By Ox Drover
I recently read The Gaslight Effect—How to spot and survive the hidden manipulations other people use to control your life, by Dr. Robin Stern. I highly recommend this book to Lovefraud readers.
Robin Stern, Ph.D., is a therapist specializing in emotional abuse and psychological manipulation. She teaches at Hunter College, Teachers College and Columbia University, and is a leadership coach for faculty.
This well-written book is quite reader friendly. Dr. Stern starts off by defining the term “gaslighting” as being “pressured by someone else to believe the unbelievable.” She goes on to show that gaslighting is “an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that can be difficult to recognize and difficult to break free from.”
In the first chapter, Dr. Stern says:
I constantly encounter women who are smart, strong, successful. Yet, I keep hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive and bewildering relationships. Although the woman’s friends and colleagues might have seen her as empowered and capable, she had come to view herself as incompetent—a person who could trust neither her own abilities nor her own perception of the world.
”¦ In every case, a seemingly powerful woman was involved in a relationship with a lover, spouse, friend, colleague, boss or family member who caused her to question her own sense of reality and left her feeling anxious, confused and deeply depressed ”¦ (and) whose approval she kept trying to win, even as his treatment of her went from bad to worse. Finally I was able to give this painful condition a name: The Gaslight Effect, after the old movie Gaslight.
In the 1944 classic film, Ingrid Bergman marries a charismatic and mysterious man played by Charles Boyer. It is the story of a young and vulnerable singer who marries an older man who, unbeknownst to her, tries to drive her insane in order to get her inheritance. He continually tells her that she is ill and fragile. He rearranges household items and accuses her of doing so, and manipulates the level of lights, which dim for no apparent reason. Eventually the heroine starts to believe she is going insane and begins to act “crazy.” She is desperate for her husband’s approval. She is only able to finally realize she is not insane when a policeman sees the lights dim and validates her reality.
Though Dr. Stern makes clear that not all gaslighters are deliberately trying to drive their partners insane, nevertheless, they invalidate the views and realities of their partners. In trying to please them, the partners let go of themselves and their view of reality.
Dr. Stern never uses the words “psychopath” or “sociopath,” but instead refers to emotional abusers as “gaslighters” and the abused as “gaslightees.” She does make it clear that there are patterns here that most of Lovefraud readers would equate with sociopaths and psychopaths.
Dr. Stern divides types of gaslighters into three categories of emotional abusers and three stages of gaslighting. She points out the internal signals, feelings that would tell a person being gaslighted that they are indeed experiencing some form of emotional abuse and invalidation of their reality by someone they want to please.
I am one of those people who, when reading a book, am apt to highlight passages in the book for later reference. With this book, I gave up highlighting because I tended to highlight entire chapters instead of a few phrases. In my opinion this book is a must have for every Lovefraud reader. It validates the very subtle feelings we get when we know something is wrong and can’t quite put our fingers on what is wrong with a relationship.
Not only does Dr. Stern point out how to recognize these feelings as warning signs, but she coaches readers in how to handle these in a way that is healthy and easily understood. She gives the tools to her readers to recognize even subtle signs of emotional abuse, and to confront this in such a way that if the victim is not dealing with a psychopath/sociopath, the relationship can be improved markedly. She also points out that there are some gaslighters that are so invested in being right that there is no hope for the relationship, and the only hope for the victim to be happy is to let go of that toxic relationship.
The Gaslight Effect is available on Amazon.com.
PS:
My eyes are brown not blue LOL 😀
Dear EYES, LOL
Sorry about that brown eyes, I have CRS (can’t rememeber sheet) and my short term memory is the pits as well! LOL
Yea, EMPATHY, it’s a great thing, and so is sympathy, but you know when someone is SITTING ON A TACK and then moaning about how their arse hurts, there comes a time when they have got to get up off the TACK before it is going to quit hurting. LOL I finally realized that if someone isn’t interested in HELPING THEMSELVES I’m not going to spend my time telling them that if they will get up off the tack then they won’t hurt so bad, it is obvious that they are not WANTING to do anything but pith and moan about how their arse hurts.
Also, the “tale bearers” and “gossips” of this world just carry tales and think it makes them “important’ because they know all these personal details. That kind of person doesn’t interest me. BUT I think that is what drives a lot of the “News” programs about the media folks. I could care less what the personal life or trials of the singers and actors in this world, but some people seem to find this ENDLESSLY fascinating.
So WHO cares who is sleeping with who, or what their problems are? Apparently lots of folks. But I hear them sing or watch a movie with them in it, but I don’t KNOW these people,so why should I be interested in EVERY detail of their lives? Oh, well, different strokes for different folks.
Dear Ox,
True! I am “eyes”, brown or blue it doesn’t matter lol
“Sorry about that brown eyes, I have CRS (can’t remember sheet) and my short term memory is the pits as well! LOL”
lol
Oh no worries, I actually thought it was cute! 🙂
Yes- some people want it all I guess, they want to stay in a bad space in life and not confront that space, they don’t want to end the situation but at the same time they want to pretend that nothing happens; they really, really don’t want to assume the consequences.
My friend-
She wants to stay where she is and keeps avoiding the real source of pain, of course I am not that source but then again its easier for her to blame others than it is to confront the real source.
I refuse to be a waste basket where she wants to deposit her problems and anxiety 🙂
How convenient, she vomits, she says mean things to me, she is aggressive, she releases her anxiety and then she goes back to her regular programming; that is just not fair.
Healthy people don’t do that to people who they really, really care and love but we have to remember that Ns, Ss and people in between, don’t know what real love is, they are disordered even if they appear the contrary.
Sometimes I think we are so focused on psychopaths that we realize that they may be a SMALL percent of the total population, BUT there are others people with problems just as UNSOLVEABLE and just as TOXIC. It doesn’t matter what the “term” or “word” or “diagnosis” is, if it fits under TOXIC that’s good enough to get AWAY from them and STAY away from them.
Though I have worked in mental health before retirement, I honestly don’t know what the diagnosis of my egg donor is. But because of the way she ENABLES the psychopaths in the family by covering up for them, demandingn that others not retaliate, I made up my own “diagnosis” but you won’t find it in the DSM IV or V, it is mine! “Psychopath BY PROXY” because her behavior enables the psychopaths to function and carry on with their abuse of others. THEY are never censured for their BAD BEHAVIOR it is only COVERED up by the “P-By-P” who has NO compassion for the TRUE victims, and instead continues to DEVALUE and INVALIDATE them and their injuries and pain, and to REVILE them, spear them, and hold herself up as this great “Christian Martyr”—-So TOXIC is a great word to me! It FITS what they are! POISON, and the diagnosis by DSM doesn’t matter!
Dear Ox,
Remember the song “Don’t make brown eyes blue” (?) I remember my parents loved that song hee hee, me too 😉
Very interesting, I found an old post of mine where I ask/comment about my friend’s situation with her husband, it was very enlighten to find that post!
I am now seeing in her, many of the traits that I described in him ”“back then- (PSYCHO BY PROXY?). I re-posted it here so that you and other readers can benefit from it.
From what I read, my friend now has traits like aggressiveness, passive aggressive, bitterness, she confronts a lot even when its not needed, blames others for her anxiety, she is cynic and mean (just as her husband blames her for many things), etc.
Here it is (the bog is Sex differences in antisocial behavior can teach us about sociopathy (part 1)- march, 2009):
Btw, my nick back then was Little Blue Fish lol
Thanks for reading 🙂
little blue fish says:
“Hello to all,
I have been a reader for almost 2 years and I very much appreciate all the information; I have a question, maybe you can help me figure it out:
My best friend of 20 years is married to a man (first and only boyfriend) for about 14 years (4 years of courtship and 10 or so married); I suspect he is abusive, actually he is, but I am wondering if he is borderline with being a sociopath.
During their courtship, he was impulsive, he finished high school but wasn’t motivated to go to the university, has/had not a father figure (his father abandoned his mother when he was a child and was an alcoholic), 2 of his brothers are drug addicts struggling with life (in their 40’s).
Anw, she got married and things are *ok*, however, when he gets annoyed or mad, he tends to 1.- be silent for hours even days towards my friend. 2. ”“ say nasty things to my friend like “you are fat”, “you are envious of me”, “things are your fault”, etc., he has thrown things to her on a few occasions and he almost hit her (she turned away) from far away with an object (don’t remember).
They are 50/50 with their money, he is *nice*.
He has no friends, none; maybe one who he doesn’t see/visit.
When someone is in the hospital like a friend of the couple or a relative, he doesn’t go to visit the sick because “he doesn’t like hospitals”’ when my mother died of cancer, they both went to the hospital after she died and stayed there for about an hour or so because ’he doesn’t like hospitals”, mind you I am his wife’s best friend.
I see a lot of empathy issues in this guy.
His main excuse for being tempered is that my friend’s family (her mother, sisters) are/were always trying to be in their lives (in an unhealthy way) and gossiping about them, etc (I agree); however, I don’t think this justifies his aggressiveness towards my friend because 1.- my friend is the one who is always trying or in therapy because of these problems. 2.- if he is so mad and uncomfortable about her family’s dynamic (btw, he is not an example of the perfect family when it comes to healthy families), instead of yelling to her and calling her names and damaging with silence, why doesn’t he just leave and separate until things are better? His thing is to be aggressive. 3. ”“ and to make matters worst, my friend’s actual therapist said something like:
“I am surprised that your husband is still with you because of the family problems that you have, you are lucky that he is still with you” with???
I am all for the fact that families of origin do play a big role in our marriages, and that marriages can be destroyed if we don’t have a healthy balance, HOWEVER, the fact that my friend is in therapy alone, how he treats he when a problem hits the relationship and the way that he is entitled to get away with it, makes me wonder, is this a case of domestic violence or am I seeing a socioP?
Opinions and comments are very welcome and I thank you very much!
Ps, her family *rumors* about him trying to be unfaithful to her a couple of years ago; also, when they were dating, another friend of mine told me that my friends then boyfriend-now husband, was very drunk one day and tried to seduce another of our friends, so there are 2 red flags of infidelity related to alcohol and this is why the whole thing started.”
Dear Brown eyes,
That old post IS INTERESTING—I cringe though when I read the first of my posts here or when I was DOWWWWWWN!!! Sheesh, I shouldn’t be that way, or embarassed, but I have problems dealing with that—I’ve got this internal thing that I have to be “strong”—boy does my P son play on that, or he DID, as I don’t correspond with him any more.
Back when I was FLAT down, I got a letter from him telling me to “GET UP and do things for him, I had GRIEVED ENOUGH “over my husband (burning to death in front of my eyes) P-son needede things done and it was me who had to do them NOW!!!! LOL
I still sometimes feel “guilty” when I don’t get everything done around the house/farm that I think I should do. BUT I am no longer DRIVING myself like a SLAVE to THINGS.
Now, when I feel ltired I sit down and rest….;or sit down and read if I just don’t WANT to do something right now. I’ve never DONE that in my life, WORK or RESPONSIBILITIES always came first, didn’t spend money on myself even for things I NEEDED, much less wanted. NOW I DO! Just ought myself a pair of hearing aids that cost more as the last vehicle I purchased (not a new car, but a nice one) and I don’t feel guilty about it! I’m deaf as a post in the range of human speech and I’ve needed them for years, and was just too “cheap” since I could “get along” without them.
WELL HELL! I need them and I am going to do for myself! God knows I’ve done enough for others. Son P’s been in prison 20+ years and I’ve spent $30K or moire sending him commissary money to buy better food, snacks and radios and fans, and craft shop supplies, so I figure I’m owed somethings for MYSELF—I isure wish I had back the money I wasted on HIM! LOL Oh, well, it was my TUITION IN “HOW TO SPOT A PSYCHOPATH” School. LOL
Dear Ox,
“WELL HELL! I need them and I am going to do for myself! God knows I’ve done enough for others”
YES, YOU DESERVE THAT AND MUCH MORE, I AM SURE; I am glad to hear that you bought them.
Same here- I have done many things for others too! Nothing wrong with that, its ok, (my parents were giving persons, charity, etc) so I have no problem with that, I truly believe in good intentions but now I am starting to believe in Evil, it does exist! The dark side of life does exist!
.”Son P’s been in prison 20+ years and I’ve spent $30K or moire sending him commissary money to buy better food, snacks and radios and fans, and craft shop supplies, so I figure I’m owed somethings for MYSELF—I isure wish I had back the money I wasted on HIM! LOL Oh, well, it was my TUITION IN “HOW TO SPOT A PSYCHOPATH” School. LOL ”
LOl
Funny but so true, you (as many others here) have learned a lot from these experiences, LoveFraud is a gift, really, I am not exaggerating, it shows us that a happy, clam and joyful life exists, mind you, outside the world of Ns and Ss lol, and that’s the life that we need to look after 🙂
Dear Brown eyes (or is it brown fish with blue eyes? LOL)
Yep, I’d be a rich woman today if I had back every dollar I have given to psychopaths or spent on them! LOL but it is TUITION and I FINALLY PASSED THE FREAKING CLASS!!!
That is the main thing, really, is to pass the class. Learn to take care of ourselves as well as be generous with others who actually can’t help themselves. But for those folks who CAN and SHOULD help themselves, not one moment, not one cent, they can do for themselves. Me doing without something I NEED in order to give to someone who is too lazy to help themselves take care of their own responsibilities, NOT MY JOB!!!!
“Dear Brown eyes (or is it brown fish with blue eyes? LOL)”
LOLLL!!!!!!
Yeah, I am a brown fish with blue yes, sure! Why not! hee
My friend called 🙁 –
My friend called yesterday and I did not pick up the ph, she called again today and I answered; she asked me how I was but as always, the conversation *tunes into* her stuff, her kid, her life, etc. It’s like she only asks “how are you” to fill a protocol, not to really know what’s going on with my life.
Anw, I told her that I am not going to her birthday because I don’t want to put myself in a situation where she is drinking (when she drinks she gets aggressive) and that maybe she would say nasty things to me again and be aggressive, that on MY birthday she called me when she was drunk and told me nasty things, and I don’t want to go through that ever; she replied with something like:
“We talked about that already and told you that I am sorry, you are FUCKED UP we went through this already, you want everything to be perfect, I told you already that I was going to do my best to not do anything like that to you again”
At this point she was aggressive, cynic, and her voice tone went up (again, abuse).
I told her that yes, that even if she said that she was sorry, she also told me 2 times that if I wanted to continue the friendship, fine with her, that if not, fine with her; that on one side she was *sorry* and on the other side she said that she was fine with or without my friendship, and that again today, she was being aggressive because I am not going to the party where she will get drunk, and on top of all that, she tells me that I am fucked up.
I told her that I am not responsible for whatever is happening in her life, and that as much as I understand that we are not perfect, she has NO right to treat me like that, to yell at me and worst to tell me that I am fucked up, I have never, EVER treated her (or anyone) like that.
That said, technically, she went on with her shit but I just turned off my phone, I wasn’t going to continue with this, it was more than obvious that she did it again to me: the aggressiveness, telling me that I am wrong because I don’t want to put myself in a space where I might be treated badly again because of alcohol, actually this time it escalated because she told me that I am “fucked up”, that hurt.
Oh and she also told me that I wanted her to feel bad and that there is “no way that I am going make her feel bad”
?
No remorse, no guilt, nothing, she just doesn’t see it.
Thank God that I turned off my ph and ended it right there, I think, or I hope she doesn’t call me again. Nothing has changed and nothing will change.
Its actually worst.
She is doing harm to people and she just doesn’t see it, for her everything is 50/50 and every dispute has a 50/50 responsibility, it’s never *her*.
Its funny how she asks for forgiveness but she doesn’t accept that I don’t want to risk myself to be near her when drunk, she doesn’t see that its not right what she does (she has had other incidents with other people when she gets drunk), on the contrary, she blames me telling me that I am fucked up.
Anw, sorry for the long post, thanks for listening! I am a bit sad but relieved that she is not calling; when I don’t hear about her, its when I am happiest the most and this is scary because its something new for me, I feel better, like I am free, I actually have more energy.
Thank you! 🙂
Dear Brown eyes,
Forgiveness does not mean that you IMMEDIATELY TRUST someone who has hurt you. That trust that was betrayed must be EARNED again by not repeating the bad behavior5.
I agree with you she “said sorry” and thinks that’s enough, well, “saying sorry” but not changing your behavior, not showing genuine remorse by your behavior, not acknowledging that you have hurt the other person unjustly, those are NOT part of a sincere apology.
I agree with you, you are probably much better off with this person out of your life and you set an appropriate boundry, and you told her HONESTLY why you would not be at her birthday party where she will be drinking. People who become aggressive and nasty when they are drinking, are showing their true side I think, because alcohol lowers your inhibitions and you can see the “real them.”
As far as every quarrel being 50/50—nah, that is NOT true! That’s just her way of projecting blame on to others for her own bad behavior.
She doesn’t respect you (calling you nasty names) so what do you need this woman for? So she can get drunk and call you more names? I think you set a good reasonable boundary!!!!