By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Dr. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. received his degree in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University and has studied and worked with manipulators and their victims for many years. Dr. Simon has taught over 250 workshops on the subject of dealing with manipulative people. In 1996, he published In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. This book is in its ninth printing.
The book is divided into two principle parts. Part I is “Understanding Manipulative Personalities” and Part II is “Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People.”
Two Important Types of Aggression
Dr. Simon describes two types of aggression:
Two of the fundamental types of aggression ”¦ are overt and covert aggression. When you’re determined to have your way or gain advantage and you’re open, direct, and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you’re out to “win,” get your way, dominate, or control, but are subtle, underhanded, or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Concealing overt displays of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into backing off, backing down, or giving in is a very powerful manipulative maneuver. That’s why covert aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.
Though Dr. Simon doesn’t call the “manipulative” people he describes psychopaths, he seems to completely understand the manipulation techniques of psychopaths as we know them.
The tactics that manipulators frequently use are powerful deception techniques that make it hard to recognize them as clever ploys. They can make it seem like the person using them is hurting, caring, defending, or almost anything but fighting for advantage over us. Their explanations always make just enough sense to make another doubt his or her gut hunch that they’re being taken advantage of.
Therapists whose training overly indoctrinated them in the theory of neurosis, may “frame” the problems presented to them incorrectly ”¦ In other words, they will view a hardened, abusive fighter as a terrified runner, thus misperceiving the core reality of the situation.
Though Dr. Simon calls what we might term a psychopath an aggressive personality (overtly aggressive or covertly aggressive), he sums up both types of aggressive person as “Their main objective in life is ”˜winning’ and they pursue this objective with considerable passion. They forcefully strive to overcome, crush, or remove any barriers to what they want.”
In Part II of the book, Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People, Dr. Simon gives some interesting and realistic ways to deal with the “wolves in sheep’s clothing.”
There are several things a person must do to ensure that the frequent contests of life are played on a level field. To guard against victimization, you must be free of potentially harmful misconceptions about human nature and behavior; know how to correctly assess the character of others; have a high self-awareness, especially regarding those aspects of your own character that might increase your vulnerability to manipulation, recognize and correctly label the tactics of manipulation and respond to them appropriately; and avoid fighting losing battles.
The suggestions Dr. Simon makes in the remainder of the book are simple, easily understood and are designed to empower us. I highly recommend this book.
In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People is available on Amazon.com.
In sheeples Clothing more like!
http://www.wanttoknow.info/009/090914_bin_laden_dead_internet_shutdown_emergency_powers
Skylar
The other night on world entertainment Govt. approved info chanel 9
Ants speak !
http://www.personalgrowthcourses.net/video/elephant_artist_hkc
How many of you thought that the P in your life was extremely nice and/or shy (yet charming) when you first knew them or met them? When I barely knew my exP in college, I always thought he seemed like a very nice guy. Yes, he was shy and a bit awkward and quirky, but I used to attribute shyness to always mean kindness. Now I know that just because someone is shy and quiet, it does not always mean that they are extremely kind. I don’t know why I used to think they were. I wonder where I got that theory into my head.
The weird thing is that after we were married, he showed this other cool-as-a-cucumber, mean, “confident” side. He still reverted back to the shy, sweet guy when he was trying to get me to feel sorry for him and when he’d threaten to kill himself if I left him. He would even ask, “Don’t you pity me?” It was so weird. It was almost like he had multiple personalities, but since I know he was diagnosed with ASPD, I know this wasn’t his issue. Otherwise, I would swear it was.
Had he been doing the shy/sweet thing all those years before, as an act? Or did he really used to be like that and so that side came up now and again? Was he that conflicted inside or was it all an act? Did he pity himself? Is this what Ps do? It’s so confusing. I’m still trying to figure Ps out and trying to decide how much of what they do is intentional.
I just can’t get over the fact that I always thought he was one of the nicest guys I ever met. Granted, I probably only saw him about 6-8 times while I was in college and that was over a decade ago. I also eloped to him after a very short period of dating. Maybe I didn’t see the signs enough or something. My situation in understanding this P is unique in that there was an 9 year period of time when I did not see him at all. Do Ps change drastically in their twenties? Or do they play the game differently? Or do people just get to know them best when they’re in an intimate relationship?
I’m obviously not doing very well with my goal of “No Contact” in my head tonight.
I realize that if I don’t give more background, my above post could be confusing.
I didn’t see him for 9 years because we went our seperate ways after college. I didn’t know him very well, so there was not a reason to stay in contact. Then came the days of myspace and facebook and he found me online, 9 years after I had last seen him in college.
So, I barely knew him years ago, then we connected online, saw each other once when he came to where I was living for academic interviews, had a mild ‘flirtation/start of a relationship’ type of thing going on.
Next, I flew out to visit a friend of mine in his state. He happened to call me that day and drove 6 hours to see me, on the spot. I’m embarrassed to say that I eloped to him weeks after that. I had only been on vacation to visit a friend, and ended up getting talked into marriage, of all the crazy things! It was very out of character for me. I never do anything impulsive like that and I still don’t know what in the hell I was thinking. I had been very lonely, as I had been living on the other side of the country from friends and family because I had moved to attend graduate school. I also was in my thirties and wanted to start a family very badly. He knew this and I think he played upon this desire I had. I don’t really know for sure why I did it though. I was very swept off my feet. I thought he was the love of my life. It does not excuse my stupidity though.
I was married to him and with him for 7 weeks before I left him for being abusive and well, for lack of a better word, nuts. I found out he was diagnosed with ASPD while I was married to him and he was surprisingly candid about that with me. It’s about the only thing he was candid and honest with me about. When he told me about it and showed me his psych file, it’s almost as if he was proud of it and was TRYING to freak me out. Anyway, when I left him, I was pregnant with his baby.
Fast forward. I then went back to him to see if he’s changed a year and 1/2 later, after being “in hiding” from him and having no contact. I left again after only a few days. That visit went about as you can guess. I wasn’t going to stick around any longer and expose my baby to that crap. As it was, when he yelled and went into his fits, my poor little baby trembled from head to foot. He’d never heard anyone yell, let alone at his mom. Luckily, I didn’t stay around long enough to be physically abused this time. That was in January. Now you’re all caught up to speed.
The weird, short history might help you in helping me figure this all out. It’s just all so confusing and weird. I still can’t wrap my brain around any of it.
I think they ‘portray’ or come across as shy because we just interpret them this way….at that time…..
In reality, they are busy conning someone else…..and they haven’t figured out our ‘place’ in their lives….YET….or they haev and we are of better use to them in the shy mode….they don’t hit hard….
When you became of use to him….he turned it up…….he became a hunter and gatherer….once he gathered he went back to ‘shy’.
Did any of that make any sense?
I think they are always ‘placing’ us in whatever roll they need us in……and they change the rolls…..
Jill:
Remain strong…..keep that roll up!
XXOO
Jill,
shy or reserved is the game he will play so as not to scare the prey before he goes in for the kill. shy gives him time to watch and learn his prey’s behavior, her desires, her natural inclinations.
These, creatures, are operating from the ancient part of the human brain called the “reptile” or “snake” brain. It’s the oldest, most primitive part of the brain and involved in territory, sex, hunting, all that reptilian stuff. Reptiles don’t have more brain than that, psychopaths do but you would hardly know it.
http://phe.rockefeller.edu/BrainNotChange/
quote from link above:
The Triune Brain
In a remarkable 1990 book, The Triune Brain in Evolution , neuroscientist Paul MacLean explained that humans have three brains, each developed during a stage of evolution. [2] The earliest, found in reptiles, MacLean calls the snake brain. In mammals another brain appeared, the paleomammalian, with new particular behavior, for example, care of the young and mutual grooming. In humans came the most recent evolutionary structure, the hugely expanded neocortex. This neomammalian brain enabled language, visualization, and symbolic skills. But economical evolution did not replace the reptilian brain, it added. Thus, we share primal patterns of behavior with other animals, just as they share those brain structures. The snake brain controls courtship, patrolling of territory (including our daily 75-minute travel budget), displays of dominance and submission, and flocking. And makes most of the sensational news.
My own P seemed like the strong, silent type when I met him. Now I know he was just watching me.
Once he knew me, he metamorphed into just about any personality he needed, especially the RAGE personality.
BTW, ErinB, are you reading this? One thing he said to me that I’ll never forget: “Oh, so you’re a philosopher are you?”
I can’t remember what I had said to him prior, but I thought, “how sweet, he really listens to what I say.”
B*LL F***in Sh*t!
Erin, In addition to princess and pedastal, that’s another red flag that went off when you described your date the other day. When they are too attentive, I now worry about WHY they are so attentive. It’s like he’s already decided that he wants you before he has gotten to know you. That’s a red flag to me. Unless he is making it plain that he wants sex, like so many men do, then he is covertly stalking your emotions. Frankly, I’d rather have a guy that makes it plain that he is only intersted in my body than a creepy, weird stalker that wants my emotions.
When you questioned him on the pedestal comment, his reply sucked too. He turned it around and basically told you how smart and unique you are. smells slimey. I would do some serious covert testing on this guy.
As if dating wasn’t hard enough, now we have to worry about emotion stalkers. God help us.
Jill, it is confusing! I think just having these kind of feelings of confusion around someone could indicate that you may be involved with a toxic person… the S/P I knew acted like he was shy, and like he had social anxiety… I found this endearing(!?) because, I guess, I am shy and it seemed like something I could understand and help him with… thing is, at a complete juxtaposition to that ‘shy guy persona’ he displayed a devil may care attitude and exhibistionist behaviour, and when confidently sleezy around other women would say that he was just a very sociable animal(and I was possessive, blah, blah, blah.) IT DIDNT ADD UP! Nothing’s real apart from there own sense of want , rage, hatred and entitlement. Things like the ‘shy guy’ routine and hard working dad having a tough time routine, are classic mechanisms for drawing people in, usually on a one to one basis… so hard coming from a’ normal’ (and I use the term loosly for myself right now after the year I’ve had!;)perspective that EVERY SINGLE THING/BEHAVIOUR/WORD/ACTION was a ROUTINE from start to finnish… not a real persona, just a WAY of getting a want met in a world of human beings.x
Skylar,
You really are insightful. This is very intersting about the reptile brain. The funny thing that is totally unrelated, but it’s still funny, is that my exS always looked like a lizard. I know that sounds strange. I thought he was very good looking, but he had this face shape that was the same as a lizard’s. His eyes were cold and had that same unfeeling reptilian look to them. I could never read them or tell what in the world he was feeling. Now I really will think of him as a reptile! I used to like reptiles! lol. He’s also obsessed with living in the desert (which is where we lived together and where we grew up). So, he was just a reptile afterall. Next time I fall in love, I’ll try to fall in love with a human, not a lizard. hahha.
Blueskies,
I have to say that every time I see your Moniker, I get happy. It makes me want to go to the beach and enjoy some blue skies. It was a great choice, especially for this board.
What you said about the Ss and Ps not having a real persona, “just a WAY of getting a want met in a world of human beings” rang true. That really makes sense out of something I have not been able to make any sense out of. I don’t know why I have this need to make so much sense out of it all. Thank you for helping me with it.
The S you knew sounds similar to the S I knew in regards to playing up this social anxiety thing. He even tried to use it in court when he fought my Order of Protection charge. He made it seem like he was this shy, nice guy that has social anxieties. It was disgusting when I saw him act like this. That is the only good thing about my court experience with him. His behavior was even more obvious, as the direct lies were so blatant and his acting skills were so perfect. Before this, I still saw him as a human being. In the court room, he seemed like nothing more than an exceptionally good actor. I’m not match for that. I only had myself and truth to bring to the table. I don’t have any acting skills at all. I looked like a crying, bumbling idiot. That made me look unstable and him totally together.
I like how you described your S as having a “devil may care attitude”. This is exactly how my S was, after I fell for him. Even when he was rock climbing, it was very scary how little concern he had for anything. He was so flippant about it and dangerous. I had always been a very safe, careful, cautious climber, so our rock climbing styles described our styles in real life. I should have caught on to that. Looking back, I should have seen this as a sign that he really wasn’t this sweet, shy guy. Afterall, I knew him from the rock climbing circle of friends in college. I’m such a sucker for the sexy, tall and lanky rock climbing hippy men! It’s an illness! ha.
My exS was also sleazy around other women too and about them. I caught onto this too late.
I can see more clearly how he sucked me in with this routine and why I didn’t see this side to him in college or know about it. What he portrayed was so opposite of what he was. Shy people aren’t usually exhibistionists, but the Ss we knew sound like they had this routine down. I think that’s why I’m scared of people in general now and don’t trust anyone’s motives. Sheesh. I need to get over that hurdle. What if my toddler catches on to this? I need to be very careful about this, as it would be a very unhealthy and emotionally damaging way for him to view the world. In a way, it’s the way my ex viewed the world. He always thought everyone was out to get him and was going to screw him over, so he was going to do it first. At least I don’t want to screw anyone over and that is not my natural inclination, but it’s still unhealthy of me to think this could happen all the time again. It just keeps me from making friends, being social and moving on with my life. I can see that and I can say it, but changing these thoughts in my head is tricky. They sneak up on me in very subtle ways. I’m going to have to start paying very close attention to the thoughts I have in my head about people and challenge myself on these. Now I’m just thinking out loud, but your post really led me to a helpful train of thought.
Erin,
Wow, you’re right. He was busy putting someone else through this at the time. His then girlfriend hates him with a deep passion. I never knew why because I wasn’t close friends with her and stayed away from the gossip in that circle of friends. I don’t like gossip by nature and typically ignore it. Now, I know he might have put her through all of this. Who knows. But, I wasn’t his target then, so I saw another side to him. This is brilliant! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. Thanks for the insight. It brings some relief to me to understand a little bit more.