By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Dr. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. received his degree in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University and has studied and worked with manipulators and their victims for many years. Dr. Simon has taught over 250 workshops on the subject of dealing with manipulative people. In 1996, he published In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. This book is in its ninth printing.
The book is divided into two principle parts. Part I is “Understanding Manipulative Personalities” and Part II is “Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People.”
Two Important Types of Aggression
Dr. Simon describes two types of aggression:
Two of the fundamental types of aggression ”¦ are overt and covert aggression. When you’re determined to have your way or gain advantage and you’re open, direct, and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you’re out to “win,” get your way, dominate, or control, but are subtle, underhanded, or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Concealing overt displays of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into backing off, backing down, or giving in is a very powerful manipulative maneuver. That’s why covert aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.
Though Dr. Simon doesn’t call the “manipulative” people he describes psychopaths, he seems to completely understand the manipulation techniques of psychopaths as we know them.
The tactics that manipulators frequently use are powerful deception techniques that make it hard to recognize them as clever ploys. They can make it seem like the person using them is hurting, caring, defending, or almost anything but fighting for advantage over us. Their explanations always make just enough sense to make another doubt his or her gut hunch that they’re being taken advantage of.
Therapists whose training overly indoctrinated them in the theory of neurosis, may “frame” the problems presented to them incorrectly ”¦ In other words, they will view a hardened, abusive fighter as a terrified runner, thus misperceiving the core reality of the situation.
Though Dr. Simon calls what we might term a psychopath an aggressive personality (overtly aggressive or covertly aggressive), he sums up both types of aggressive person as “Their main objective in life is ”˜winning’ and they pursue this objective with considerable passion. They forcefully strive to overcome, crush, or remove any barriers to what they want.”
In Part II of the book, Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People, Dr. Simon gives some interesting and realistic ways to deal with the “wolves in sheep’s clothing.”
There are several things a person must do to ensure that the frequent contests of life are played on a level field. To guard against victimization, you must be free of potentially harmful misconceptions about human nature and behavior; know how to correctly assess the character of others; have a high self-awareness, especially regarding those aspects of your own character that might increase your vulnerability to manipulation, recognize and correctly label the tactics of manipulation and respond to them appropriately; and avoid fighting losing battles.
The suggestions Dr. Simon makes in the remainder of the book are simple, easily understood and are designed to empower us. I highly recommend this book.
In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People is available on Amazon.com.
Dear Chere,
I am not sure who “PoiSoN” is unless it is a psychopath or Narcissist you met online who uses that screen name….However, if he is such, and you knew he was anyway, and WENT anyway, I think there are some articles here on LF that may answer WHY you went there….kbnowing you shouldn’t.
Essentially sometimes WE also get “addicted” to taking risks, to getting a “thrill” and a “high” out of doing risky things.
sometimes these risky things are sky diving, or bungee jumping, or racing cars or motorcycles, or other high intensity sports and other times these “risky things” are getting involved with PEOPLE who are “risky” and “high intensity”—
And, IT IS AN ADDICTION, just like cocaine or other drugs, it is a “high” and we are almost complelled to take those risks, even knowing we should not.
There seems to be a pattern too with women (and men) who have been with psychopaths and other “high intenisty” men that we find the “normal” “Mr. Nice Guy” BORING or uninteresting.
That adrenaline rush of excitement we get from being around these “challenging” and “exciting” people becomes addictive to us just like cocaine would—the problem is, just like cocaine may be “pleasurable” when we get high, it also has a BAD EFFECT ON US, and so do the “risky” “highly exciting” men (or women).
Each person has a need for some “excitement” in their lives, something novel and different and interesting—but some people develop or have a HIGHER NEED FOR EXCITEMENT than others. The psychopaths tend to have a high need for excitement, to be big risk takers and to be excited by that risk, stimulated by that risk.
Compulsive gamblers are examples of this risk taking,and really it doesn’t matter if they win or lose, they get the HIGH they seek from the RISK, not from the winning or losing.
Sometimes “compulsive gambling” doesn’t ahve to be on a roll of the dice or a flip of the cards, it is just as much ‘gambling’ to seek out contact with a known “bad boy” for the HIGH OF THE RISK….
FORTUNATELY, though, after recognizing this in ourselves, we can control it, just as a person who realizes they are an addict for booze or drugs can control that addictiion. UNTIL we can say to ourselves though, I AM ADDICTED TO _____” WE CAN’T EVEN START TO FIX IT.
I realize that I like excitement—-always have—–but I have learned to channel my needs for excitement and novelty into more positive ways. I found I can get interesting things in my life that are NOT risky, I can become excited about doing things that are NOT RISKY. I never need to be bored or feel FLAT or that my life is not interesting and active. Yet, I am staying away from people and things that are RISKY, that might have some BAD CONSEQUENCES.
((((hugs))) and God lbless. ps. Don’t ever be “ashamed” to ‘confess” to this bunch, chances are however unwise your actions or thoughts, there is someone here who has done pretty much the same thing, OR MORE unwise. We are not here to JUDGE you but to support you in better and wiser choices in the future.
OxD
Well Said! Perfect! Exactually! Bravo!
Easy,
I’m sitting here completely in awe after watching that link.
My mind was blown when I realized what the P was and now it is blown again after watching that video – but in a much more positive way!
Please, everyone, don’t miss the video in Easy’s link. It will amaze you.
Thank you Easy.
When i asked the question about animals talking, I didn’t mean while you are awake.
I was more wondering if, in your dreams they speak in English words. They do in mine quite often.
At least they did while I was with the P. I haven’t experienced it since. It’s now very obvious to me that my subconscience was SCREAMING at me in everyway it could think of to warn me and I wouldn’t listen. I was plagued by extremely symbolic dreams.
Oxy, Cherre’s Poison is P/S/N. Skylar, the native American’s ascribe different aspects of personality to different animals. An owl might represent wisdom, a turtle patience. A dog might represent loyalty, a fox cunning, etc. I would look at how you think of any animal in your dreams. What might it represent to you? And then listen to what it is telling you. It is a message from yur unconscious,your wise and knowing self. In The Shadow of the Shamin, isa very good book on native american spirituality.
From the same website that Easy linked to more mindblowing stuff:
http://www.personalgrowthcourses.net/video/perceptual_experiment
Maybe this explains why we didn’t perceive what was happening when the P’s were conning us?
Wow! That is incredible. How on earth did I miss that?
It is indeed incredible! What is even more scary is, when I was doing the test, I remembered doing this years back, but again was so focused on the white shirts, I again missed the obvious! Double whammy for me 🙁
It is totally amazing how a conditioned mind (that has been molded over decades by an N or P or S), will NOT see the snake in the grass, no matter how many times it has bitten you. I had to reach that pivital point, thru my wonderful therapist’s advise, to look up NPD, and only then did I realize what I was married to. And that instant realization was so shocking I felt like 10 anacondas dropped on me…….
I looked at the video a couple of times and counted 13 passes BEFORE I checked the answer.
Then I looked at the video twice while still counting the passes, but ALSO watching for the obvious. Both times I counted 14 passes and it was actually easier to keep track when I was less focused on the white shirts…
So does this mean that keeping a broader awareness actually focuses your attention better?
That is a really good question. I got to thinking about any time I was angry with my P, and I would call him on something, he would some how get control of the arguement by baiting me, and re-focussing my attention on something else. Like how it was really my fault, and then I would engage with that by defending myself, and He’d weasel out of having to contend with my original complaint. Masters of manipulation.