By Ox Drover
I recently read The Gaslight Effect—How to spot and survive the hidden manipulations other people use to control your life, by Dr. Robin Stern. I highly recommend this book to Lovefraud readers.
Robin Stern, Ph.D., is a therapist specializing in emotional abuse and psychological manipulation. She teaches at Hunter College, Teachers College and Columbia University, and is a leadership coach for faculty.
This well-written book is quite reader friendly. Dr. Stern starts off by defining the term “gaslighting” as being “pressured by someone else to believe the unbelievable.” She goes on to show that gaslighting is “an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that can be difficult to recognize and difficult to break free from.”
In the first chapter, Dr. Stern says:
I constantly encounter women who are smart, strong, successful. Yet, I keep hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive and bewildering relationships. Although the woman’s friends and colleagues might have seen her as empowered and capable, she had come to view herself as incompetent—a person who could trust neither her own abilities nor her own perception of the world.
”¦ In every case, a seemingly powerful woman was involved in a relationship with a lover, spouse, friend, colleague, boss or family member who caused her to question her own sense of reality and left her feeling anxious, confused and deeply depressed ”¦ (and) whose approval she kept trying to win, even as his treatment of her went from bad to worse. Finally I was able to give this painful condition a name: The Gaslight Effect, after the old movie Gaslight.
In the 1944 classic film, Ingrid Bergman marries a charismatic and mysterious man played by Charles Boyer. It is the story of a young and vulnerable singer who marries an older man who, unbeknownst to her, tries to drive her insane in order to get her inheritance. He continually tells her that she is ill and fragile. He rearranges household items and accuses her of doing so, and manipulates the level of lights, which dim for no apparent reason. Eventually the heroine starts to believe she is going insane and begins to act “crazy.” She is desperate for her husband’s approval. She is only able to finally realize she is not insane when a policeman sees the lights dim and validates her reality.
Though Dr. Stern makes clear that not all gaslighters are deliberately trying to drive their partners insane, nevertheless, they invalidate the views and realities of their partners. In trying to please them, the partners let go of themselves and their view of reality.
Dr. Stern never uses the words “psychopath” or “sociopath,” but instead refers to emotional abusers as “gaslighters” and the abused as “gaslightees.” She does make it clear that there are patterns here that most of Lovefraud readers would equate with sociopaths and psychopaths.
Dr. Stern divides types of gaslighters into three categories of emotional abusers and three stages of gaslighting. She points out the internal signals, feelings that would tell a person being gaslighted that they are indeed experiencing some form of emotional abuse and invalidation of their reality by someone they want to please.
I am one of those people who, when reading a book, am apt to highlight passages in the book for later reference. With this book, I gave up highlighting because I tended to highlight entire chapters instead of a few phrases. In my opinion this book is a must have for every Lovefraud reader. It validates the very subtle feelings we get when we know something is wrong and can’t quite put our fingers on what is wrong with a relationship.
Not only does Dr. Stern point out how to recognize these feelings as warning signs, but she coaches readers in how to handle these in a way that is healthy and easily understood. She gives the tools to her readers to recognize even subtle signs of emotional abuse, and to confront this in such a way that if the victim is not dealing with a psychopath/sociopath, the relationship can be improved markedly. She also points out that there are some gaslighters that are so invested in being right that there is no hope for the relationship, and the only hope for the victim to be happy is to let go of that toxic relationship.
The Gaslight Effect is available on Amazon.com.
Ox Drover
Dear GettiingIt,
Dating on-line is like fishing in a SEWER, where you “fish” will determine what kind of “catch” you get! Mostly you are going to catch “bottom crawling carp”—
Doesn’t mean there is NEVER an honest guy/gal on-line, but Why take the chance? Look at that poor girl in Aruba and now her “sister” in Peru, just “out for a good time” and paid for it with their lives because they had NO IDEA what kind of guy they were with. So you can meet a psychopath anywhere but why look in the sewer?
After my husband died I dated a guy I had known from a community group for about 10 years casually, but I did get to know enough about him before I married him that I finally kicked him to the curb. If it had been an on-line or long distance relationship I wouldn’t have been able to know enough about him or his closer friends or family to find out the TRUTH before it was too late.
It isn’t that I can’t or won’t trust any more, it is just that I am no longer STONE COLD BLIND because my eyes are closed! I have opened my eyes to let the TRUTH SHINE IN! (((Hugs))))
super chic
Iwonder, hi sweetie, the biggest narcissist injury you can cause this A-hole is to go NC, he will get the message loud and clear, and won’t like it. Too bad. Friends? Pah Leeze!! He doesn’t get the pleasure of being with you anymore in any capacity. You have dumped him!!!!
GettingIt
But, OXY, where are we to find companionship?
Some don’t go to churches, don’t belong to groups, and work long hours and otherwise take care of the kids.
I know it’s a lame excuse, but my Mother for one daily reminds me of “such and Such’ who met her rich and handsome match over the net, etc. etc.
I always tell my mother to wait a minimum of three years and tell me the happy story then, lol, but in reality it does get so lonesome sometimes, when the kids are in bed and all I face are memories and questions that will never be answered to my satisfaction.
On the other hand, since I am celibate, I can go out for an innocent dinner and hope that one day I’d find someone who would not care about all my baggage.
I know, I sound lame. You are probably totally right.
silvermoon
I wonder,
The guns under the bed thing???? What’s up with that?
Body armor? Survival gear?
Um, wow.
I have heard people talk about the Marshall law thing. its a very right wing concept. I have heard people who believe it.
There must be websites and blogs about it.
I think this is someone I would not be friends with.
BACK AWAY SLOWLY comes to my mind…..
Ox Drover
Dear Silver, “back away SLOWLY?” How about RUN FAST!!!!
GettingIt, I live in the BOOONIES, and I mean in the sticks! So where do I “meet” guys? The local livestock auction is the best bet! LOL Really, it isn’t easy I know you are right about that. There is the “nice guy” part, but also the part about where you have something in common like age, interests, life style, etc etc and I know it is difficult.
I’m 63 but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like a relationshiip now as much as I did when I was 30, or 40 etc. But the ONE thing I know NOW that I didn’t maybe know then, is HAVING NO ONE IS BETTER THAN HAVING A PSYCHOPATH.
It isn’t just about having “someone” it is about SOME ONE, the right one. I am content now though to be alone, and finding myself happy by myself, so that I am not looking for someone else to make me happy or complete my life! I am COMPLETE NOW.
silvermoon
Getting it.
If you are determined to date from online sites, Matt wrote some great guidelines to use.
I think we all agree that there is a high risk factor because the online relationship is such a tool for these disordered.
Is it as likely or less likely to meet on on a popular dating site than at write a prisoner? Well, that is a research project.
And you are correct it is common practice. If you choose to do it, be careful and understand that the PTSD thing constitutes a “lot of baggage” to potential dates from the online community.
Might be worth working on that a while. …At least before rushing onto a free online site….They willbe there because they could be anywhere. its easier for them online as we learn from many here.
I don’t advocate that everyone who does it is disordered, its just that when I did it, the most charming one was. And that is a sad testimony although I could write the story and submit the wedding photos…… What an ad for the site that story would be! Wonder how long it would stay up? Especially since he still has a profile on it that claimed to be single less than 4 weeks after we were married but with an updated address!
In prison now, two wives and a history of incarceration and fraud. Who knew?? It sure as hell wasn’t in the profile!
So yeah, I side with the high risk.
Companionship?
Find a community of people with like interests to participate and belong to.
There are a gazillion ways to do that and ultimately, we all have to learn to accept a little alone time.
“Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread”
http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/phil-collins-you-cant-hurry-love-and-two-hearts/bad95a71f326cec1878fbad95a71f326cec1878f-41188917803
GettingIt
Oxy, A M E N
I do agree 100% with what you said. It will take time to heal too in order for the “right one” to enter my life. And – if it never happens, it’s much better than sleeping with an enemy.
And – it’s a great thing I got you all here when I miss some adult conversation.
GettingIt
Wow, Silver 🙂
I have not heard that one in awhile. Thank you for reminding me of this great song 🙂
GettingIt
PS, No wonder I get few “hits”. My profile basically says that I am a “Whole Person”, not anyone’s half, that I am totally independent and place family first.
It also says that I am interested in up to 5 years of friendship only
NOW I get it , LOL
ErinBrock
I got a proposition last week…..closest I’ve come to sex in 2.5 years…..HAHA!
This is a guy who I contract with for a few things….I haven’t seen him in gosh, 1.5 years….
He is cute as a button, VERY nice, chatty, personable, open ……………………………AND MARRIED!
But I can have a keep it to myself ‘crush’ huh?
Isn’t that called a fantasy?
Uh, okay……
We were chatting, catching up about kids and lives eetc…..and it was time to go….2 hours later…..he said give me a hug……Oh yeah…..Gladly…….as he’s hugging me he say’s….well…..we could have sex right here……we were at a home in front of huge couches……I said to him……yeah, that would be great…..EXCEPT YOUR MARRIED and I’m a celebate lesbian. He cracked up.
I’m not sure if he was serious……and I took the hug, becuase I don’t get them other than from my kids……so i’m affection starved…..and damn straight…..I’d do him in a minute….IF he didn’t have a wife!
But he does…….so I left it at the hug.
I think I shocked him with my celebate lesbian comment.
I called my gf and said……Hey….I’ve come the closest to sex iv’e ever come since spath left……told her the story and she congratulated me for ‘almost ‘ having sex.
We both got a good laugh out of it……..
So….getting it……there is nothing wrong with celebacy…..in fact I think it’s a very heathy choice when we are so ‘beat’ up emotionally.
It’ll come girl……
It should be a ‘rule’ to the healing process………
I didn’t set this rule…..it set itself in me!
🙂