By Ox Drover
I recently read The Gaslight Effect—How to spot and survive the hidden manipulations other people use to control your life, by Dr. Robin Stern. I highly recommend this book to Lovefraud readers.
Robin Stern, Ph.D., is a therapist specializing in emotional abuse and psychological manipulation. She teaches at Hunter College, Teachers College and Columbia University, and is a leadership coach for faculty.
This well-written book is quite reader friendly. Dr. Stern starts off by defining the term “gaslighting” as being “pressured by someone else to believe the unbelievable.” She goes on to show that gaslighting is “an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that can be difficult to recognize and difficult to break free from.”
In the first chapter, Dr. Stern says:
I constantly encounter women who are smart, strong, successful. Yet, I keep hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive and bewildering relationships. Although the woman’s friends and colleagues might have seen her as empowered and capable, she had come to view herself as incompetent—a person who could trust neither her own abilities nor her own perception of the world.
”¦ In every case, a seemingly powerful woman was involved in a relationship with a lover, spouse, friend, colleague, boss or family member who caused her to question her own sense of reality and left her feeling anxious, confused and deeply depressed ”¦ (and) whose approval she kept trying to win, even as his treatment of her went from bad to worse. Finally I was able to give this painful condition a name: The Gaslight Effect, after the old movie Gaslight.
In the 1944 classic film, Ingrid Bergman marries a charismatic and mysterious man played by Charles Boyer. It is the story of a young and vulnerable singer who marries an older man who, unbeknownst to her, tries to drive her insane in order to get her inheritance. He continually tells her that she is ill and fragile. He rearranges household items and accuses her of doing so, and manipulates the level of lights, which dim for no apparent reason. Eventually the heroine starts to believe she is going insane and begins to act “crazy.” She is desperate for her husband’s approval. She is only able to finally realize she is not insane when a policeman sees the lights dim and validates her reality.
Though Dr. Stern makes clear that not all gaslighters are deliberately trying to drive their partners insane, nevertheless, they invalidate the views and realities of their partners. In trying to please them, the partners let go of themselves and their view of reality.
Dr. Stern never uses the words “psychopath” or “sociopath,” but instead refers to emotional abusers as “gaslighters” and the abused as “gaslightees.” She does make it clear that there are patterns here that most of Lovefraud readers would equate with sociopaths and psychopaths.
Dr. Stern divides types of gaslighters into three categories of emotional abusers and three stages of gaslighting. She points out the internal signals, feelings that would tell a person being gaslighted that they are indeed experiencing some form of emotional abuse and invalidation of their reality by someone they want to please.
I am one of those people who, when reading a book, am apt to highlight passages in the book for later reference. With this book, I gave up highlighting because I tended to highlight entire chapters instead of a few phrases. In my opinion this book is a must have for every Lovefraud reader. It validates the very subtle feelings we get when we know something is wrong and can’t quite put our fingers on what is wrong with a relationship.
Not only does Dr. Stern point out how to recognize these feelings as warning signs, but she coaches readers in how to handle these in a way that is healthy and easily understood. She gives the tools to her readers to recognize even subtle signs of emotional abuse, and to confront this in such a way that if the victim is not dealing with a psychopath/sociopath, the relationship can be improved markedly. She also points out that there are some gaslighters that are so invested in being right that there is no hope for the relationship, and the only hope for the victim to be happy is to let go of that toxic relationship.
The Gaslight Effect is available on Amazon.com.
WOW. What a cool judge and constable!
Where I live they are so UNHELPFUL at the court. Have to have an attorney. The people won’t talk to me, give any help. It would be considered giving advice on practicing law.
Drives me crazy. But its real.
Finally the attorney says he can do depositions and file that so I don’t need a hearing.
Well, why didn’t we do it a month ago? Its a rhetorical question.. . I think the answer to why the moon is made of blue cheese is an easier one to come by!
Well EB, sounds like you hava a celebrity in your family for sure!
Wow. What a really cool judge!
I heard good news too. Hope it’s true. I heard through the political grapevine, that the attorney I retained for suing my bosses, selling me out, got the position as city prosecutor for where I live (of all places) is seriously being looked at for his incompetence in the position. Everyone is wondering, who he sold out to get this political appointment. Gee, I know, I know (I can look in the mirror).
Peace.
Wini:
I am beginning to recognize another phase of my journey.
I have been bogged down for so many years…..that I respond differetnly to things now……some good, some not so good.
I mean in my own response, not necissarily verbal…..but neglecting things etc…..
I think I’m coming out of that…..I’m tired of procrasitnating and being stressed by things that are not necesary.
I’m tired of being tired and my dr. having no answers….
I’m tired of being couped up in my home…..
I’m sick of my office being a mess!
So…..last night I got busy…..
I decided that I need a routine….and I gotta get back to the old EB. THe girl who dealt with everything as it came up and never let anythign get beyond her.
I decided I needed to get out…..
SO…….today I made myslef get on the makeup, go run erronds, see people, talk to people and connect!
I did the court thing, I did the bank thing, the grocery store, AND the dog park with kids.
Holly is not so social and scares the hell out of me sometimes with other dogs…….if they show any aggresion she’s kicking some ass! (kinda like mamma). If a dog snaps at her, she’s got them flipped over on their stomach with the barking, growling deal…..YIKES!!!!
Anyways, the river is right next to dog park…..and dogs all ran over to it…..usually we haven’t been over to the river….BUT water is running high and we had to rescue the dogs……It was BEAUTIFUL to be by the rushing water, the sound of the river and I told kids I wanted to walk by it…..they have put in an excercise course along the river amongst the pines…..IT WAS SO COOL! I RAN, hopped creeks, jumped logs, and LOVED IT!!!!!
I said, I could do this everyday!!!! So I might just do that!!!!
THEN, as we finished up…..my gf called me to meet for a glass of wine and pizza. Did that and now I got all the kids frineds here for FRI night movie night!!!
My day was full, productive and I got out in the world!
I need to commit to crawl out of my hole!!!!!
I’ve lost my ‘patience’ with myself! HA!
EB, sounds like a great day, glad you got so much done, I have to force myself sometimes to go out and do the errands. Don’t have a river, but guess I could drive down to the beach, I hate going alone, but maybe I’ll do it anyway!!!! 🙂
For me it truely is inspiring.
Obviously so…..I RAN! Makes me think WHY I don’t do this more!!!!
I will make a point of it! Alone, with Holly, or with kids! My gf who comes over most morinings said….hey, let’s meet in the forest!
Erin B and Shabby I was stuck in a do nuthin rut for two years, but I am back to my old self, I have so many projects going at once, I have always been like that tho. But I am actually gettin alot done and going place’s alone, gettin on with life. The ordeal with the spath really sapped my energy and health big time..I thot I would never get back to my busy self again but I have. But I am not the people pleaser I used to be, if you got the money I got the time, no more mr. nice guy will do that for you…I dont want a long term relationship with anybody, dont have the time, not going to go there ever again..period.
Silver:
I think the celebrity is spath…..and the courts/police are so well aware of him now…..that they want him ‘gone’ too!
Also the blessing of living in a real small town……the judge has lived here for 25 years, raised kids here etc….
He holds town forums that i have attended…..and raised my voice about the drugs in our town…..he said he didn’t think we had much drugs here…..I said I begged to differ! I approached him after the meeting and had a little ‘chat’ with him about kids and drugs in our town and adults selling to them and penalties when they get charged etc…..
I would think this all coming to light now is a reminder to him that I was very serious…….serious enough to attend this town hall meeting.
We also have mutual friends…..who I believe have talked about our situation. My eldest and I worked for my gf at her wedding……guess who was there…..JUDGE AND WIFE. He was very impressed with my son….who’s peers were at the next table over from judge, drinking most of the champagne and smoking…..all minors. And NOT once did my son go over and co-mingle with the group. It’s not his group and he isn’t into the ruckus rousing……he served the judge and his wife and made sure they were ‘well’ taken care of. At the end of the reception, J and wife came up to me and complimented me on what a nice kid my son was and very professional.
he’s certainly never seen any of my kids in his courtroom for ANY teen issues…..
I think he is aware we are genuine, good people that just want peace…..and he also see’s spaths behaviors inside his court, and now outside his court. He’s seen him walk in as cocky as can be and act like judge and he are BFF’s. Very disrespectful to a judge and no boundaries.
I think one attorney tactic is to drag on…..to him, with spath incarcerated, he probably doesn’t feel a ‘rush’. But with each day is another delay which is another dollar out of YOUR pocket. Tell him to take the hold off and get on it!
Deposition away!!!
In the meantime, you may want to think about any potential future ‘issue’ that may arrise……and write out those questions to have them memorialized in testimony.
Like IRS issues, ANY possible future issues……get your answers now!
Wini: They ALL expose themselves at some point huh!
It’s the evolution!!!!
hens….I’m so proud of you…….you’ve come so far!!!
KUDOS DUDE…KUDOS!!!!
hens, glad to hear that you are feeling like your busy self!!!!!
Have you been cruising around in your new truck…
blasting the stereo?
Take the 3 weiner’s for a joy ride! 🙂
Oh, take them with you when you go to the ice cream store!
hey shabby Yes they love the new truck, the back window of the cab rolls down and they look out the back and bark at anybody in sight. I am sure I am the talk of the neighborhood ‘there goes that old man with the weiner dogs’ sometimes I take them to work with me, some of my clients just love them. One time I was ready to go and I couldnt find Harley, I asked the lady if she had seen him and she said yes he is asleep on my bed, I bet she paid more for her bedspread than I did for my truck, but she thinks he is so sweet, I hope he didnt pee on it..