By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Dr. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. received his degree in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University and has studied and worked with manipulators and their victims for many years. Dr. Simon has taught over 250 workshops on the subject of dealing with manipulative people. In 1996, he published In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. This book is in its ninth printing.
The book is divided into two principle parts. Part I is “Understanding Manipulative Personalities” and Part II is “Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People.”
Two Important Types of Aggression
Dr. Simon describes two types of aggression:
Two of the fundamental types of aggression ”¦ are overt and covert aggression. When you’re determined to have your way or gain advantage and you’re open, direct, and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you’re out to “win,” get your way, dominate, or control, but are subtle, underhanded, or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Concealing overt displays of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into backing off, backing down, or giving in is a very powerful manipulative maneuver. That’s why covert aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.
Though Dr. Simon doesn’t call the “manipulative” people he describes psychopaths, he seems to completely understand the manipulation techniques of psychopaths as we know them.
The tactics that manipulators frequently use are powerful deception techniques that make it hard to recognize them as clever ploys. They can make it seem like the person using them is hurting, caring, defending, or almost anything but fighting for advantage over us. Their explanations always make just enough sense to make another doubt his or her gut hunch that they’re being taken advantage of.
Therapists whose training overly indoctrinated them in the theory of neurosis, may “frame” the problems presented to them incorrectly ”¦ In other words, they will view a hardened, abusive fighter as a terrified runner, thus misperceiving the core reality of the situation.
Though Dr. Simon calls what we might term a psychopath an aggressive personality (overtly aggressive or covertly aggressive), he sums up both types of aggressive person as “Their main objective in life is ”˜winning’ and they pursue this objective with considerable passion. They forcefully strive to overcome, crush, or remove any barriers to what they want.”
In Part II of the book, Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People, Dr. Simon gives some interesting and realistic ways to deal with the “wolves in sheep’s clothing.”
There are several things a person must do to ensure that the frequent contests of life are played on a level field. To guard against victimization, you must be free of potentially harmful misconceptions about human nature and behavior; know how to correctly assess the character of others; have a high self-awareness, especially regarding those aspects of your own character that might increase your vulnerability to manipulation, recognize and correctly label the tactics of manipulation and respond to them appropriately; and avoid fighting losing battles.
The suggestions Dr. Simon makes in the remainder of the book are simple, easily understood and are designed to empower us. I highly recommend this book.
In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People is available on Amazon.com.
lostingrief
kim: masters in education. endless and difficult when teaching teenagers full time!
you’re right. he never appreciated me when i was ‘hot’ either, and his nephew loves me fat or not … even though he understands i can’t be close to him anymore.
i gained the weight after he trashed me. it’s not good and i’m not yet living better. after 25 years in which i was completely oblivious to who and what he was, AND believed in our love, it’s taken me this long to recover enough emotionally to get out of bed! it’s really taken a toll on my body and my overall health, but that’s next!
TOWANDA!!
kim frederick
Me, too! I’ve alway been fairly slender, until I left him, completed menopause, etc. Went from 120ish ti 140ish in a couple of months. that was 2.5 years ago, but still carrying the weight around.
Towanda on the M.ed. I wanted, to teach Lit, at one time, but don’t really know if I had it in me.
silvermoon
Be your best whatever that is. Skinny women are miserable with Sapths too….
Hi Kim!
Running like crazy today looking for new housing and checking into HS reunion.
So many wonderful women in the world.
So many stupid Spaths.
The choice to not use any given talent wisely is theirs.
Not our fault they decided what they did. Not at gunpoint being mean or unfatithful was.
May the force be with you.
kim frederick
And You, as well, Miss Silver.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
WHOA KIM, i AM GOING GARAGE SALING WITH YOU!
kim frederick
Hey, Onestep. I had a really nice day.
About your quandry, I don’t have a clue. I have to admit I was laying low, waiting to see what the others would say.
I think your story is fascinating! Can’t wait til the legalities are done, and you can let us in to the whole of it, complete with all the gory details. I hope you out her soooo bad, and know that I’m rooting for you!!!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hi kim – you know what happened today? I got home from a couple of meetings and someone had left a big bag of groceries at my door – apples and grapes and tomatoes and brocolli, and an avacado. wow.
i think i know who left it. no note. but will check with her.
i am also goign to take on a bigger role with teh cvommunity garden i am part of. going to make sure NO FOOD goes to waste and that if people can’t harvest I make sure it goes to the food program we contribute to. and i am going to work with the food program folks and see if we can get some of the folks who eat the food we donate to come down and garden with us. i was part of the harvesting group last year and have even better creds. 🙂 this year.
i also got a WHOLE bed alloted to me this year – which means i will be able to grow almost all the veg. i need. i can’t wait.
rats – have only 5 mins left beofre the library closes. going to see if i can get to one of the uni libraries and if they have computers for visitors. any hoo, thanks kim – yah, i look forward to outing too – butit has changed so much. before i wanted to mess up her game, now i really want her out of my life. and this is one of the steps.
try to get back tomorrow.
xx one step
kim frederick
Awesome one-step. You go garden girl. You sound amazing.
Am so glad you’re doing good.
Get that computer fixed. Miss the PM humor. 🙂
kim frederick
Oxyyyyyyyyyy. I”m whining, now. See.
I want you to answer my post about the yarn I got and the books.
Ox Drover
Dear Kim, can’t find your post about the yarn or the books, sorry! Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaase forgive me (groveling here) LOL
Glad you are doing well with the yarn etc. I hear you knitted EB some Alpaca panties—OUCH! doesn’t sound great to me, but I told her a joke and she made a mess of them laughing! Aren’t we arwfulllll? LOL
Not doing much today, just kicking back eating jerky that I made the other day! YUM!! Got to get some more meat out and make some more, between me and son D it is going!!! Oh, well so much for the DIET! LOL
You know I have decided that I am not going to worry about what I look like or what people think of my looks. I saw Betty white on a rerun of Jay Leno last night and she is soooo sharp! She was at a party with Elton John and he kissed her. Jay asked her if he got “frisky with her” and she came back quick as a whip, “He kissed me on the cheek, we didn’t take a shower together!” LOL ROTFLMAO That woman is my new hero! I wanna be just like her when I get 80+– Jay asked her if she planned to retire and she said “I’m not familiar with that word, what’s it mean?”
She was flirting with the guy that was the guest before her and said she was going to flirt with the hockey team that was there. Great, great, GREAT WOMAN! I wanna be just like her!
Loving ourselves in the SKIN WE ARE IN (NOW) I think is important! Whether that skin has a few crinkles or not or a few extra pounds, or a lot of extra pounds or a lot of crinkles, I think we should love oursleves the way we are NOW and who we are NOW! Cause you know I was a “hottie” when I was young but not near the PERSON I AM NOW!!!