(The article below is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience's sake and not meant to imply that females aren't capable of exhibiting the attitudes and behaviors discussed.) What does it mean to say that someone has sociopathic tendencies, versus full-blown sociopathy, and does the difference even matter? The simple answer is that someone with sociopathic tendencies will exhibit sociopathic behaviors and attitudes sometimes, while elsewhere he may seem to possess (and, in fact, may possess) a somewhat genuine (if limited and unreliable) capacity and desire to respect others. In contrast, the full-blown sociopath's respect for others, …
Revisiting prevailing myths about sociopaths
As I work with partners and other victims of sociopaths, I see regularly the persistence of certain myths about these destructive individuals. These myths can retard the process by which partners fully recognize the sociopath for who he is. They can protect him by supporting his “mask” or, at the very least, supporting the “rationalizations” his partners and victims sometimes use to “cut him the slack” he surely doesn't deserve. For instance, commonly I hear the position, “Well, he's not always like this. He doesn't always act like this.” This supports the notion that sociopaths are continuously flaunting their disorder. But this just isn't the case. To begin with, we know that many soc …
Help me understand: questions and observations in the aftermath
This past year, I began speaking publicly on domestic violence and psychopathy. As many of you know, I feel that I have a bit of a responsibility to educate others on the matter. As a result, from time to time, people contact me or put their friends in touch with me if they suspect I can somehow help them make sense of their experiences. Some are in the beginning phases of understanding abusive personalities and/or psychopathy, while others have no idea what has rocked their worlds. Last week, someone who was struggling to find answers asked me a series of questions. Not only were they excellent, but they were ones that we have all probably asked. "How did such an intelligent, str …
Help me understand: questions and observations in the aftermathRead More
10 things sociopaths want (besides money)
A Lovefraud reader recently asked the following question: If the sociopath is not in it for money (he pays for everything with no access to my accounts) then what are other reasons to stay in a relationship if he doesn't live with me nor do we share anything financially? Many of the posts I have read involve financial fraud. If a sociopath has targeted you, it's because you have something that he or she wants. Often it's money, but not always. Here are 10 more things that the sociopath may want: 1. Sex Sociopaths crave stimulation, and sex is highly stimulating, so they pursue it. However, sociopaths are not slaves to their physical urges. They often use sex primarily as a tool of …
Rapist demands visitation rights
A 14-year-old girl was raped by a 20-year-old man. She became pregnant and kept the child. Now that he is ordered to pay child support, he is demanding visitation. Read Rapist wants visitation rights; teen mom fighting back on MyFoxBoston.com. Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader. …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: His most lethal weapon was disarming ‘innocence’
Editor's note: The following story was sent by a Lovefraud reader whom we'll call "Beatrice." The name of the perpetrator has been changed. Its now four months since I've found out the cold, hard truth about my ex, and I really want to move on, but would also find it cathartic to share my horrific experience with as many people as possible also if I can help one other person to avoid the pain and trauma of the past two years I will not have wasted my time. Please feel free to share this with as many people as possible, the more people know about these dangerous predators, the less their power to destroy others lives will be. Four months ago on 15 May 2012 I had a phone call which …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: His most lethal weapon was disarming ‘innocence’Read More
Defining My “Grey Rock” and Recognizing The Insignificance of The Psychopath Sperm Donor
I have heard a lot of people give advice about how the best way to get rid of a psychopath is to show him/her a “grey rock” of emotions. While I understand that this means that I cannot let the psychopath see any emotion beyond that of an emotionless grey rock, putting this theory into practice has proved to be one of the hardest things to do. I still believe I will have my moments, but it took an extreme situation for me to tap into what I needed to understand in order to achieve my own version of “grey rock”. The “Extreme Situation”: Baby boy had another rough 72 hours which landed him two more hospital visits. We started out in the hospital a few days ago after he spiked another f …
Defining My “Grey Rock” and Recognizing The Insignificance of The Psychopath Sperm DonorRead More
Psychopath’s noses don’t work
A new study out of Australia finds that people high in psychopathic traits did poorly when asked to identify common odors. Read: Psychopaths have poor sense of smell, study finds, on CBSNews.com. Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader. …
What do psychopaths know about themselves?
Do psychopaths know what they are? Do they know that they are different from the rest of us? I believe the answer to both of these questions may be yes. As neuropsychiatry makes progress, science offers various thoughts and opinions on the matter. But while medicine is working hard to unlock the mind's secrets, we may be able to draw valuable discussion from our own experiences. Since psychopaths are not a particularly introspective group, I am not suggesting that they possess great insight regarding their pathology. However, I believe they do have some level of awareness. They may realize that they do not experience appropriate emotions and that they live their lives and view their …
The “Unsustainable Pseudo Co-Parenting” Phase of Custody with a Psychopath
In the past couple of weeks, I have come to realize that my Custody War with Luc (my sons sociopathic father) has entered a new phase - I'll call this phase the “unsustainable pseudo co-parenting” phase. The initial Custody Trial is over and our Family Law case has been closed. No matter how bad the judge, lawyers, and supervised exchange professional all want us to go away, none of these people are going to be able to cure Luc of his psychopathy so “going away” is not going to happen. In my post last week, I noted that my lawyer had suggested me and Luc get “Family Therapy” in order to learn how to communicate with each other. I have thought a lot about this suggestion, and its clear a …
The “Unsustainable Pseudo Co-Parenting” Phase of Custody with a PsychopathRead More