When I finally realized that the person who promised to love me forever, James Montgomery, was a lying, manipulative cheater, I was angry with him — and just as angry with myself. Why did I believe his lies and empty promises? I knew he was taking my money; why did I stay? I beat myself up. I couldn’t let go of my mistake with the sociopath. The realization that I’d made a massive error in marrying this man was, of course, just one aspect of my emotional turmoil. I was betrayed — Montgomery cheated on me with multiple women. In fact, he had a child with another woman during our marriage. He also convinced me to finance his business plans, which were really just get-rich-quick schemes, until a …
19 New Year’s resolutions to help you recover from narcissistic abuse
UPDATED FOR 2023. The New Year is always a good time for new beginnings. If your wish for 2023 is to heal from a destructive relationship with a sociopath and recover from the narcissistic abuse that you endured, here are 19 New Year's resolutions to help you. 1 . I will have No Contact with the sociopath — I will not call, text or send email, and I certainly won't meet him/her in person. 2. If the sociopath contacts me, I will not respond. 3. I will not try to get information about the sociopath from others. 4. I will not follow or stalk the sociopath on social media. 5. I will remember that anything the sociopath says could be a lie. 6. I will not try to prove myself to the sociopath …
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Should I expose the sociopath for revenge?
In a comment on my Lovefraud Live! Youtube show, a viewer asked if she should expose the sociopath for revenge. Here’s what she wrote: I've got so much dirt on this guy that I now know is a sociopath...took advantage of my emotions horribly. Should I use what I know about him to get some kind of revenge? This Lovefraud viewer brings up two issues. First, she asks about exposing the sociopath. Second, she asks about revenge. Let’s address them one at a time. Exposing the sociopath There is value in exposing the sociopath for society as a whole: warning others against his or her deceit and exploitation can prevent them from being victimized. One reason why sociopaths keep engaging i …
Healthy relationships after the sociopath or narcissist
“I’ll never date again.” I can’t tell you how many times Lovefraud readers have said this after being betrayed by a sociopath or narcissist. I get it — the soul-crushing experience of lies, manipulation, exploitation and perhaps physical assault leaves you wanting to do nothing but crawl into a cave. But I assure you, you can recover, and healthy relationships after the sociopath or narcissist are possible. The key, as I’ve said many times here on Lovefraud, is emotional recovery. That means allowing yourself to feel and process the emotional wounds inflicted by the sociopath, and probably by other people in your life as well. The work of recovery is messy and takes time, but it is truly w …
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Explaining dysfunctional relationships as codependency
When we face difficulties and hardship in life, we try to find meaning in the experience. This is certainly the case with all of us who have tangled with sociopaths. We ask, how did this happen? More importantly, why did this happen? Many people have answered the questions by explaining dysfunctional relationships as codependency. In fact, for some people, explaining dysfunctional relationships as codependency is comforting. This is the point of a study entitled, The lived experience of codependency: an interpretative phenomenological analysis, by Ingrid Bacon and colleagues. The research was based on in-depth interviews with eight people who identified themselves as codependent and coped …
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The myth of codependency in sociopathic relationships
I talk to a lot of Lovefraud readers. Many times, they’ve told me that they were stuck in relationships with sociopaths because of their own codependent personalities. Really? I’m not so sure that the presumption of codependency in sociopathic relationships is true. First of all, what is codependency? Psychology Today explains, “Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of ‘the giver,’ sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, ‘the taker.’” The website quickly notes, however, that “Codependency is not a clinical diagnosis or a personality disorder and has sparked much debate and controversy among psychology experts.” C …
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With the sociopath – is it love or addiction?
UPDATED FOR 2022. Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call “Gianna.” She ended her involvement with a sociopath, and now wonders if she'll ever experience such intense love again. Here's a better question: is it love or addiction? Gianna's email After extensive searches for the article already written, I've come to think I should just ask the question. Will I ever be able to love someone the way I loved the sociopath? I am 3 years out of my relationship with the man who almost destroyed me. It's taken therapy, countless books, overcoming obsession, and rebuilding myself from the ground up. I've come a long way but there is still one piece of me that is missi …
Empty chair technique to resolve issues with deceased father
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS As a cognitive behavioral therapist, I have recently incorporated what is called “the empty chair” technique with my clients. This technique is for individuals who have a need to express themselves to someone that is emotionally unavailable, living far away, in prison, or deceased. Commonly this technique is used to resolve a conflict with someone who will not visit a counselor or therapist with the client. Also, if there is an overtly dysfunctional family member (an addict or alcoholic) who will not seek therapy or talk about their problem, this empty chair technique is effective for family members who are witnessing their destructive behaviors and feel hel …
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After 6 months of No Contact, the sociopath wants to begin again
UPDATED FOR 2022: Suppose you successfully get rid of a sociopath and he or she leaves you alone. Then, after months of No Contact, he or she reaches out to you. The sociopath wants to begin again. What do you do? Here's an email exchange I once had with a Lovefraud reader whom we'll call "Alana." Alana wrote: Donna, I came across ur website accidentally after I left a guy and was searching for some answers on whether he was abusive, I was left totally confused. When I met him 4 years ago, he seemed so crazy about me and he would send me hundreds of texts per day and 10 phone calls, he wanted to see me every day. At first I felt suffocated I wanted to run in the other direction, …
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My happy marriage after the sociopath
This past weekend, my wonderful husband, Terry Kelly, and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary with a short getaway to New Hope, Pennsylvania. We stayed at a nice hotel, went to a museum, ate some delicious meals. But mostly, we celebrated our love for each other, still going strong after all these years. Yes, a happy marriage is possible after the sociopath. Life brings challenges and we’ve certainly faced our share. But the issues were never about problems in our relationship. What’s our secret? I’d say caregiving. I’ve explained many times that researchers have identified three social drives that are components of romantic love: Attachment — wanting to be with your special …