lf2

Recovery from a sociopath

After the sociopath, a man with borderline personality disorder

Photo by Alon

Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following email from reader Victimcindy. Donna Andersen  responds after the letter.

My first relationship, after my 18-year marriage to a sociopath, was to a borderline personality disordered (BPD) man. Do you find this common as the disordered traits are opposite in some areas?  We think we are getting something new and healthy.

Spath vs BPD: sex

My spath-ex withheld sex as power. The borderline was highly sexual. My spath-ex was charming, but lacked empathy and was emotionally unavailable. He also abused substances, was opportunistic with casual sex outside marriage and secretive.

Strategies to help recover from a break-up — at least in normal relationships

In a recent scientific paper, researchers tested three cognitive strategies to help people get over a breakup with a romantic partner. They studied 24 heartbroken people, who had been in the relationship an average of 2.5 years. All were upset, and most still loved their exes.

The recovery strategies:

  1. Negatively reappraise their ex — highlighting the ex’s negative traits.
  2. Love reappraisal — accepting feelings of love without judgment.
  3. Distraction — think about positive things unrelated to the ex.

Here were the results, according to the study authors:

  1. Negative reappraisal decreased love feelings but made participants feel unpleasant.

If your relationship and financial support are gone, services for displaced homemakers may be able to help

If you’re in dire financial straits because you’ve been abandoned, divorced or widowed, there may be resources in your community to help you.

At last month’s Battered Mothers Custody Conference, I met Nancy Howard, director of the Center for People in Transition at Rowan College in Gloucester County, New Jersey. Her social services agency assists displaced homemakers in becoming self-sufficient.

Nancy told me that displaced homemaker programs are available in all 50 states of the United States. To find them, just Google “displaced homemaker” and the name of your state.


After dating a sociopath, the advice you need for your recovery

The most telling sign that you’ve been dating a sociopath is confusion. This person claimed to love you, but after the initial whirlwind romance, treated you like dirt. Your partner would be absolutely brutal to you, and the next day, maybe even the next hour, act like nothing ever happened. He or she seemed to be proud of you, and then did nothing but criticize you.

You finally figured out that something was wrong — he or she was disordered — and you ended the involvement. And then you started to second-guess yourself — what if you made a mistake?

What do we do when sociopaths experience no consequences?

Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who posts as “Salvation2012.”

Thank you for helping me decide when I needed to cut my losses during my divorce. I did cut my “losses,” yet the total I received tallied up to a number similar, just not in all cash. Because I settled in his eyes, he told everyone I was just proving how I was the guilty one and didn’t want to risk being exposed. To the end he will deny permanently injuring me and bleeding me of money, and cheating on me (which I only later found out about the extent).

After the sociopath, managing how my brain manages trauma

By Eleanor Cowan

I felt heavy as I awakened this morning. A toxic punch followed by a few slaps of self-recrimination are tossed with tuning forks—all delivered by myself to me.

“No!” I say as I have for the past thirty years. I swing my legs out of bed and onto the solid oak floor. My gold filigreed daily planner is right where its supposed to be.

I will never erase my actual history of having married a pedophile who molested first his siblings and then our children. His crafty, conscienceless siphoning of my time, energy, money and support for fourteen years can never be expunged. I can never, ever erase his small daily cruelties that sadly, I got used to tolerating, little by little, more and more.

Dating again after the sociopath – Webinar May 16, 8 pm ET

You’d like a romantic partner, but after one sociopath, you’re afraid of meeting another. Learn how to know when you are ready for a new partner, and how to date with awareness, so you can protect yourself from scammers and predators.

Bring your questions!

Dating again after the sociopath
Presented by Donna Andersen, author of Lovefraud.com
Wednesday, May 16, 2018 • 8-9 pm ET • $25

Highlights

  • How to protect yourself from sociopaths
  • Why internal healing is important

Sometimes “no contact” is not an option

For more than two years, I’ve shared my story and relevant insights here once a week.

That’s coming to a close.  My book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath chronicles my marriage and the painful lessons learned. My book, Narcissists, Sociopaths & Wolves  includes a summary of some of the warning signs of being in a relationship with a sociopath. I hope the excertps I’ve shared from them have been helpful.

Husband Liar Sociopath

I didn’t know.

What Betrayal Taught Me

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

By Waleuska Lazo

Betrayal. This eight-letter word conjures up scary thoughts. Betrayal is one of the deepest pains we go through because it hits us at the core of our ability to love and trust

After my marriage ended I was grateful for the two loves of my life, my beautiful daughters. When I went into my next relationship, again I did with an implicit trust. In my mind, I was forming an invisible contract, or what I called a soul agreement.

Healing old pain through a new disordered relationship

By Eleanor Cowan

My throat, arms, and legs felt swollen. Not for the first time, the thought occurred: “Death would be an instant relief.” I could hardly walk. Heavy with grief, a searing acidic ache in my stomach, I arrived at the weekend retreat held by a support group for those affected by the addictions of a loved one. Assigned to a tiny room the size of a storage cupboard in the small community college, I dropped the worn backpack I’d hastily stuffed with an old nightie, soap, and toothbrush. I chose a seminar among those offered on the agenda lying on the desk and stumbled to it.

Send this to a friend