I remember the last Thanksgiving holiday with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. We were fighting. He kept telling me money would come in from his business venture, and it wasn't happening. As we drove to my family's house for Thanksgiving dinner, I was still steaming. The thought popped into my head, "All I want is my money back, and then I'll get a divorce." I surprised myself. It was the first time I thought about divorce. I never did get my money back. In fact, with all that was taken from me, I had to declare bankruptcy. Still, on this Thanksgiving Day 19 years later, I have much to be grateful for. I am grateful to know the truth. My ex-husband is a sociopath, …
Overcoming the residual fear from sociopathic abuse — two steps forward, one step back
By Eleanor Cowan One bitterly cold winter’s morning at the Vendome metro in Montreal, I hopped a bus that would take me to a lecture on "Attentiveness and Developing Awareness" — and got a complete lesson well before I arrived at the class. The driver of the vehicle, an unsmiling muscled-bound individual, closely examined my transfer for the minute expiry hour stamped upon it. With a curt nod, I was permitted to take my seat. About two minutes later, the driver revved up the ignition for departure, but not before an elderly lady rapped on the glass door, asking for entry. The driver looked down at her, examined his watch for the ten seconds it would have taken to open the door and adm …
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5 stages of endurance to help you recover from the sociopath
Sociopaths do terrible things to us. I hear so many painful stories from Lovefraud readers — perhaps you have a similar experience: You may have had your heart shattered into a million pieces You may have lost your home, your job and all your money You may have suffered physical assault, illness, and emotional or psychological breakdown You who have lost your children, because the sociopaths got custody, poisoned the kids' minds, or both You may who have lost years of your life, time that can never be replaced Sometimes when I hear these stories, my heart just breaks. Because sometimes, as much as I would like to offer solutions, the sociopaths have enacted such total d …
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After getting rid of one sociopath, another sociopath shows up
I've heard from multiple Lovefraud readers over the years who were annoyed, angry, horrified. These readers had finally realized what they were dealing with—a sociopath. They extricated themselves from the relationships and had no further contact with the disordered individuals. And what happened? Another sociopath came into their lives. The readers asked: What is going on? Why can't they leave me alone? Am I a sociopath magnet? The answer is, not necessarily. Following are some observations to add perspective to the situation. Millions of sociopaths These disordered individuals are everywhere. As long as we're living on this planet, we face the possibility of running into t …
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Mandy Friedman, MS LPC NCC: The True Sources of Trauma
Editor's note: Lovefraud is pleased to introduce a new therapist in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide, Mandy Friedman, MS, LPC, NCC. Mandy is located in Cincinnati, Ohio, and specializes in helping survivors of toxic and exploitative personalities. By Mandy Friedman, MS, LPC, NCC My interest in learning about exploitative personalities began as I was trying to make sense of experiences I was having in my personal life. Then, as a mental health counselor, I began connecting dots in therapy sessions as clients worked to overcome painful experiences from their past. A large percentage of clients come to therapy to address anxiety, depression, unhealthy behaviors, difficulty with …
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Grooming: How the religious and cultural ideas of my childhood conditioned me to accept pain and abuse
When I said that “god was my first abuser,” at our regular meeting of Parents of Sexually Abused Children, no one sucked in their breath or exhibited shock. A tough group, no one even blinked an eye. That week’s topic, “Grooming” was assigned by Aidan, our lead Social Worker who, while she listened to us, liked to re-shape lifeless paper clips into unconventional characters that she’d stand up on an enormous art canvas she’d been creating for years and years. I shared with my group that, in Grade 1, when I learned that god ordered his own kid, a boy, to save the world, I instantly thought of Gordie, my teenaged brother. As Sister Brebeuf pointed to a bleeding figure nailed to a crucifix …
12 Reasons to forgive yourself for falling for the sociopath
Once I figured out that my entire relationship was a scam, the person I was most angry with was myself. I really beat myself up. Why did I fall for the lies? Why was I such a chump? Sound familiar? Since my disastrous experience with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, one of the most important things that I've learned about tangling with sociopaths is that we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves for believing them. We are not stupid. We are normal, empathetic people who didn't stand a chance against skilled predators, and here's a dozen reasons why: 1 . No one told us about sociopaths. In school, church, college or even magazine articles, we never learned that there are …
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Recovery from the sociopath — learning to count what truly matters
“Was it the sex?” a new member asked me at our weekly meeting of Parents of Sexually Abused Children. “Is that why you stayed with your user for 14 years?” Three faces swung to me, including the lead social worker of our small assembly, a tall, serious senior woman who encouraged us to ask and answer questions. Aidan didn’t smile a whole lot, but over time, I came to respect her genuine sincerity and tremendous breadth of knowledge. “You mean, knowingly trade family wellbeing for my sexual pleasure?” I asked, disheartened at a question that I found hurtful. “No, the truth is that my husband showed no interest in me. He called me 'Mum' despite my frequent requests that he use my name. I …
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After the Sociopath, Find the Gift in Your Pain
Editor's note: This article refers to spiritual concepts. For more information, read Lovefraud's statement on spiritual recovery. By Waleuska Lazo So here I was grieving, crying and feeling sorry for myself. I had stayed in a situation that was not healthy for my life. Yet I stayed because avoiding that pain was a stronger emotion than facing it. The truth is I was too scared to feel pain. I was too scared to feel the absence of not having ‘that someone’ next to me. What I did not realize was that I was already facing the pain that came as a daily dose of poison. At first, you are unaware of it. It comes camouflaged with little lies and lack of affection. The doses increased with indi …
What I learned about trauma from my dog
My husband and I adopted a five-year-old rescue dog, Bo, in July of 2016. I wrote about him when we brought him home, which you can read here: My new dog offers a lesson in letting go, on Lovefraud.com. Bo has been living us for over a year now, and he is an absolute joy. When I'm working, Bo usually spends the day snoozing on his cushion on the floor beside me. His internal clock tells him when it's time for his walk, and he gets all excited — he loves going out. Who is he going to meet this time? Bo wants to approach every human, dog and even an occasional cat that happens to be along his route. Bo likes to hang around in the kitchen when Terry and I are making dinner. This, h …