Finally—the word “sociopath” is being applied to a high-profile case that doesn’t involve a serial killer.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco, wife of Joey Buttafuoco, shot in the head back in 1992 by Amy Fisher, the “Long Island Lolita,” is telling her story. And the first words of the introduction are, “Joey Buttafuoco is a sociopath.”
Getting It Through My Thick Skull—Why I Stayed, What I Learned, and What Millions of People Involved with Sociopaths Need to Know, has just been released. Why did it take Mary Jo 17 years to write the book? Because it was only in 2007 that she realized the truth about Joey Buttafuoco.
Perhaps you remember the case. Mary Jo got shot. The police said her husband was having an affair with her assailant, who was 16 at the time. Joey Buttafuoco denied the affair, and Mary Jo believed him, defended him, and rallied friends and family around him. But the cops were right and she was wrong—her husband was sleeping with the teenager. Then Joey Buttafuoco said it was all Amy Fisher’s fault—and Mary Jo believed him again.
Mary Jo describes the craziness of life with her husband: how he continued to reel her back in, how she coped with the ordeal (she became addicted to painkillers) and how she finally recovered—from the addiction and from Joey. The book is co-written by Julie McCarron, a well-known celebrity collaborator, so it’s an easy read.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco has launched her media tour with an appearance today on Good Morning America. See the coverage:
Mary Jo Buttafuoco speaks out about her ex-husband Joey, the “Sociopath”
Excerpt: Getting It Through My Thick Skull/p>
In her book, this is the message Mary Jo conveys:
I wouldn’t wish marriage or an intimate relationship of any kind to a sociopath on anyone; my hope is that this book will inspire others to “get it” and get out far sooner than I did. I promise there is a great new life on the other side!
Mary Jo actually contacted me when she was starting her book, and we spoke on the phone. Now the book is done, and I hope she gets a lot of publicity. I hope a lot of people buy it—especially people who really don’t understand how many sociopaths are in the world, and what they look like. Maybe, just maybe, this book will be a big step in raising public awareness about sociopaths.
Getting It Through My Thick Skull is available now on Amazon.com.
Blindsided, If my memory serves me correctly your ex told you from the get go he was never going to leave his wife for you, but you still built up a fantasy love around him. Like you, I often found myself wanting to believe things to be the way I wanted them to be, in spite of evidence to the contrary. And it does hurt to realize our “fantasy” was only in our head.
Yes, Banana’s quote is a good one and one I want to commit to memory and apply. One thing I also need to remember is that when someone tells me or shows me what they are all about, I need to believe them and not what I “want” them to be like or what I “want” to believe about them in spite of evidence to the contrary.
Once the trigger of the anniversary passes, tomorrow will likely be a better day for you. All in all it sounds you have done really well with your progress. So here is a big hug to you and a pat on the back for making it a whole year. And try to remember this guy is a guy who got you to go against your morals and help him betray his wife, then he betrayed both you and his wife with someone else. Your love can never make him love you and your love can never change him. You deserve better than him. Good luck.
Jen2008
You are really so right about everything. I still cannot believe I said yes to him- that was so not something I ever did before or ever imagined I would do. I guess my daughter just leaving for college and me being left alone with my husband who I no longer love (who has multiple physical and mental illnesses) made me very vulnerable.
And sure, I knew exactly what he was all about- but he was just so charming, smooth etc. all the things everyone talks about during the seduction phase- that I somehow believed things would be different with me. Yes, he lied to everyone from his boss to his mother, but he never would do that to me- that’s what I let myself think.
Recently, he even lied, cheated or whatever his way out of his job- a great job that he didn’t earn, but smooth talked his way into. Apparently (Iheard this through office gossip not from him) he has had to take a job with a very long commute because if he had stayed , he felt he would have been fired. Another thing I knew, but didn’t reallu put the pieces together until after–he had many stories about many jobs in the past, they all ended badly, but it was never his fault. In retrospect, I see that his sociopathic tendencies has made him unable to hold any job for any length of time.
And even he told me in our last conversation 7 weeks ago that I deserved better than him. I guess he knows what a creep he is but due to his sociopathy, he feels no guilt and so keeps on doing the same thing over and over– and he will be 60 inOctober!
blindsided31 I hope you keep getting stronger and stronger because it may not be until he is 70 and really desperate for someone to take care of him, maybe the wife dies, dumps him, whatever…but these guys, I’d guess about 99% of them do come back again unless they are totally convinced there is no way in hell you would ever take them back. So be prepared for that. I blasted mine so good that I hope after more than 40 years of always contacting me again that this time he is really gone for good. But just in case, I rehearse in my head hanging up on him if he calls, deleting his emails without opening them (his known addresses are blocked, and he is blocked on facebook from me) and screaming “security” if I ever see his sorry face. I’d tell the security guys he is stalking me! I practice and practice in my head. If I even think of talking to him, it gives me the runs, so I know that deep in my bones I know that further contact with a narcissiopath or psychopath or sociopath is horrible for me. I also do sometimes picture me talking to him, but STRONG in my integrity, just saying over and over. “Just leave. We have nothing to discuss.”
jah
I hope I could be as strong as you- at this point I couldn’t guarantee that. Although, I pretty well let him have it when he contacted me 7 weeks ago- basically told him he is a sociopath -said something like “You need to read “The Sociopath Next Door”- it could have been written about you! – and don’t contact me.” So far, after 7 weeks, he hasn’t.
blindsided31:
He knows you have got his number, that you are onto him and you know that he is a sociopath/psychopath. That means to him that you can no longer be exploited and that he knows you can see right through him and see through ALL his stupid games. So you are no longer any use to him as he can’t hurt you or exploit you or use you anymore. In fact you are a danger to him now, as you can alert others of what he is. That is why you havn’t heard from him for 7 weeks.
Tilly,
In my case I don’t think it’s that easy.
They have a need to win, an as stated earlier, they try to make sure they have someone available whenever possible, just incase. I truly hope for many of you with out children that these S/Ps do leave you and never turn back.
However, My P/S has contacted the GF before me, since beginning this R with his mistress, and they did not have a child together.
Just hold tight BLINDSIDED, it may be years, but he may be back. By then you should be strong as my P/S’s Ex. She told him she never wanted to hear from him again, that she was happily married and he should be Reconciling with his wife, not trying to meet up with her. BTW, she never learned/did the work to find out he was a P/S.
I’ve gotten varied responses to why S contacted me 7 weeks ago on the one year anniversary of a weekend trip.
Some said, he just wanted to hurt me all over again- remind me that he STILL doesn’t love me- power trip.
Some said, he wants to see if he could still have me if he wanted- basically keeping me in his back pocket for possible future use.
After the conversation, I told him that I would not contact him again- and don’t contact me. This was the first time in the past year I had the strength to say that.
Now, some are saying he still may contact me at some time in the future. I don’t know. During the week of D&D- one year ago this week, he said many hurtful things to me. One was, “Even if I was single, I still would not want to be with you.” That, more than anything, sticks in my mind as so final.
Then later on, he told me he “loves” his new victim and was “thinking of leaving his wife for her”. More horrible hurt- that was in early December 2008.
7 weeks ago he said, “I said I was THINKING of leaving”- basically admitting he lied– to hurt me? to seem like less of a creep? Just because all he knows how to do is lie? I don’t even know if he is still seeing her. With his new job at a distant locale- most of his time is pretty much taken up with the commute. Maybe he’s eyeing someone at his new job- that seems to be his pattern-find someone at each job locale.
It shows how twisted they are and how twisted they can make someone.
Still in my heart of hearts, I hope he does contact me. But in my brain, I know I am better off without him. Wouldn’t it be good it I got to the place where, if he did contact me, I would be able to reject him. I’m not there yet and still don’t see myself ever being there. But–I did not know how I would get through the next day, let alone the next year- but I have!!
Dear Blindsided,
At some point you may need to understand this IS about YOU now… this is no longer about him and the bad man that he is…thats past tense…
Present tense is you trying to figure out why STILL IN your heart of hearts you want a person such as this COWARD to contact you with hopes of him in your life…
Start to try to see yourself at a place where you say…
1. He is married
2. He has multiple affairs
3. He told you he is thinking of being with this other person
4. He doesnt love you..
Now, tell why you hope in your heart of hearts he contacts you…
Are you wanting or needing to be emotionally abused? Are you wanting or needing negative attention? Do you feel you deserve bad treatment?
Are you feeling terribly lonely and stuck in a fantasy about him? What is it about YOU… not HIM …that would allow you to place yourself in a place of desire for him?? After all the truth and reality you are aware of about him? This is now about you…
See yourself being there.(rejecting him without him even needing to contact you) reject him in your thoughts – HE IS BAD FOR YOU – you would not be happy even if he said “Ive changed my mind, it is you I want”…. you would be with a liar and a cheater… do you not deserve better? See him for who he is – take the jump into the reality of the situation – not what was or what you wanted..but the REALITY..xo
Blindsided,
Congratulations on getting through an emotionally challenging week — I didnt post much last week but you were in my thoughts. But more importantly congratulations on getting through a very challenging YEAR. As you said, “But”“I did not know how I would get through the next day, let alone the next year- but I have!!” You definitely have done so and it is a good time for you and all of us here to give ourselves a big high five for making it through such painful times.
Conversation threads like the ones with Biddy/TNewman and IRL a woman I am trying to support as she struggles with the reality that her boyfriend is a sociopath and NOT going to change, are reminders of how very very difficult those first days/steps can be, regardless of weather we are choosing to go or have been discarded. In the moment the pain and heaviness feels un-bearable… and often times we woul do *anything* to make it any other way in our attempts to curtail it. As someone (Tilly?) said “we were all Biddys once” in some way or another, so taking a moment to stop and say good job for the progress made is important. I liken it to being in a 12 step program and marking progress.
Additionally, I totally understand your comment that “Still in my heart of hearts, I hope he does contact me. But in my brain, I know I am better off without him. Wouldn’t it be good it I got to the place where, if he did contact me, I would be able to reject him?” I was in that place for a long time and I am in a place where i would be able to “reject” him. However that doesn’t mean I don’t still find myself wishing he would make contact, if that makes you feel any better. The only difference for me is that I am still in the angry mode where I would like him to contact me just so I could reject him just to symbolically say that he has no power over me, doesn’t get to have that control, and that I am empowered enough to do so and that he can’t manipulate/hurt me. I am still working toward the land of “indifference,” I guess.
Anyway, congratulations, and keep up the good work! 🙂
Hecates
Dear blindsided and learnedthelesson:
I was in a similar place as blindsided, and here were the answers to the questions you ask about WHY!! Or do you think you deserve bad treatement, etc etc.
By the way, those are NOT the questions the therapist asked. Instead, she just assured me those feelings of wanting him would go away, the more I maintained NC. I can tell you, even thinking of him is a form of contact that sometimes (ALL the time at first) is hard to avoid. But talking to him???That would have set me back. WAY back. Sounds to me like blindsided is doing great.
Okay, as far as the Why’s.
1) Because I was in love. Being in love does things to your brain to addict you.
2) Because I am a person capable of deep and true love and so have great capacity for forgiveness, empathy etc. GREAT traits with a good guy. Traits that are just exploited by a bad guy …and even make it hard for me to do the right thing in a relationship with a BAD Man. He was faking it. I was NOT. It hurts when you love someone and it turns out all wrong.
3) Because of cognitive dissonance. Is he good, he is bad, did he love me, did he not. Is he trapped in a bad marriage and doing the best he can or he is a total sociopathetic jerk. He is temporarily being bad, but I will open his eyes and forever he will be in love and wonderful? On and on. We find the, as Sandra says, the nanosecond when he appeared normal and loving and committed and hang on for dear life. He could have committed murder in front of me at one point, and I would have started analyzing WHY, wondering if I should call the cops or not. I had lost my way, lost touch with MY integrity which now causes this whole mess to hurt so much!!!
4) because I had a betrayal bond going on.
5) because he treated me like my mom treated me and by god, that feel like “real love” even though it hurts like hell….and maybe this time there will be a happy ending.
6) because he was going to be my prince charming to my cinderella, and when you are hurting and down for the count, it is so hard to give up on that.
7) because the only way this isn’t a complete train wreck is if there is suddenly a happy ending with him. Otherwise I had to face it was a train wreck, I was a train wreck .
8) because they project their values and their lack of integrity on to you, their envy, their paranoia and you lose yourself!!!!!!!
I could go on and on and on. As I read elsewhere: “When your house is flooding and you’re trying to survive, it’s ineffective to think about the dam that broke 100 miles upstream.”
In other words, don’t worry about WHY you still want him in some ways at some level, or why he still hurts you etc. The first thing is to take care of your survival. Put up the sandbags. Get your house and you in a safe place. No contact with the flood waters. Don’t wonder why the river looked enticiing. Don’t worry if you are hot and the waters look inviting. Just keep the water OUT. It is a flood! Don’t let one drop in!!!
AFTER, long after the flood water recedes, then you can safely consider why the river looked good, even as the waters started raging out of control, even as you began to realize you were up chit creek without a paddle…LATER.
Just keep high and dry for now.
Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!