By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Dr. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. received his degree in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University and has studied and worked with manipulators and their victims for many years. Dr. Simon has taught over 250 workshops on the subject of dealing with manipulative people. In 1996, he published In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. This book is in its ninth printing.
The book is divided into two principle parts. Part I is “Understanding Manipulative Personalities” and Part II is “Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People.”
Two Important Types of Aggression
Dr. Simon describes two types of aggression:
Two of the fundamental types of aggression ”¦ are overt and covert aggression. When you’re determined to have your way or gain advantage and you’re open, direct, and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you’re out to “win,” get your way, dominate, or control, but are subtle, underhanded, or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Concealing overt displays of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into backing off, backing down, or giving in is a very powerful manipulative maneuver. That’s why covert aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.
Though Dr. Simon doesn’t call the “manipulative” people he describes psychopaths, he seems to completely understand the manipulation techniques of psychopaths as we know them.
The tactics that manipulators frequently use are powerful deception techniques that make it hard to recognize them as clever ploys. They can make it seem like the person using them is hurting, caring, defending, or almost anything but fighting for advantage over us. Their explanations always make just enough sense to make another doubt his or her gut hunch that they’re being taken advantage of.
Therapists whose training overly indoctrinated them in the theory of neurosis, may “frame” the problems presented to them incorrectly ”¦ In other words, they will view a hardened, abusive fighter as a terrified runner, thus misperceiving the core reality of the situation.
Though Dr. Simon calls what we might term a psychopath an aggressive personality (overtly aggressive or covertly aggressive), he sums up both types of aggressive person as “Their main objective in life is ”˜winning’ and they pursue this objective with considerable passion. They forcefully strive to overcome, crush, or remove any barriers to what they want.”
In Part II of the book, Dealing Effectively with Manipulative People, Dr. Simon gives some interesting and realistic ways to deal with the “wolves in sheep’s clothing.”
There are several things a person must do to ensure that the frequent contests of life are played on a level field. To guard against victimization, you must be free of potentially harmful misconceptions about human nature and behavior; know how to correctly assess the character of others; have a high self-awareness, especially regarding those aspects of your own character that might increase your vulnerability to manipulation, recognize and correctly label the tactics of manipulation and respond to them appropriately; and avoid fighting losing battles.
The suggestions Dr. Simon makes in the remainder of the book are simple, easily understood and are designed to empower us. I highly recommend this book.
In Sheep’s Clothing—Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People is available on Amazon.com.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/pierre_tourigny/367078204/
This one is for you Oxy, regarding your mnister.http://www.oklascience.org/Wolf_In_Sheeps_Clothes.gif
Dear Jill,
The “swept off your feet” and directly into marriage without really any TIME spent together is a common plow from the “Psychopath’s Play book”—-he hooked you before you had a chance to get away, then reeled you in quickly.
As an “old mother” though, don’t worry so much about your baby picking up on your stress and so on, they DO a bit, but the thing that they need and want, in my opinion is that someone is THERE FOR THEM….responding to their needs, and I can bet you are doing that!!! You nursed your baby and that is a wonderful bonding thing with your baby I wish more women would nurse their children even if they have to go back to work (it can be done!) soon after the baby is born.
Your baby needs love, consistent responsiveness and holding and attention. What more could any baby need or want? Their needs are pretty simple at that age! Your baby is getting that!
I think you are also fortunate too that your child didn’t get bonded to him and then be abused by him. so there are definitely some POSITIVE sides to your X being out of your child’s life early on.
Take care of yourself as well as your son. Your baby’s needs are simple now and mostly easy to provide, and you will need your strength when your baby is older and needs more complex things, so take care of YOURSELF NOW.
Oxy,
Thanks. Yes, I do work very hard at making sure my son’s emotional and physical needs are met very well. We’re very close and we have a great relationship. I do worry about little things he might pick up on. I am constantly changing my voice to sound cheerful to him, because he deserves to be around cheer and happiness. I do it when I’m sad too and I worry he picks up on how I’m really feeling from some kind of non-verbal cues that I don’t even realize I’m doing. So, thanks for saying that. Maybe I should stress less about it. Well, I know I need to stress less in general.
Yes, I am so, so, so very lucky that my baby never bonded with the S father. I’m also very lucky that my exS has no interest in being his father, so he has not pursued anything legally to be declared my son’s father. He could at any time, as the courts have all of my contact information from the divorce and domestic violence preceedings. He could have gone after shared parenting or visitation at any time and chose not to do so. His reasons for trying so hard to find us are not so he can go about something through the proper legal channels. He has revenge and malice on his mind. He cares more about money than his offspring, so didn’t want to pay a dime for the baby or child support. I’m grateful for this because I don’t want a dime from him. I wanted him out of our lives. I didn’t want my baby to be exposed to his violence at all, ever. The 6 days (most of the time his dad was working) my baby spent with his dad were enough. Thank goodness. I still get worried that he could change his mind at any second, but then I will FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT him on this, like a Mama Bear in court.
I do so wish my son had a father. I would give anything for that. Well, not anything. I won’t give up our safety and invite a violent, sick man into his life. I just wish I could know that he will leave me alone forever. I have heard that he is still trying to find my address desperately. This stresses me so much. Why does he do this? I think he wants to follow through on his threats. Seriously, there is no reason for him to need to know my address. He can serve me with any papers he wants to at any time, through the proper, legal channels. His attorney has my attorney’s contact information. He actually even has my attorney’s name, address and telephone number. It’s just so scary. I try not to let it control my thoughts. I try to focus on the present. And in the present moment, my baby is sleeping peacefully next to me, with his cute, sweet little baby sighs. He is a happy, content child. I am safe. We are mother and child and at this moment, no one is taking that away. I’m working on the whole zen thing.
Oh and you’re right. I do ned to take care of me. I take good care of myself physically, but not emotionally or socially. I really need to, but I don’t even hardly know how to do that anymore. I’m so wounded, but I’m sick of being wounded. I’m a survivor, not a victim, so I need to start acting like it. Easier said than done. I just feel stuck.
jillsmith,
I don’t know what thread it was on but I saw that you had written a post wanting more understanding of how the disordered personality has the Dr. Jekle and Mr Hide personality. And from what I remember (as I can’t find it now) you had said that your husband had a shy exterior when you first met him but showed a completely dofferent side after you married him and lived with him.
I actually had started a LONG post to you this morning but had to go to work before I could finish it. Its gone now (grrr) and so I will start over but “hopefully” not get as long winded as my earlier post!
I think I am alot like you in my need to REALLY understand this very complex disorder/illness. I just do not seem to be able to deal with my “own feelings” without better understanding of it.
My perspective is a bit different than most here on LF as I am dealing with this disorder/illness with my son. And from where I stood about a little over year and a half ago (when I first saw signs of something very wrong) to where I am now is a big difference. I have watched this disorder/illness manifest within him. There were times were things seemed to escalate very quickly.
I never wasted much time thinking this was a normal teenage thing. A “This to shall pass” kind of thing. Although I did see some disturbing “outside” behaviors that troubled me early on, (likened to teenage rebellion) what REALLY troubled me was what seemed to be “missing” on the inside. Something was very wrong. I would describe it now, as it seemed as if developement wise his emotional and mental capacitys were arrested at some point in time and not “completed”. His “wiring” wasn’t right.
Overnight he became a compulsive liar. The lies troubled me but what REALLY troubled me is the fact that he BELIEVED his lies. He seemed almost delusional at times to me. Lived in his own reality and seemed to have no real sense of REALITY. He also seemed to not get it when it came to actions speak louder than words. What he said and what he did were not one in the same. Yet in his “reality” what he said always over rode what he did.
I thought that with some therapy and help that he was young enough to be helped. Rewired if you will. He had experienced trama at a young age. I thought this might have been the “root” of the problem.
Fast forward to the now: I am not sure if he is “grooming” the disorder, or if the disorder is “grooming” him.
But as it has progressed (so quickly it seems) it has managed to overwhelm me many, many times. Because I am “watching” it happen/develop before my eyes and it is SUREAL.
So I am trying desperately to understand this. And have spent endless hours reading, studying and thinking about it.
I think he is aware that he is different (on some level) and doesn’t “connect” & interact with his peers in the same way they seem to connect & interact with each other. I think he has made allowances for that….And has learned to “pretend” or mimic average teenage behavior when he is with his friends/peers. BUT he feels superior to them. His EXACT words are that they are ordinary and will go on to live ordinary lives. He is above all that and will live to experience nothing short of a grand life. He is very grandious. Very arrogant.
Watching this disorder unfold has been very difficult.
Therapy didn’t help. Programs didn’t help. If anything therapy made it worse as he lied so much to the counscellor and he took that as a feather in his cap. It was like a STEP in the wrong direction.
Even though he is young the disorder/illness has progressed alot in a short time.
And I can see how even at his YOUNG age he seems to assess a situation and manages to manipulate it to be exactly what he wants it to be. He seems adept at “reading” people, EVEN adults.
So I believe by seeing this disorder “growing” from the ground up so to speak that a disordered personality does create “illusions”. They can be very adept at becoming “exactly what you want them to be”. (when they are reeling you in or trying to get what they want) For all the emotion that seems to be missing inside of them, they seem to have an EXTRA KEEN insight/ability into reading into our minds and reading into our emotions…
They LACK so many emotions and feelings, however to me it seems to be replaced with something else. It is baffling to me exactly what that “something” is…..In other words how does a person that can’t feel certain emotions, KNOW with a certainty how to TRIGGER those emotions in us. But it seems to be a common denominator with those with the disorder.
I can say for certain that my son has the Dr. Jekle, Mr Hide thing going on. That is what CONFUSED me for so long.
When you met your husband you saw the side of him that he “presented” to the world. Later you saw who he really was. As they say here on L.F he let his mask slip.
Don’t ever doubt what you saw/lived or regret getting away from him. You were very courageous to do what you did.
I still have days where I try to believe that my son is suffering from Bi Polar or some other treatable disorder.
But for the most part my heart is very heavy. And as much as I try to “wish it so”, (being treatable) I don’t really “FEEL” it is anymore.
As a mother, seeing this grow/manifest in a teenager is really an unbelievable experience. It goes against a mothers grain to even SEE this dark side exist in their own child. JUST admitting that this “exists” is heartbreaking.
Witsend,
I am like you in needing to understand this PD. And I think that I do now. I have spent every waking moment and all of my dreaming time of the last 3 months learning about it, thinking about it and pondering it. I’ve internalized the knowledge and not even the tiniest nuance of narcissism gets past me.
But still I don’t really know what to do about someone who has it. You might try reading, “the Art of Selfishness”. It isn’t about P’s but does touch on the subject in a way. I’m half-way through it and it has some advice for various stages in your life.
It talks about a parent trying to protect their children from reality after one parent dies. The parent vows to be giving and self-sacrificing. Mr. Seabury advises against that. He thinks all children should face reality. In fact the whole book could be summed up by saying it is about how we should face reality and how we so often don’t – without even realizing it. It certainly opened my eyes about how I try to escape reality.
The way you talk about your son growing into a P before your eyes, you could be describing my own exP. But that would be impossible because he was a P before I met him. Only he had decided to hide it while I had money. A few years ago, it seems like he became unable to hide it anymore. His hate had overpowered him. It seemed to “grow before my eyes” as if it had never existed before. But I was able to remember all the little red flags that had existed before. That’s why I know he didn’t change, he only let the mask slip more and more. Now, he is so far gone, it’s as if he is delusional, his lies have turned into paranoia. It’s as if he cannot see or hear anything but what is in his imagination.
It’s possible your son was this way for a long time but hid it because he felt powerless in your presence. The older he gets the more powerful he feels and now doesn’t care to hide his true self.
In “The Art of Selfishness”, Mr. Seabury speaks a little bit about evil and how to convince someone not to do evil. He says that if you tell people not to do evil because it is evil they will most likely want to do it even more. People don’t really mind being evil and forbidden fruit is all the more tempting. If you can persuasively show and convince them that it is FOOLISH, they will abandon the evil because no one wants to be stupid. He does explain that it’s important to have a persuasive argument and in other chapters he explains various ways of how to do this.
Laughing at evil is one very persuasive argument for how stupid evil is. When your behavior elicits laughter, it means hat it is obviously foolish. I know I have diffused my exP with laughter many times.
Jill,xxx I am always totally amazed when I say something on here and its useful to someone! Its a good feeling though:)xx
The trusting of other people… yes, I admit I am still working on that, but I believe I’ll find my way through in the end. When we get tangled up with these wretched creatures, it blows our perceptions of the world apart,but it IS possible to put it back together, and maybe in a better way… you’ll get there lady, we all will xxxx
I think you are an AMAZING woman ( I am often completely blown away by the strength of character and intelligence of LF members)the way in which you are dealing with what’s happened to you and the questions you are asking , the way you are still(in the face of all this) keeping the moments with your beautiful baby in the forefront of your mind, finding that kind of peace, its all so good and healthy and natural!… make sure you spend at least one minute of every day reminding yourself of how bloody well you are coping and how flippin amazing that is, and make sure you give yourself as much time as you need to work through things, go easy on yourself, you are doing an excellent job of dealing with everything. Very impressive woman.x
Dear Jill,
It is IMPORTANT tha tyour son have ONE strong parent. In order for your son to have that, YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ABOVE ALL, even above your son.
YOU MUST MEET YOUR OWN NEEDS FIRST, even before his.
I know you may SCREAM NO! NO! at my saying this, but it is true.
During the depression in 1929 my farmer grandfather was farming with mules and the primary diet of my grandfather’s family was corn, either directly or as pork. The diet of the mules was also corn.
My grandfather fed his mules until they had ALL the corn they would eat (mules will not, unlike horses, over eat and kill themselves) but he fed the corn to his mules, ALL they wanted.
Many other farmers fed the hogs (which they would eat) the corn if corn was in limited supply and UNDER FED the mules.
My grandfather would have sent his CHILDREN TO BED HUNGRY before he would have sent his mules to the stable hungry. WHY? Because the ENTIRE WELFARE OF THE FAMILY depended on the MULES BEING HEALTHY. If the mules were not healthy and strong, the entire family would have eventually starved to death or lost the farm and been homeless.
Your son’s welfare TOTALLY DEPENDS ON YOU, so if you do not take care of yourself first, your son’s welfare is in peril.
We have to look at some hard choices sometimes, but we must put the priority on the most important things.
Your son is at an age where he isn’t as aware of a lot of things as he will be later, so NOW is the time for you to focus on YOU so that YOU will be STRONG when he needs you the most.
Your X is essentially out of your “life” and isn’t attacking your child, so focus on getting the FEAR out of your head, the WORRY out of your heart. Those are counter-productive emotions right now, look at the POSITIVE THINGS you have, and COUNT your blessings instead of look at and worry a bout your son not having a “father”—by the time he even knows what a “father is” who knows, you may have a wonderful “father” for him in your life—IF YOU HAVE HEALED YOURSELF ENOUGH THAT YOU CAN HAVE A POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP with a good man.
I didn’t have a “father” in my life either until I was 3 1/2, and I didn’t even know I was “missing” anything. Kids are happy if they have someone(s) consistent to love them and meet their needs. That is all they need when they are toddlers and younger. A lap to crawl up into when they need reassurance. As long as you meet the needs of the young child (which actually are very very simple) for food, cuddling, reassurance and safety they are completely happy and well adjusted. It’s only when they get older we have more complex needs to meet with them. NOW is the time for you to relax about meeting the needs of your child and to FOCUS on yourself, I think.
FEED yourself FIRST, regain your strength and power during this period with your psychopath out of your son’s life. GROW strong again and regain your confidence in YOURSELF.
It isn’t others I think you need to learn to trust, but to re-learn to TRUST YOURSELF to take care of your son and to provide for yourself and keep both you and your son safe in this world. High anxeity isn’t going to help you meet your son’s needs, and the worrying increases your anxiety. I think much of it is “needless” worry—and personally, my opinion is that your son has a WONDERFUL MOTHER WHO IS MEETING HIS NEEDS, but she needs to start meeting her own needs more. So I’m done with the “old woman nagging the younger woman” bit for now! ((((hugs)))) love oxy
I love having so many minds to bounce my life off of!
You guys are the BEST!
Thanks to all the LFers for helping each of us keep our eyes open, learn, grow and view the world from a different/safer perspective!
It take a village!
XXOO