How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Exploiters seek partners who dread to displease them

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It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them. This is admittedly a generality, but it's a pattern I've observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her. Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or her …

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Sociopathic children and psychopathic traits during childhood

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This is a very tragic story left by one of our readers: My daughter was misdiagnosed with ADHD. Then bipolar disorder, then Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I stormed out of her psychologist office when she told me that she saw something “dark” in my child. That was when she was 7. When she was 8, her sociopathy increased and she purposely drowned my poodle. She also tried to smother my baby by my second husband. The strain of her and my carrying the baggage from my last relationship has driven he and I apart and we currently trying to file for divorce. She steals daily, has even stolen as much as $500 from my wallet. I lock things away, and she will simply pry open the lock, break the …

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The Sociopath Next Door? Probably Not

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Clearly the LoveFraud community, better than anyone, can testify to the reality of sociopaths and the damage they can inflict on others. Sociopaths exist. That is inarguable. The sociopath is someone, as we know, with a grossly deficient respect for the integrity and boundaries of others; someone who sizes others up principally as assets to be exploited for his or her own whims and needs. The sociopath is a remorseless user and taker. At the same time, I think it's worth noting that sociopathy, in general, makes for sensational copy, as a result of which estimations of its incidence in the general population are at risk, I would argue, of being dubiously, irresponsibly inflated. Martha …

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Can victims become like the psychopath?

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This week we received the following email: My daughter is married to a man I consider a psychopath. My daughter has not spoken with me for many months. She has totally changed her personality, voice, she says things she never would have said before, she attacks me to my friends. My daughter and her husband seem to have their own version of reality, truth, and morality that is not consistent with those outside her marriage or in the world. My husband doesn't want to invite them to our house for the holidays or have anything to do with them. I feel the same way, too, because of their attacks and saying things that are not true about us. I have gotten advice on this blog to try and have a …

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Philadelphia parole board must learn how to spot psychopaths

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On Sunday, I wrote about the case of Daniel Giddings, a violent criminal, recently paroled, who executed a Philadelphia cop. Yesterday, the governor of Pennsylvania, Ed Rendell, requested a "top-to-bottom" review of Philadelphia's parole process. And, the governor put a moratorium on paroles until the review is complete. John S. Goldkamp, head of Temple University's criminal justice department, got the assignment of conducting the parole system review. According to an article in today's Philadelphia Inquirer, Goldkamp plans to "focus on how other states release violent offenders into society and whether those practices can be used here." Professor Goldkamp, let me save you some …

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When judges and parole boards don’t understand psychopaths, cops die

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Tomorrow, the city of Philadelphia is burying a police officer killed in the line of duty. Last Tuesday, Highway Patrol Officer Patrick McDonald was shot to death after a routine traffic stop in a bad neighborhood. The city is furious, and rightfully so—the killer, Daniel Giddings, had an extensive and violent criminal history. He was convicted of robbery and aggravated assault in 2000 for carjacking and kneecapping the victim in the process. Yet Giddings was paroled from a maximum-security prison to a halfway house on August 18, 2008, which he promptly fled. On August 27, Philadelphia police pulled Giddings over for a traffic violation in a car that was later discovered to be stolen. H …

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Accepting the sociopath/narcissist’s blame to preserve the relationship

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Here's a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience's sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment. From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors. Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he's frustrated, it must be someone's fault. Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to o …

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When psychopaths compare notes

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Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a reader telling us about discussion on another Internet forum called PsychForums. Here's what he wrote: Found an interesting set of postings. On PsychForums. "Craving for Antisocial Behavior." With postings between four psychopaths. Arguing for various positions With general agreement that society has infringed on them. And so deserves the revenge. Sounding like people are viewed similarly to enemy combatants. And deserve what they get. Alternate view is that people's revulsion against psychopaths is understandable. That people don't want bad things to happen to them. So don't be a fool and don't get caught or cry unfair. There are plenty of …

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Reflections on antisocial behavior (Part 3): Is that person a sociopath/psychopath?

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Five and a half years ago I started a quest to understand sociopathy/psychopathy and antisocial behavior. Long before that, in 1981, I attended a lecture by Dr. Sarnoff Medick at USC. During that lecture, he presented the results of his research. His research on adopted children indicates that antisocial behavior has a strong measurable genetic basis. His studies did not single out anyone “diagnosed” a sociopath/psychopath they only examined antisocial behavior in parents and their biologic and adopted offspring. Remembering these studies, I read them again and found many others demonstrating the genetic basis for antisocial behavior and sociopathy/psychopathy. Also at the beginning of my …

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Young pop star scores with sociopathic hit song

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Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader in the UK: I wonder what your take on this pop-music video is? This song is played ad-infinitum on radio stations in the UK; you simply can't escape it. What disturbs me is its indifference toward the glorification of sociopathic, even psychopathic, behaviour. Clearly the character the singer is playing out has a taste for control; inflicting degrading, humiliating behaviour, even torture, pain and —as the finale of the video suggests—murder; everything the UN Convention on Human Rights was meant to prevent. The reader included a link to the song Sweet About Me, by Gabriella Cilmi, on YouTube. Here it is: …

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