By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Dr. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. received his degree in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University and has studied and worked with manipulators and their victims for many years. Dr. Simon has taught over 250 workshops on the subject of dealing with manipulative people. In 1996, he published In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. This book is in its ninth printing.
The book is divided into two principle parts. Part I is “Understanding Manipulative Personalities” and Part II is “Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People.”
Two Important Types of Aggression
Dr. Simon describes two types of aggression:
Two of the fundamental types of aggression ”¦ are overt and covert aggression. When you’re determined to have your way or gain advantage and you’re open, direct, and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you’re out to “win,” get your way, dominate, or control, but are subtle, underhanded, or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Concealing overt displays of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into backing off, backing down, or giving in is a very powerful manipulative maneuver. That’s why covert aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.
Though Dr. Simon doesn’t call the “manipulative” people he describes psychopaths, he seems to completely understand the manipulation techniques of psychopaths as we know them.
The tactics that manipulators frequently use are powerful deception techniques that make it hard to recognize them as clever ploys. They can make it seem like the person using them is hurting, caring, defending, or almost anything but fighting for advantage over us. Their explanations always make just enough sense to make another doubt his or her gut hunch that they’re being taken advantage of.
Therapists whose training overly indoctrinated them in the theory of neurosis, may “frame” the problems presented to them incorrectly ”¦ In other words, they will view a hardened, abusive fighter as a terrified runner, thus misperceiving the core reality of the situation.
Though Dr. Simon calls what we might term a psychopath an aggressive personality (overtly aggressive or covertly aggressive), he sums up both types of aggressive person as “Their main objective in life is ”˜winning’ and they pursue this objective with considerable passion. They forcefully strive to overcome, crush, or remove any barriers to what they want.”
In Part II of the book, Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People, Dr. Simon gives some interesting and realistic ways to deal with the “wolves in sheep’s clothing.”
There are several things a person must do to ensure that the frequent contests of life are played on a level field. To guard against victimization, you must be free of potentially harmful misconceptions about human nature and behavior; know how to correctly assess the character of others; have a high self-awareness, especially regarding those aspects of your own character that might increase your vulnerability to manipulation, recognize and correctly label the tactics of manipulation and respond to them appropriately; and avoid fighting losing battles.
The suggestions Dr. Simon makes in the remainder of the book are simple, easily understood and are designed to empower us. I highly recommend this book.
In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People is available on Amazon.com.
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/part-2.html
From the site that JAH linked, here is a great article on getting the “loser” to go away.
Probably won’t work for me since mine is a psychopath and has been plotting my death for 25 years, but I think it would be good for most losers.
Where to begin except at the beginning. I met the socipath locally. I had just moved to town nearby to my sibling. I was supporting my daughter and her child. I was doing fine working, and providing for them except I made one huge mistatke. I felt compelled to get my daughter out and about to meet new people. The town was small and not much to do so we stopped into a local pub to eat. This is when my nightmare began.
Conversation opened up to this person, and before I knew what hit me, I was charmed, pursued, lavished with complements. What started out as a friendly acquaintance turned into a chase. Soon, he was at my house every night, he took over, called me 5 6 7 times a day. He loved my house, he loved the fact that I was a strong responsible women. He admired me, put me on a pedastal all the while gaining more control of my every move, all under the proclamation of love. He claimed he was a Christian and had recently moved from another state to start over. He came with nothing to call his own except for a loud, fast souped up Truck with a Killer stereo in it. He was living with a friend (male) and was involved in a Bible study group. He was professing he needed this group, they were great, held one another accountable, encouraged transparency. Within weeks, I saw inconsistancies in his life when he wasn’t around this group. Heavy drinking, smoking pot and hiding it all from this group. When he was around them, he hid these things from them. He actually told me that he could not (if it was God’s will) to get married again) marry a women who didn’t accept the beliefs and involvement with this grpoup (Ekklesia).
So the confusion began for me. Part of me was very intrigued by what the leader of this group believed. Within a few months, my confidence was slipping in my faith and how far God had brought me, I was told that if we didn’t see good fruit in our lives that we could be cast into hell upon Jesus’ return.
Well, as the story unfolds I soon realized that this group was a sort of a cult. I tried to point this out to this man, he defended it and the leader, even though the leader insisted that I meet alone with him to discuss issues in my life. This man even went as far as saying that if we got married we needed to counsel with him about everything, including our sex life. That it was a maintenance thing and this is the way the leader handled all of the people in his cult. I knew that this was sick. This too I expressed to “socio” in my life. I became so fed up with the pressure from this group trying to get me aside to ask questions about “socio” and so I told them for the socio’s own good that he was spending all his time at my house, smoking pot, drinking JD. I guess I knew this was going to be a test to see just how sincere the socio was. Well, he was confronted by the leader and a relative and aftetr that he broke up with me. By that time, I was so drained and confused and the beginning of brainwashing had set in.
The socio came to me after he made a visit to his parents in Florida that he decided he was going to move there. that his mom was sick and he felt moved to go there to be near them. He asked me to go with him. By this time, my daughter had gotten backwith her son’s father. The house I was in was too big forjust me so I was encouraged by the leader to find a smaller, more affordable place. I cant begin to explain the oppression I was under as I made thismove. I signed a 6 month lease and was being terribly pressued by socio to come to florida. I was depressed, scared, my faith was being shaken. After a couple of weeks of the socio being gone to Florida, he called me all the time. Sweet talking me, pressuring me, telling me of this wonderful life we would have together, all he wanted to do for us. He told me about all the money he wasmaking with his new job. He eased right into explaining that his credit was shot from his recent divorce and that he needed me to apply for an apt. rental. I did, I sold eveything to my name and drove to Florida. Upon arriving at 10 at night, he arranged for us to have a room in a motel. When I walked in, all he had was a bottle of Jack Daneils and his coke. I was hungry, thirsy and tired and he insisted he wanted to make love to me. Right then and there, God knows I should have turned right around and left him forever. I didn’t. There was something that had it’s hooks in me.
The apt. he picked out was one he lived in before years ago when he was in his twenties. I later found out this was where he lived with a girl when he was into his cocaine and partying and wild lifestyle.
I found a job and together we tried to make ends meet. One week after arriving there, I received a call from my family that my dad passed away. I was in shock, he sent me back to Ny with $40 to my name while hemade sure he had is gallon of Jack Daniels. When he took me to the airport, it was like being dropped off by a taxi service, he didn’t come in with me, he just left. I remember walking around in this huge airport, in a daze, I felt like I would pass out.
I managed to arrive in NY safe.
When I returned to Fl, I immediately went to his job, the first thing he said was, I need 400 dollars tomake my truck payment, that he paid by money order but they said they never received the payment. I couldn’t believe it.
To back up the story a bit, the day after I got the news of my dad’s passing, I had a few days before I would fly backto NY. He got me out driving with him and we ended up at a boat dealership. He tried to convince me of the dream he had of owning a boat, that he wanted to get his Captain’s license and we could one day charter fishing trips. He tried so hard to pursuade me to go to my bank for aloan. ThankGod, I wasn’t so far gone that I gave in. And this is only the beginning of the hell. I will add more after I take a nap.
this is just the beginning of sociopaths destruction.
Dear Bibleannie,
Do not give in to any claim that he has to have money for anything…..he is just conning you, as I am sure you already know. If he had paid the truck payment with a MO he would have had the receipt so there would have been no problem. It was a lie.
I’m glad you were right in realizing this religious group was a CON and a CULT. Real spiritual advisiors do not act this way.
I do advise you to run as soon as you get enough money together to get a ticket to where your supportive friends or family are located. You might pick one or two that you think would be more supportive of you to confide in, but even if you do not have anyone who is supportive, don’t try to stay one day longer than the absolute miniimum to get a grub stake to leave. GET OUT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE! (((hugs))) You are in my prayers!
I found a synopsis of this book and Jamie exhibited many of the behaviors/tactics of a “covert-aggressive” person:
“When you’re out to “win,” dominate or control, but are subtle, underhanded or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive.”
I still to this day do not know what Jamie was looking for from me.
“1. A manipulator’s aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they’re fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can’t point to clear, objective evidence they’re aggressing against us, we can’t readily validate our feelings. ”
Exactly. One minute he was wooing me, the next minute walking out of a restaurant on me…
“2. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they’re hurting, caring, defending, …, almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they’re being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It’s hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.”
He plays the hurt “EMO Kid” role very, very well…
“3. All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit. Sometimes, we’re aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: “Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button.” But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what’s really going on. Besides, sometimes we’re unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.”
He knew I was going through a particularly rough time in my life. Need I say more?
“4. What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we’ve been taught to believe about human nature. We’ve been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or “hung-up.” So, while our gut tells us we’re dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded “underneath.” What’s more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don’t really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We’re more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator’s character. ”
My gut told me Jamie was hiding something and I talked to several friends about it. One thing that made me give him the benefit of the doubt was cultural; me American vs. him English. Since he described himself to me as “proper and reserved,” I also felt that me, the native New Yorker, might have been a bit overbearing on him. Little did I realize how much he was hide and now that I know more about him, “proper and reserved” are not two words I would use to describe him.
Other snippets I found interesting:
“Another thing to remember is that manipulators covert-aggressive personalities that they are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways. Courts are well aware of the many ways that people lie, as they require that court oaths charge that testifiers tell “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth from you or by distorting the truth.”
Jamie’s lies of omission included not telling me he was HIV+, actively meeting other people from the Internet and minimizing his sordid sexual past.
“Shaming – This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them.”
Jamie is a master of subtle sarcasm, but in his case, I think it was more of a defense mechanism he uses to disguise envy. On one date, I was subtly chided by the “vegetarian” for wearing an expensive leather jacket. Jamie had no deep animal rights values. He was merely jealous he could not afford the same. In retrospect, I was often the target of some subtle sarcasm directed at either something I did, my lifestyle or my nationality. At the time, I again thought it a cultural thing, and some being merited, say my recognition of the need to be less “plastic.” Now I see it had nothing to do about me, rather him trying to control me by bring me down to his level.
These wolves in sheep’s clothing are dangerous even if they are not sociopaths. However, Jamie’s complete lack of conscience or any sense of wrong doing in his treatment of me, with not a hint of remorse or apology for his actions even when I was trying to be friends, only leads me to one conclusion about him.
Many sociopaths leave trails of physical hurt and financial ruin, making them easier to identify. The damage of some sociopaths is solely emotional, making them hard to identify and perhaps even harder to understand.
ran into the ex-spath’s nephew, who i’ve known and loved for 25 years; uncomfortable is an understatement. i hugged him, asked how he was, then scrammed. i turned and he was standing there, curious/hurt look on his face, arms up like ‘what the hell?’ couldn’t talk to him as he is very close with his uncle and i know anything i did/said/looked would be passed on, although without malice on nephew’s part. he worships his uncle just like everyone else. blinded by his command of the universe, no doubt. i’ve been undone since then; a week now. my mind working overtime on how he told the spath-hole that i got soooo fat, looked old, run down, ragged. spath responding with a self-satisfied smirk.
20 months NC. feeling emotionally better, trying to work on all the rest amid endless financial challenges and teaching and masters work.
thought i was over the hate. not.
Hi Lost. Where you been? Nice to see your logo again. 🙂
Dear LIG, when we have something like running into the P or one of their dupes, and we react, it simply means we have MORE WORK TO DO. It is easy when there are no triggers present to feel like you have ARRIVED AT HEALING–the destination–when in fact, you mjay be CLOSER but there is no FINAL ARRIVAL, it is a journey! That was something it took me a long time to realize.
Even after 40 years of NC with my sperm donor and being pretty OK (and thinking I was MORE OK, i.e. “over it”) when he died and I had to read his will and then ontop of that realize he had PUBLISHED ON THE WEB his LIES AND HIS LYING BOOK about me—-sheesh! I LOST it. Had MORE WORK TO DO. Now, realize that I know, first off, anyone who reads it and KNEW HIM would not believe a word of it. 2) anyone who read it and knew ME, WOULD NOT BELIEVE A WORD OF IT, and 3) sooo WHAT if someone I did not know read it and believed it? HOW IS THAT GOING TO EFFECT MY LIFE? I care if someone believes it, WHY? So, I am OK again, but I had to do more work.
Don’t let this minor glitch set you back. Look at it as another LESSON that showed you need a bit more work. I have cut the dupes out of my life too. That helps. Because if they “worship” the abusers, I need them WHY? Of course I don’t! So you work thorugh this and look at it as a great OPPORTUNITY FOR MORE GROWTH!!! ((((hUGS))))
Blue_eyes,
Yes, you laid it down, he is a covertly-aggressive person and that is what we used to call “Passive-aggressive” person and even passive aggression is aggression.
What did he want from you? That answer is easy, doesn’t make sense, but it is easy. He wanted to BE IN CONTROL, to FEEL SUPERIOR to you….that isn’t a motive to “normal” people but to them it is. Just that feeling of winning by manipulating, getting by with it…that is enough to give them a “win”—even if in reality they lost.
Dear Oxy, Didn’t you mention a book entitled, “The Crone”?
Well, my Daughter and I went Yard saleing, and shopped the farmers market, and browsed the <Friends of the Library sale today.
I came home with a lovely spindle of fingering weight light grayish blue wool yarn (2.00) for my first exhibition into sock making. I'm sooo excited.
At the FM, I bought some fresh home-made Italian Herb Fettoecinna, and at the book sale I got , "The Crone" as well as a book entitled, "The Abnormal Personality Through Literature", and One called, "Crime Profiles: The Anatomy of Dangerous Persons, Places, and Situations. I got M. Scott Pecks, "People of the Lie, (i've read it before, but merits a re-read) and also, an old favorite, "Women Who Run With the Wolves". Books cost 4.00.
Such a fun day.
Still no news about a job, but Monday I will begin again.
Hope you are doing well. 🙂
kim: hiya … i’m overwhelmed with work and my masters, and pulling myself together. i’m here reading and keeping up with everyone, but too busy most of the time to post; it is so good to see everyone still so helpful and engaged. certainly good to see you too!
ox: good point. so much work left to do; it sure is easy when everyone you knew is so far out of your mind. then, there they are!…and hell breaks lose in your heart again. i did cut EVERYBODY out, even those who supported me. but if they knew him, they were a danger. 90% of my world disappeared with the spathdemon.
but i’m rebuilding it all. you’re so right. even when their dead (my dad) they can still haunt you with their lies and turmoil.
thanks, skillet-bonker woman.
LIG, I find that trying to express myself via the typed word is so frustrating. I mis-use punctuation, can’t spell very well, my typing is atrocious, and on top of all that, this lap-top has a mind of it’s own…one false move and my text is wiped out.
I originally intended to post a couple of paragraphs to you, but wham—something happened and they were gone.
Mostly having to do with, who cares if your Spath hears you’ve gained weight and look tired….If he was anything like mine he never appreciated anything that meant anything anyway….everything was only skin deep with him…..and if I’ve gained weight it’s only because I’m not worrying myself sick anymore, I’m eating better and living better!
Besides, chances are this nephew that you loved for 25 years wouldn’t say those things about you anyway.
I’m sorry yu’re so busy, but I think it’s great that you’re finishing your Masters. In what, do you mind if I ask?
Again, really good to see you.