Consider this extract from a piece by Anthony Daniels in The New Criterion: In his essay, The Empire of the Ugly, the great Belgian Sinologist and literary essayist Simon Leys recounts the story of how, writing one day in a café, a small incident gave him an insight into the real nature of philistinism. A radio was playing in the background, a mixture of banal and miscellaneous chatter and equally banal popular music. No one in the café paid any attention to this stream of tepid drivel until suddenly, unexpectedly and inexplicably, the first bars of Mozart's clarinet quintet were played. “Mozart,” Leys says, “took possession of our little space with a serene authority, transforming t …
Sociopaths violate all human values
As part of my day job—writing scripts for web-based training programs—I came across some information developed by the Institute for Global Ethics. Surveys conducted worldwide have consistently identified a group of values that people of all cultures and nationalities recognize as essential. These universal values are: Honesty Responsibility Respect Fairness Compassion Sociopaths violate all of them. Perhaps that's why those of us who are ethical, who care about others, who want to live cooperatively among our neighbors, feel so shaken after a collision with a sociopath. These predators take the qualities that people all over the world consider essential to the social contract and s …
After the sociopath is gone: Hear me roar
It has been five years since the sociopath was arrested and I was set free. Five years of growth, of change, of healing. Five years of pain and sorrow leading the way to laughter and joy, abundance and gratitude. Five years after the ending of that debacle, I am grateful that I no longer have to think about him, or worry about him, or do things because of him, or even for him. Five years of growing into doing for me. Living for me. Turning up for me without fear. What a difference time makes. As I look back to those days when my life was narrowly defined by what he wanted, he said, he needed, he dictated, I am in awe of how far I've come, by how much has changed. I am in …
A leading polygraph expert discusses psychopathy and how people lie
Last week I ran across the book, Criminal Interrogation: A Modern Format for Interrogating Criminal Suspects Based on the Intellectual Approach, by Warren D. Holmes. The author spent his early career in law enforcement and now runs a private polygraph company in Miami Florida. He has interviewed many psychopaths including murderers and child molesters. I was anxious to read this book and understand a law enforcement officer's view of psychopaths. I was happy to see that the book is very well written and I would recommend it to Lovefraud readers who want to know how a law enforcement officer approaches interrogation of psychopaths/sociopaths. Many Lovefraud readers have expressed the desire …
A leading polygraph expert discusses psychopathy and how people lieRead More
It’s not weakness, but lack of clarity, that exposes us to an exploiter
Editor's note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com. You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that's not always possible. It is vital, therefore, if you've been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are …
It’s not weakness, but lack of clarity, that exposes us to an exploiterRead More
Passing through the hatred and rage at the sociopath’s betrayal
Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader "rriinnaa" posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter's Earliest Warning: I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won't be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my …
Passing through the hatred and rage at the sociopath’s betrayalRead More
Fear: The gift sociopaths/psychopaths didn’t get by their third Christmas
If you read the stories of victims of sociopaths, many common themes are apparent. One of these is the victim complains that he/she is riddled with anxiety while the sociopath goes on with life effortlessly. From the point of view of a victim then, it is hard to see fear as a gift. Many say they wish the sociopath suffered some anxiety over the mess of their lives. The worst sociopaths (psychopaths) even go to prison multiple times, only viewing this fate as “an occupational hazard.” Over the past 100 years, clinicians and scientists have written about the lack of fear in sociopaths. Many have speculated that lack of anxiety or fearlessness is one of the causes of sociopathy/psychopathy. I …
Fear: The gift sociopaths/psychopaths didn’t get by their third ChristmasRead More
Help in gathering evidence for a restraining order
"D" Spotwell knows the frustration of trying to get a restraining order. She had a violent husband (currently serving a life sentence, which is why I'm not using her first name) and another relationship that turned into stalking. She went to court numerous times to get restraining orders, complaining of telephone harassment. She left court empty-handed. Why? Because she had no evidence of the harassing calls. Spotwell has since learned how to get proof of telephone harassment that a judge will usually accept. Now, she's helping women (and men) in similar situations. Spotwell is a representative for a telephone answering system called SpeechPhone. This is essentially a computer technology …
Do psychopaths/sociopaths make choices?
Hopefully, many of you read this blog because you want to know how a trained psychiatrist deals with the issues you also face. I am not glad to be eternally tied to a psychopath, but since I am, you and I share the same challenges. We can reflect on these challenges together and we will all be better and stronger. This week I received an email from one of my ex-husband's family members, so I will put off the planned discussion of psychopathic anxiety to address the issues raised by the email. The email points to the trivializing of the sociopath's/psychopath's behavior that family members often do. This week give some thought as to how you will deal with others who trivialize a …
Evil – a simple definition
I love my wikipedia. I learn a lot I didn't know and I refine my thinking by finding fault too. (The problem is knowing what is worth learning and what needs unlearning!) Consider the wikipedia definition of evil: Evil is generally defined as any activity which takes advantage of another person for one's own benefit....(In contrast, good is helping others, even sometimes self-sacrificially; see saint, sainthood.) There's something dodgy about the form of this definition and also something very familiar about its implications. For one thing, it fits with the the lable 'anti-social' which refers to behaviour which has ill effects, but good intentions - "well, in his culture that behaviour …