A while ago, I heard a riddle on the radio I hadn't heard since I was a young girl. Three men go to a hotel and book a room together. The room costs $30, so they each pay $10. After they've gone upstairs the desk clerk realizes the room only cost $25. He gives the bellhop $5 and tells him to return the money to the men. The bellhop figures he can't split $5 evenly, so he pockets $2 and gives them each $1 back. That means they each paid $9 for the room. Which means they paid, $27 total. But, if you add the bellhops $2, it means there's only $29 -- Where did the extra $1 go? Ultimately, the answer is, it's not a math question -- it's a case of misdirection. The riddle asks us to follow the …
(Given what you’ve learned the hard way) what’s your attitude like?
It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them - the opposite of idealistic. And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blasé, apathetic - the opposite of fresh. The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to 'Ethical conundrums'. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded? …
(Given what you’ve learned the hard way) what’s your attitude like?Read More
What the sociopath experience has taught me
Recently, I had a run-in with someone who displays traits of a bully. Because of my experience with the sociopath, the abuser no longer in my life, I didn't get bullied by his assertions that he was in the right and I was wrong, wrong, wrong -- not to mention stupid. Now, it is disconcerting to have an encounter of this sort. It is never pleasant to have someone yelling at me, or telling me I'd better do what they say, or else. In the case of this individual, the 'or else' was connected to his assertion he had the power to ruin my life in this city because, 'he knows people'. He and his dad are connected and all it would take is one phone call, and wham! I wouldn't know what hit me. Once …
The gift of fear: After the sociopath is gone.
When I first got my life back after the sociopath was arrested, I was terrified of becoming angry. Anger to me was my father raging. Anger was the sociopath standing before me with fist raised, eyes blazing, teeth bared. Anger never stopped. Anger was forever. And so, I feared my anger. I had to learn that anger does end -- when I let it out -- safely and with feeling. One hot sunny day a couple of months after his arrest, a girlfriend, who had also come out of an abusive relationship, and I took 4 dozen eggs to the top of a cliff and threw them with all our might onto the rocks below. Before we hurled them we sat and drew pictures and words onto each egg -- pictures and words I had always …
Truth and lies: After the sociopath is gone.
Someone asked me the other day if there was anything anyone could have done that would have made a difference in what eventually happened when I was with the sociopath who is no longer in my life. Interesting question. Had I been forced into a program that made me aware of what was happening within me while I was with him, would you have gone down so far, they asked? Don't know. I do remember the craziness in my head while I was trying to justify his actions to myself, and pulling away from my friends as they tried to pull me into reality. We've talked a lot about how they felt so helpless watching me disappear before their eyes in my attempt to become invisible. They wanted …
Writing out the sociopathic experience heals my life today
I don't spend a lot of time writing about ”˜what happened' while I was with the sociopath. What happened cannot be changed. What can change is how I treat myself today. What I do today to create the beautiful life I deserve. In that process, I write about the triggers from the past that sometimes erupt and their impact on my life today. I find too much ruminating over what happened in the there and then affects my here and now. It holds me back from living each moment of my day with joyful abandon. Recently, however, a producer approached me about taking my book, The Dandelion Spirit, and turning it into a movie. Wow. Cool. Weird. Love it, even though part of me is scared it's just a jo …
Writing out the sociopathic experience heals my life todayRead More
Be wild at heart after the sociopath is gone
Finding what we lost after coming out from the turmoil of a relationship with a sociopath can be daunting. Healing from these encounters takes time. Yet, we have a tendency to believe we should be able to get over it, be done, and finished with the hurting within a pre-determined schedule carefully marked on the calendar page. As if healing from an emotional rape has a timeline and can be accomplished by following the direct line from A to Z. There is no alphabet encoded path to healing from these encounters. No step by step process that states do this and in 23 days you will be healed. I used to hate the word, 'organic'. As in, the process is organic. Since getting free from his abuse, …
Love in the aftermath of a sociopathic encounter
Life continually delivers up opportunities to grow, to learn, to shift my perceptions, to experience new things, to embrace new ideas, to let go and let change happen. Since the sociopath has been gone from my life, the lessons I've embraced are ones that support me. They're lessons that enrich my life with love and laughter. I've been dating C.C. for four months now. Known him for three years. I know who he is. I know his values. His beliefs. I know he is true. And still, sometimes, I feel the fear of the past haunting me. Recently, I stayed late at the office trying to clear up a project I need to have finished by the end of the month. It was dark by the time I got home, but the house …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Once upon a time, I would do anything for love, but not anymore
Editor's note: This essay was submitted to the Lovefraud Blog by a reader who comments as "AlohaTraveler." I have thought about this for a long time. I have decided I am not going to tell you my story, at least not today. I have read the stories of other contributors and even more of visitors who have just discovered this site and posted their story in the blog comments. Believe me, I understand the need to tell someone what he/she did to you and your life. You just want someone to understand, because you don't. You don't understand why he did what he did. But worse, you don't understand why you let it happen or why you tolerated the intolerable far beyond reason. You don't know why you …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Once upon a time, I would do anything for love, but not anymoreRead More
Knowledge keeps me aware. My choices keep me safe
It is the rare Saturday morning that doesn't find me and my Golden Retriever, Ellie, walking up the trail to crest the ridge of Nose Hill Park, 280 acres of rolling prairie grasses that sprawl along the northern edge of the city. This Saturday morning was no exception. Early morning. Cool air. Gentle breezes. The sky a gun metal grey blanket streaked with hopeful blue screwing up the courage to pierce the clouds and send them scuttling away. Ellie gamboled joyfully along the path, her snout quivering in anticipation of the many smells trapped in the grasses lining our path. We were alone in the gentle morning. Happy. Excited. Alive. As we walked a woman and her dog jogged towards us. …