By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Dr. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. received his degree in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University and has studied and worked with manipulators and their victims for many years. Dr. Simon has taught over 250 workshops on the subject of dealing with manipulative people. In 1996, he published In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. This book is in its ninth printing.
The book is divided into two principle parts. Part I is “Understanding Manipulative Personalities” and Part II is “Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People.”
Two Important Types of Aggression
Dr. Simon describes two types of aggression:
Two of the fundamental types of aggression ”¦ are overt and covert aggression. When you’re determined to have your way or gain advantage and you’re open, direct, and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you’re out to “win,” get your way, dominate, or control, but are subtle, underhanded, or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Concealing overt displays of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into backing off, backing down, or giving in is a very powerful manipulative maneuver. That’s why covert aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.
Though Dr. Simon doesn’t call the “manipulative” people he describes psychopaths, he seems to completely understand the manipulation techniques of psychopaths as we know them.
The tactics that manipulators frequently use are powerful deception techniques that make it hard to recognize them as clever ploys. They can make it seem like the person using them is hurting, caring, defending, or almost anything but fighting for advantage over us. Their explanations always make just enough sense to make another doubt his or her gut hunch that they’re being taken advantage of.
Therapists whose training overly indoctrinated them in the theory of neurosis, may “frame” the problems presented to them incorrectly ”¦ In other words, they will view a hardened, abusive fighter as a terrified runner, thus misperceiving the core reality of the situation.
Though Dr. Simon calls what we might term a psychopath an aggressive personality (overtly aggressive or covertly aggressive), he sums up both types of aggressive person as “Their main objective in life is ”˜winning’ and they pursue this objective with considerable passion. They forcefully strive to overcome, crush, or remove any barriers to what they want.”
In Part II of the book, Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People, Dr. Simon gives some interesting and realistic ways to deal with the “wolves in sheep’s clothing.”
There are several things a person must do to ensure that the frequent contests of life are played on a level field. To guard against victimization, you must be free of potentially harmful misconceptions about human nature and behavior; know how to correctly assess the character of others; have a high self-awareness, especially regarding those aspects of your own character that might increase your vulnerability to manipulation, recognize and correctly label the tactics of manipulation and respond to them appropriately; and avoid fighting losing battles.
The suggestions Dr. Simon makes in the remainder of the book are simple, easily understood and are designed to empower us. I highly recommend this book.
In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People is available on Amazon.com.
“OxDrover says:
“WALKING ON EGGSHELLS—”- any time I feel like I should walk on egg shells around anyone, this is a BIG time RED FLAG!!!!
Yep, can’t disagree with them wihtout setting them off—RED FLAG
Can’t have a different opinon on Religon, politics, ______________(fill in the blank) or you set them off. RED FLAG
Always have to go/do where and when and how they want to go/do things. RED FLAG
Now when I find myself walking on egg shells around someone so I don’t “set them off” I STOP, LOOK, LISTEN, and look again. 99 times out of 100 I find that I am dealing with an “unreasonable person,” if not a psychopath, and get away from these people ASAP.”
Ah, so so true. Sadly they seem to know that of all their quirks, this one most gives the game away, so they tend to conceal it long enough to have hooked a victim by some other means.
These people are parasites, and the first thing they do in life seems to be to refine their powers of adherence. Its never easy getting rid of them.
“I just say whatever I have to say to get them to give it to me”. That is from one of our earliest conversations. It was a red flag that I purposely, blatently ignored. I felt so bad for him. When I had confronted a sensitive issue, this strong man instantly became a weeping, pitous being. I wanted to just hold him and make all of his pain disappear. How can I “confront”, “challenge”, a helpless dispairing child??? What was wrong with “ME”??
Guys, because “we” (caring people who sometimes become victims) have empathy for the person in pain, the down-troden, the injured, our pity and “caregiving” gene kicks in when people are “helpless.”
We are just as genetically “programmed” to have compassion as the psychopath is “programmed” and taught that they can get sympathy, pity, and empathy and take advantage of this characteristic in us.
If you watch two dogs fight and one decides to give up, it lays down, turns its belly up and “gives up”—-that is dog body language for “don’t hurt me any more, have pity on me” Usually the other dog will stop hurting the other dog, make a few sounds meaning “and THERE, take THAT!” and then slowly let the other dog get up and slink off.
If you watch two little kids play and they get into a scrap, when one of them gets enough, the will ball up and start to cry. If the other child feels empathy, s/he will stop hitting the crying child, and maybe even help pick him up or say “I’m sorry”
When an infant cries, we (humans–at least most of us) have an inborn desire to pick up and comfort that infant.
A manipulative person will learn over time that when they have done something bad and gotten caught, or if they are trying to get someone else’s pity for them, they will cry, tell tales of how they have been abused/used and hurt, how lonely they are, and how ONLY YOU can “make it better.” They use the “Pity play” to get you to stop seeking the truth of why they are acting like that. “Oh, I am so wounded, you can’t hold me accountable for my actions.”
One of the things I learned when I worked with spinal cord injured patients, many of whom were paralyzed from the neck or waist down, is that though these patients if anyone deserved empathy, if you gave them instead “pity” and did not require that they do for themselves the BEST that they could to become independent members of society, they would literally die.
Psychological support and empathy for these patients was one of the biggest things we could do for them once their condition stabilized, but PITY? NEVER!!! Since many of these patients were adolescents who were going through the trauma of growing up as well as adjusting to the fact that they would never walk again and that they were somewhat dependent on others for their needs, some of them had pretty bad experiences.
I learned to professionally set goals and insist that the patients strive for them physically and emotionally to the best of their abilities. Some patients were successful and became “normal” and independent people who just happened to be in a wheel chair, others became objects of pity because they saw themselves as pitiful and would not make efforts to reach their maximum level of functioning, but focused on their defecits instead. I met my best friend of 25 years duration when he son was a patient, paralyzed from the neck down in an accident.
He lives independently now, has finished college, married, and lives an independent and normal life—he just happens to do it from a wheel chair with some physical help from a caregiver. He does not “whine” to others of “oh, pity me!”
Humans and some animals ahve a “built in” “PITY FACTOR” that stops us (hopefully) from killing a helpless member of the group/herd/pack. If dogs fight and one is injured, crippled, or hurt, he “gives up” by assuming the “pity me” posture lying on his back. Usually the other dog will stop fighting at that point.
When an infant is crying, we almost automatically want to pick it up and comfort it. If we did not have these “pity factors” no infant would survive because no one would meet its needs, and only one huge mean dog would survive.
When the manipulative person (psychopath or not) cries “oh, pity me” to either get you to do something for them, or to get you to stop “attacking” their bad behavior this is an instinctive move on their part, which has been honed and refined by experience, to elicit your pity and to decrease your anger if you are angry.
Just as a dog catches another one eating its food and is angry and attacks the thieving dog, the thiefing dog seeks pity from the other angry dog by laying on its back in a helpless posture.
Martha Stout who wrote the Sociopath Next Door, says that if you encounter th e” Pity Play” of the “helpless” you have encountered a psychopath.
Now I will not deny there are times I’ve had my own pity party for one, but a pity party does not move us to action, to help ourselves, but to seek out someone else to “fix our problem for us”—unfortunately WE are the only ones who ocan FIX our own problem—our attachment to a psychopath.
When the manipulative person uses pity to “throw us off base” and to get us to “pity” them, then wants us to “fix” their problems—whatever they are—and makes no effort to fix their own problems or to take charge of their lives, RED FLAG.
I feel a great deal of EMPATHY for most of the posters on this board, but I do not PITY any of the posters, and I do NOT PITY myself (well, most of the time LOL).
A therapist friend of mine once told me something that I have ingrained on my brain now (I wish I had kept it there) .
“THE ONLY legitimate “rescue” is to drag an unconscious person out of a burning building.”
Yet, the psychopaths and other manipulative people was US to “rescue” them from the parts of their lives that they are too lazy or unwilling to work on to fix for themselves.
Cherre, you can confront, we all can confront, and not allow our natural inborn “pity” for the helpless to overwhelm our GOOD SENSE. (and that is not always easy!) (((((hugs)))) and always my prayers.
Blueskies,
The High Conflict Institute has an archive of articles by By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. I provided my lawyer with some of these articles so he would know where this divorce was going, right from the start. Here is a link to one of them….
http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=29&Itemid=101
this is a link to all articles…
http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=77&Itemid=101
OxDrover, your post above @....... 8:51am is fabulous, really should be an article up at the top of the page! Thank you, from my heart, for taking the time to write about everything you have lived, it is invaluable to me.
Dear Chic,
It was almost “novel” length! Article? BOOK? LOL Glad you got something from it though.
Knowing all this is one thing, and applying it to our lives is another. I have “known” all this for a long time, but was not willing or able to apply it to my own life and situation. I gave ini to the pity party of abusers when confronted. I listened to the lies, I gave them “second” chances a THOUSAND TIMES, I gave them “last chances” OVER AND OVER—because it was too painful for me to even envision a total cutting off of contact with them.
I guess in a way it is like being trapped under a fallen building and the only way out is to cut off your own leg. The thought of it is worse than actually doing it, and if you dont do what has to be done, you lay there and DIE! Sure it is painful to cut off something that is as dear to you as your own leg, but it is better as the Bible says to go into life maimed than to end up in hell, and living with and loving a psychopath is as near to hell as I can imagine!
I did not want to tell you this. Even though you do not know me, I feel ashamed to say that I saw PoiSoN. I knew that I shouldn’t, didn’t know why I wanted to, but something in me could not/would not say no. I KNEW I had a choice this time, I was not entirely powerless, as I have felt in the past, but I met with him anyway; in a very public place.
It was an entirely different interaction than I was accustomed to. I felt nothing for him but maybe some strange sort of curiosity. I feel a numb, emptiness. I don’t feel that “desire” and “excitement”. My breathe did not catch and I was not overwhelmed, happy, aroused, anything that I previously usually would be. I’m not sure what I feel about him right now. It is apparent that he has nothing that I want or need anymore. His attempts at flattery, charm, caring, etc. did not move me in the least. I did not “respond” or react in his predicted manner and that, I think was apparent to him as well as myself.
He used some well-placed, what do I want to call them, “seeds of doubt”, “hooks”, phrases meant to elicit a response, a reaction. He even tried to get me to argue. I just had nothing for him. There was just nothing there.
Of course, I am thinking about him. I wish that I weren’t but I am. I am suprised at this emptiness that I feel toward him. He talked, I “listened” and heard the falseness loud and clear. I couldn’t carry on a conversation with him, I had nothing to say. I couldn’t feel anger or jealousy or sexual desire or anything that he tried to arouse in me. He tried every which way to get something and I just had nothing. Just an odd sort of curiosity, like, why am I doing this? What do I hope to see here? What am I trying to accomplish? What is wrong with “me”? What did I find so irresistable?
I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I just knew that I needed to admit what I have done; to tell you that despite everything I know I chose to meet with him anyway. That I disregarded every sane thing in my brain to see him. I don’t know why.
My feelings are baffling me. My lack of feelings are baffling me. I am preoccupied with my thoughts. I know that I am not making much sense here.
However, I did get some sleep for the first time in I don’t know how long. I had no dreams that I recall. I just feel kind of numb, nothing.
I’m trying to figure out what it is in me that “attracts” PoiSoN. What is it in me that navigates toward this type or causes them to navigate toward me.
I find it very interesting that after my first encounter with a P and being introduced to the term and the fact that they exist, I didn’t date for years, [out of choice. I am usually very comfortable with myself and I have children at home] and then all these years later, the man I choose to get involved with is PoiSoN also. There is definitely something in me that I need to identify to find out why this is.
Thanks for letting me babble on here. I keep listening to you all and you are helping so much. I don’t feel insane anymore and remember that I can trust my instincts — JUST ACT ON THAT instead of ignoring them. Also, I see that several of you have said that typing this out, reading our words, is healing.
Cherre
You make perfect sence!
We make an investment in the people we allow into our lives. We trust,care, even love and when that is not enough we need to learn to walk away! That time, energy and space in our thoughts is a Gift we give of ourselves not to be discarded but Cherished! The Truth will set us FREE!
cherre,
you made sense to me, too!
I also keep thinking about meeting with him. I’m not ready though. Maybe one day or by chance. But not now.
I have a question about dreams. Do any of you have dreams where animals can talk? In my dreams, animals can always talk.
skyler
Yes! animals have language too , not alltogether like ours but sounds and tones ! Like our dogs know what mood we are in by our tone and body language! My dog is very atune to every thing I am going through. Whale , dolphines , even the fish kind speak by means we have yet to fully grasp! did you see this ?
http://www.personalgrowthcourses.net/video/elephant_artist_hkc