How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Gen. David Petraeus scandal displays the range of human misbehavior

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I've been incredulously half-following the media reports of the scandal involving General David Petraeus; his paramour Paula Broadwell; Jill Kelley, whose complaint about harassing emails touched off the investigation; Natalie Khawam, Kelley's twin sister who was embroiled in a nasty custody fight; General John Allen, who allegedly sent "flirtatious" emails to Kelley; and a shirtless FBI agent. This story is so convoluted that it's tough to follow all the characters and allegations. I found a really good summary on MotherJones.com, complete with updates as the story got thicker and thicker: The David Petraeus Scandal, Explained I thought there must be a lesson in this story …

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Poor Bonnie or Bonnie and Clyde? A look at the accomplice

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Where we find psychopaths, we may find accomplices.  There are no shortages of individuals who are ready and waiting to champion psychopaths' causes or support their agendas.  This happens in a variety of circumstances and for a variety of reasons.  However, if our brushes with psychopathy came by way of romantic involvement, we may have lived through the experience  of having been "replaced."  This is common because relationships with psychopaths do not endure.  This doesn't reflect on us, as we probably once thought.  Rather, it is merely a phenomenon that comes with the territory. Initially, we may have been upset or experience sadness and confusion.  However, in time, those feelings te …

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Hurricanes, warnings and not wanting to believe

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The predictions were dire. Hurricane Sandy had been stewing in the Caribbean for days. It was projected to travel up the East Coast of the United States and then make a left turn—heading directly into my home at the Jersey Shore. A year ago, my husband, Terry, and I had heard similar warnings about Hurricane Irene. Officials were predicting a direct hit and ordered everyone to evacuate the islands along the Jersey Shore. We moved as much as we could from our ground floor, which actually goes down two steps from the sidewalk. It included the queen-sized mattress from the futon in our recreation room, the television, my husband's drum set, tools and boxes and boxes of Lovefraud materials. T …

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Sowing the seed of knowledge

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Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) You know sometimes we tell others about the things that we have gone through, and hope that they see by our example what has happened to us because of our associations with psychopaths or with people who are high in dysfunctional traits common to psychopaths. Sometimes people “get it,” and sometimes they don't get it. A passage of the Bible refers to this: And he spake many things unto them in parables, saying Behold a sower went forth to sow; and when he sowed some seeds fell by the wayside, and the fowls came and devoured the …

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The sociopath’s “loyalty” deficiency

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(This article is copyrighted (c) 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW.  The use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience's sake and not to suggest that females aren't capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)  “Loyalty” and “the sociopath” are incompatible terms. We've discussed many traits of the exploitive personality, but let's not minimize a very vital one: deficient loyalty. Clearly,  deficient loyalty is a sociopathic characteristic. A deficiency of loyalty can be disguised very well by clever, self-serving rationalizations. But you will not find the case of a true sociopath about whom you will ever be able to say: he (or she) was really, through and through, truly loyal. L …

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The overdiagnosis of sociopaths

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(The following article is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience's sake and not to suggest that females aren't capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.) Let's be honest. The term “sociopath” has become so commonplace, a very good thing (reflecting the increasingly spacious public awareness of exploiters), that it sometimes seems that pretty much every jerk we confront we're tempted to call a “sociopath.” Now, there's way more “upside” to this than “downside.” And I'd say this applies to terms like “abusive” as well. And thank goodness the concept of “abuse” is now much more widely understood—it's wider public reach, al …

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People with bad behavior in the news

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By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) I recently read this article in the New York Times about Lance Armstrong. Armstrong is a world famous cyclist and well known “do-gooder” with his “Live Strong” website, which purports to tell others how to “Live Well and Live Strong.” Armstrong is a survivor of cancer. Testicular cancer is a “young man's” disease and one that I sought to teach my college-aged patients about when I worked as a director of student health. I also have a close friend who is now a middle-aged man who is also a survivor of testicular cancer. It is a horrible disease. Details of doping scheme paint Armstrong as leader It has been rumored for years that Armstrong was “doping …

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Sociopathic tendencies or full-blown sociopath?

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(The article below is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience's sake and not meant to imply that females aren't capable of exhibiting the attitudes and behaviors discussed.) What does it mean to say that someone has sociopathic tendencies, versus full-blown sociopathy, and does the difference even matter? The simple answer is that someone with sociopathic tendencies will exhibit sociopathic behaviors and attitudes sometimes, while elsewhere he may seem to possess (and, in fact, may possess) a somewhat genuine (if limited and unreliable) capacity and desire to respect others. In contrast, the full-blown sociopath's respect for others, …

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Revisiting prevailing myths about sociopaths

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 As I work with partners and other victims of sociopaths, I see regularly the persistence of certain myths about these destructive individuals. These myths can retard the process by which partners fully recognize the sociopath for who he is. They can protect him by supporting his “mask” or, at the very least, supporting the “rationalizations” his partners and victims sometimes use to “cut him the slack” he surely doesn't deserve. For instance, commonly I hear the position, “Well, he's not always like this. He doesn't always act like this.” This supports the notion that sociopaths are continuously flaunting their disorder. But this just isn't the case. To begin with, we know that many soc …

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Help me understand: questions and observations in the aftermath

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This past year, I began speaking publicly on domestic violence and psychopathy.  As many of you know, I feel that I have a bit of a responsibility to educate others on the matter.  As a result, from time to time, people contact me or put their friends in touch with me if they suspect I can somehow help them make sense of their experiences.  Some are in the beginning phases of understanding abusive personalities and/or psychopathy, while others have no idea what has rocked their worlds. Last week, someone who was struggling to find answers asked me a series of questions.  Not only were they excellent, but they were ones that we have all probably asked. "How did such an intelligent, str …

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