By Ox Drover
I recently read The Gaslight Effect—How to spot and survive the hidden manipulations other people use to control your life, by Dr. Robin Stern. I highly recommend this book to Lovefraud readers.
Robin Stern, Ph.D., is a therapist specializing in emotional abuse and psychological manipulation. She teaches at Hunter College, Teachers College and Columbia University, and is a leadership coach for faculty.
This well-written book is quite reader friendly. Dr. Stern starts off by defining the term “gaslighting” as being “pressured by someone else to believe the unbelievable.” She goes on to show that gaslighting is “an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that can be difficult to recognize and difficult to break free from.”
In the first chapter, Dr. Stern says:
I constantly encounter women who are smart, strong, successful. Yet, I keep hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive and bewildering relationships. Although the woman’s friends and colleagues might have seen her as empowered and capable, she had come to view herself as incompetent—a person who could trust neither her own abilities nor her own perception of the world.
”¦ In every case, a seemingly powerful woman was involved in a relationship with a lover, spouse, friend, colleague, boss or family member who caused her to question her own sense of reality and left her feeling anxious, confused and deeply depressed ”¦ (and) whose approval she kept trying to win, even as his treatment of her went from bad to worse. Finally I was able to give this painful condition a name: The Gaslight Effect, after the old movie Gaslight.
In the 1944 classic film, Ingrid Bergman marries a charismatic and mysterious man played by Charles Boyer. It is the story of a young and vulnerable singer who marries an older man who, unbeknownst to her, tries to drive her insane in order to get her inheritance. He continually tells her that she is ill and fragile. He rearranges household items and accuses her of doing so, and manipulates the level of lights, which dim for no apparent reason. Eventually the heroine starts to believe she is going insane and begins to act “crazy.” She is desperate for her husband’s approval. She is only able to finally realize she is not insane when a policeman sees the lights dim and validates her reality.
Though Dr. Stern makes clear that not all gaslighters are deliberately trying to drive their partners insane, nevertheless, they invalidate the views and realities of their partners. In trying to please them, the partners let go of themselves and their view of reality.
Dr. Stern never uses the words “psychopath” or “sociopath,” but instead refers to emotional abusers as “gaslighters” and the abused as “gaslightees.” She does make it clear that there are patterns here that most of Lovefraud readers would equate with sociopaths and psychopaths.
Dr. Stern divides types of gaslighters into three categories of emotional abusers and three stages of gaslighting. She points out the internal signals, feelings that would tell a person being gaslighted that they are indeed experiencing some form of emotional abuse and invalidation of their reality by someone they want to please.
I am one of those people who, when reading a book, am apt to highlight passages in the book for later reference. With this book, I gave up highlighting because I tended to highlight entire chapters instead of a few phrases. In my opinion this book is a must have for every Lovefraud reader. It validates the very subtle feelings we get when we know something is wrong and can’t quite put our fingers on what is wrong with a relationship.
Not only does Dr. Stern point out how to recognize these feelings as warning signs, but she coaches readers in how to handle these in a way that is healthy and easily understood. She gives the tools to her readers to recognize even subtle signs of emotional abuse, and to confront this in such a way that if the victim is not dealing with a psychopath/sociopath, the relationship can be improved markedly. She also points out that there are some gaslighters that are so invested in being right that there is no hope for the relationship, and the only hope for the victim to be happy is to let go of that toxic relationship.
The Gaslight Effect is available on Amazon.com.
Twice Betrayed
I know you are right on people not making a real effort to get out of these bad, toxic relationships., but….I want to make a point. I wanted out for years and had no help/support/place to go etc. I spoke to my adult kids who have homes, money, well paying jobs etc about the abuse and such. They always ignored me or spat that “if she really wants out, she will get out’ back at me w/o offering ANY help to me. Well, several times I tried to get out, only to be unable to financially sustain it totally, plus pay high attorney fees[ to try and obtain property/money/assets]. I asked my son for only $500 to retain an attorney till I could obtain some ready cash. He not only refused, he would not even answer my phone calls. This was when my X ran off with all the money/CC’s. I have 3 adult children and only one would answer the phone and finally, after two weeks, brought me some food and new locks. [and this is her father!}. I was w/o a full time job as I was freelance writing. I was interviewing but it takes time to obtain a good paying position and I needed immediate $. My other two adult kids totally deserted me and said I got what I deserved marrying him. Yet they continued to speak with him and still do to this day! So, sometimes we really do want help and we express our problems in hopes that a friend/family can/will offer some real help. As it were, my X returned and I was forced to allow him to do so, until I could work [had found a good job in the meantime] and squirrel back enough money to leave, which took me well over a year. To this day, I am freaked w/o some readily available cash on me at all times. I am so traumatized over the way my adult children abandoned me I suffer heartbreak over them.
romanticfool no more
My first mistake is believing that she COULD NOT, WOULD NOT ***LIE**** in the face of evidence she WAS LYING.
Oh OX, sister, I hear you there! I’m pretty sure there was some sort of evil pod that kicked out a whole generation or so of these egg donors. I joke that I can easily believe 6 impossible things before breakfast, I’ve had so much practice. Like so many of my jokes, it’s based on sad experience.
Twice, after my first “having to run in the night” event, I have ALWAYS hidden money for emergencies. At one time, I had my mother in law hold it for me (not the NSPs mom. Unlucky in love, but have had two wonderful mom-in-laws) X knew I kept an emergency fund and started relying on it. Since I had trouble lying to him (how ironic!) when I worked for a friend I had her hold my money. Then I could honestly say I didn’t have any.
I wonder, do all PS survivors have abandonment issues? I had them before the PS. He seemed so reliable, it was part of his charm, although nothing in his background would give me reason to think that.
Hopeforjoy
Dear Twice Betrayed,
Your ex must have had a major influence on your children. I can’t think of any reason good enough to abandon your mother when she is in need. Is it possible that they might have something wrong with them? It is so heartless. I would take in my mom in a second. If any of my children had friends that were in an abusive home and wanted out, I would take them too.
So sorry you had to go through all kinds of abuse when you were trying to escape the madness. I sincerely hope you are in a better place now. You deserve some peace.
Hopeforjoy
FYI on this book about gaslighting, I went to Barnes and Noble today to pick it up and you can only get it from their website. They wouldn’t order it and have it shipped to the store (which is what I wanted so spathy couldn’t see it). You can order it used from Barnes and Noble.com and you can get it on-line from Amazon.
Ox Drover
Dear HOpe4,
Why don’t you go down and rent a PO box either at the US PO or at one of those private box companies so you can get your mail where he can’t see it?
Hopeforjoy
Oxy,
That’s a really good idea, I had been thinking about doing that for awhile but couldn’t justify spending the extra money just to order a couple of books. I’m keeping the idea open, I may need it in the future. I know my mom would also let me ship them to her address, I have an alternate e-mail that he doesn’t know about.
geminigirl
Dear TB, They are something else, arent they, these heartless adult kids we are unfortunate to have given birth to! After I left my ex, I had very little money, and developed a very painful abcessed root canal.I rang my ex, who actually was quite supportive, and said hed pay half of the total cost of dental care. Then my teenager, [around 17 then, who was living with him, ] rang me up and abused me for asking her dad for money. “Why should Dad pay for your Dental care? Whats it got to do with him? pay it yourself!” is what she said. compassion in action,NOT!!In other words, less money left to spend on her selfish self.She was the one who, when she was visiting me in my litle flat, fell asleep on my bed. I lay down beside her, and hugged her, tears falling onto he r lovely long blonde hair. She woke up and said.”Do you mind? get off! Your wetting my hair!”Beyond belief how callous they are!Love, mama gem.XX
Wini
Geminigirl, you can thank the media for corrupting everyone. It’s all about making money for their companies/clients (not to forget their big bonuses they receive)… they care less the destruction their messages leave in their wake. Pay attention to the movies out there … the abuse and belittling of women, disrespect for parents, get a gun and be a big fish in a little pond, lie, cheat, steal … yes, that’s the American way, GREED is good (the movie Wall Street), lie, deceive your wife or husband because after all, it’s all about me, me, me … sell your children, break up the very fiber to marriages, families etc. We are bombarded with these evil messages every minute of every day of the week. Movies, magazines, books, TV, music, talk shows having bad behaviored guests and making them into ICONS.
Am I a conservative Christian today after what I endured. YES, I AM.
The only thing I can suggest is don’t give up on her. Show her what it means to be a woman, mom, loving, compassionate, caring, concerned, serious etc. I’m not ever saying to be a door mat, but show her what matters in life … and make her turn off the computer, TV, head phones for her I-pod so she can hear you. Really hear what you are all about.
Peace.
neveragain
Not sure where to put this, but this is a great article about Dexter…what is right on about his depiction… and what is simply reinforcing stereotypes about psychopaths. I like this author a lot and find his books very helpful. The article is titled: “Dexter” and the Truth About What Makes a Psychopathic Personality
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2010/06/02/dexter-psychopaths/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+psychology-philosophy/alt+(Psychology,+Philosophy+and+Real+Life)
silvermoon
Gem,
It is so hard to be a parent, harder still to be a struggling parent whose life didn’t turn out according to plan and rejection by the very ones you sacrificed for.
It is hard.
But nature will turn that same hair white one day in exchange for the callousness over it. And then what? Only then, perhaps in regretting the possesion of the blonde will she be sad. But for that, if she coveted her locks, she will regret. For we own none of our beauty.
What we keep we lose, only what we give remains our own.
Welcome back by the way!