Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Carla:
Can you help me with co-parenting with a sociopath? Divorced three months ago, after a two-year fight for my rights. He is not complying as you know.
I am going crazy with the way he only shows his wonderful, smooth qualities to the children. I have three boys. I can’t stand sending them on weekends to a man who never calls them for two weeks and then lavishes them with charm and gifts. It makes me sick that I am struggling because he has not released even one of 26 accounts to me as decreed in the divorce settlement. He pays my bills and deducts them from the alimony. He follows the agreement under his own conditions and it confuses the attorneys. He won’t discuss the children with me or offer any assistance to them as a father. He is 100 percent focused on his new victim, his girlfriend, a new young, widow. Spending all the money he hid on her. But the kids have “buddy” to whisk them from one expensive activity to another while I am struggling to pay the bills.
I have greater anxiety now than when we were married. He openly emotionally abuses me. Before it was more covert and I got immune to the invalidation and blame. NOW I am discarded since I chose not to play by his rules of cheating, drugs, gambling, lying, withholding sex. He isn’t nice to me at all. Cruel. It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.
I miss the financial security and vacations. Now someone else shares those things with him and all I did was give him three beautiful children to brag about and add to his narcissism.
I say terrible things about him to the two older children, ages 6 and 13. I tell them how he is not following the agreement, lying and spending money on drugs and women.
Is so frustrating. I see what is real but no one else does. I am afraid my children are going to prefer him (and his girlfriend) because he is so charming and generous and I know he is pathological and I can’t give them the expensive gifts and ultra stimulating activities.
How do you deal with the frustration that you are the only person who knows someone is a sociopath? I had to live 15 years with him to figure it out and go through four therapists until the last one nailed him as anti-social/schizoid personality disordered. Then I validated her “diagnosis” with Lovefraud. He has all the signs with a very high IQ and status of a medical professional to hide behind. Will anyone else ever figure it out? I don’t believe that what comes around goes around when it comes to a sociopath as intellectually clever as my ex-husband. I do have a few very perspective people who picked up on it. I don’t think my kids will ever see it and I think he will destroy me even post-divorce. Why is he so relentless? He has his freedom and his money. Why not leave me alone? Is it because I get one-third of his income in alimony?
After the divorce
Probably the most shocking thing about divorcing a sociopath is that even when it’s over, it’s not over. The attorneys have argued, the court has ruled, this is how it’s going to be—and it’s not. The sociopath doesn’t comply, twists things the way he or she wants them, uses children against the other parent, and no one seems to care.
This leaves the non-sociopathic partner—like Carla—angry with the sociopath, frustrated that he’s getting away with his lies and manipulation, and upset that he won’t do what he’s supposed to do, baffled that no one else sees the truth—all while still mourning the life she thought she had. Carla wants her ex to pay her what he’s supposed to and be a dad to their children. He’s not doing either, so she wants other people to know that behind his charming, successful veneer, he’s vile.
It’s a toxic brew of emotions. But the emotions will never affect the sociopath. They will only affect Carla, and possibly her children.
It seems to me that Carla needs to be able to separate what’s going on into four categories: financial considerations, the children, dealing with the ex and her emotional recovery.
Financial considerations
First of all, Carla needs to get her financial situation straightened out. If her ex is supposed to give her 26 accounts, she needs to get that enforced—soon, before the accounts are empty. I hope her attorneys put a time limit on when these accounts are supposed to be turned over, and specified exactly how much money she is supposed to receive. If not, she is in trouble.
Carla cannot allow her ex-husband to pay her bills. By letting him do this, she is allowing him to control her. He is deducting the money from her alimony? He is probably exaggerating the amount of the bills just to pay her less. Plus, he may decide to stop paying the bills, and she would never know it—until the cable service or electric is turned off. Carla must demand that she receive the full alimony, then get her bills in her own name.
Carla did not mention a house and mortgage. If the sociopath’s name is on the house or mortgage, that is a disaster waiting to happen. He may stop paying the mortgage and allow the house to slip into foreclosure. He wouldn’t care, but Carla would have no place to live.
The children
Carla complained that her ex won’t discuss the children with her and won’t offer any assistance as a father. He doesn’t call them during the week and only wants to play with them on his weekends. I’d recommend that Carla use this to her advantage.
Here is the bottom line: Sociopaths are terrible parents. At best, they view children as prized possession. At worst, they actively try to corrupt the children. Therefore, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children, the better.
Carla should actually be grateful that her ex is staying out of their children’s lives as much as he is. She should use her time with the children to shower them with love, nurture them and provide them with healthy guidance. None of that will happen when the boys are with their father. The kids will eventually sense that there is no real bond with the father. As time goes on, they may also witness him moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, and eventually start rolling their eyes at yet another one.
Carla needs to be their rock of stability. She also needs to stop badmouthing the father—even if he deserves it. This is important for two reasons. First is the emotional health of the children—they should not feel in the middle of her issues with the ex. Second, she does not want to give her ex the ammunition to come after her with a parental alienation lawsuit, in which she could lose custody of the boys.
Her best plan of action is the stay neutral about the father. One mother’s standard response whenever her children brought home news of the ex was a noncommittal, “That’s nice.”
Kids are smart. Sooner or later, they will realize that the sociopath cares only about himself.
Dealing with the ex
Carla asks, “Why is he so relentless? Why not leave me alone?”
Divorcing a sociopath is not like divorcing a relatively healthy person that you’ve just grown away from. In a normal divorce, mommy and daddy don’t want to be together anymore, but they can cooperate for the sake of the kids. This is not going to happen with a sociopath.
Sociopaths only want three things: Power, control and sex. Carla and the surgeon have divorced, but that doesn’t mean he has given up his desire for power and control.
Carla says her ex-husband is openly abusing her. She must eliminate his opportunities to do this and go No Contact with this man as much as possible. I don’t know if she is allowing him into her home, but she shouldn’t. The child exchange should be arranged to minimize interaction. Any communications regarding the children should be conducted via e-mail. Phone conversations give him opportunities to abuse her.
The key is for Carla to be strictly business. She must recognize that the sociopath will not play nice. He will do everything possible to avoid paying her. He will continue to manipulate her through the children. She must learn not to react when he baits her. She must learn to be calm and collected, yet make him toe the line on his court-ordered obligations.
Emotional recovery
All of this is pretty raw for Carla right now—the divorce was only three months ago. She is outraged. She is frustrated. Carla misses the status, money, vacations and cozy lifestyle of a surgeon’s wife. She is justifiably angry that he cheated and hid money, and probably still reeling from being devalued and discarded.
Realizing that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath has probably rocked Carla to the core. Nothing was real. Everything was a lie. And plenty of people in the community still believe the lie. This is a massive shock, and it takes time to come to terms with the magnitude of the deception.
Recovery is a process, and there is a lot of information here on the Lovefraud blog that may help Carla:
- She must realize that the ex is a sociopath, and this is the way he lives his life. Nothing she did or didn’t do would make any difference.
- She must realize that she was targeted, probably because of her good qualities.
- She must allow herself to feel her anger, disappointment, grief and even hatred—and then let it all go.
This will take time, and will probably come in waves—a wave of emotion, followed by a wave of calm. Eventually the emotional periods will be shorter, the calm periods will be longer.
Carla is in for many years of aggravation with this man. She needs to get to a point of equanimity, where his antics no longer affect her. When she gets there, no matter what the guy does, Carla wins.
Junkie1, welcome to LoveFraud, most of us here don’t diffrentiate the differences between socio and psycho-paths, with one being successful and one being a loser….the names are debated by even the professionals so most of the time we use them interchangably. You are right though, some of them are very highly functioning and have butt loads of money—Bernie Madoff for example, and others are totally broke couch surfing losers. However, both are just as TOXIC and just as dangerous.
Welcome to LF….
Oxy,
“Couch surfing losers”
Yep. That is another choice phrase I can add to my list. You know I was contemplating this feeling of entitlement that they have. What is that?
A phrase he or other spaths might indulge in…..
What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is me own. Selfish, grandiose, fat, lazy, self serving low life scum bag piece of shiat.
Ahh, that’s better.
Yea, woman, that is what they are….and they have this idea that whatever is yours is theirs to do with as they please….that’s why my son Patrick wanted to kill me so I couldn’t disinherit him. Take away what was HIS because I had worked for it, so therefore it was HIS. LOL even against my will.
Ox,
How absolutely horrendous for you. The fact that you are here helping others rather than lying bitter and twisted somewhere shows you to be such a kind good hearted soul. It’s a big burden you carry. I admire your strength. Just wanted to tell you that Joyce
Hugs to you 🙂
I laughed when I read “couch surfing losers” because it reminded me of something that was said to me by someone that I know, commenting about her spathy son-in-law. She was paying for her daughter’s and grand children’s living expenses, getting her daughter divorced from the hubby. The woman told me that she hopes her soon-to-be ex- son-in-law (who is unemployed, spending most of his time lounging around on a couch all day, watching t.v.) “sinks into the couch.” This lady is a professional woman who cannot understand how this man can not provide for his family, being such a loser.
Thank you strongawoman, believe me I did lie around for quite some time, sucking my emotional thumb and crying 24/7, so you are seeing the “new improved” version of the ox drover! LOL I had my melt downs, notice that is a plural! Melt downS…and it has taken me quite some time to get some sanity back. I want it to have meant something though…not just suffering for the sake of suffering. I want someone to gain from this. Though, actually, I think the lessons have been good for ME in the end.
I just finished the other night watching the DVD movie “Shadowland” about C. S. Lewis’s great love with his wife that was dying with cancer….he had thought about suffering and why God allows it…he said that the chisel that shapes us hurts, but it is what makes us perfect. I’m think he is right. Without suffering, without having to learn things “the hard way” what kind of people would we be? That movie was really well done and I wept and wept and wept, which I have not done at a movie in a long time. Anthony Hopkins is such a wonderful actor.
We can find wonderful lessons in our “experiences” with the psychopaths….
It has been great finding this resource. I stumbled upon it through Google and had recently viewed many videos about narcissistic sociopaths on Youtube. I was horrified at how accurately the videos were describing my ex husband. Now I’m just horrified and afraid that the court won’t see it and that they will think I’m the crazy one.
I married my highschool sweetheart. We were married for ten years and he did have many warning signs that my open-minded self just dismissed. Gambling, questionable sexual deviances, comments like “I would have made a good cop or a good criminal”, an addictive nature to anything, the lack of support for my interests, the wanting to take money from the children to spend on himself, the general lack of involvement for over ten years now with the kids. Then he had an affair, moved in with and married the mistress in between visitations. She is almost as bad as he is. She thinks she “won” something. First him, then she sweet talked his family for awhile, and now she is focusing on the kids. I suspected for a long time that he would eventually go for custody, then he started hinting at it in emails, then his family said he mentioned it a year ago, and now he just mentioned it to our son’s counselor.
He recently brought me to court for supposedly infringing on his rights (he has control issues and doesn’t use the rights he has). After he lied to the magistrate about our son’s counselor, I was able to pull out a letter from the counselor proving that my ex just lied to the court. He wasn’t happy. LOL. He also asked for a GAL to be brought in but I don’t think he realized how indepth the GAL goes. I brought up issues that I think are not appropriate at visitation and the GAL told me that he has a right to parent his way and set rules and such. The kids do a lot of chores on the 2 days they go to their dads. Our son is 8 and I called to say goodnight. He couldn’t talk because he was doing dishes. i called back 45 minutes later and he was just getting done. His knees hurt from sitting on a chair that long. He had to do the knives and greasy pans and stuff.
There have also been instances where they have not been fed, where the stepmother told them that counseling would prevent them from buying a house, where the kids are watching “M” rated video games, etc. Too much to mention. I am good about documentation and am finding it very useful now. The hardest part for me has been learning to not jump up every time he snaps his fingers, even if it is about the kids. I’m a good mom, so I am used to being the “go to” person for anything kid related. I have slowly been weaning myself away from “spoonfeeding him” which is why he dragged me to court. Needs to teach me a lesson. 😉
I feel like so many here….if I could pay him to give up all his rights I would. I wish he would disappear.
Dear WorshipteamB,
Welcome to LoveFraud and might I suggest that you also go to Dr. Liane Leedom’s blog, “Parenting the at risk child” (there’s a link here on LF to it)
Glad you found this place for healing. It is a great resource and there are plenty of people here in your same situation, co-parenting the children with the monster.
Again, welcome! and God bless.
I am so Grateful I cam across this site.
I need to tell my story. I was married for almost 19 years if you count separation time. Something was wrong, he had issues with his sexuality in that he could not typically perform. When I discussed this he stated it was due to molestation. Eventually I found out that his sisters.. were raped by the father, he claimed he was molested by his uncle. I guessed that was cause for his performance issues.
Having come from a divorced home, I tried to be sympathetic. He was a quiet charming guy, blue collar and not very bright. However charasmatic as heck. Everyone enjoyed talking to him and I would be amazed at his ability to hold captive people. In the interim.. we had a child, then another, then another. He began breaking down. He found drugs in our last year, maybe that is what turned him into this because the drug he was on apparently affects the conscience. I found he brought me coffee every day. I drank it and found myself wired. Other time I would sleep and could not get up. He had an affair with the caregiver – who during that time I obtained food poisoning from from human fecal matter. I was so sick I did not know what to do. I called him from our room as he was in the yard laughing with her and her friends. The disease people called the resturaunts I ate at the day before and no other reports were found. By the time they gave me the report I could not put 2 and 2 together. In the meantime, I recall coming from a party with him, I had 1 drink, later i was being forced upon him harshly orally under a neon sign in my company car. How did I get there? What happened. He said I was drunk. Wow I thought, how could that happen. Another day I woke up to him smirking.. he said.. we just had sex how was it.. evidence was there.. and I would lost. Drowsy. Finally I figured it out, he beat me that day. I moved money, shut off credit cards called an attorney. Waited for him to come back from another country he drove to. Served him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I had no clue.. he was a changed person. I am unsure if he was always a sociopath, as I came to find out in my 730 eval he was a sociopath. Whoa . The court was nasty. Ex partes .. and oh my we had friend monitors. He worked them for sure. I looked like a crazy non sharing nutbag parent. He recorded visitation, accused my son of taking his recorder. Later he found it in his truck. I said to the monitor you take one so when the ex parte happens again at least we know what he was talking about. He then turned it on me. Amazing. Anyhow I got sole legal but had overnight visits. Many shows up one night after another stupid ex parte and refuses to let the kids out. I like a dummy go out there, he falls and calls the police and accuses me of DV. That is over. In the meantime his next deal is Parental Alienation, so I have to go see a pas therapist to protect myself and kids.
Luckily at some point my son makes him mad at catching him in being a creep and my son no longer has to go. But my little girls are stuck. They guy is using but the kids never called the police. I cant tell them about drugs or I will alienate. Finally my attorney says you can present them but no one can make them physically go into his car. Dont know how the kids heard this but that is what they did. He then got his friend recorder out in the parking lot. They were yelling at him and saying dont record me. Poor things. Next time I had police there. Then after 3 of those 1 police officer accused me of preventing them from going. Maybe he was mad, I had a nice new mercedes. Somehow I got the house and financially I am reasonably ok. I was lucky to have signed divorce papers 2 times with 2 different notaries in 2 differnt locations. What guy is going to sign over a house then sign it over again with a interspousal.. a dump psy.. anyhow, the worst thing is watching the kids still captive to legal custody. Oh, and he pays partially for a nanny in support and said he wanted contact with the nanny because he is an employer. later the nanny tells my friend he is asking her to go to court say I am a violent alcoholic so he can get the kids, house and money and pay her more. She fell prey to his influence and left with no notice, did not take me to family law court cause I was smart enough to have a concerned friend live with us who would likely be a better character witness in case he decided to do that. Anyhow.. the nanny filed a work comp case. It is false the dummy did not give the right medical history, plus when the alleged fall happened the friend was at my house. And she lied about her day claiming she took the kids to school that morning, but low and behold the familywizard shows.. them with dad from Thurs – Monday afternoon. So you can’t take the kids to school and the come home and do laundry can you? He is so nuts he even had her eventually put his address on her filing papers for the 3rd atty she has hired. No remorse about removing a nanny.. no remorse about her blaming my son for leaving bbs on the floor that never existed. I guess he is getting off on my son going over and saying he is doing a bad thing. He dropped the wizard theough we are under order.. never opened an expense, the 3 kids independently can talk about experience at him home that is dangerous. I have felt stuck because I know he is claiming parental alienation. My girl 12, 10 wil lnot talk to him. My son said hello and is a bit more forgiving. Now the psy has a phone again. However after a bought of texting my ex is stating my son needs to go to therapy with him if he wants to have a relationship with his beloved, barely child support paying, nanny usurping father. The boy finally said, no thank you but thank you for offering LOL LOL. How the hell do you not alienate a self alientating parent? How he feels he can get away with his and have someone even remotely like him is beyond me. Oh did I mention he tore apart my closest relationships with friends during this divorce and I had to get a new job. Luckily we have documented. I think when my kids are a bit older we go into chambers because they want passports for a disney cruise. I am preparing myself for court now with the wacky nanny. Soon I will begin thinking about court with him. Lets give him more rope and let him hang himself. I did the deed after the kids refused to see him and told them there are disorders in the world. I shared with them the sociopath because I thought it would be interesting for them to see a description and see if they said…. that sounds just like… dad. Boy did they ever. I showed them depression they said it sounds like me. Anxiety.. sounded like me too. He will not follow a single order. Expected the kids to wait hours in parking lots for him. Threatened them with court. What a sad thing for children to be going through. He knows the best way to hurt me is through the kids. I say nothing. I keep informing the ghost account that represents him on the family wizard of dr appointment, expenses, and fun things to share. Oh well.. anyone sharing kids with one, it sounds like I am getting off easy because he is running away. Too busy drugging.
caliomg,
You sound like you are in the trenches of family court and it can be the most abusive experience of life. It also sounds like you are in California. The 730 gave it away along with your login name.
Hang in there and take care of those kids. You are in a better place than a lot of us. I can only wish for a nanny and a mercedes. All my money and career were lost in the court battle.
Know when to lay down your weapons and know when to use them if necessary.
Good luck and welcome to Lovefraud!!!