At 9:12 am on May 21, 2003, the only peace I knew was the unsettling desire to die, the constant throbbing of the voice screaming at me to let go, give in, give up, give over my life to the darkness that consumed me. I wanted to end it all. To have the turmoil and pain and fear of living with an abuser die with me.
At 9:13 am on May 21, 2003, everything changed. Everything shifted and my world as I knew it ended. A police car drove up and I stood watching as two officers stepped from the car.
At 9:14 am I followed the officers into the room where my abuser lay sleeping and watched them arrest him.
They took him away and I sat in a chair in a room I did not recognize, captive in a body I could not feel. I was catatonic. Frightened. Terrified. I had 72 cents in my pocket, a few clothes and my dog, Ellie, who had journeyed through that four year, nine month voyage through hell beside me. She was my ballast but with his arrest, I was cast adrift. I clung to her fur, cried into her shoulders but still fear eroded my being, clawed at my heart, tore my world apart.
In my fear that this horror that I was enduring would be the rest of my life, I didn’t know where I’d find myself. I didn’t know where I’d come ashore. I only knew, I had run out of options. Run out of running away, of hiding, of being frightened and alone.
I called my sister and she and her husband came to get me. We drove the hour from the small town where I had been hiding out with my abuser for 4 months, into Vancouver. They didn’t ask me questions. They didn’t prod and poke. They didn’t dig into where I’d been nor share their fear and anger. They let me sit in silence in the back seat of their car and I was grateful.
My abuser was gone but still I felt the tendrils of his control lapping at the shores of my consciousness. I felt the fear of his absence from my life ripping at the delicate thought of freedom seeping into my mind. The enticement of peace from his abuse and anger seepped quietly into a tiny corner of my heart and began to take up residence.
It was the first peace I had known for months, years even. The first sense of peace I’d let in since meeting the man who’d promised to love me ’til death do us part, and then set about making the death part come true, sooner rather than later.
And in that moment of peace, sitting in the back seat of my sister’s car, Ellie beside me, I watched the countryside roll by and wondered, where had I gone?
It would be many months before I found an answer I could live with, but in the intervening weeks, I would dig deep into my psyche to uncover the truth about what had happened to me. In my digging, I would discover there was one choice I could make, every moment of every day — to be or not to be filled with peace — peace of mind, a peaceful heart, to claim a piece of calmness within my day.
Peace didn’t come cheap. It came with great effort. With a constant reminder of the question, “What do I want to create? Harmony or discord?” “Is what I am doing creating more harmony in my life? Or less?”
And when the answer was, ‘less’, I would ask myself, “What can I do to restore peace of mind, right now, in this moment? What am I willing to do to have more of what I want in my life?”
He was arrested in May. By July I was working, rebuilding my life. I had one focus and that was to heal myself so that I could help my daughters heal. And constantly I reminded myself, my peace of mind comes when I know that what I am doing creates more of what I want in my life and less of what I don’t.
And peace came. It drifted into my being like fog rising from the ocean shores upon which I walked at night with Ellie. It came. Dressed up in a gossamer gown of morning dew resting upon the delicate petals of the flowers strewn across the garden in a joyful disarray of colour. It seeped in, shrouded in the night falling sweetly upon the end of day. Peace came and I became filled with peace of mind.
And then, the phone call arrived. It was a hot summer’s morning in August. I was getting ready to walk to the Seabus that would carry me across the bay to the downtown core. I was getting ready and peace of mind slept unaware of the moment about to arrive. The phone rang. I answered it and listened to the disturbing words of a police officer.
“Conrad has escaped from jail. We don’t know where he is but we assume he’ll come looking for you… Just thought we should warn you.”
And in one moment, my peace of mind evaporated. My sense of well-being vanished.
I started to shake. To cry. To be consumed with the fiery fringe of fear lapping at my heart, sending its beat into erratic rhythm.
My mind began to race. What if… no way… but then he could…
I shut the windows. Locked the door. And still I feared.
I wanted out. I didn’t want to let go of my peace of mind.
I took a breath. Refused to be scared. I got Ellie’s leash and called her to my side. “Let’s go for a walk,” I said.
The thought of the great outdoors enticed her. She didn’t care about my peace of mind. She just wanted to go for a walk.
And so we walked. Out the front door, through the gate, down the street. A left and then a right, across the avenue, along the trail leading into the woods. My sanctuary. My respite. My peaceful place.
I took a step into the forest’s tranquil embrace. A leaf rustled on the ground. A twig snapped.
Fear erupted. Peace escaped.
Suddenly, behind every branch, he lurked. Every rustle of leaf was his footstep. Every step took me closer to a deadly encounter.
I lasted less than two minutes in the woods before I bolted.
Peace was no longer possible. Terror reigned.
I raced down the street, back towards my sister’s home where I was living. I raced with Ellie loping beside me. It’s a game, her upturned face seemed to say. Can we play?
No, I cried. No time to play. We’ve got to get home. Home to the safety of a locked door, drawn blinds, darkness.
And in the comfort of my room, lying on my bed, Ellie watching me from the floor beside me, I cried and I cried.
How dare he steal my peace of mind. How dare he erode my tranquility.
“He doesn’t have to,” a voice somewhere in the darkness of my mind whispered. “You don’t have to let him in.”
“It’s not my choice,” I cried.
“You always have a choice,” the voice admonished.
I took a breath. A choice? A peaceful choice? The voice was right. I always have a choice.
To live in fear or peace?
Which would I choose?
There is a story of a First Nations elder who tells his grandson about the two wolves that live within each of us. One is black. One is white, he tells his grandson. And always, they are fighting to gain control of our being.
“Which one wins?” the grandson asks.
“Whichever one you feed,” replies the elder.
I fed the black wolf that day. I fed it my hard won peace of mind, my sense of well-being, my comfort. I fed what I had worked so hard to achieve and still it was hungry. It wanted more.
I had so little to give. I could not give it what I cherished most.
I took a breath and let my breath feed oxygen to the white wolf where it sat waiting at the doorway to my mind. With each breath I stoked the fires of my passion to live with peace of mind residing deep within me, a calm, clear lake of tranquility resting at my core.
I took a breath and chose to let go of fear and step into courage. I chose to let courage drive fear out, as I drove clear of the darkness.
I claimed my peace of mind and stepped out into the sunshine of the day, confident in my choice to live fearlessly in the rapture of now. I took a breath and slid effortlessly into the grace of being free to choose more of what I want of my life, letting go of what no longer serves me.
The question is: Which wolf will you feed?
TooLate
Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone!
I want to apologize to everyone. This place and the people here have been very supportive to me … but I can be overly sensitive to criticism. My moods are labile much of the time. I wish I could just get them under control.
This isn’t like me … really it isn’t. I don’t like it any more than you do. It’s no excuse though, and I am sorry if I seem unbalanced at times.
Please don’t be offended if I seem angry. I am still struggling to cope with the trauma of the past several years.
I want you all to know that I DO appreciate your input and advice … even if it’s not what I want to hear. Don’t give up on me please!
I filed my taxes for the year and it looks like I will have enough of a return to get my own apartment. My children are now in “daycare” so that my roommate doesn’t have to deal with the “hassel”. It seems to be going well … so far.
I do care about my roommate (as a VERY good friend), and so do my boys. We bought him a box of eclairs (his favorite) for Valentine’s Day. This evening, we returned home to find 2 packages of Hershy’s kisses (one for each of the boys) and a beautiful orchid for me. The sentiment makes me want to cry. What a sweet thing for him to do.
I still don’t want to be in a relationship. I think it’s best for me and the boys if I remain single … at least until I heal completely from the Spath I have been with for the past 13 years.
If my roommate would just give me some space and time … there might be a day … but I can’t make any promises to him now. I don’t know how long I will need to heal and I don’t want to give him any false hope of a future between us. All I ask for is time without pressure. Is that really asking too much?
Well … I will be getting my own place soon. I need time and space. I need boundaries and respect. I need genuine love. I cannot have that until I can give that to myself, can I?
I hope this makes sense to you.
Monday is a school holiday. It is also my birthday. I will be 44 years old. I am hoping that the day will be pleasant for ALL of us. I just want to spend it with my boys. No presents … just quality time. I have invited my roommate to join us for a movie at the theater to celebrate.
If you have any wishes to send me … please let them be for a good recovery. That is what I need the most right now.
Thank you for listening.
pollyannanomore
Rosa = I am laughing at the chocs laced with cyanide. I have struggled through today – I think the fact it is V Day just exemplifies the unfairness of it all – they are off celebrating with the new target while we are here posting about our pain in an effort to recover from what they did to us. This day has been very very hard for me. I am glad it is almost over on my side of the world. I wrote a poem and One Step was kind enough to post it to the blog, but in case anyone hasn’t visited it yet – here it is again! Sorry about the length – I just started and let it all come out. I am trying to channel my revenge fantasies into creativity …
Valentine for the new Victim
So you think you have a love affair
All roses and angst with everything new
Well don’t be so sure of what you have
He’ll slip and do the dirty on you
He was always so full of promises
Of what tomorrow would be
I like a fool believed them all
Now I’m broken and hurting you see
You think with you it’s different
I was the bitch who made everything bad
He’s told you his version of everything
How I made his life hell, that I’m mad
You shouldn’t be so quick to believe him though
He told me those lies before too
How his wife cheated with another guy
Even though his heart was true
The truth is something quite different
He’s an abuser, a psycho, a bad man
You’re in the thrall of a new love affair
And can’t see the beach for the sand
He’ll break your heart too like he did with me
You’ll realise he just cannot love
And you’ll look back on all of your sacrifice
When your conscious mind gives you a shove
The spell it breaks for all of us
And I hope it breaks for you soon
He’s a liar, a cheat and a psychopath
Who promises you stars and the moon
Don’t give him your heart in totality
He isn’t worthy of such a fine gift
He’ll smash it and break it and piss on it
And then blame you and act like he’s miffed
Oh don’t give your heart to the psychopath
He just doesn’t care about you
You’ll give him your all and your everything
He’ll leave you feeling broken and blue
One day you’ll see why I spoke these words
By then it will be too late though
You’ll be like me wandering oer the earth
Wondering where you should go
The pain at the end is unbearable
The memories just won’t go away
You want to forget and move on with life
Even if just for a day
But nightmares and intrusion and constriction
These will be your new life
If you don’t get away and run far from him
If you become the psychopath’s wife
You’re young and naïve and bulletproof
You think you can fix him this time
He’s not what you think though ”“ no not at all
Not a real human ”“ only a mime
He’ll never love you or care for you
He’s just using to get what he can
When you’re spent and he’s done he’ll move on again
He’s a parasitically minded bad man
When you wake up and see what he’s done to you
You’ll be angry and all torn apart
Just remember these words that I spoke to you
As you pick up your fragments of heart
I tried to warn you in many ways
It’s sad but you just couldn’t see
You thought I was bitter and jealous
And wanted him back just for me
He’s nothing to me in my life anymore
I see him for just what he is
A façade, simulucrum, a mask wearer
So tell me ”“ what is there to miss?
I just hoped to save you some heartache
I went through it all by myself
I wondered what it was I had done to him
As he abused me through deceit and stealth
I now need him so far away from me
He’s dangerous, toxic and bad
You’ll find out for yourself one day
If you don’t end up suicidal or mad
I hope you get out really soon from him
Before he messes with your brain
He doesn’t care at all for you
For him this is all just a game.
ErinBrock
Toolate:
Darlen….your in the process…..in all the ups and downs…..
YOUR OKAY!!!!
Take it slow and give it time.
Sometime the ‘diversion’ of someone else is good…..sometimes it’s too much…..you sound like you know what you need ‘today’……so follow your gut.
Take care of you….take care of your boys……
Your OKAY…..keep on keepen on girl!
xxoo
EB
ErinBrock
TL:
AND HAVE A WONDERFUL 44th year!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
🙂
pollyannanomore
Roxy – I am still in early days too – we probably expect too much of ourselves – the people who are way ahead and seem much more healed have had YEARS to work on it! I think we will get there – we are expressing what comes up and have supportive people here who care how we are going (thank God because I don’t have too many in real life that understand this process or trust that my way through is what I need and the best way to go).
I think the people who haven’t experienced it perhaps feel bad to see us in pain so try to ‘snap us out’ of it, but it doesn’t work, is insulting and just denies our grief and pain all over again.
I wonder if those who are better healed could share with us some responses for when well meaning folk say ‘Just get over it’ or ‘Just stop thinking about it’ or ‘You’re making this worse than it needs to be’. I have tried saying “Look this is my healing process and I know what I am doing – this is simply what I need to do right now. I am not dwelling or rubbing my own face in it – I am going through everything that happened, learning and understanding it all.”
I would have thought that would be clear enough but apparently it isn’t! Has anyone got any good responses that worked for them???
ErinBrock
Yeah….
How about……
Fuck off and thanks for the support!
I have found that some people have a statute of limitations on support.
We either need to ‘censor’ ourselves…..or let the relationship go or create a distance for our own healing.
These people may be ‘well meaning’…..but they have NO idea what it means to be in this sort of relationship and the time it takes to heal from it……
There is no time ‘limit’…..
I think these type of relationships have a natural ‘ending’ to them…..from my experience.
Don’t worry…..keep doing what you are doing…..and DON”T let anyone take you down!!!
ErinBrock
GOOD NEWS….EB IS IN THE HOUSE!!!!
HA FUCKER>>>>>>>>>
Every few days I do a search for Soc#2 and 3…..
Tonight….I found out #2 was arrested……and being held w/o bail!!!
Guess what this bitch has been doing…….Contacting police agencies and BAIL BONDSMEN…..whom he has other warrants with and skipped bail……3 bondsmen in 2 states…..
I also have the local guys on there way down to serve him MY PAPERWORK…..in jail………..I called…..(in the middle of the night), so they can be down there bright and early….the guys are doing it themselves….Remember….they said….EB….this is no longer a mission….it’s a quest! SO QUEST AWAY BOYZ!!!!
Ha!!!!
Oh,I wish I could be there……just to say GOOD MORNING TO THE FUCKER!!!!
I am also filing a motion to garnish his jail account (bank)…..
as he CANT hide funds when he’s incarcerated!!!! And seize his wedding ring and watch…..if he was wearing them when picked up…..theyd be in custody at the jail…..
Dang….HE SHOULDA PAID ME!!!!!!!
NOW…..I can make his life wayyyyyyyyy morrrrreeeeee complicated! WHile in JAIL…no less!
Was it worth it asshole????????????????
Soc #3 is now vulnerable….no car, foreigner with a infant and no one to take care of her…..and a felony warrant for car theft……of her own…..she’s got his phone…..and she’s gonna be answe3ring it …..in case her lover boy will call from jail……
SO……I’m gonna break her…….
Maybe the sheriff will offer her a ride to see loverboy…as he’s 2 hours drive from her now……and then well get her!!!
Ya messed with the wrong chicky!
Oh…..I am on a high right now (and unfortunately it’s the middle of the night)…..just thinking of what an ass he Soc #2 is….and how he has NO IDEA it’s ME reeking havoc on them both……He shoulda paid me! This is what I call….planting the seed…..as much as I would love to have them know it’s me……I DO NOT need to take any credit….it’s much safer for me!
And I KNOW I”VE FUCKED WITH HIM! That’s all that matters!!!
Plant the seed and watch it grow……..Baby…….
If I never see any money…..this will be soooooo worth it!
The dudes incarcerated…….and he thinks he’s getting out….yeah…..not anytime soon…..when they are alerted to ALL the other warrants…….HOMEBOY!
Wait until the bail bondsmen get their hands on him…..
HAHAHAHAHAHA…..bend over!
bulletproof
ErinBrock
I’m delighted for you. You are unstoppable! go for it. Get him good. oooh I wish I could see the same thing happen for me…! it’s excrutiating for you not to be able to go down and strut around a bit, see his face etc. but STAY SAFE!!
your time has come. I’m with you in spirit x Well done. some woman for one woman…ha ha he certainly messed with the wrong chick
pollyannanomore
Aw Erin I sucked my breath in when I saw that response –
Yeah”.
How about—
Fuck off and thanks for the support!
LOL
Far out you have a way with words! I think you’re right about the statute of limitation on suffering though – and yes it’s always from people who have no idea what it is to be in one of these relationships. Especially when they’re long term – I’m not being exclusive here but I think the impact is that much worse when they’re a very long duration. Thanks very much Erin – I am going to copy and paste that response – if they won’t listen to me then maybe they’ll listen to the testimony of someone else who has been there before – that’s the unfortunate thing about those close to us – they won’t listen to us but will listen to complete strangers…
Congrats on getting justice with these two eggs – it’s not revenge but rather getting the balance right 🙂
Rosa
MidlifeCrisis:
I love a great poem, and that’s a really great poem.
Thank you for posting that.