By Ox Drover
I recently read The Gaslight Effect—How to spot and survive the hidden manipulations other people use to control your life, by Dr. Robin Stern. I highly recommend this book to Lovefraud readers.
Robin Stern, Ph.D., is a therapist specializing in emotional abuse and psychological manipulation. She teaches at Hunter College, Teachers College and Columbia University, and is a leadership coach for faculty.
This well-written book is quite reader friendly. Dr. Stern starts off by defining the term “gaslighting” as being “pressured by someone else to believe the unbelievable.” She goes on to show that gaslighting is “an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that can be difficult to recognize and difficult to break free from.”
In the first chapter, Dr. Stern says:
I constantly encounter women who are smart, strong, successful. Yet, I keep hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive and bewildering relationships. Although the woman’s friends and colleagues might have seen her as empowered and capable, she had come to view herself as incompetent—a person who could trust neither her own abilities nor her own perception of the world.
”¦ In every case, a seemingly powerful woman was involved in a relationship with a lover, spouse, friend, colleague, boss or family member who caused her to question her own sense of reality and left her feeling anxious, confused and deeply depressed ”¦ (and) whose approval she kept trying to win, even as his treatment of her went from bad to worse. Finally I was able to give this painful condition a name: The Gaslight Effect, after the old movie Gaslight.
In the 1944 classic film, Ingrid Bergman marries a charismatic and mysterious man played by Charles Boyer. It is the story of a young and vulnerable singer who marries an older man who, unbeknownst to her, tries to drive her insane in order to get her inheritance. He continually tells her that she is ill and fragile. He rearranges household items and accuses her of doing so, and manipulates the level of lights, which dim for no apparent reason. Eventually the heroine starts to believe she is going insane and begins to act “crazy.” She is desperate for her husband’s approval. She is only able to finally realize she is not insane when a policeman sees the lights dim and validates her reality.
Though Dr. Stern makes clear that not all gaslighters are deliberately trying to drive their partners insane, nevertheless, they invalidate the views and realities of their partners. In trying to please them, the partners let go of themselves and their view of reality.
Dr. Stern never uses the words “psychopath” or “sociopath,” but instead refers to emotional abusers as “gaslighters” and the abused as “gaslightees.” She does make it clear that there are patterns here that most of Lovefraud readers would equate with sociopaths and psychopaths.
Dr. Stern divides types of gaslighters into three categories of emotional abusers and three stages of gaslighting. She points out the internal signals, feelings that would tell a person being gaslighted that they are indeed experiencing some form of emotional abuse and invalidation of their reality by someone they want to please.
I am one of those people who, when reading a book, am apt to highlight passages in the book for later reference. With this book, I gave up highlighting because I tended to highlight entire chapters instead of a few phrases. In my opinion this book is a must have for every Lovefraud reader. It validates the very subtle feelings we get when we know something is wrong and can’t quite put our fingers on what is wrong with a relationship.
Not only does Dr. Stern point out how to recognize these feelings as warning signs, but she coaches readers in how to handle these in a way that is healthy and easily understood. She gives the tools to her readers to recognize even subtle signs of emotional abuse, and to confront this in such a way that if the victim is not dealing with a psychopath/sociopath, the relationship can be improved markedly. She also points out that there are some gaslighters that are so invested in being right that there is no hope for the relationship, and the only hope for the victim to be happy is to let go of that toxic relationship.
The Gaslight Effect is available on Amazon.com.
I ordered this book just now. I did read a few pages in it and found help already! It helped me understand what my male friend does to me. I really like/appreciate this friend, yet I feel badly and depressed many times after being around him [also feel he’s sabotaging me]. Sure enough, it explained it: he’s a “Good Guy Gaslighter”! Nailed it! Those actions are him to the T! Small example: After just discussing some book he had read [of which I didn’t agree with the findings and opinions] he drug me into Barnes and Noble to find the book and PROVE to me it’s true and passively FORCE me to agree with him. I didn’t though. 😛 Even my PX’s said I might agree verbally, but NOBODY could really change my mind when I believed or disbelieved something. I do think this is what saved me from being totally destroyed in these toxic relationships and why my cruel, gaslighting brother couldn’t totally destroy me either. I will admit, they came close. But, here I am, by the grace of God, able to live, be happy and still have my sense of ME!
Good for you, TB!! Hi, Im back home after 3 weeks in Scotland. I had a great trip, and hopefully, it also served to help me lay some old ghosts to rest.
Last night, I had what I think was a “warning” dream re my older daughter,{46 on 6th July}. In the dream she was all over me, being extra nice, trying to con me into giving her money to study hairdressing, and get some paper qualifications. I think this was misplaced guilt at me paying for my new “adopted’ daughters first terms hairdressing fees.
In the dream, I agreed to pay my daughters fees.
Aso, in the dream, she admired a huge bunch of bright yellow chrysanths. Id been given. Gave her most of them, but kept a few back for myself. yellow is the Bhuddhist colour of the mind.
I think this dream was a red alert warning that if she contacted me again, even after all the abuse shes put me thru, and zero apologies, Id weaken and give her everything she wants. So, I still need to be on my guard re her.I obviously still feel love for her, though its not reciprocated,Id only be used and dumped yet again.
Its great to be back, I love you guys!!
Mama gem.XXXX
This hits a nerve. I’ve encountered “gaslighting” exclusively in men who try to manipulate me as a woman.
E-mail seems tailor-made for the experience. For instance, he can manipulation the discussion so that you forget the question you were asking. Instead, you get accused of accusing him of something, or saying something you never said. Always talking past each other, and it’s always your fault!
But certainly, many women have memories of physically present attempts to manipulate them for sex when they were young. As in, “You led me on, you little tramp.” It’s amazing how many men can be temporary S/Ps when their hormones are talking.
There are also attempts to make you appear insane because of something you brought to his attention (as opposed to his figuring it out himself, genius that he is). “I’ve got 25 years in the business, and I’ll tell ya, sweetheart, that’s not proof of anything,” etc.
Or — my personal favorite — “Don’t be such a ball-breaker; I’m a macho man who only likes little bunnies, and I’ll leave you for a sweeter, younger one.” But any man who uses his masculinity as a power trip should be left in the dust.
I actually saw a controlling ex on the street last weekend, and I walked right by him. But he was so good at “gaslighting” when we knew each other, that I walked right back — convinced I was crazy not to say hello. Thankfully, he wasn’t there when I swung back. Lesson learned: What the heck was I doing even in his neighborhood?
His lingering effects are that strong. He really wanted to “help” me not “make such an ass of myself” in front of his friends, he had said. It was “as a friend” that he warned me. Didn’t I want him to be such a good friend? Wouldn’t I have done the same for him? Was I really that “defensive”?
I’m crazy for showing up for that. Not for discounting it.
After reading an article on gaslighting, I bought this book. It explained my mother. The past unraveled so fast as I connected with one memory after another. She seriously gaslighted me from day one. I saw how I attracted gaslighters to me-it was all I knew- without being aware of it. This book changed my life.
Peace-
Redheeler
Dear all,
I have been reading Love Fraud for about 3 years now and it has been of great help!!
I have a question and maybe you can comment/advice on my situation, I will appreciate it very much:
It’s related to my best friend of 24 years-
We have been friends since we were teens and is (or was) a great person, however, during the last year or so, she has been through some conflicts with her husband (he is a N. Abusive, control, etc); and I suspect she has become either a N or at least, someone who is into gas lighting. I think that she has become like him in order to cope with the misery and anxiety that this man does.
Let me tell you that I have done absolutely nothing to her and have always been there for her; I used to lend her money (she paid back btw), listen to hours to her problems, visited her (she never comes to my house because of her busy schedule).
About a year ago I confronted her and told her that I was getting very anxious because she was calling me almost every day asking for advice and support and to keep me informed about her husband’s latest abuse (verbal, that is).
The conversation went fine, she had NO IDEA of how I was feeling, basically she would call to vomit and that was it. I referred her to a psychologist who, I suspect, knows nothing about N and S because she kept seeing my friend even without the husband. And not only did the psychologist continued therapy without the husband (the husband, as all N/P, refused to go to therapy), but she told my friend that her husband’s problem was that her family was *putting their nose in their marriage*.
My friend left her family, she doesn’t visit them (maybe once every 2 months), etc And from what I know, her husband has not changed, what I mean is that the psychologist has no idea of what a personality disorder is.
Also, take in mind that my friend left therapy without the psychologist ending it, this is typical of patients who don’t want to continue with reality, imo.
So, then a few months ago, just ONE day before my birthday, my friend calls me and she was drinking, out of the blue she told me that I want everything to be perfect (because I broke an engagement and told her that I wasn’t going to keep up with abusive behaviors from my Ex); this reminded her of her abusive spouse I suspect and it moved her territory.
Anw, she told me a lot of hurtful things, that I want to be perfect and that I expect everyone to be perfect, she told me that I have a way of conducing myself that doesn’t permit errors (just because I have a stable life, I don’t get into trouble, have my career, etc), etc
Basically, she confronted most if not all of my good traits, but she also cried and told me that she was telling me because she *cares for me*. Yeah, especially on my birthday and when I have done nothing wrong.
She ended the conversation telling me that she admires me, that I am a good role model, etc. she left me very anxious = gas lighting.
She told me that she doesn’t give a shit! But then told me nice stuff!
A few months after that, I told her that she wasn’t right and that I have not done anything wrong to hurt her and that all that she said to me that night, had nothing to do with me but with her personal problems and what she is going through.
She asked me to forgive her BUT, again, she told me “I am sorry but if you don’t want to continue the friendship, it’s ok”
Again, she didn’t really acknowledge how much she hurts when she confronts, mind you that when she drinks she gets aggressive, she once threw something to someone when she was very drunk.
As to this date, she is full of guilt but she is the same person, we chat occasionally but nothing has changed and has gotten worst, for one, I don’t listen to her problems anymore and she didn’t continue therapy, second, she continues with an hostile and aggressive vibe, this is actually why we don’t talk much anymore because I just change the subject and pretend that I am busy; we have no bond now.
Next week its going to be her birthday and I am not going, I used some excuse and she is fine with it, I didn’t tell her the truth, that I don’t want to be around her, that she is toxic, I don’t think that she will understand, she has been so mean, its so sad but she makes me very ill.
Everyone is going to be there at the party and she sure is the life of the party and I feel bad and alone because I am not going but I made my decision and it doesn’t feel that bad.
My concern now is, how should I handle her? I would really, really want to end the toxic environment and I am afraid that I will only get to a safer place of tranquility if I cut her forever but I am afraid, I don’t know if I should confront her big time and ask her to end our friendship or, just don’t pick up the phone anymore = N/C
I know this is a long story and I appreciate it very much that you are reading it, thank you for your time and any opinions/advice is welcome.
Thanks!!
Brown Eyes
Brown Eyes, as you know from reading this site, TOXIC PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE. They don’t even know they are toxic. My advise, if you care to take it … is to make sure your answering machine is on and you can screen your calls. When and if she calls, just don’t answer your phone and don’t call her back. She obviously doesn’t take time to come over to your house … and you’ve ignored the confrontation and resolved your problem with her.
Peace.
Wow! I never even considered my mother was gaslighting us…although I knew reality was extremely fluid around her. Have to think about this new revelation.
My X was definitely trying to convince me I was insane. It was working nicely too, except he went too far. I had already told him that in another relationship the man had tried to gaslight me by supposedly quoting me, and it hadn’t worked. I know I wouldn’t even THINK the things he tried to convince me I said. But I guess drugs had addled X pretty far by then. He was much more subtle, and almost got me, but he tried to tell me he was quoting me word for word. I thought about it for a few days, it really bothered me as it concerned his mother who I adored. I questioned him about it again, and this time really listened to what and how he said it. No WAY! I recognize speech patterns and that was the way HE thought and spoke, not me! Numbly I added it to all the other things I didn’t understand, the appliances that suddenly quit working, although he swore to others they were fine, how the items I cared about always seemed to get ruined and a few more sinister things. I started insisting he see a doctor, because while I was very ill, I was darn sure he was not acting normally. Luckily, this and the fact my web friends were on to him made him run, and he ran…blaming me for all of it of course.
I’m still trying to sort things out three years later. Still finding out things he lied about. Having those “Aha!” moments when a bit of the puzzle pops out of my subconcious. I think I better check this book out!
Dear Romantic,
My egg donor would say X and I would say to her “but you said X” and she would then say, “Oh, no I did not say X, I said I had INTENTIONS OF X, but I didn’t say I would DO X” (or not as the case might be) I would think, then, “maybe I did misunderstand her, my memory is not good” OR I would think, “she would never lie to me, maybe SHE has no memory of saying X” But either way, I was not SURE if she actually said X.
She used to do that to me all the time to the point that becau8se I did know I had CRS from the PTSD that I doubted what WAS REAL in my observations.
She would also say to me, “YOU said X” and I would say, “No, egg donor I said Y” and she would CRY and say “No, you are LYING you did say X” I would cry and try to get her to “believe me” and she would go on calling me a liar.
OR EVEN WORSE, ,sher would tell me “YOU THOUGHT X” and I would say “Egg dononr, that is not true, I did NOT think X” and she would say “You are a liar, you did too.”
HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO SURE OF WHAT YOU ARE THINKING? The THOUGHT POLICE? How do you combat peopl4e who saya they can READ YOUR MIND? Sheet that ius like STALIN’s Russian government, prosecuting you for what you MIGHT THINK OR DO. She never seemed to grasp that she was not a MIND READER.
THAT IS GASLIGHTING TO ITS BEST!!@.......!!!
My first mistake is believing that she COULD NOT, WOULD NOT ***LIE**** in the face of evidence she WAS LYING.
From now on, I will TRUST MY OWN instincts and REALITY. ot assume I am “mistaken” or “forgetful”
Dear Browneyes,
Your friend is playing a “game” of WOW, AIN’T IT AWFUL!” with you. The game goes this way, she calls you up and starts telling you how BAD her husband is and how she is abused by him, and then YTOU say, “Wow, that is awful” and VALIDATE her feelings of he is mistreating her.
HOWEVER, SHE HAS NO INTENTION OF LEAVING HIM, so if you try to insist that she STOP PLAYING “Wow, ain’t it awful” and GET REAL HELP and DO somethi8ng about the abusing, which she has NO intgention of doing, then you are NOT MEETING HER NEED FOR SYMPATHY and validation.
I have had friends who chose to play this game with an abusive spouse and they will become3 very upset with you if you want them to actually HELP THEMSELVES AND QUIT PLAYING THE GAMES.
The ony thing you can do is what I did (unless you WANT to go on playing this game) is to say, “Susie, I know you and Harold are having your problems, but I really can’t get involved in them, They haven’t changed in 18 years so, why don’t we AGREE to NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS WITH HAROLD EVER AGAIN. We will just do the fun things we always have.” I think you may find that there really are very few FUN things you have done with her, and that most of the relationship has now become about you telling her how awful Harold is to her.
The friendship will not last long if you don’t want to play the game, she will find someone else to “support” her habit of “Wow, ain’t it awful.”
Dear Brown Eyes,
It sounds as if this relationship has been terribly one-sided. You have listened and advised and supported without getting anything in return. After awhile, this gets old. You could articulate one last time to your friend about the lack of balance and support from her. If she isn’t open to your feedback, she never truely was your friend.
She may be incredibly needy and not having the emotional maturity to be the kind of friend you deserve. Her actions are louder than her words, she can profess her undying devotion, but if you don’t really see it, you need to say goodby. Some people just can’t get over their selfishness (i.e. possible narcissism), and staying in this relationship will be unsatisfying for you, to say the least.
You sound like you’ve given her many chances but you don’t need to bang your head against the wall anymore if she can’t reciprocate. Some people are stuck and will never change. You deserve better, more fullfilling friendships, and don’t sell yourself short. It really sounds like she blew all of her chances. She does sound toxic. Good luck!