By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Dr. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. received his degree in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University and has studied and worked with manipulators and their victims for many years. Dr. Simon has taught over 250 workshops on the subject of dealing with manipulative people. In 1996, he published In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. This book is in its ninth printing.
The book is divided into two principle parts. Part I is “Understanding Manipulative Personalities” and Part II is “Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People.”
Two Important Types of Aggression
Dr. Simon describes two types of aggression:
Two of the fundamental types of aggression ”¦ are overt and covert aggression. When you’re determined to have your way or gain advantage and you’re open, direct, and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you’re out to “win,” get your way, dominate, or control, but are subtle, underhanded, or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Concealing overt displays of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into backing off, backing down, or giving in is a very powerful manipulative maneuver. That’s why covert aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.
Though Dr. Simon doesn’t call the “manipulative” people he describes psychopaths, he seems to completely understand the manipulation techniques of psychopaths as we know them.
The tactics that manipulators frequently use are powerful deception techniques that make it hard to recognize them as clever ploys. They can make it seem like the person using them is hurting, caring, defending, or almost anything but fighting for advantage over us. Their explanations always make just enough sense to make another doubt his or her gut hunch that they’re being taken advantage of.
Therapists whose training overly indoctrinated them in the theory of neurosis, may “frame” the problems presented to them incorrectly ”¦ In other words, they will view a hardened, abusive fighter as a terrified runner, thus misperceiving the core reality of the situation.
Though Dr. Simon calls what we might term a psychopath an aggressive personality (overtly aggressive or covertly aggressive), he sums up both types of aggressive person as “Their main objective in life is ”˜winning’ and they pursue this objective with considerable passion. They forcefully strive to overcome, crush, or remove any barriers to what they want.”
In Part II of the book, Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People, Dr. Simon gives some interesting and realistic ways to deal with the “wolves in sheep’s clothing.”
There are several things a person must do to ensure that the frequent contests of life are played on a level field. To guard against victimization, you must be free of potentially harmful misconceptions about human nature and behavior; know how to correctly assess the character of others; have a high self-awareness, especially regarding those aspects of your own character that might increase your vulnerability to manipulation, recognize and correctly label the tactics of manipulation and respond to them appropriately; and avoid fighting losing battles.
The suggestions Dr. Simon makes in the remainder of the book are simple, easily understood and are designed to empower us. I highly recommend this book.
In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People is available on Amazon.com.
Kim,
avoiding is the best way when possible.
Other than that, the only time I ever won against the P was when I used my own inner-P. Being a good person to him was throwing pearls before swine.
Before I left my P or knew what he was, I remember telling my mom, “Mom, P is so stupid, that if I ever have difficulty making a decision, I just ask P what to do and then I do the opposite. Everything works out when I do that.”
At the time I just thought I had figured out a strategy for making smart decisions. I didn’t understand that the REASON, everything was working out well was because he woudl sabatoge EVERY decision I was making. If he didn’t know which decision I made, he was unable to sabotage it.
The P’s sit around thinking up ways to make your life miserable covertly. So that you’ll feel like you’re a failure, that nothing ever works out for you. That you can’t make the right decision because your decisions always turn out wrong.
I had noticed a cause and effect: my consulting with him over the years seemed to magically always end up in failure. I assumed it was his stupidity and tried the opposite. it worked, I just didn’t know why. But it always worked.
Skylar:
There was a time I felt I ‘dominated’ our decisions…..he never gave input prior…..but always had an opinion once it was done…..
On a small scale….
What color do you want the bedroom?
I don’t care, why do you ask such stupid questions, you know I don’t give a damn…..
I paint it ‘golden hay’….
Once it’s all decorated and put back together……project complete and I lay in bed saying….GOSH, I just love how the room turned out…..
He says….I hate it, I don’t know how you expect me to sleep in here with this puke color on the walls……it looks like baby diareah….AND look at those drapes……blah, blah, blah…..
You just do whatever YOU want to do and I’m supposed to like it…..Whatever EB wants EB gets…..
Talk about crazy making……..HELLLLOOOO…..It took me a while to figure this game out…….
But I decided that he needed to be more involved and I needed to trust his decisions more…..
Oh that didn’t last…..whatever he decided for our life was a disaster…..a last minute chaotic mess of drama….
Okay…..take the backseat again…..rather…why don’t you sit in the trunk! Jerk!
I just stepped in front of him and barrelled through whatever it was…..from stock investments to paint colors to home purchases to the kids schooling…..
He liked being a back seat driver….and dog me after the fact….If I turned left….he dogged me why didn’t I turn right…..
It was the ony guarentee in our lives…..
So eventually I too….like you…..made it work for me!
Good going huh…..don’t lose sight of that….make it continue to work for you!
Erin,
yes, mine did that too! When we first met, he was so mean to me about my driving. I’m the best driver I know! (I know everyone thinks that about themselves) He finally stopped doing that and became a very bad driver himself, just to keep me on the edge of my seat. This P NEVER stopped thinking up ways to make every moment of my life miserable.
When I talk about making decisions, I mean major decisions. He wanted to crush my confidence. He needed to make sure nothing I did ever turned out right. It’s not that he would criticize the end result, but he would sabotage it underhandedly and I never suspected it was his fault. Remember, he wanted me to kill myself and he was planning it for 25 years.
That’s why when I finally left him I realized that if I could survive 25 years of living with someone who CONSTANTLY sabotaged my EVERY effort, in every way possible: physically, mechanically, financially, emotionally, even my health, I think I should be able to really THRIVE in a world without that! Well I’m not thriving yet. But I will.
Skylar:
OMG….I never let mine drive…..when I was 14 he would take me up to the mountains to his G.Parents cabin….so we could have sex….
It was a bout a 2.5 hour drive. I would dread the ride UP the mountain road….he would brag so much about how he knew the road and wouldn’t stay in his lane et.c…scared the hell out of me….HE LOVED THAT! I was petrified!
SO, once I got a car, he had crashed all of his….used to brag that he had totalled 22 cars before he was 21 years old! OH, what an honor…..Once I bought a car, I insisted on driving everywhere…..I found I was much calmer this way….
Years later…….I always drove…..if we went out to a party…..I knew damn good and well he would drink and drive with no thought given…..
He had 2 drunk driving convictions….
He had my BRAND NEW car siezed, back in the 80’s smuggleing pot back from mexico at the bORDER….all these years he had me conned that he was set up! I bought that! I did find it odd that he was arrested, but I wasn’t……It was my car, and I was the driver…..but they NEVER detained or arrested me…..It was pretty dumb and naive….I guess it showed…..this was US CUSTOMS. I Was more concerned that my parents would find out……DUHHHH!!!
His insurance rates were sky high….I have always had a clean driving record….
His accidents were HIS fault…..I was in a horrific side swipe accident….NOT my fault….and severely injured….he wouldn’t even come to the hospital…..THE kids thought this was REALLY WEIRD!!! He went to the tow yard to see how bad the car was and when I did get home….he bitched about the car being totalled……Not how bad I was injured!
I used to say to him…..
“I DO IT, YOU UNDO IT”…..
“I SWEAR YOU WERE PUT ON THIS EARTH TO SABOTAGE ME”…..
Oh, at the time…..and all the years I would say that……I had no idea how right I was!!!!!!
I just thought we were ‘out of sync’….
YES WE WERE!!!
🙂
“Hey Ty.
I heard some information that you were going back to work for Linda, and not moving back to New York. I hope that the story you told about not coming to work with me was the truth. I am choosing to believe that it was, because you haven’t called or e-mailed me to tell me anything different. I feel like I do need to tell you, because of our friendship over the years, and the respect I have for you, that if it wasn’t the truth, and for some reason you felt like you couldn’t be honest and up front with me, I would be very disappointed. You have done a lot for me over the years Ty. Things I couldn’t ask just anybody, except a real friend. That’s why when I had a position open that would benefit you, and I felt that would offer you an entrance into an organization that you could advance into a better career than either of us have known until now. You were the person I wanted for the reasons we discussed at lunch. I do hope that things work out for you with Linda, and I will continue to keep your mother in my prayers.
Take care”
This is an email that I cut and pasted from my husbands email. He doesn’t know I copied it. I would like some opinions of anyone who can tell me if this is the workings of a sociopath.
First of all, a month ago, hubby came home and told me that this man called him asking for a job, Lie #1. I checked his cell phone usage and hubby contacted him first. Lie #2. I was then told when his phone rang while we were eating dinner that it was our landlord when I askede him. I said I wanted to see his cell phone, oh my, miraculously it was gone. Hubby said he must of erased it accidentally. I do know that this man worked with hubby previously and this man had some very serious emotional issues he was hospitalized for (this man was into really sick porn).
Anyway, hubby was so excited that he would be working for him. All the while claiming this man called him looking for a job. Then, as things progressed, there was an interview with the owner of company before they would hire him according to hubby. Lie #3. The day of the interview I asked hubby if he was going to take this man to lunch before he met the owner. He adamantly said no, I suspected otherwise, the whole thing didn’t add up. (this is sort of thing is a chronic pattern with hubby – lies, deceit) so to clarify that there is valid cause for my point blank questions sometimes. His lies have caused me great pain.
In the above email, you will see he lied to me about going out to lunch (why, I don’;t know but he did) and then look at unerlying intimidation going on) This is all from a man who recently has been laying it on thick to me how much God has changed him, and how he has the companys best interest.
Unbelievable what they are like.
Dear Bibleannie,
To answer your question.
QUOTE: “lie#1, lie#2. lie#3 “Chronic pattern with hubby-lies, deceit” “His lies have caused me great pain” “he lied to me about going out to lunch”
They are “pathological liars” who lie “when the truth would fit better” so you do not need an analysis of anything he says to show that he is HIGH IN PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS, he is a LIAR.
Even if all else about him was “okay” (and I know it is not) how on earth could you interact on an intimate level with someone who is a PATHOLOGICAL LIAR and will NOT CHANGE?
The Bible calls Satan the “father of liars”—-“and the truth is not in him” so you can judge for yourself if your husband has been influenced by God or Satan. As Jesus said “by their FRUITS you shall know them.” Looks like your husband has a bumper crop of LIES.
RUN, don’t walk!!!! Look for the articles on the home page about leaving a psychopath and follow the directions there. DO NOT let him know you intend to leave until you are GONE!
Good luck. and God bless.
You are right, I want to leave, and I plan to, however, I am completely out of resources, If I had them now I would leave now. My plan is to start working again not close to home. Save money like crazy and make plans to move out. I have not intention of letting him know I am going or when.
I am thankful I found this site. I don’t feel at all comfortable discussing this with my family ( have 10 siblings) and all of them would rather believe the best about him. I would be labeled the unstable one. So freakin sad isn’t it?
I do agree that I am unstable as well because I have always wanted to find the good in people and the end result has always been that I get burned. I’ve always had a very difficult time justifying to myself to act selfishly in any way. Unfortuantely, it all stemmed from total rejection and neglect from a mother, but on the flip side, I thank God I had my dad who fed us God’s word daily and also lived his life to reflect love, forgivness, mercy, kindness and truth. I’m still letting God heal me and grow me up in many ways. Only by turning my life to Christ has there been any real growth within me. I know I am not perfect. But I do look at my own actions constantly, motives and so on and have a clear conscience.
Thanks for the advice
Just jumping in to say this author has a new book coming out which I can’t wait to read.
Here are his comments on it
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/10/01/disturbances-of-character-book/
I really agree with what he is saying about lack of character. When I was around the P, I caught his lack of character, and acted terribly OUT of character for me. Had I been stronger, that couldn’t have happened, had I been more in touch with my character. I am now, but I wasn’t then! I was doing fine though, until the evil man came along. Be careful who you love, you become more and more like them every day.
Anyway, I hope you read his article, I think it is very good.
I can’t wait either JAH. thanks for sharing the link.
Great article JAH. The site is great and chock-full of good stuff. Thanks.