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‘Coercive control:’ Domestic violence without the physical abuse

Angry psychopathIn an article in the New York Times, writer Abby Ellin explains the concept of “coercive control” a pattern of behavior in which one partner in a romantic relationship dominates his or her partner. She writes:

Coercive control describes an ongoing and multipronged strategy, with tactics that include manipulation, humiliation, isolation, financial abuse, stalking, gaslighting and sometimes physical or sexual abuse.

England and Wales have just passed a law making coercive or controlling behavior a form of domestic violence. The United States should do the same.

With coercive control, the abuse is psychological, on NYTimes.com.

 



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68 Comments on "‘Coercive control:’ Domestic violence without the physical abuse"

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The downside of legal recognition of this very real type of abuse could be that in some cases, because it is somewhat subjective/less concrete, spaths will twist the truth and accuse their victims of being the perpetrator of this type of abuse.

Yep there it is!! He gets you so crazy that your sending psycopath text out of complete desperation and boom you look like the nut job! When everyone who knows and loves you knows what he’s done to you and can do nothing to help you so they they just stand by and let you self destruct powerless to help because how can they?

I literally feel like Satan has got some kinda hold on me! Nothing I can do I have begged God to help me rebuked the Devil till I’m blue in the face. Running out of strength!!

My personal theology is that I believe in good and evil as defined by God in the Bible, and I believe in the existence of a real spirit world, including Satan. I believe Satan is an evil being with a motivation to harm and destroy good people. I perceive that God answered my prayers and saved me from greater harm at the hands of my ex psychopath (whom I met in Church). I learned some important spiritual lessons, and I eventually came to understand some of the reasons why God allowed me to go through that trial.
A wise minister counseled me to read the Psalms when I was going though a very bad time at the hands of my ex psychopath, and I did find comfort in the Psalms.
If you lack strength, pray for God to give you strength. He is the source of our strength (Isaiah 40:29, 2 Cor 12:9-10, Isaiah 40:31, Psalm 119:28, Philippians 4:13).
According to James 4:7, God promises that if we submit to God and resist the devil, Satan will flee from us. There is a lot of power in what we do. It is most helpful to be sure that we are doing all that we know to do to get away and stay away from anyone who tries to harm us, who lies, cheats, and otherwise does wrong.
It sounds like you are going through the worst time; I know it is unbelievably painful, confusing, and just horrible. It will get better; you will have happiness again and you will have a good life. It does take time to rebuild. Most victims are significantly harmed psychologically, spiritually, financially, physically, emotionally and intellectually. It’s a lot to recover from.

Coercive control factors heavily in cases of C-PTSD. When abuse is overt and obvious, we can readily recognize what’s happening. When it’s covert, we ignore malicious behavior and give the benefit of the doubt….. until our self-esteem has been ripped away.

I could not agree more I spent 4 years just trying to fix it. (giving the benifit of the doubt) It’s not abuse, I can change it if I change how I react! Read book after book on how to be the best person I could be. I just could not take the complete 180 that he did. from a loving patent person to a cold mean man. the mind twisting conversations made me doubt my own sanity luckily I have lot’s of family and friends and did not have any trouble ever communicating with them so I never let him convince me I did not remember things right. He got mad cuz I “did not believe him” no I straight up see gas lighting….. I’m not stupid. (any time someone tries to bend/change your reality) I also yes had my self esteem chipped away that is bound to happen when the honeymoon or love bombing is so extraordinarily wonderful. then all of a sudden you can’t do anything right. there are new things they will allow and won’t allow. They act annoyed by everything you do. you only want to please him and when you realize it’s impossible it makes you hate yourself, feel like you failed who you loved most, doubt your own instincts, and your attractiveness. You don’t know your at rock bottom until you can see how he can twist you into a totally different person in just 2 min of talking and mind screwing going nowhere conversations!

Yup, you nailed it! They stir the romantic chemistry to get you hooked. As they chip away at your self esteem, you strive to regain that “loved” feeling you had while they were “charming” you. Little did you know, it was all a smoke screen to hide who they really were!

So glad you’re on the recovery side of that relationship! Stay strong!

Joyce

Yep and it truly sucks when you realize your so obsessively addicted to them and they can just go find another sucker to con and you gave your whole heart and thought that you had found where you’d be forever. Not to mention the subliminal things they somehow put in your head that make you panic being away from them when their just fine. They are not having to fight back feelings. my case is so hard because he would fight with me and confuse me so much or refuse to give me any emotional reassurance, but plenty of seeds were planted to make me insecure that I could not take it anymore and leave. Then he would say he can’t do this anymore never knowing when I’m gonna leave him. (Pity card) I would tell him exactly what I need which was not much. He could never do anything to make me feel better. Refused said he was not playing these games! Then I panic which I am sure he knows very well the ways he has made sure I’ll do that. (Although the experts claim they don’t know they are doing it) I have my reservations there. Because I told him I am tired of all the stupid rules that change half the time and being ordered and commanded around for no reason! He said to me and I quote “fine then find someone who is loving and caring and will love you or be celibate your Intire life I really don’t care what you do” that hurt. All I told him is I wanted to feel special to him again. Not treated like dirt that could only call or text when he says and the best thing he could say anymore about how he felt about me was “your here aren’t you.” Well I want to feel loved and adored and that’s who I married things were wonderful. They have got to have it all planned out because from the start he said if you never change I’ll never change (I thought it was odd to constantly say that) I know now it was a setting the scene thing cuz the minuet he started acting mean. He started telling me I changed. He stopped getting me cards and flowers and said I did not appreciate them like before and that’s why. He took everything away little by little until there was nothing but empty I love you’s left with no action of love at all! Everything was all me though he would catch himself completely blaming me and would switch quick to “you know I always said it takes two.” I was the only one feverishly trying to make things work. He would claim partial responsibility but then I would say what I could do better and ask him what he needed to work on and he’d say I can’t list things like you. In other words his partial responsibility was just lip service. I can remember he use to say he was sorry when he was out of line. Then it went to if you’d drop it (when half the time it was retarded and should not have been happening anyway) I will say I’m sorry when I cool down. (Cool down from a senseless argument you start ok) so like a good submissive wife I would start dropping it on command (he’d start it he’d command it to stop) the first maybe 3 times he stuck to his word and said he was sorry. For the last 2 years he would command me to drop it and I could just suck it all in and never hear the words I’m sorry. I however apologized even when I didn’t know what I had done. I am not saying I was perfect but over 90% of my actions were literally stoaked, provoked, and even created by him. Like I was not even the jealous type when he met me and he literally changed that by planting reasons then provoking me to ask questions then when I asked just cuz he was hinting so hard I thought he wanted me to. He would scream at me your so jealous and insecure. I was like no I just really thought you wanted me to ask as much as you were hinting. Fast forward 4 years and I actually have real emotions of jealousy he honed them. UNBELIEVABLE I did not know how I was being molded. It’s all too bizarre to believe. I am in a panick wanting to go over there now and it does not help he lives right across the street. The thing that made the real jealousy come to life was seeing he was looking on POF he says when we were OFF (which in his defense we could have been) hell it feels like my heads been in a blender for 4 years! either way it showed me he was quite ok with replacing me and between that and all the porn my trust was very shaky. I no long felt loved and adored and really had a hard time making love to him because in the back of my head I wondered if it was safe and I felt he did not deserve my body anymore. (Plus he said I was getting too skinny and he was not attracted to me anymore) he never said I was pretty, beautiful, really never said anything nice about me anymore no matter how hard I tried to build him up. I got nothing in return I was emotionally starving. Oh well I guess someone else will be now he’s probably already started talking to her! It only took a week and he found someone last time we split (he says he told he wanted to be strictly friends) I don’t know what to believe I know they had sexual contact but his 270lb male ass claimed he was not willing… yet he was the one that performed the favor (he says just to shut her up) oh hey did I mention I have some ocean front property in AZ for sale….that’s how I’m buying that!!
Sorry to unload everything hurts hurts hurts and the worst part is I am soooo afraid to ever trust again and even worse then that I don’t like how defensive and anxious I have become totaly self-conscious! Because he started trying to convince me no one really liked me they just put up with me, I walked all over everybody, and he was the only one who cared about me enough to tell me the truth about myself! About 3 weeks after we were married (By everyone he was referring to friends I’d had for 15+ years even 25years in some cases and my parents who I am extremely close to) I immediately asked everyone they immediately saw he was trying to tear me down cuz I was a complete wreck thinking I was this rude out of control maniac and just never knew it. They assured me ,but it did not matter it got in my head everything he said and I feel uncomfortable talking to people now and feel like I am bothering them. He constantly said I was rude, don’t use common sense, over react you name it I did it wrong. I literally hate me now cuz I just wanted him to always love me and Everything he picked apart and criticized has stuck in my head!

Your ex sounds a lot like my ex psychopath. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was a sadist, and enjoyed others’ pain at his hands. He enjoyed the power and control. Before I understood his motivations, I noticed that if he learned something hurt or upset me, he would do it more. That was the first red flag I understood. At the time, I wasn’t aware of other red flags, such as moving the relationship along too quickly. He was talking ‘marriage’ on our second ‘date.’

His criticisms of you have nothing to do with you. He insults or praises people according to whatever he thinks it will get for him that he wants, often power and control and a sadistic payoff in the case of insults. His pointless untrue unhelpful criticisms reflect what he is – a liar and an abuser.

I’ve found it’s taking me a long time to undo the damage my ex spath did to my self esteem. I lack confidence and feel paranoid about what others think of me, in ways I never did before the spath experience.

Wanting him to always love you is good and right, and feeling that way works very well in a relationship with a man of good character. You can be well pleased with yourself for being a loving committed person.

Mine was talking marriage on the first date! I noticed he’d do things he knew would hurt me so I tested it to make sure I was right and sure enough he jumped at the chance. He had already said to me though “I only said that cause I knew it would hurt you.” I sad “what why?” He said “you know how you think about what would hurt someone most to win when your mad?” And I said “No I don’t know I don’t do that” I never saw any winning in an argument anyway I just wanted to solve it. I said “I don’t know anyone who does that” he said “Oh what ever it’s normal everybody does it” I honestly think that he does think he’s normal. He has no clue his Dad is the exact same way I think that is why he is. I am panicking very badly tonight and I know it’s wrong but I can’t get it to stop! In his case I think he thinks he’s normal cuz his whole family is like it. Well his Dad and his Brother anyway. I feel sorry for his mom she has been married to it for 50 years she has seen a psychiatrist for years and takes all kinds of med’s. I will never forget when I realized his Dad was the problem. I was talking on the phone with him and he said something about having dealt with His drinking for years and going through hell with it, and I said “I know” just as a common phrase anyone would use lightly in my experience and he jumped down my throat and started yelling what do you mean you know you don’t know you were not here! (I had heard all about it was all I meant) I said “let me tell you something I do know you and your son are the only two people in my 36 years on this planet that ever attacked me over a simple phrase like that. I now know where he get’s it ,and I know why your wife stays zoned out on pills” he did not care to much for my honesty.

Hi Ladybugg, I’m so glad you came here tonight to vent. I’m sorry that you are “panicking”…feel your emotions try to narrow down exactly what triggered you tonight.

Hi Ladybugg, you GET him….you see who he is & his father…these are huge steps in healing. Know that you are going to get through your emotional pain. It’s scary & it’s draining to feel all these emotions that are percolating up. Keep writing down your feelings either here on in a journal or a simple piece of paper.

As I read your post I was thinking to myself you are much further along then most in regards to analyzing what you have read about sociopath abuse and relating it to your relationship. Good job!!

What ever you do dont stuff these feelings down. This is part of the healing process.

We are here for you!! 💚

Take care.

It’s really always the same thing I don’t want it to be over I just want my husband loving man I married back. He has widdled it down to nothing I should just feel happy to be there and you know what it worked I am not content any where else and when I am away I am scared he is with someone else because if I had enough I’d tell him to act like he cared and of coarse he wouldn’t just sit there stone faced while I begged well I would have no choice but to go and he’d be right on that internet trying to meet someone. Instead of saying “he is sorry and he does care” but he’d let me back and I’d see he was looking or I saw a pic in his phone once of him taken by someone else and I said “what’s this?” He said “oh I had Connie take a couple pics of me” and I said “ok so did you take the profile down then or is it still up?”
And he’d say I deactivated it when you came back of coarse I had no right to be mad because I left. He never changes anything doesn’t have to knows I’ll come crawling back. Shows me how replaceable I am and makes me feel like shit and I’m suppose to be comfortable with that!

I had that conversation with his Dad back in 2013 I have known since then I still can’t help how I feel though😔

The way yo feel is normal and right and natural, and it works well in good relationships. The panic and the pain of betrayal you feel now is a normal response to being abused and betrayed and gaslighted.
I understand how you feel that you want your good husband back. The horrible truth is that it was fake and it was a lie. He faked being a good man who cared about you in order to manipulate you into giving him what he wants. If he cared he would treat you differently. It’s a horror to think about and to understand. It’s pure evil.
Even if it was all fake, it’s still a loss to you. You have lost your loving husband, and it is normal to grieve that loss. It’s a big loss.

Ten years before I met the psychopath, I was widowed from a good man who truly loved me and was committed to our marriage. The loss of the fake loving husband that the psychopath portrayed was no less a loss for me to grieve. It was more complicated, and I didn’t get quite as much support as I did when I was widowed, although my closest friends and family were very supportive of me.

AnnettePK is correct the way you are feeling is normal. 🙁

I was the same way emotionally…I wanted my h (now ex) to be normal…to act normal. He cheated on me and then blamed me. When I finally left him he has at least 3-5 women from two different states.

With time Ladybugg you will get to a point you WILL be happy that he found someone knew because that new woman helped set you FREE from the abuse he was doing to you.

I know right now it does not feel like you will have a happy life without him but again with time you will see that you will have a BETTER life without him. No more walking on egg shells when he is around, no more confusion, no more emotional abuse

JUST PEACE & CALMNESS.

I promise you this day will come…you just have to be kind to yourself and very patient and feel your feelings and figure out what triggers you so that you will know in the future how to deal with these triggers.

If you need to call the National Domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counselor. They too have been where you are emotionally tonight. In the USA 800-799-SAFE.

HUGE HUGE HUGS TO YOU TONIGHT!! 💚

Are you safe from your ex physically? Is it possible that the panic you feel is fear of something he might do to you?

That’s just it I can’t see what he ever got from me financially nothing really he is a hard working man and he is the only one working. He never has seen a dime of my money (which is only disability) as far as I know he has not cheated on me. Most of that crap was just to make me think you better stay or else I will. With the exception of this last time I was gone for 2 months and he was with this one girl which I planned on being gone for good so technically not cheating. He wanted me with him all the time this is really the way this man thinks marriage is suppose to be because it’s the way his parents marriage was. Sad really…he gains nothing from me but knowing someone thinks the world of him even when he pushes her around and pretends to act like he thinks I think he’s horrible and all this stuff I don’t say! He’s constantly accusing me of offending him when I am not trying to. Get this I have never even told him I think he’s abusive. The only thing I have done is express how the things he does hurts me and the things he doesn’t do anymore hurts me!
That to him his saying he’s horrible. He himself has told me he is void of emotion and I say he acts like he has no feelings and he gets pissed! Oh and when he try’s to make up differant stories of how things went and I don’t agree I am calling him a liar I say no that just means I do not recall it the same and since I have no trouble recalling things with anyone else I am not gonna say oh your right I must be remembering wrong! He even said the other night on the phone nothing’s is resolved because you have not once agreed with me and said I’m right. I would ask him a question and he’d side step it there was no conversation where I could agree or disagree it was nothing but him hanging up on me cuz he did not like what I said. Constantly saying it’s over or he’s not doing this anymore. Accusing me of this and that then he’d talk nice just to wham yell I’m trying to eat and watch T.V. When he never said anything about it before the minuet he says something like that by the way if I don’t shut up instantly I am being rude and not caring what he’s doing!

It sounds like he is an extreme narcissist. And it sounds like he says things that he knows are not true, and if he is willing to do that he is a liar. It also sounds to me that he is creating the arguments with you by playing cat and mouse with you, leading you through a crazy dance.

Whatever his motivations are, he does not choose to do things that are in your best interest, that demonstrate a commitment to your well being, and that contribute to your and his mutual spiritual growth and the security and intimacy of the marriage. He does not act as though he cares about your emotional, spiritual, psychological, and physical health and well being.

It sounds like you have told him what your needs are and you have tried to explain reality to him. It sounds like you have done all you can do.

Consider if your ex can behave normally and nice when it suits him, perhaps to other people and perhaps to you when there’s someone around he wants to impress. If he really was clueless about how to treat you well, he’d probably be incapable of doing some things he does just fine.

You might consider that if your ex’s behavior doesn’t make sense, even in the context of the sociopath disorder, there may be some factor you are unaware of. I found out 4 or 5 years into the fake ‘marriage’ that my ex psychopath does child porn, cross dressed, and generally was not even interested in adult women. He’s basically not even heterosexual. He married both his ‘wives’ because he aspired to the ministry in the church we attend, and he used us to give people the impression that he is a normal nice man of good character. He is a sadist and a pathological liar. No one could believe that he is a pedophile and a cross dresser, because he does such a good job of hiding it.

It’s a lot of work and very tiring emotionally to grieve what you have lost and to try and figure out the insanity. You might try to spend some time every day resting from thinking about him, and focus on something else.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

all the shyt youre saying about his actions and words I lived. IOW, hes not loving you, he’s not being a jerk, he doesnt have issues…he’s being a classic narc/borderline. they are textbook.
never ever speak to him again.
or keep on and keep hurting.
hard words Im sorry, but TRUTH.
(((hugs)))

Ladybugg, sociopaths live a double and sometimes a triple life. So you might not think that he has cheated but maybe he has (obviously I dont know). What I do know is that my ex cheated and during my marriage I though he cheated more then once but he had my mind so twisted up I could not see things clearly.

When I left I sat on a counselors couch and told her that I thought he cheated 8-12 times. She said it was problamly more like 3 to 4 times that as that is exactly what sociopaths do…they have endless affairs. Not saying your ex is this way but think back to see if there was any time that you felt like he had cheated or he was on his phone endlessly.

One of the times I left him and went to a friends how without telling him was two days before our anniversary. On our anniversary he took a woman he met the night before out to dinner. YEP on our anniversary…he did not care about me or our marriage. But I was so emotional that I could not see that I was being emotionally abused.

Even though he took this woman out he still was begging for me to come back. And once I got on the phone with him he sucked me back in. No way before him would I EVER put up with the crap he dished out to me.

But sociopaths train us to accept their horrible behavior. Your ex trained you Ladybugg.

Write down on a piece of paper or here why you should leave him include on their that he is out with another woman right now.

Ladybugg, when dealing with a sociopath you will never be right ever even when you are right.

They will aways twist and turn everything around for fun…they get a quick out of confusing people. Your ex is playing a manipulative mind game with you every time you talk with him.

This is why the no contact rule works…it allows you to clear your mind and see EVERY thing he is doing to screw with your mind.

You will never have a normal conversation or discussion to fix your relationship.

Overtime you talk with him on the phone you will end up on the Hamster Wheel spinning to Nowheresville.

The conversation will just go round and round until you just get mentally exhausted. This is what they want once you are exhausted he will have control over you again mental. They are masters at these mind games.

I knew my h was screwing with my mind once I left him for good. And I knew instinctively not to answer the phone or answer a text, email because emotionally it made me feel a emotional mess.

I then just stopped even though at that point I did not know about the No contact rule. Once I stopped not easy when you are going throw a divorce I took back my control over my mind and my life.

Ladybugg, one of the things I did when I first left my ex h when I got triggered like you tonight was READ everything up at the top of Lovefraud and watched the Videos up at the top too over and over. It would remind me why I left him…it would open my mind up from my h brain washing. It really does work.

When I got angry I read every thing again, when I was sad I read everything again, when I sobbed I read.
Also look at the site

Psychoapthyawareness. wordpress. com it’s full of good info also.

Please know that you deserve so much better then what you were settling with, with him. He will not treat his next vicim any differently then he treated you.

Hugs to you 💚

I know you are all trying to help but I don’t know what I am gonna do I will probably go back over there tomorrow and beg again to be taken back just to end this feeling I hate it!! I can’t stand it I literally want to pull out my own hair!! It’s crazy I have said for years this man had to have put some bad mojo on my ass or something!! I can’t sleep my body literally crawls and it’s all I can do to not just go over there now or at 6:30 when he get’s up and talk to him. It’s all about ending this feeling!! He is not letting me come back over there this time anyway “it’s all my fault” for leaving he says and It would take a good few months to fix things this time. I said oh ya you think I am gonna just trust that you won’t be with someone else while you won’t let me come over there! He says see you din’t trust me so why do you care! I did he is the one who made me think I couldn’t I honestly think he just sits over there knowing it’s torturing me is enough for him he does not need anyone else. He’s just seeing how far he can push me over the edge. By refusing to see me. Just like him refusing to text then calling hanging up on me. Getting me upset by something he said but then he said no more text so I was suppose to stop and not say anything back to him. Well I sent one more text about his text and then I am being rude and I never care what he wants. Then I stopped texting just to have him call as soon as I was call and hang up on me again not liking what I said. …just to repeat the scenario twice more and all I wanted was for him to let me come over and he wouldn’t.

Ladybugg,

I hope you got some rest last night.

It is likely that he is listening to your songs to gain insights into how to manipulate you, not because he cares about your music.

The way you are feeling is normal. People, women in particular, are programmed/created to have monogamous relationships. The reason cheating is wrong is because it hurts one’s partner and destroys trust.

You recognize that you naturally feel bad about the thought of him being emotionally or physically intimate with other women. It is normal that you feel that way; and it works well in a marriage to a good man.

It sounds like your ex is doing everything he can to stir up your natural feelings and to cause you to feel over the top anxiety. He is deliberately making you feel this way by hinting that he’s cheating or going to cheat. He is emotionally torturing you. He is not choosing to keep his marriage vows nor to reassure you that he will keep them so that you will feel secure. He is not cherishing you nor loving you, which he likely promised to do unconditionally when he married you. He is engaging in torture sports with you as a victim. That is why you feel so horrible – he is doing it to you on purpose. Like my ex psychopath, he chooses to hurt you because he likes to do it. There is no reason for him to change, because the reasons that normal people don’t harm others on purpose don’t have any meaning for him. It is an absolutely horrible truth, the concept still makes me sick. It is evil.

Remember James 4:7, resist Satan and he will flee from you. Satan is using your ex to test you. Remember 1 Cor 10:13, God does not allow Satan to test us beyond what we can overcome. Therefore God knows that you are strong enough and have the resources you need to resist the temptation to go back and allow yourself to be harmed. I know it is an unbelievably strong temptation. Even if it relieves your current pain, it is almost certain things will not get better; and the next round of the cycle will be more painful and more destructive to you. You are valuable, and you are worth protecting from his harming you.

Consider that once you break NC, you can’t undo it; but you can always go back to him. Maybe set a short term goal for yourself – that you won’t contact him today. Tomorrow you can reevaluate.

He is the one who is making you feel that way you do. You will feel better and you will have a good and happy life, but not if you ever interact with him. The sooner you end contact, the sooner you will feel better. That is how it was for me, but I know how hard it is. It took me forever to make the commitment to NC, and I caved several times.

Here’s some info on NC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4uKGp_qvPE

He knows you well enough to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do, which is contact him and beg to get back together. He likely knows when you will come to him wanting to get back together as well as you know.

When you succeed in maintaining NC, he will likely contact you and try to get you to play the victim in his torture sports games. It won’t mean he’s changed. It means he doesn’t want to lose the power and control he feels.
I found Sandra Brown’s (she wrote Women Who Love Psychopaths) guided meditation tape very helpful when I was feeling desperate. It is calming. It helped me get my mind back to thinking the way I want to think, not the way my ex psychopath wanted me to think. It helped me get free of the hypnosis he did on me.

All the pain you feel is because of things your ex chose to do and say. If you don’t have any more contact with him, he can’t cause you any more harm going forward.

Thank you AnnettePK the only thing that makes me crazy is the panic and yes that gets worse not better when I don’t talk to him! I ordered that CD Sat. So ya I hope it does something for me, thank you for all your help.😊

I relate to what you’re going through now. It’s the absolute worst; it’s a horror. Just about everyone here on this site has experienced how difficult it is to get free. It took me forever. It does relieve the pain to get back together, but it’s temporary. Resisting the urge to contact made me stronger, gave me my power over myself back. Feeling better was a slow process. I am now 3-4 years out and I barely remember my ex’s middle name. Now that I am thinking clearly I understand that the only reason I got involved with him was based on his lies and his fake self. If I knew the truth about him and how he really feels about me, I would never have gotten involved. He tricked me on every level, in order to trap me.

I felt like you do, but now I am so glad he’s gone and I regret every second I wasted with him. Time I could have spent with my son, my family, my friends, working, learning, hiking, etc. It was a huge waste.

You might make a list of reasons to go back to him and reasons not to. It may help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.

Thank you sooo much that is why I got the CD there is only one reason now and it would be to get the panicking to stop I can honestly say I know I don’t even love him. I have told him for years he tricked me and if he was who he really was he would not have gotten a second date. Yes I have him blocked again. Who ever told me to get the psycopath free book. Thx Thx Thx cuz One one of things that was making me feel “guilty” was giving up on him abandoning him like his ex. That was all a ploy and he actually abandoned her!! Yes yes yes to the trapped my head constantly been filled with thoughts of being trapped!! It is also part of why I panick that’s part of the trap miserable with him but physically panicky miserable with out him! I have even had thoughts it will never end and the only way out is suicide! I know that is the Devil though I KNOW THIS ALL IS!! GOD has a BIG plan for me I am a country/gospel singer song writer and The DEVIL does not want my God given messages heard he is trying to destroy me in anyway he can.
You guys just keep talking to me and I found another forum through psycopath free so if ya’ll are busy surly I will find someone in another forum to talk to through the panic and I will read psalms too! Thank you for everything if I can just get through this panic I will be fine! That is really all that’s left. That’s a very freeing thought!! Thanks sooo much!!

No I never caught anything like that, never saw anything but when I was gone and that is why I panic cuz I know he is seeing if not talking to someone else!! I even came home when I was supposed to be staying out singing cuz he would say stuff that made me suspicious but he was always alone watching T.V.

Nope shear panic the longer I am gone he’ll move on for good and I have no clue why I even care. He’s not even my type never has been I always felt I was settleing. He did these over the top grand gestures and just won my heart though. I tried to kick him to the curb a couple of times ,but he was so destroyed and showed/proved he would do ANYTHING to show how much he loved me. That ended immediately after we got married. Yes you are right though he does put on a show infront of others toward me he got tired of doing it so he made it so he would not come to my parents house (which they hate everything about him and what he does to me anyway) he also completely quit going out with me at all. Shows absolutly no interest in my music to me. But then I saw he anonymously subscribed to my Utube channel I asked why he couldn’t act like he was interested to me! He said you think you know everything so I just let you think what you want. I ask him to listen to a song I just cut he goes out of his way to act uninterested!

@Ladybugg

Certainly you will do what you choose but I really suggest you take up running (even if that is crawling, assuming you are as out of shape as me — ha ha). Everytime you begin to consider going back RUN! That is what I’m doing. Everytime you get jealous thinking of him with another woman RUN!!

Deep down you believe it is you and if he pretends another woman is making him happy you will feel you failed. You remember the luring stage. They are not happy, you were not what they told you, it was all lies to get this deep into you they can destroy you because that is the only pleasure they can feel.

Let’s assume for one moment he has no diagnosis of a personality disorder of any type. Instead he’s just a miserable human who after he proved to himself he could get you is psychologically dismantling you bit by bit.

Thirty one years into this marriage with my problem he’s isolated me completely. I have never met my grandchildren etc….. He has never laid a hand on me, violently. Matter of fact the ‘love of my life’ has deliberately not touched me in 12 years, no sex, no hand holding, nothing. He drove my children away, my friend and my family. I exist in complete and utter isolation. The only sound I hear is a TV.

I am completely alone now and feel as if I am insane (by his design most of the time). My children refuse to talk to me or help in any way. I have zero other human contact.

This can be your future too if you embrace someone so miserable that the only joy they get from life is from tearing the wings off flies.

I hope you are stronger than I was. I hope you can get away.
Good luck

Dear anyone,
What you said about getting a hobby and if you don’t get away you will be left with nothing resonates with me. I realized that if I didn’t leave the spath for good I would have no children, no friends in my life, no chance of happiness and would only know frustration, anger, panic and fear. Leaving wasn’t easy it required dismantling my entire life. I had a lot of fear and uncertainty at first (I still do but it doesn’t consume me). When I felt frustrated over his latest cruel act or the fact my divorce is at a standstill I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I make myself focus on something else by removing myself from an environment which fosters negative feelings. I always come home feeling much better than if I stayed at home and stewed in my negative emotions.

thank you for the advise Becomingstrong!

Hi Anyone, your post breaks my heart. Hugs to you!

I just want you to know that the isolation that the sociopath does is one of the worst mind manipulation they do. But I also want you to also know that you can connect with the outside world. Dont let your husband control your mind…break free from his control by reaching out to the outside world. Connecting to the outside world is like a bird escaping a cage.

PLEASE dont stay in your abusers isolation world. Reach out.

Go to church even if you are not religious just sitting in the church during a Sunday mass will help you connect with people or Join a church group or you can go to the site Meetup. com and find a club, organization or group to join so that you have contact with the outside world.

Meetup. com is a free site that list clubs, organization and groups in your community. I would suggest that you join a all female group since you are vulnerable right now. If you had a hobby or dreams of doing some type of craft then join that type of group or a dinner group etc.

I would also suggest that you contact your local abuse center and go to free counseling and women group meetings. This is a good way to have emotional support for what you are enduring on a daily bases. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline to also talk with a free counselor and they can provide the phone numbers for your local abuse center.

In the USA The National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE…out side the USA just google your countries name with the words National Domestic Violence hotline.

The stress that a vicim is under daily causes many physical & mental issues with our bodies and will cause depression & anxiety just to name a few. Depression & anxiety will slow your brain functioning down.

You should consider a full physical including testing for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency and hormonal balancing. These are all issues that will keep a vicim of abuse “stuck” in their mindset. Once tested the doctor will know which vitamins & minerals & hormonal balancing to give you and you will be shocked at how your mindset will give you a positive outlook once again and give you the clarity to find the door out of your marriage.

Look into an ***Endocrinologist doctor*** to test you for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance. For me this was a God sent when I first left my h (now ex h).

Google:

DrLam. com (see his symptoms list)
Adrenalfatigue. org (see his symptoms list)

“Dr Amen depression you tube” to watch his video. (google words in “ “)

“Dr Amen PBS you tube” (google all the worlds to watch his video)

Dr Amen has many books on healing the brain…your local library might have some and also they are on amazon & his site Amenclinic. com

Keep reaching out here to share more of your story with all of us. WE HEAR YOU ANYONE!!

Hugs to you!! 💚

Wishing you all the best. Take care.

Ladybugg-

You’re totally correct about running, or doing any kind of physical activity that raises your endorphins. Our neuropeptides and hormones control our emotions. Even when we suffer severe psychological damage, we can bring ourselves into a better state of mind by physical exercise.

Another excellent activity for people who’ve experienced deep-rooted emotional pain is yoga. You might find the blog, Love, Life, Om very helpful.

When I’m not writing or blogging, I’m a tennis pro (and real estate broker) in real life. Playing and teaching tennis literally saved my life! If I’m really upset about something and can’t find a friend to play with, I hook my Australian Shepherd to his leash and play fetch with him against the handball wall. I created a little game. If I hit the ball 5 times in a row, I get the point. If he catches it before I get to 5, he gets the point. Guess who usually wins!

Here’s another recommendation to get you back into human contact… find a volunteer organization that you can help out with. It could be a soup kitchen, a church store, a museum. Whatever it is, it’ll put you back into human contact, make you feel good about yourself, and probably open the door to new friendships.

Like you, I’m estranged from my son. Not a day goes by without my suffering that loss. There is nothing you can do to change the mindset of people. But you can build yourself a meaningful life that does not include them. It’ll put their role in your life in much better perspective.

Wishing you all the best!
Joyce

Believe him when he says he has no emotions and believe that he has not feelings toward you or anyone else. I was married to a man like this and he almost killed me by making me think I was the crazy one. Everyone thought he was the perfect husband because he pretended to be in public. I got out but I had children with him so he has haunted my life for 50 years. He is not capable of loving anyone so run as fast as you can. He moved out of our house to live with another woman and I was grateful for her taking him off of my hands. We had been separated before and he kept tying to come back and make me feel sorry for him. This kind of abuse is worse than physical abuse. I have experienced both.

yes ma’am Delores that is what he is trying to make me think and everyone else! he in the past has riled me up to get me going over text. I then found saved pictures of our text in his computer. I asked him why. I said “I can see no reason with good intent to keep them.’ he said ‘you are not in my head you don’t know how I think.” I know it was just to try to make me look bad later. I had the same thing with him acting perfect to. he’ll act that way till the mask comes off! then he avoids them.

Ladybugg,

I have been where you are. It is terrible to feel like you have to be with such a bad person, but you have been groomed and nurtured to feel this way even when he was bad to you. Do as the others above have said, walk, run, do yoga, get a hobby. The longer you are away from him the clearer your thinking will be. It isn’t going to happen quickly, but it will eventually be less intense. It has been 2.5 years for me and once and awhile I feel panicked about wanting to see him or feel sorry for him. It never lasts long and I have to remember how bad it was and remember how much better my life is now. Then I am ok again or I go for a walk or a run.

Be strong sister. Even if you go back, it won’t be over. You have to make it over. No contact would be best.

Thank you Learningtoolate
I just learned that there are two types of yoga that help best to restore the over all natural health of our body’s (our adrenaline gland function,immune system, as well as nerveous system) they are AIYA yoga therapy and restorative yoga. I am hoping to get started soon!!

Donna your test comment came to my inbox notifications but I can not find it in the forum…just so you know. Thank you so much to everybody I have not had any contact what so ever with him since Monday when I sent him that text and email. Blocked him and have not read any trash emails! If I see his address I just delete it and do not read one word I know even if it’s nice It will turn to poison later!!
Everyday I notice things he has changed about me. Made me so defensive, and I have been coming off argumentative because of it. I think allot “I hate who I have become” today has been good though!😊I am waiting for my restorative yoga stuff to get here and working on myself. I hope everyone is doing ok! Have a blessed Sunday. As I said before I check email quite often so if anyone needs to talk I will be around. Stay strong…we can all do this.

Hi Ladybugg, you are STRONGER then you know! Bravo for Blocking your ex fully!!

Yes, they make changes in us during the relationship but with time, self awareness of your own behavior and making some changes you will return to your old self but even stronger.

One thing I read in this post (and all your post) is you are a kind person…you are going through hell now sorting out your own life but you still have kindness, compassion & respect for all of us. GREAT quality to have Ladybugg!! your core values have not change remember this!!

Wishing you a great Week!! 💜

ps congrats on full No contact since Monday!!

Thank you Jan7 I am trying and I know I am not totaly gone I just see so many reactions I even have with other people that I didn’t and I just want to be happy go lucky. I do know my core values have not been changed I just don’t like the split second reactions at times. Then my core values have me crying in a heap because I think I upset someone (and they always end up saying I thought they were more upset then they actually were) I just have to wait for the hyper sensitivity to go away!! I will be fine…. It will all just take time!!

Ok people’s I am so completely screwed!! I was reading the psycopath free book only to find I can’t even take the personality test! The Myers Briggs one I can’t answer the questions I don’t know. I literally don’t know who I am! That in itself has caused so much anxiety. Where it really doesn’t matter cuz I have done nothing but cry since 5:30 this morning. I know why I can’t answer the questions. Because I am a very literal person and if I answered the way I know I am. It would be a lie to who I am right now! I also can’t lie I am honest to a fault! How could I possibly recover by focusing on this person he created that I hate! I answer with who I was and want to be again and I am lieing!!

Hi Ladybugg, dont forget to breath!!

When you leave a sociopath and open up your mind from all the brain washing and abuse they did to you…it is normal to go into panic mode thinking you dont know who you are…Almost every victim of sociopathic abuse goes thru this emotional pain stage.

YOU ARE NOT LIKE HIM LADYBUGG!!!!

You are normal…you were thrusted into his dysfunctional world were he brain washed you, used gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment installed fear & phobia’s just like a cult leader does to a cult follower…you have escaped and now you are opening your mind up to the truth…It takes time to find yourself again. But you WILL return towards your old self but stronger!!!

it’s scary the emotions you are feeling right now but remember your hormones are all over the place because of the stress you were under during your relationship and now that you left and are finding out the truth..

How do I know you are not like your ex?

Because you show compassion, kindness, EMPATHY for others here on this site!!! Sociopaths do not show these towards others…they do not show empathy!!!

Please dont take that “Personality test”…instead just keep educating yourself on sociopathic abuse and how to spot one and related it to your ex. Keep going to your counselor and contact your local abuse center and GO to the free women group meetings. They will open your eyes to just how your ex manipulated you into doing things like him. But you are NOT like him…keep freeing your mind.

Keep looking at old photos of yourself & your family, share old stories with family & friends, go visit old spots like schools, places you went to before you meet your ex. This will help you to remember who you TRULY are!!

THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING IS NORMAL WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR EX SOCIOPATH….you start question who you are….YOU ARE NOT A SOCIOPATH like he is!! You are a good kind hearted normal person.

You are a normal person who got sucked into a sociopath hell.

Hugs to you!! 💜💜💜 When you start to panic put your hand on your heart and focus on your breathing it will help you to calm down and see that everything is going to be ok.

We are hear for you!! Take care.

How are you defining who you are? By what you do, or how you feel? By what others think of you?

I understand that you feel very insecure about yourself and who you are right now. Like Jan7 says, that is normal when under a spath’s spell. Spaths want their victims to feel that way because it helps them control their victims. Your ex probably worked very hard doing everything he could to diminish and dismantle your sense of self, your boundaries, your likes and dislikes, your goals, your values.

You will get back in touch with your inner strength and your sound mind. It sounds like your core values are intact. You are committed to honesty. That is a rare treasure, especially these days.

Thank you AnnettePK yes I am looking at who I have been lately because of him and to think his favorite thing to say was “I can’t make you feel or act anyway” and therapist say that to so I believed it! Bull dunkey!! His provoking and suggestions (trancing) what ever most certainly did cause out of the norm feelings and actions so a therapist can say that, but they better be sure they know what they are dealing with. This level of brain washing changes a person and yes they are doing it!
I have a good therapist now he says you never had these reactions before him right? No him… they will go away!! So I am feeling tons better today thank you all for your sweet compassionate words. Oh and You say honesty is a treasure he absolutly hated that I was honest. He use to say “you use the truth as a weapon” well honey if the truth feels like a weapon to you. You must not be happy with it! UNBEILEVABLE!!

That he found honesty threatening made me think of Ephesians 5:10-18. The first item of the Armor of God for the purpose of defending ourselves against the devil’s schemes (verse 6), is the Belt of Truth, (verse 14), that is honesty.

he always spoke with a forked tongue that is the scripture that kept running through my head “beware of those who speak with a forked tongue.” heard that over and over in my head!

those are some awesome scriptures too though I will keep them in mind thanks AnnettePK!!

Where is the ‘forked tongue’ verse? I’m not familiar with it.

I will find it I don’t have it memorized.😊

I searched for it, but couldn’t find it in the NKJV nor the KJV.

Psalm 64:2-3 expresses the concept.
“Hide me from the secret plots of the wicked, From the rebellion of the workers of iniquity,
Who sharpen their tongue like a sword, And bend their bows to shoot their arrows—bitter words,”

Actually I thought It was a scripture because when I heard it over and over again it was said the same! Beware of those who speak with a forked tongue.
I just did an Internet search on “Bible verses on warning against forked tongue” There are all sorts of lessons on it!
Apparently it is deeper then I thought and the Holy Spirit was trying to warn me! It actually is about people who hurt people and tear them down with their words and then turn around and claim to love God and know God!! Wow I am blown away right about now. I have not yet read the exact words but now I know why I constantly heard it! God was warning me!! Read on it! It also confirms this man was very evil as he pretended to be a believer! Yet he once told me “I don’t want to strive to be Christ like and never said I Did” if I find a actual scripture I will tell you I am reading😊 Thank you for asking me. I always just took it to mean someone that contradicts them self. Look up the search in quotations and read on it and you will be learning as I am what God was trying to say to me about this individual! I should have looked it up sooner! The words sounded like they were strait out of the bible so I just assumed I must have read it!

https://biblemeditationshop.wordpress.com/2009/11/08/32-forked-tongue/

The best one I found wow was I in the presence of evil. I am blown away!!

Ok found an actual scripture with forked tongue in it psalms 98:1
Say’s it all I think….the forked tongue is literally the Devil’s tongue!

I relate to the passage in James about sweet and bitter waters from the same spring – if there’s bitter words, then the ‘sweet’ words are fake and mean nothing. When my ex psychopath contradicted himself, I would tell him that one of his statements has to be a lie.

I believe in a real spirit world, and the evil powers behind spath behavior. They choose to do what they do, and if one chooses wrong, evil spirits/demons will support it. Satan means ‘adversary’ and he is the enemy of everything and everyone good.

God understands spath behavior, and gives us the tools to resist and overcome it. Several of the psalms describe spath behavior and spath motivations very well.

Are you sure Psalm 98:1? I see this: “Oh, sing to the LORD a new song! For He has done marvelous things; His right hand and His holy arm have gained Him the victory.”

Yes I am seeing that and they were the very same ones that reminded me of mine at the time and the verse I just gave you does not actually say that. What I read was actually what the lesson was teaching it to mean I was reading the lessons on forked tongue and it all disappeared! Phone went blank!! I was reading a really good one too!
Yes if I had a quarter for everytime I said “you can’t have it both ways so which is it?” A walking talking life of contradictions and yes I agree with you. I have learned allot about spiritual war fair and how to rebuke the Devil his Demons and break strongholds in the last year! My mother always said my ex was put here as a tool of Satan to destroy me! Have a blessed day hon my back is killing me!!

Sorry about your back! I’ll pray for healing for you.

Thank you!! I tried to sleep woke up panicking from nightmares all about him and not going over there! I was over there at the apartment complex he lives in in the dream. I was trying to dial his number on my phone and it would not work I kept hearing a dog barking in the phone, it was crazy!! By the end of the dream I was standing in the breeze way of his apartment screaming thinking I have to get all of this out of me…what a night mare!! I just wish I had never ever met him!! I am tired of the nightmares I am gonna do the hypnosis CD again! I swear when I have those nightmares it feels like I am in hell and can’t escape. It was just a dream I have to try and ground myself now!!

I hope you got some sleep even after the nightmare. Sounds disturbing.

I listened to the relaxation CD every night when I was ready to go to sleep. Sometimes I’d fall asleep before it was over. It took awhile for my brain to reprogram, but the positive changes were lasting. The relaxation suggestions are what I wanted to tell myself and what I know is true. All the negative things the spaths tell us about ourselves over and over are not true, but it still gets inside our mind.

Soooo true I thought I was soooo smart and I was picking up on what did not make sense but he was using those confusing arguments to plant things about me. like that I am jealous, argumentative, he would say that I was something every time he talked with word salad it stuck in my head and I did not even know it! I have listened to the CD during the day. I will try it if I have trouble sleeping. I slept great last night no night mares at all😊

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