By Ox Drover
I recently read The Gaslight Effect—How to spot and survive the hidden manipulations other people use to control your life, by Dr. Robin Stern. I highly recommend this book to Lovefraud readers.
Robin Stern, Ph.D., is a therapist specializing in emotional abuse and psychological manipulation. She teaches at Hunter College, Teachers College and Columbia University, and is a leadership coach for faculty.
This well-written book is quite reader friendly. Dr. Stern starts off by defining the term “gaslighting” as being “pressured by someone else to believe the unbelievable.” She goes on to show that gaslighting is “an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that can be difficult to recognize and difficult to break free from.”
In the first chapter, Dr. Stern says:
I constantly encounter women who are smart, strong, successful. Yet, I keep hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive and bewildering relationships. Although the woman’s friends and colleagues might have seen her as empowered and capable, she had come to view herself as incompetent—a person who could trust neither her own abilities nor her own perception of the world.
”¦ In every case, a seemingly powerful woman was involved in a relationship with a lover, spouse, friend, colleague, boss or family member who caused her to question her own sense of reality and left her feeling anxious, confused and deeply depressed ”¦ (and) whose approval she kept trying to win, even as his treatment of her went from bad to worse. Finally I was able to give this painful condition a name: The Gaslight Effect, after the old movie Gaslight.
In the 1944 classic film, Ingrid Bergman marries a charismatic and mysterious man played by Charles Boyer. It is the story of a young and vulnerable singer who marries an older man who, unbeknownst to her, tries to drive her insane in order to get her inheritance. He continually tells her that she is ill and fragile. He rearranges household items and accuses her of doing so, and manipulates the level of lights, which dim for no apparent reason. Eventually the heroine starts to believe she is going insane and begins to act “crazy.” She is desperate for her husband’s approval. She is only able to finally realize she is not insane when a policeman sees the lights dim and validates her reality.
Though Dr. Stern makes clear that not all gaslighters are deliberately trying to drive their partners insane, nevertheless, they invalidate the views and realities of their partners. In trying to please them, the partners let go of themselves and their view of reality.
Dr. Stern never uses the words “psychopath” or “sociopath,” but instead refers to emotional abusers as “gaslighters” and the abused as “gaslightees.” She does make it clear that there are patterns here that most of Lovefraud readers would equate with sociopaths and psychopaths.
Dr. Stern divides types of gaslighters into three categories of emotional abusers and three stages of gaslighting. She points out the internal signals, feelings that would tell a person being gaslighted that they are indeed experiencing some form of emotional abuse and invalidation of their reality by someone they want to please.
I am one of those people who, when reading a book, am apt to highlight passages in the book for later reference. With this book, I gave up highlighting because I tended to highlight entire chapters instead of a few phrases. In my opinion this book is a must have for every Lovefraud reader. It validates the very subtle feelings we get when we know something is wrong and can’t quite put our fingers on what is wrong with a relationship.
Not only does Dr. Stern point out how to recognize these feelings as warning signs, but she coaches readers in how to handle these in a way that is healthy and easily understood. She gives the tools to her readers to recognize even subtle signs of emotional abuse, and to confront this in such a way that if the victim is not dealing with a psychopath/sociopath, the relationship can be improved markedly. She also points out that there are some gaslighters that are so invested in being right that there is no hope for the relationship, and the only hope for the victim to be happy is to let go of that toxic relationship.
The Gaslight Effect is available on Amazon.com.
Thanks Oxy for bringing our attention to this book. I agree it sounds like a must read for us shell shocked veterans.
Even now, after 2 1/2 years NC, I have flashbacks of situations that my ex manipulated to keep me fearful, helpless and confused. Near the end, the effects of the gaslighting had me so chronicly stressed that out was the only way forward. The worst part was that some of it was very subtle, all of it was relentless, and within the framework of him bringing me flowers and professing his undying love and committment.
It is still totally shocking to me that people can be evil enough to choose to undermine, with the intent to destroy, their loving and faithful partners.
One breif example I would like to share, that I think would qualify, is this.
I had bred my dog and two days after giving birth to 10 pups she became immobile. It was a Friday nite and my vet had closed. My only option was to take her and the pups to an animal hospital in the city. But, they would only admit her with a substantial downpayment, and the total bill would be in the thousands. My ex was taking care of our US affairs while I was in Canada, and had me believing we were practically destitute.
I had no funds or credit to admit the dog. In response to my tearful phone call, he insisted he had no funds or ability to help either. Finally he said he would “borrow” from his sister, the dog was admitted and all ended well. (she had Lyme disease and was treated for it).
Two years later, during my preperation for my divorce case, I find the bank records. He had access to many tens of thousands of $$ at exactly that time. All of it was theatre, designed to make me extremely anxious and insecure. As a matter of fact, all of the $$ stress I believed we were under was manufactured for my consumption.
It is not possible for normal people to anticipate that kind of behavior, or be properly on guard for it. We are not capable of thinking like that, or imagining that someone could bother to make up all kinds of nastiness just to hurt another person.
We are not BLIND, it is their evil that they have learned to make invisible. But it is there, and it permeates EVERYTHING we do while in a relationship with a P.
Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we are free at last.
Peace to all.
Thanks, Anita! Glad you are doing well!
Well, this seems to be the only thread I can get on now, so can’t even read your posts or respond to them. So out of here for now, maybe the weather will pass and reception will be better! The only thing I hate about the boonies is NO DSL! UGH!
I am ordering this book tonight! Gaslighting is a very difficult idea for most people to understand, which is the very reason we dont know it is happening.
Looking back on my years and events that never made sense, I now see they were gaslighting, and this is a very incomplete list:
my collection of antique platters displayed in a cabinet had all fallen and smashed-some were gifts from the ex
“disappearance” of our 2yr old child, “found” by ex in the nieghbors home-the child could NOT have opened the back door
the ultimate..”staging” a series of home robberies ( the ex gave the items to someone) to frighten me
Hard to believe anyone is this calulating, deceitful and ruthless, until you have first hand experience. I would like a discussion of the effects this poison has on children. Mine are being force-fed “the unbelievable” now and it is mine warping.
Hope this book gives some advice on how to handle that..
anitasee – thank you for your post. very timely for me.
best, one step
This is a great book. I’m glad you did a review on it, OxDrover.
If you don’t understand anything else about emotional abuse, know what gaslighting is.
Know it backwards, forwards, upside down and sideways.
Because this is how the abuser imposes their twisted reality onto us.
One of the main points the author stresses in this book is that as long as you are looking OUTSIDE of yourself for approval and understanding, you are leaving yourself open to gaslighting.
It’s very important to be centered, and know who you are and what you will tolerate in a relationship.
I gained a lot of valuable information and insights from this book.
OxDrover
Thanks so much for hilighting this book. This was the particular talent of the P I had the misfortune to attach to. in a very subtle way (psychologically and emotionally) he pulled the rug from under me, savoring every emotional humiliation and hurt that he inflicted without blinking an eye.
He would tell me that he loved me, I was the only one, he wanted to be with me, he wanted to marry me, he wanted me to be his wife and lets get married soon…..he lovebombed and seduced, flattered and
bewildered and gaslighted till the cows came home….in the background of these lies he calculated and plotted how to get my money, use me for his own goals, and take me for a mug. Dumped me and saunterd off with thousands of euro belonging to me and a car. Nice work Mr. Psychopath.
I WAS in a very healthy state of mind when I fell in love with him, so it is heartening to hear DR Stern say:
I constantly encounter women who are smart, strong, successful. Yet, I keep hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive and bewildering relationships
Yes, I like to think I am smart and successful, he reduced me to a quivering wreck and he relished harming my emotional reality which has utterly changed , I am very damaged by his actions but Thank God I am here, and No contact for nearly a year and on the road to another recovery (on top of the last one)
Rosa says:
as long as you are looking OUTSIDE of yourself for approval and understanding, you are leaving yourself open to gaslighting.
Totally makes sense to me. But falling in love is having faith in the unknown….and yes we can fall WHEN FIRST WE HAVE RUN THEM THROUGH THE MANY CHECKLISTS so that maybe we can prevent it happening again for ourselves.
Gaslighting is also a good response to someone who is ‘out for a fight’ or looking for attention….Oxy I notice YOU using the technique here on lovefraud posts sometimes…you will change the subject and talk about the tree in your garden when you don’t like the direction a certain thread is going!
It leaves me puzzled, scratching the head thinking ‘I coulda sworn we were talking about such n such wtf is this ?’ it’s Oxy gaslighting!! aaah yess.
It’s a book I’d love to read, I feel it could be the best information for reading a psychopath, catching those subtle rug pulling words before it’s too late and the pheromones take over!
Dear Bullet proof,
LOL ROTFLMAO!!!! Yea, I guess that suddely switching to “potted plants” is “gaslighting”—hadn’t thought of it that way. It’s more or less just a signal to several other regular posters that someone seems to be getting very aggressive, so I’m just going to “talk about potted plants.” This started a long time ago when some Ps came on here and were flamming others, and some of us were talking about it later and we decided we would treat them like “potted plants’—in other words, just ignore them. So that’s what that’s all about, sort of an inside joke. Sometimes I forget that not every one is in on the joke, but you picked up very well. You ARE a smart cookie!
And that’s the thing Bullet, we are ALL SMART cookies, the parasite doesn’t hang on a sick dog, it wants a healthy dog it can suck the blood of. Of course when they are done, we may BE SICK but they pick healthy successful ones to start with.
I saw a lot of great information in this book, and how the emotional parasite can manuver the victim the way they want to and the victim comes out on the bottom of the “dog pile” because everyone else around the victim will consciously or unconsciously HELP THE ABUSER, at least they will not defend the victim. This tendency for others to “help” the gaslighter is something we don’t always appreciate consciously, and being aware of it, either as a bystander or a victim is important I think. I got so much good information out of this book.
I think the more ways we can look at OURSELVES and how to defend ourselves the better off we are in the end. Abuse may be subtle, but recognizing it early while it is “small” is the best way to put the “fire” out before it burns our house down! (((hugs))))
Oxy, I think there is a difference between “potted plant” and “silent treatment” and “NC”.
Potted plant: you decide temporarily not to pay attention in order to protect yourself, but every once in a while you have to water it and hence you are interested in some interaction.
“Potted plant” in this forum is also a kind of code word for other posters to go NC with another poster.
Silent treatment: abuse. Period. Goal: destroy the soul of another who wants to interact with you, get approval from you, worst form to show despise. Hard to spot from the outside, no defense possible
NC: extreme form of potted plant: aim is to protect oneself by cutting completely all interactions with another individual.
It is the INTENT behind, they all look the same from outside.
Therefore I think the potted plant treatment is something quite dangerous, it can become silent treatment. It might become bullying. And as we all are on our way towards healing we have to be aware of the different stages and “rawness” of LF-members. Time will tell what kind of poster is around, and with overt P/N/S then NC is appropriate, in my opinion.
Having that said, I believe that we are an incredible bunch of wonderful people well aware of it! (((((BIG CYBERHUG))))
Dear Libelle,
I see your point, and NC is an extreme form of “potted plant” but actually it can be a “Plastic” plant that you don’t have to even water, so is NC to protect yourself. We don’t have Ps troll here very often but occasionally do —we all I think understand how RAW someone can be. Ignoring someone when they are crying out in pain is not appropriate and I don’t think I ever have. In fact, since I have come here I have usually been the one to welcome others after their first post. Sometimes someone gets missed but it is I think important that people be recognized as being here.
Actually NC is a form of “silent treatment” in a way. But not so much to “punish” them as to protect ourselves. Ps frequently use “silent treatment” to punish us, and you could say that our NC is no different (at least from the outside looking in) and like you pointed out the INTENT IS DIFFERENT.
I do admit, however, that NC is “punishment” to the P,from their own point of view,because it TAKES CONTROL AWAY FROM THEM over US. That upsets them very much.
When we refuse to allow them to “continue the game” of control over us, it frustrates the heck out of them, makes them feel powerless (and they really are if we don’t respond) and for a while at least they will INTENSIFY their attempts to get us to respond.
Looking back through my life I can see that my family members would punish me with “the silent treatment” if I objected to their behavior toward me. I think you have expressed the same thing with some of your own family members as well in the past.
BTW how is your new living situation working out? Are you settled in yet? Hope all is well! (((hugs))))
Dear Oxy, just a long article vanished in Cyberspace.
I just wanted to point out that there might be a fine thin line between the different “non-communications” and that they are based on the intention. The “potted plant” can be percieved by the unprepared LF-newby as the odd “silent treatment” they got elsewhere.
I do not go NC to punish someone, but to protect myself, as you pointed out very well. My brother got NC/does the silent treatment with me to punish me by not having me see my nieces (whom I love a lot and he knows it) because I objected how he treated mother to press money out from her to finance his last extravaganzas.
Besides that I only have recieved the silent treatment from coworkers.
My situation turned out just wonderful: I left my work end of march, moved the apartment slowly and settled in in May, and I am pretty much installed by now. I take it slowly, and want to think about what to keep and what to give away, and have all things in place properly. It is a dream come true, a very nice flat.
And in the end of April an old colleague called me, and I start working with her in August, and have a LONG holiday till then. It is a small hospital, it will be just the two of us and a very small team, and she is very much looking forward to working with me. An old high school buddy is biggest boss there, also looking forward to working with me, I have emotionally close relatives there too. The one point is that it is 40 miles one way drive.
The alternative was a part time job with also old colleagues, with an old “friend” of mine in the team with whom I silently let go of the friendship after she waved some very rude red flags years ago. The third would have been a private, money driven, but highly prestgious job, also with dubious colleagues (I have known them how they act strangely and weird in different situations). My mom of course wanted me to apply at the prestigious place and not to go to the NoName-Hospital!
I am looking forward to August! It is not prestigious at all, but good work and nice people; the pay is not so high, but my freedom of my heart is priceless.
Hope thigs are well with you too, and that the tempest did not destroy the cables (I alway wonder when I am in the US about the electricity system, the cable salad on the streetcorners) (((((HUGS back)))))