By Ox Drover
I recently read The Gaslight Effect—How to spot and survive the hidden manipulations other people use to control your life, by Dr. Robin Stern. I highly recommend this book to Lovefraud readers.
Robin Stern, Ph.D., is a therapist specializing in emotional abuse and psychological manipulation. She teaches at Hunter College, Teachers College and Columbia University, and is a leadership coach for faculty.
This well-written book is quite reader friendly. Dr. Stern starts off by defining the term “gaslighting” as being “pressured by someone else to believe the unbelievable.” She goes on to show that gaslighting is “an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that can be difficult to recognize and difficult to break free from.”
In the first chapter, Dr. Stern says:
I constantly encounter women who are smart, strong, successful. Yet, I keep hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive and bewildering relationships. Although the woman’s friends and colleagues might have seen her as empowered and capable, she had come to view herself as incompetent—a person who could trust neither her own abilities nor her own perception of the world.
”¦ In every case, a seemingly powerful woman was involved in a relationship with a lover, spouse, friend, colleague, boss or family member who caused her to question her own sense of reality and left her feeling anxious, confused and deeply depressed ”¦ (and) whose approval she kept trying to win, even as his treatment of her went from bad to worse. Finally I was able to give this painful condition a name: The Gaslight Effect, after the old movie Gaslight.
In the 1944 classic film, Ingrid Bergman marries a charismatic and mysterious man played by Charles Boyer. It is the story of a young and vulnerable singer who marries an older man who, unbeknownst to her, tries to drive her insane in order to get her inheritance. He continually tells her that she is ill and fragile. He rearranges household items and accuses her of doing so, and manipulates the level of lights, which dim for no apparent reason. Eventually the heroine starts to believe she is going insane and begins to act “crazy.” She is desperate for her husband’s approval. She is only able to finally realize she is not insane when a policeman sees the lights dim and validates her reality.
Though Dr. Stern makes clear that not all gaslighters are deliberately trying to drive their partners insane, nevertheless, they invalidate the views and realities of their partners. In trying to please them, the partners let go of themselves and their view of reality.
Dr. Stern never uses the words “psychopath” or “sociopath,” but instead refers to emotional abusers as “gaslighters” and the abused as “gaslightees.” She does make it clear that there are patterns here that most of Lovefraud readers would equate with sociopaths and psychopaths.
Dr. Stern divides types of gaslighters into three categories of emotional abusers and three stages of gaslighting. She points out the internal signals, feelings that would tell a person being gaslighted that they are indeed experiencing some form of emotional abuse and invalidation of their reality by someone they want to please.
I am one of those people who, when reading a book, am apt to highlight passages in the book for later reference. With this book, I gave up highlighting because I tended to highlight entire chapters instead of a few phrases. In my opinion this book is a must have for every Lovefraud reader. It validates the very subtle feelings we get when we know something is wrong and can’t quite put our fingers on what is wrong with a relationship.
Not only does Dr. Stern point out how to recognize these feelings as warning signs, but she coaches readers in how to handle these in a way that is healthy and easily understood. She gives the tools to her readers to recognize even subtle signs of emotional abuse, and to confront this in such a way that if the victim is not dealing with a psychopath/sociopath, the relationship can be improved markedly. She also points out that there are some gaslighters that are so invested in being right that there is no hope for the relationship, and the only hope for the victim to be happy is to let go of that toxic relationship.
The Gaslight Effect is available on Amazon.com.
Thanks Ox – I really feel like I got out of a bit of a funk today:)xxxx
Oxy- I want to say this too thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. You’ve been trying to tell me something for bloody ages and I was putting my fingers in my ears….or un-picking itx “I always felt that if another woman COULD take my husband away from me, SHE WAS WELCOME TO HIM. Or if someone could take my “friend” away from me4, they weren’t my friend to start with.”
Blue:
I’m glad your keeping everything you write. It is SOOOOO helpful to revisit and go ‘back’ to those moments in time….the emotional moments…..and review.
Good for you!
It’s also painful……BUT….it can be a good gauge to the process.
One step forward…..2 steps back…..
You know the gig!!!
I have found the best healing occurs when we step away from the fires.
Eliminate the thoguhts in our mind for a minute and step away…….it clears our mind of the rifraf and confusion and we can see and remember thoughts more clearly.
It occurs naturally…..when we ‘step away’.
I know I have been dealing with spath…..but my parents are another story……I have to compartementalize and deal with them later…..the emotional shiat.
So….prioritize and then deal with each one separately……
it is easier to see the trees for the forest thisway.
XXOO to you darlen!
EB
Dear Blueskies,
I’m glad you finally got it sweetie, and that is the thing I ALSO had to get about my son C. He kept “betraying” me and I kept blaming it on him being INFLUENCED BY THE PSYCHOPATHS, his brother, his wife, etc.—-THEY COULD NOT HAVE TURNED HIM AGAINST ME IF HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE TURNED AGAINST ME.
It isn’t just “lovers” who are “stolen” by psychopaths, it is children, etc. friends, and on and on, but if those individuals really LOVE YOU they will not be turned away from you (we’re talking ADULTS here not kids)
When son C LIED to me at the first of this year, I was heart broken, but I also realize NOW that HE CHOSE TO LIE TO ME, because that’s what he does. HE LIES. No one MAKES HIM LIE, he chose to lie. When he wants to viiolate a moral principle and then does it, he has to find an “excuse” by projecting some EVIL action on the victim to make himself feel better. He isn’t a psychpath, juist someone who isn’t trust worthy. So what do I need another UNTRUSTWORTHY person in my life for? Even if I did give birth to nim?
Sure it hurt to realize that person is not trustworthy, when you thought they were, but no one can STEAL something that really is yours. If he will lie about you, cheat on you, lie to you, then you haven’t lost a thing of value, and they sure as heck have not gotten a thing of value!
Blue/OXY:
“It isn’t just “lovers” who are “stolen” by psychopaths, it is children, etc. friends, and on and on, but if those individuals really LOVE YOU they will not be turned away from you (we’re talking ADULTS here not kids) ”
This is one thing I have in the back of my mind about the kids as they get older……
they were bamboozled by spath and taken for 3.5 months…..under the preface I had ‘faked’ cancer and was mentally Ill. Okay….yes, they were children…….but they KNEW how sick I was, had been to the dr.’s and visited me in hospital hooked up to all kinds of scarey machines…..one said I looked like I was dead I was so weak….they held my hair when I was puking, they stayed with me and helped me to the floor so I could crawl to bathroom, they saw how green my skin was, how much weight I lost and played with my skin joking I looked like a wet noodle with wobbles……there was NO question how sick I was……
BUT…..the spath was able to con them, nonetheless……
So….now everyone knows the truth…..and it fed the anger towards spath father in so many ways……amongst other things…..
BUT…in the back of my mind….I know they can be conned (even against their own logic and common sense)…..so….will they do this again?
Will they allow their minds to deny truth and if spath ever shows back up (face to face)….will they ALLOW themselves to be conned?
Will they betray me…….will they play both sides of the ‘fence’…..
If spath shows up with cars for them….(I can’t afford) will they ‘dance’ for him….can he buy them? How tight is their character?
Will they throw me under the bus to get financial things from spath?
Can my children be purchased?
I hope to god NOT! But….since he was able to do it once…..I have no confidence he can’t do it again…..
The spath has been trying to contact eldest….now he’s 18. We live tight finincially……and NO is a word he often hears. there is SO MUCH I can’t buy (NOT that I need to he’s 18)….but I’ve always thought he would be ‘vulnerable’ to the spath on this level.
I know spath……and in order to buy something for Jr……there will be something to exchange…..and it would be any vulnerability of mom.
these are choices the kids have to make…..and it all boils down to how much respect and loyalty or love they have for the woman who fought like hell to keep them safe. The woman they come to in the night when they are scared, the woman they come to when they are hurt, the woman they come to when they need help. The woman they call mom, the woman who loves them dearly.
I guess I’m affraid of the crush that would bring on me.
As strong as I am……this is a weakpoint in my mind.
I am not in control of this! I must remind myself.
We all must remind ourselves of this.
XXOO to all!!!
Erin. I dont know what to say in response to your post right now. (forgive me)xxxx ..cept you’re ACE!!!! bridges…crossing… when you come to them…talk to Ox…talk to people (maybe something like that?:)x I’m rubbish arent I? but i think LF is wondeful and so are you:) have to get off here now THANKS!!!x
Dear EB,
I know what you mean, but look at it this way.
1) we are all human –humans make good and bad choices
2) there is temptation in this world
3) we have control (here again, speaking of ADULTS not just 18 year olds) over our own behavior and choices.
4) we are responsible for the consequences of our choices
Back when your kids were kidnapped, they were KID-NAPPED and probably had some form of “Stockholm syndrome” AND they were KIDS. AND he was the ADULT authority figure who warped REALITY. I would expect that.
However, if he can BUY them back NOW with “stuff” (again depending on the MATURITY LEVEL) of the kid/adult that would be a horse of a different color.
My son C (the one who lied to me at the first of the year) has betrayed me IN FAVOR OF THE P-son, his P-wife, and other Ps and his grandmother on MANY OCCASIONS. Each time, I “blamed” it on the other person SEDUCING HIM rather than him BEING A WILLING VICTIM. Sort of like lets say my Husband had MULTIPLE AFFAIRS and each time I BLAMED THE WOMEN INVOLVED ‘He would be faithfrul to me if these women would just quit hitting on him, poor dear” VOMIT!!!!
My son C has the MORAL BACK BONE of a jelly fish and it hurts but I can face the fact (Now, finally) that he has no concern for my feelings and no respect for me. His P-X-wife wasn’t the one keeping him away from our family, he didn’t want to be here or he would have been. He says one thing and does another. I NEED THIS PERSON IN MY LIFE, WHY??????
My son C is 40 years old—he is as mature as he is gonna get. Your kid just turned 18 and I think is probably VERY IMMATURE. (BTW how did the car purchase over the internet go?) He does not appear to be operating on judgment, but on emotions and his impulse control isn’t really great—-that doesn’t mean he won’t get MORE MATURE and that he won’t grow up. I sure hope he does.
In the event that your X were to “tempt” your 18 yr old and the kid fell for it, I would most likely GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE down the line, IF he CAME BACK LATER AND SAID “Mom, I was such a fracking fool to believe dad and treat you the way I did, I am so sorry and I hope you will let me earn your trust again.” Yep, I’d give him another chance, but it would be ONE chance to SHOW ME that he was sincere, and he would have to EARN the trust. But while he was associating with his sperm donor, I would not have “relationship” contact with him. In other words I wouldn’t scream at him as he went out the door “don’t you ever come back.” but just a DISTANT relationship, very formal politeness.
IN the meantime, EB, don’t live in FEAR, if you love something set it free, and if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn’t it never was. Same with our kids, our lovers, our friends. If they desert us we didn’t lose anything except the ILLUSION that we did. ((((((Hugs)))))) and God bless, GF!
Ya know blue…..there really ISN”T anything to say…..
no one but the kids are in control of how they handle this potential situation.
Just like WE are in control of our responses….
It’s been in the ‘back’ of my mind since they were kidnapped.
I know they were conned……but it’s just hard for me to understand ‘how’ they could have bought into what he said.
(on the flip side….I bought into what he said for 28 years too)…..so I understand that part…..but it’s just ‘unfinished’ in my mind.
I knew when eldest turned 18….things would ‘heat’ up again….since day 1 of separation….I knew this….
and he is contacting the courts acting weird……But again….I have no control over this…..I can only wait and see how this all plays out.
I do think he’s planning on being in court next week. I think he thinks it’s his opportunity to ‘gain control’ of the kids. He doesn’t have to appear….but I suspect he will.
Anyways…..I can only continue to do what i’m doing, and I can’t worry or be paralyzed by what ‘may’ be.
None of us can…..
OXY:
Yes he’s very immature!!! He’s like a 14 year old at times….and a 50 year old on other issues.
The ‘age’ gap needs to meet at some point! 🙂
The car purchase is ‘on the back burner’…..Trust was signed and the check should arrive this week….YIKES!!! I’m sure when he see’s the check it’ll trigger the internet chaos all over again….hurry, hurry….I NEED a car!
I think he ‘got it’ with the scams on the web….and his nievity.
He had another nieve situation come up the next day….and I looked at him and said…..REALLY? Did you fall for that…..he said….I know….I see what your saying….
I also, over and over expressed that I DIDN”T want to see anyone get conned…..let alone him. I reiterated ‘we’ are on the same team….and even know he’s 18 and legally an adult….he still needs guidance.
I pulled on the adult male mentors in his life for back up…..and bring up same/similar topics (outside of me).
Funny enough….yesterday he FAILED his permit test! He had his permit and let it expire…and had to retake…..and He FAILED…..ofcourse….it was the test’s fault….info NOT in the study book!
YIKES….
I kindly told him….rather than being embarrased and not looking at the ‘why’ he failed….if he wants to pass it the next time….he needs to look at the reality and maybe STUDY next time.
So…..for now….no money, no licence…..i”M SAFE!!!
I could see spath bringing his car to him…..(now that I’ve cancelled the registration and all!). 🙂
But….he’s also so selfish and greedy….maybe not.
It’ll be interesting to see what plays out IF spath shows up next week in court.
We posted over each other…..I think we are on the ‘same page’…..not much we can do……and your so right…..WE ALL MAKE OUR OWN CHOICES…..them, us,kids….everyone of us!!!
Thanks for the shoulder…….your a good girl to ‘lean’ on.
Just as I got up to go the signal increased—I swear there is someone out there freaking with my head!
Yea, You know I think we ARE on the same page on this EB, I think we have both finally realized it is up to our kids which choice they make, AND the consequences. Realizing that 2 of my 3 are NOT what I wish they were is pretty depressing really, but at the same time, I realize that it isn’t “My fault” and I also realize that there is no way I can FIX it either. They are what they are. They do what they choose to do.
The consequences are THEIRS. I don’t like it that my kids are having difficulties in life that are totally PREVENTABLE by better choices, or that I don’t need a crystal ball to realize that down the line they are going to have even WORSE consequences than they have now.
It’s odd too (to me) the way I FEEL about all this. I am NOT all “upset” and “worrying” about those consequences like I would have been in the past.
It is like I have given up anxiety or worrying “for Lent” and it felt so good I decided to quit entirely! LOL ROTFLMAO
Feeling anxiety free or worry free is AWESOME. It is out of my hands, therefore why should I worry or feel anxious?
NEW CONCEPT I think I need to ruminate over this oone.