People who have not been entangled in abusive relationships often ask, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” By reading Trading Places, by Natalie Hutchison and Mary Turner Thomson, you begin to understand.
Natalie Hutchison was reproached as a child, ignored by her first husband, then physically abused by her second husband. Finally, she decided enough was enough. Natalie escaped the abuse, went back to work, started a business, and in 2006 won the Barclays Bank Trading Places award, given to individuals who overcome tremendous personal adversity to turn their lives around.
Natalie had health problems as an adolescent, and she tells how her parents reacted to her medical issues.You see the seeds of self-doubt being planted. This is how it starts. This is how some women become primed to be victims of abuse.
Then, Natalie tells her story and how she felt—and that, I believe, is the value of this story. It clearly illustrates the thought processes and emotional hooks experienced by the victims of domestic violence.
But this is a story with a happy ending. Natalie learns to trust herself, then makes a leap of faith to start her own business and rebuild her life. She leaves the pain behind to find joy and success.
Trading Places is available now in the Lovefraud Store.
((((OXY))))) You are my angel ! xo
I’m praying for all of us, and for son C too!!!
Thanks for the prayers and support, guys, just being able to ‘tell someone” and to have them empathize is always uplifting when we are down and knowing someone prays for us is also very affirming, in ANY burden we bear, but especially when dealing with a psychopath. I would rather face cancer (or even a tooth ache) any day than a psychopath! At least you know the cancer or the tooth ache isn’t ENJOYING hurting you, and you also know it isn’t “personal” (though it feels that way!)
Also, waiting for the biopsy results is what I have always said, about things being WORSE when you are WONDERING than even KNOWING the WORST. The results should be here in a few days, though, as there is pretty good turn around time at her office. There is also a good possibility that even if the mole on C’s foot is Melanoma that just removing it and careful watching of his skin is all that will need to be “done.”
HE is the one more worried about it (and of course HE is the one directly effected) but just the worry is an increasing stress for him. The last month or so has been a covey of anniversaries for him. The anniversary and birthday of his step son’s death (same day), the anniversary of the Trojan Horse & his wife trying to kill him, the 5th annniversary of my husband’s death, then the worry about his own health. Plus he is laid off to 3 days a week from his job recently, AND the swelling in his foot has kept him off work even those 3 days this week.
The small and large events of “life,” the memories of other, earlier, events connected to the psychopaths, etc. all work together to increase the stress so that they don’t ADD UP, they MULTIPLY UP!!!!
We can’t DO anything about the events of life, the flat tires and the broken legs, etc. except endure them but as long as we are working dilligently in learning about the psychopaths and about ourselves and our reactions to them, i.e. HEALING, and avoiding FUTURE “close encounters” with them (at least emotionally close) we are more able to “work through” the “life crisis” more easily.
I remember what a huge BURDEN was sort of “lifted” off my shoulders and how I didn’t feel so burdened and beat down, when I just RECOGNIZED once and for all that my P-son was irredemable and that my egg donor wasn’t the loving mother that I had “INVENTED IN MY MIND”–just not having to keep up that internal FANTASY was so liberating. It takes ENERGY to worry, and to CARE. If you don’t CARE about them then you can LIBERATE yourself from so much in trying to keep up an internal fantasy and an external attempt to “fix” them or the situation.
I think about Betty’s pain and her loss of her degree being so painful because she CARED not only about the degree and the Psychopath. Tilly is hurting because she is AFRAID this psychopathic teacher will RUIN HER DEGREE and deprive her of something she has worked so hard for. I think if you can get your mind wrapped around BOTH the STICK and the CARROT and get to a point where you NO LONGER FEAR the STICK, and NO LONGER DESIRE SO MUCH the CARROT, and just realize that it is not in your power either way, the not CARING either way, will decrease your stress.
My FEAR was losing my home here on this farm that meant so much to me, on which I had worked so hard, and my ancestors had worked so hard, my CARROT was “a happy family” with my P-son “reformed” here on this farm—-but having to move away from here made me reaize that this piece of dirt is NOT what is really important in life, the land, the dirt itself, and even my house are simply OBJECTS and no matter how much labor I hav eput into them, expecting to enjoy them the rest of my life, I CAN MOVE ON TO SOMETHING ELSE AND STILL BE HAPPY, BE CONTENT….I CAN lose it all and still not be destitute.
Living in my little RV parked on someone else’s property was NOT the end of the world for me, and if I end up having to do that again, and never being able to come back here it won’t be the end of the world for me then either. My P-son and my egg donor no longer have a carrot big enough to make me put up with their crap, and they no longer have a stick big enough to make me despondant in far of it either…they can have their carrot or their stick (and stick them where the sun don’t shine) because I know that without their carrot I will be find, and I am NOT going to live in fear of their stick either cause even if they take away my home, or make me give it up in order to preserve life, I am NOT dependent on what they can withhold or ruin, and I am NOT dependent on what they can offer either. Where they are concerned, the “give a chit” factor is what caused the worst of the pain. Only I can control what I “give a chit” about. Where they are concerned, there is no “give a chit” about the relationshit with them.
BTW, how are you doing lately CHIC? n& TILLY How is the swelling in your jaw? You guys take care!!!! and thanks for your prayers and friendship!!! (((hugs))))
Oxy, I just read about your son. Sending lots of prayers your way for a good report back from the Dr!
Oxy:
” get your mind wrapped around BOTH the STICK and the CARROT and get to a point where you NO LONGER FEAR the STICK, and NO LONGER DESIRE SO MUCH the CARROT, and just realize that it is not in your power either way, the not CARING either way, will decrease your stress”
This is so true Oxy. When I lost my home and assets and money was charged by the p solicitor then thrown in the prison watchhouse and the nuthouse by the P solicitor and his corrupt empire, all I cared about was my 11 year old son at home on his own. Up until they did that i was desperately trying to hang on to all of the above and prove what a p a#sole that solicitor was. I cared too much about everything and lost everything but my son. If I had used my “inner” psychopath ( which I knew nothing about at the time), I would have won everything.
God did me a favour with this tooth. The antibiotics have kicked in and even though the swelling hasn’t gone down the pain has decreased a lot. So for a few weeks I can come and go as I please in the class. My fake P friend has found no use for me (as I can’t give her information as I “can’t speak” (to her), so she has dropped me like a ton o bricks and gone to her next victim like the leech she is.
My P teacher is being kept at bay by our “other teacher” (that I insisted on having). Unfortunately he has lost all his “balls” and become her lap dog ( its pathetic), but when he is in the room she is kept in check. When he has to leave to teach another class for an hour and a half, we get a tirade of how we are no good and she is so awesome. Because I have a swollen face i no longer have to make eye contact with her for this entire parade. Which is a relief. I just draw pictures of the psychopath and she doesn’t know.
However she has sensed she has lost her hold over me and last night she text (sms) me this message with a big smiley face:
“Hi mate, hope you got home safe!! Once i get my car back I think we should have a catch up out side of class and talk art xx”
Of course I agreed, ( with no intention of complying)
Her next text was:
“Kewl! I’m excited for ya Tilly..Ya gonna make some awesome stuff!”
My interpretation of this in P speak is:
“CHIT! I have just noticed that I have lost MY control over you!! I am very poor but I will set aside priveledged time for you, out side of class where I can bully and threaten you, to tell you what you will do in art to pass.”
Next:
” I have your number Tilly, you will do what i say and give me narcissistic supply so that I get all the credit for all of your work that you have done without any help from me and i will devulge any of you your new secrets or personal life to all the staff to devalue you and you will make what i say in the class as well as your own art and I will get my n supply off you in class as well as out of class or i wont pass you and i will put shit on you every time i possibly can, which, you gotta admit Tilly, is a hellofalot!”
Oxy::
Since I am on the painkillers and have a swollen head, I no longer fear the stick BUT I WANT THE CARROT ( my degree).Thats why I am moving lock stock and barrel to another city next year. But I have to put up with the Ps in this class ( and there are more than two) for three more months.
Oxy:
Your son sure has a lot on his plate. But with you there to see him through he will be fine. I am still praying for him and you. My P daughter has been busy causing havoc behind my back since I went NC. ( I love your word “relationshit” ! lol!) My parents and her have been at my youngest son, so that when he turns up here he is on the defensive and wanting me to argue with him about stuff they have put in his head. So I said to him I am much happier not to have any contact with any of them and tell them all to go sit on a carrot. But he didn’t laugh. Then I asked how my p daught was ( I know…that was dumb!) and he said ” you don’t need to know any of that!” so I thanked him and we settled back into a calmer time. I can’t wait until she has gone back overseas and my P parents die. I prayed for my p parents to die every single night when I was a child from age five. I never missed one night until I left home. Now I am 54 and they are still going strong. God had a joke on me with that one!
Should I just keep being unavailable for this meeting “outside of class” with the P ? ( I know that will bring out the worst in her) Or should I use another strategy?? I have no idea what to do with this one Oxy.
Dear Tilly,
I have an X-friend who I have realized is a border-line personality disorder, and drama-queen. She calls all the time and she also calls my sons and wants them to do things for her, and they can’t stand to be around her. Her husband though is a dear DEAR friend and very ill with heart problems etc. and we want to be around him so we ahve to have some contact with her.
Your TOOTHACHE is a great excuse—use it to the max. Like “oh, dear, I would just LOVE to spend some time out of class with you, I miss our times together, BUT, you know what horrible dental problems I have and I think I have another abscessed tooth, I am just barely able to get to class and back and do my work, it just takes all my strength, but if I felt better I would LOVE to spend time with you. I hope next week or next month or NEXT DECADE, I can find the time to visit with you.” Yea right! NOT!!!
Act down in class or in pain *(even if you aren’t) and “sick” and use that as an excuse to not interact with anyone any more than absolutely NECESSARY. Become a pitiful sick “hermit” barely able to get to class and do your work. It is only for three months, you can pull that one off since no one can SEe you don’t ahve a tooth ache.
Glad the tooth is easing up on the pain, that actually means that it is hitting the infection and you are actually getting better. Pain is a great symptom when we need it to motivate us to FIX the problem.
Thank you and everyone fo ryour prayers. Yep, actually both guys are having a fairly ahrd time lately. I have son D back on antidepressants and will set up some therapy for him as well ASAP.
Son C’s toe (second from little on left) has a dime-sized chunk taken out between them so there is swelling of entire foot (no work this week) but hope it will be better enough by next week he can go back to work on Wednesday. He couldn’t get his shoe on this morning but seems a bit less swollen tonight.
Tilly, I think with your son, the best thing is to not even discuss the Ps with him. They, OF COURSE, will bad-mouth you ALL the time (thus making him uncomfortable and him not wanting to hear it so he may start avoiding THEM) which will make them want to BAD MOUTH YOU MORE, so it may be a gift in disguise for them bad mouthing you, and may have the OPPOSITE effect they intend.
I don’t talk to my cousin about my egg donor at all.
Well, got to get up and get ready for supper, so catch you guys later or tomorrow. Love and hugs and always prayers. Oxy
Dear Oxy,
You said, “I think if you can get your mind wrapped around BOTH the STICK and the CARROT and get to a point where you NO LONGER FEAR the STICK, and NO LONGER DESIRE SO MUCH the CARROT, and just realize that it is not in your power either way, the not CARING either way, will decrease your stress.”
Thank you so much for this post!
I have been busting tush with the job search, and it’s been hard because I see so few jobs in administrative support that my BA in psych might get me in the door for — and TONS of nursing jobs open right now. If I hadn’t listened to the n/p professor and put my RN license on inactive status, I’d be working now. SO I was beating myself up over and over for being so incredible stupid…and so on.
But I don’t undo those past actions today, and I can’t make my inactive Texas license and active California one with worry! It will take time and money that I don’t have right now, and the worry will only sap my strength and prevent me from moving towards a job I can (hopefully) get.
I did fall in love with teaching. There’s nothing wrong with loving the carrot (sounds kinky, but you know what I mean)– but the carrot isn’t me! It was one really nice dream — and I overlooked a really big MEAN stick (the n/p professor and what she did to me). Not good.
I am learning to value my own inner peace above having a certain career, or having life go the way I planned, or even the dream of a happy relationship. I don’t think I have the guts to live outside in a park, but I’ve never tried. I do have the guts to face my brother now, and I didn’t think I’d get this far. I am keeping my eyes on the job search, and even getting a little snaky — when I realized how much it infuriated my brother that I’m frequently just happy for no reason, I stopped sharing that with him, on my niece’s advice. She said it just makes me more a target for his anger and insecurity. “You won’t like it, she said, “but act down for now.” I’m still spontaneously happy — I just take it outside. For now.
I don’t know what my future holds. Today I applied for a terrific job in admin at one of the local hospitals, and I found myself daydreaming about it, for a few minutes. If I got that job, I’d have enough money to take care of my needs, pay my bills, and save a little. Thinking of it, I noticed the huge weight was lifted offmy shoulders, and I felt joyful, confident and strong! Then of course I remembered I hadn’t even snagged an interview.
But I also realized: HEY! Those good feelings came from me! Just when I thought I didn’t have those things anymore (confidence or strength and certainly not joy), there they were! MINE. It was quite the moment.
Now that my carrot attraction factor (caf) has calmed down a bit, I don’t believe I’ll be so vulnerable to the stick! And I’ll keep that image in my head, thanks to you!
Please keep us posted on both your sons.
Lots of love,
Betty