Let me formally begin by stating something fairly obvious: Narcissists and sociopaths are people you'll want to avoid. Does this make sense? Are we in unanimity about this? By the way, I want you to feel free during this presentation, at any poin …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Do not expect the truth in an oral trial
Editor's Note: The Lovefraud reader who write as "Jofary" relates her experience with a sociopath in Canadian divorce court. I first participated on this site three years ago when I learned that my daughter, then only a toddler, was being sexually molested by her father (my ex). Up until that point, I was dealing with things in the typical way. I had caught my ex cheating on me and, when our son was only three months old, he immediately moved in with his mistress, who herself had extricated herself from her fifteen year stable marriage, believing my ex to be her “best friend and soul mate.” That was extremely distasteful in and of itself but, given my ex's contributions (or lack thereof) …
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BOOK REVIEW: A Dance With the Devil
Barbara Bentley was 35 years old and divorced back in 1981, when Admiral John Perry swept into her life. She met him at a dinner party hosted by a friend. The admiral dominated the conversation with his stories—he'd lied about his age to get into World War II and became one of the original Navy SEALs. He was a naval aviator during the Korean War, and flew with the Blue Angels. Then, during the Vietnam War, he commanded swift boats fighting on the rivers. He won the Congressional Medal of Honor for saving some of his men when their position was overrun by the enemy. Afterwards, he did clandestine work for the federal government, going places where it would be better if the American p …