Editor's note: At the request of readers, the Lovefraud member "Skylar" has contributed the following article. When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it's commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible. There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in when you share child custody with a psychopath. As another example, if you are being stalked by an ex, a restraining order can infuriate the unwanted suitor, and refusing to respond to him …
The Ducking Stool
This week I'm inspired to write after receiving a distressing email from a friend of mine on Saturday night. This particular friend of mine is, like all of us here, someone who knows what it's like to be conned and manipulated. Like so many of us, she struggled to make sense of what had happened — the explanations coming just as hard to herself as to her friends and family. Particularly, of course, those who had known her sociopathic husband and had also been taken in by his charming lies. This particular lady, though, rather than hide herself away or hope things would just disappear, instead decided to write a book about her experiences. Now translated in to several languages, her story h …
When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) I guess I am making a “confession” here of being a wimp, or maybe an enabler, for the majority of my life. But when people would ask me for a “favor,” I would almost always do it, even if it meant that I had to cancel plans of my own that I would much rather have done. In other words, by saying “yes” to my friends and family, I was saying “no” to myself. Shopping on Mondays After my husband died I cared for my stepfather during his long battle with cancer. In fact, I cancelled my “life” and my own grieving for my husband to voluntarily be there for him. I wanted to be there for him. However, after his death and a reasonable period of time, I realized …
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The Confusion of a Child of A Sociopath
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. My father appeared to be a very successful business man. Our family lived in a home on Biscayne Bay, had money and was very well known. He served as a pilot in the Air Force, was very good looking and extremely charming. From the outside, our life looked almost perfect. Like any young boy, I idolized my dad. When in his presence, I was almost hypnotized by him. I was extremely attracted to the way he approached life. I guess it's normal for a boy to want to be just like his father. I wanted to believe everything that he told me. As best I could tell, he treated me …
Shame And Silence
There has been a story in the UK news this week that touched my heart. It's a story of a ruthless abuser who controlled, abused and manipulated their partner. Sounds familiar? Two years of mental, emotional and financial cruelty, the physical injuries alone resulted in the need for corrective surgery. The attacks included bleach sprayed in the eyes. Lit cigarettes up the nose. Fractured skull. Cracked ribs. Repeated scalding with an iron and boiling water and attacks with a claw hammer. And yet even after all that ill-treatment, the victim has not lost faith in finding another partner. These are the touching words that reached out to me and brought tears to my eyes: “It's going to be di …
Happiness: How do we know when we have found it?
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves. I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me? After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: See, smell, taste, hear and feel freedom
Editor's note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader, who has discovered that she can find healing from her encounter with a sociopath through writing. Awakened Senses By Nancy Voelker I see ”¦ a field as I drive through the countryside. We had a picnic and laid looking at clouds, bodies entwined. I smell ”¦ smoke from a chimney. His arms were wrapped around me as music played softly and we watched the flames dance. I taste ”¦ butter on my finger as I make dinner in my quiet kitchen. We spent an afternoon boiling lobsters and gorging ourselves. Kissing butter off our chins. I hear ”¦ a song playing as I wander through the bookstore alone. He grabbed me and …
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Gratitude and Miracles
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. It is easy to get caught up in the pain and suffering and not see all the good. Often times, when we are most hurt, it is difficult to see anything but pain and evil. The world is full of good, selfless giving, love and miracles. We just need to look for it! I like a saying I once heard that goes like this”¦ “You are what you pay attention” This is true for me because when I am grateful, I feel good. And when I feel good, I anticipate good things and miracles. If I am looking for these things, they tend to materialize. Today I am grateful for all of y …
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
This week I've been inspired by another motivational quote that I hadn't seen for a while: ”What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson And it got me thinking. Looking back over my own experiences of abusive people, I realize that I believed words over actions. That because the things they were doing were so divorced from the story I was being told, I decided that I must have misunderstood. It must be me who is misinterpreting the situation. It must be because I'm giving out mixed messages. Heck, perhaps it's just that I'm asking too much — perhaps I just need to be grateful for what I have and be more understanding of the other person's point of view? …
When clergy are abusers
Editor's note: The following list was compiled by Carolyn Waterstradt, who holds a masters degree in theology and will graduate with masters degree in social work in April 2012. Carolyn owns Inner Quest Healing, where she works with survivors of clergy sexual abuse. This partial list of grooming techniques was compiled from her research with 18 women who were abused by a member of the clergy. Her book, "Fighting the Good Fight: Healing and Advocacy after Clergy Sexual Assault," is a compilation of this research and will be available in spring 2012. This article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. 10 Grooming Techniques Commonly Used in Cle …