In an article in the New York Times, writer Abby Ellin explains the concept of “coercive control” a pattern of behavior in which one partner in a romantic relationship dominates his or her partner. She writes:
Coercive control describes an ongoing and multipronged strategy, with tactics that include manipulation, humiliation, isolation, financial abuse, stalking, gaslighting and sometimes physical or sexual abuse.
England and Wales have just passed a law making coercive or controlling behavior a form of domestic violence. The United States should do the same.
With coercive control, the abuse is psychological, on NYTimes.com.
Not Knowing About Sociopaths = Big Red Flags Missed
The downside of legal recognition of this very real type of abuse could be that in some cases, because it is somewhat subjective/less concrete, spaths will twist the truth and accuse their victims of being the perpetrator of this type of abuse.
Yep there it is!! He gets you so crazy that your sending psycopath text out of complete desperation and boom you look like the nut job! When everyone who knows and loves you knows what he’s done to you and can do nothing to help you so they they just stand by and let you self destruct powerless to help because how can they?
I literally feel like Satan has got some kinda hold on me! Nothing I can do I have begged God to help me rebuked the Devil till I’m blue in the face. Running out of strength!!
My personal theology is that I believe in good and evil as defined by God in the Bible, and I believe in the existence of a real spirit world, including Satan. I believe Satan is an evil being with a motivation to harm and destroy good people. I perceive that God answered my prayers and saved me from greater harm at the hands of my ex psychopath (whom I met in Church). I learned some important spiritual lessons, and I eventually came to understand some of the reasons why God allowed me to go through that trial.
A wise minister counseled me to read the Psalms when I was going though a very bad time at the hands of my ex psychopath, and I did find comfort in the Psalms.
If you lack strength, pray for God to give you strength. He is the source of our strength (Isaiah 40:29, 2 Cor 12:9-10, Isaiah 40:31, Psalm 119:28, Philippians 4:13).
According to James 4:7, God promises that if we submit to God and resist the devil, Satan will flee from us. There is a lot of power in what we do. It is most helpful to be sure that we are doing all that we know to do to get away and stay away from anyone who tries to harm us, who lies, cheats, and otherwise does wrong.
It sounds like you are going through the worst time; I know it is unbelievably painful, confusing, and just horrible. It will get better; you will have happiness again and you will have a good life. It does take time to rebuild. Most victims are significantly harmed psychologically, spiritually, financially, physically, emotionally and intellectually. It’s a lot to recover from.
Coercive control factors heavily in cases of C-PTSD. When abuse is overt and obvious, we can readily recognize what’s happening. When it’s covert, we ignore malicious behavior and give the benefit of the doubt….. until our self-esteem has been ripped away.
I could not agree more I spent 4 years just trying to fix it. (giving the benifit of the doubt) It’s not abuse, I can change it if I change how I react! Read book after book on how to be the best person I could be. I just could not take the complete 180 that he did. from a loving patent person to a cold mean man. the mind twisting conversations made me doubt my own sanity luckily I have lot’s of family and friends and did not have any trouble ever communicating with them so I never let him convince me I did not remember things right. He got mad cuz I “did not believe him” no I straight up see gas lighting….. I’m not stupid. (any time someone tries to bend/change your reality) I also yes had my self esteem chipped away that is bound to happen when the honeymoon or love bombing is so extraordinarily wonderful. then all of a sudden you can’t do anything right. there are new things they will allow and won’t allow. They act annoyed by everything you do. you only want to please him and when you realize it’s impossible it makes you hate yourself, feel like you failed who you loved most, doubt your own instincts, and your attractiveness. You don’t know your at rock bottom until you can see how he can twist you into a totally different person in just 2 min of talking and mind screwing going nowhere conversations!
Yup, you nailed it! They stir the romantic chemistry to get you hooked. As they chip away at your self esteem, you strive to regain that “loved” feeling you had while they were “charming” you. Little did you know, it was all a smoke screen to hide who they really were!
So glad you’re on the recovery side of that relationship! Stay strong!
Joyce
Yep and it truly sucks when you realize your so obsessively addicted to them and they can just go find another sucker to con and you gave your whole heart and thought that you had found where you’d be forever. Not to mention the subliminal things they somehow put in your head that make you panic being away from them when their just fine. They are not having to fight back feelings. my case is so hard because he would fight with me and confuse me so much or refuse to give me any emotional reassurance, but plenty of seeds were planted to make me insecure that I could not take it anymore and leave. Then he would say he can’t do this anymore never knowing when I’m gonna leave him. (Pity card) I would tell him exactly what I need which was not much. He could never do anything to make me feel better. Refused said he was not playing these games! Then I panic which I am sure he knows very well the ways he has made sure I’ll do that. (Although the experts claim they don’t know they are doing it) I have my reservations there. Because I told him I am tired of all the stupid rules that change half the time and being ordered and commanded around for no reason! He said to me and I quote “fine then find someone who is loving and caring and will love you or be celibate your Intire life I really don’t care what you do” that hurt. All I told him is I wanted to feel special to him again. Not treated like dirt that could only call or text when he says and the best thing he could say anymore about how he felt about me was “your here aren’t you.” Well I want to feel loved and adored and that’s who I married things were wonderful. They have got to have it all planned out because from the start he said if you never change I’ll never change (I thought it was odd to constantly say that) I know now it was a setting the scene thing cuz the minuet he started acting mean. He started telling me I changed. He stopped getting me cards and flowers and said I did not appreciate them like before and that’s why. He took everything away little by little until there was nothing but empty I love you’s left with no action of love at all! Everything was all me though he would catch himself completely blaming me and would switch quick to “you know I always said it takes two.” I was the only one feverishly trying to make things work. He would claim partial responsibility but then I would say what I could do better and ask him what he needed to work on and he’d say I can’t list things like you. In other words his partial responsibility was just lip service. I can remember he use to say he was sorry when he was out of line. Then it went to if you’d drop it (when half the time it was retarded and should not have been happening anyway) I will say I’m sorry when I cool down. (Cool down from a senseless argument you start ok) so like a good submissive wife I would start dropping it on command (he’d start it he’d command it to stop) the first maybe 3 times he stuck to his word and said he was sorry. For the last 2 years he would command me to drop it and I could just suck it all in and never hear the words I’m sorry. I however apologized even when I didn’t know what I had done. I am not saying I was perfect but over 90% of my actions were literally stoaked, provoked, and even created by him. Like I was not even the jealous type when he met me and he literally changed that by planting reasons then provoking me to ask questions then when I asked just cuz he was hinting so hard I thought he wanted me to. He would scream at me your so jealous and insecure. I was like no I just really thought you wanted me to ask as much as you were hinting. Fast forward 4 years and I actually have real emotions of jealousy he honed them. UNBELIEVABLE I did not know how I was being molded. It’s all too bizarre to believe. I am in a panick wanting to go over there now and it does not help he lives right across the street. The thing that made the real jealousy come to life was seeing he was looking on POF he says when we were OFF (which in his defense we could have been) hell it feels like my heads been in a blender for 4 years! either way it showed me he was quite ok with replacing me and between that and all the porn my trust was very shaky. I no long felt loved and adored and really had a hard time making love to him because in the back of my head I wondered if it was safe and I felt he did not deserve my body anymore. (Plus he said I was getting too skinny and he was not attracted to me anymore) he never said I was pretty, beautiful, really never said anything nice about me anymore no matter how hard I tried to build him up. I got nothing in return I was emotionally starving. Oh well I guess someone else will be now he’s probably already started talking to her! It only took a week and he found someone last time we split (he says he told he wanted to be strictly friends) I don’t know what to believe I know they had sexual contact but his 270lb male ass claimed he was not willing… yet he was the one that performed the favor (he says just to shut her up) oh hey did I mention I have some ocean front property in AZ for sale….that’s how I’m buying that!!
Sorry to unload everything hurts hurts hurts and the worst part is I am soooo afraid to ever trust again and even worse then that I don’t like how defensive and anxious I have become totaly self-conscious! Because he started trying to convince me no one really liked me they just put up with me, I walked all over everybody, and he was the only one who cared about me enough to tell me the truth about myself! About 3 weeks after we were married (By everyone he was referring to friends I’d had for 15+ years even 25years in some cases and my parents who I am extremely close to) I immediately asked everyone they immediately saw he was trying to tear me down cuz I was a complete wreck thinking I was this rude out of control maniac and just never knew it. They assured me ,but it did not matter it got in my head everything he said and I feel uncomfortable talking to people now and feel like I am bothering them. He constantly said I was rude, don’t use common sense, over react you name it I did it wrong. I literally hate me now cuz I just wanted him to always love me and Everything he picked apart and criticized has stuck in my head!
Your ex sounds a lot like my ex psychopath. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was a sadist, and enjoyed others’ pain at his hands. He enjoyed the power and control. Before I understood his motivations, I noticed that if he learned something hurt or upset me, he would do it more. That was the first red flag I understood. At the time, I wasn’t aware of other red flags, such as moving the relationship along too quickly. He was talking ‘marriage’ on our second ‘date.’
His criticisms of you have nothing to do with you. He insults or praises people according to whatever he thinks it will get for him that he wants, often power and control and a sadistic payoff in the case of insults. His pointless untrue unhelpful criticisms reflect what he is – a liar and an abuser.
I’ve found it’s taking me a long time to undo the damage my ex spath did to my self esteem. I lack confidence and feel paranoid about what others think of me, in ways I never did before the spath experience.
Wanting him to always love you is good and right, and feeling that way works very well in a relationship with a man of good character. You can be well pleased with yourself for being a loving committed person.
Mine was talking marriage on the first date! I noticed he’d do things he knew would hurt me so I tested it to make sure I was right and sure enough he jumped at the chance. He had already said to me though “I only said that cause I knew it would hurt you.” I sad “what why?” He said “you know how you think about what would hurt someone most to win when your mad?” And I said “No I don’t know I don’t do that” I never saw any winning in an argument anyway I just wanted to solve it. I said “I don’t know anyone who does that” he said “Oh what ever it’s normal everybody does it” I honestly think that he does think he’s normal. He has no clue his Dad is the exact same way I think that is why he is. I am panicking very badly tonight and I know it’s wrong but I can’t get it to stop! In his case I think he thinks he’s normal cuz his whole family is like it. Well his Dad and his Brother anyway. I feel sorry for his mom she has been married to it for 50 years she has seen a psychiatrist for years and takes all kinds of med’s. I will never forget when I realized his Dad was the problem. I was talking on the phone with him and he said something about having dealt with His drinking for years and going through hell with it, and I said “I know” just as a common phrase anyone would use lightly in my experience and he jumped down my throat and started yelling what do you mean you know you don’t know you were not here! (I had heard all about it was all I meant) I said “let me tell you something I do know you and your son are the only two people in my 36 years on this planet that ever attacked me over a simple phrase like that. I now know where he get’s it ,and I know why your wife stays zoned out on pills” he did not care to much for my honesty.
Hi Ladybugg, I’m so glad you came here tonight to vent. I’m sorry that you are “panicking”…feel your emotions try to narrow down exactly what triggered you tonight.
Hi Ladybugg, you GET him….you see who he is & his father…these are huge steps in healing. Know that you are going to get through your emotional pain. It’s scary & it’s draining to feel all these emotions that are percolating up. Keep writing down your feelings either here on in a journal or a simple piece of paper.
As I read your post I was thinking to myself you are much further along then most in regards to analyzing what you have read about sociopath abuse and relating it to your relationship. Good job!!
What ever you do dont stuff these feelings down. This is part of the healing process.
We are here for you!! 💚
Take care.
It’s really always the same thing I don’t want it to be over I just want my husband loving man I married back. He has widdled it down to nothing I should just feel happy to be there and you know what it worked I am not content any where else and when I am away I am scared he is with someone else because if I had enough I’d tell him to act like he cared and of coarse he wouldn’t just sit there stone faced while I begged well I would have no choice but to go and he’d be right on that internet trying to meet someone. Instead of saying “he is sorry and he does care” but he’d let me back and I’d see he was looking or I saw a pic in his phone once of him taken by someone else and I said “what’s this?” He said “oh I had Connie take a couple pics of me” and I said “ok so did you take the profile down then or is it still up?”
And he’d say I deactivated it when you came back of coarse I had no right to be mad because I left. He never changes anything doesn’t have to knows I’ll come crawling back. Shows me how replaceable I am and makes me feel like shit and I’m suppose to be comfortable with that!
I had that conversation with his Dad back in 2013 I have known since then I still can’t help how I feel though😔
The way yo feel is normal and right and natural, and it works well in good relationships. The panic and the pain of betrayal you feel now is a normal response to being abused and betrayed and gaslighted.
I understand how you feel that you want your good husband back. The horrible truth is that it was fake and it was a lie. He faked being a good man who cared about you in order to manipulate you into giving him what he wants. If he cared he would treat you differently. It’s a horror to think about and to understand. It’s pure evil.
Even if it was all fake, it’s still a loss to you. You have lost your loving husband, and it is normal to grieve that loss. It’s a big loss.
Ten years before I met the psychopath, I was widowed from a good man who truly loved me and was committed to our marriage. The loss of the fake loving husband that the psychopath portrayed was no less a loss for me to grieve. It was more complicated, and I didn’t get quite as much support as I did when I was widowed, although my closest friends and family were very supportive of me.
AnnettePK is correct the way you are feeling is normal. 🙁
I was the same way emotionally…I wanted my h (now ex) to be normal…to act normal. He cheated on me and then blamed me. When I finally left him he has at least 3-5 women from two different states.
With time Ladybugg you will get to a point you WILL be happy that he found someone knew because that new woman helped set you FREE from the abuse he was doing to you.
I know right now it does not feel like you will have a happy life without him but again with time you will see that you will have a BETTER life without him. No more walking on egg shells when he is around, no more confusion, no more emotional abuse
JUST PEACE & CALMNESS.
I promise you this day will come…you just have to be kind to yourself and very patient and feel your feelings and figure out what triggers you so that you will know in the future how to deal with these triggers.
If you need to call the National Domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counselor. They too have been where you are emotionally tonight. In the USA 800-799-SAFE.
HUGE HUGE HUGS TO YOU TONIGHT!! 💚
Are you safe from your ex physically? Is it possible that the panic you feel is fear of something he might do to you?
That’s just it I can’t see what he ever got from me financially nothing really he is a hard working man and he is the only one working. He never has seen a dime of my money (which is only disability) as far as I know he has not cheated on me. Most of that crap was just to make me think you better stay or else I will. With the exception of this last time I was gone for 2 months and he was with this one girl which I planned on being gone for good so technically not cheating. He wanted me with him all the time this is really the way this man thinks marriage is suppose to be because it’s the way his parents marriage was. Sad really…he gains nothing from me but knowing someone thinks the world of him even when he pushes her around and pretends to act like he thinks I think he’s horrible and all this stuff I don’t say! He’s constantly accusing me of offending him when I am not trying to. Get this I have never even told him I think he’s abusive. The only thing I have done is express how the things he does hurts me and the things he doesn’t do anymore hurts me!
That to him his saying he’s horrible. He himself has told me he is void of emotion and I say he acts like he has no feelings and he gets pissed! Oh and when he try’s to make up differant stories of how things went and I don’t agree I am calling him a liar I say no that just means I do not recall it the same and since I have no trouble recalling things with anyone else I am not gonna say oh your right I must be remembering wrong! He even said the other night on the phone nothing’s is resolved because you have not once agreed with me and said I’m right. I would ask him a question and he’d side step it there was no conversation where I could agree or disagree it was nothing but him hanging up on me cuz he did not like what I said. Constantly saying it’s over or he’s not doing this anymore. Accusing me of this and that then he’d talk nice just to wham yell I’m trying to eat and watch T.V. When he never said anything about it before the minuet he says something like that by the way if I don’t shut up instantly I am being rude and not caring what he’s doing!
It sounds like he is an extreme narcissist. And it sounds like he says things that he knows are not true, and if he is willing to do that he is a liar. It also sounds to me that he is creating the arguments with you by playing cat and mouse with you, leading you through a crazy dance.
Whatever his motivations are, he does not choose to do things that are in your best interest, that demonstrate a commitment to your well being, and that contribute to your and his mutual spiritual growth and the security and intimacy of the marriage. He does not act as though he cares about your emotional, spiritual, psychological, and physical health and well being.
It sounds like you have told him what your needs are and you have tried to explain reality to him. It sounds like you have done all you can do.
Consider if your ex can behave normally and nice when it suits him, perhaps to other people and perhaps to you when there’s someone around he wants to impress. If he really was clueless about how to treat you well, he’d probably be incapable of doing some things he does just fine.
You might consider that if your ex’s behavior doesn’t make sense, even in the context of the sociopath disorder, there may be some factor you are unaware of. I found out 4 or 5 years into the fake ‘marriage’ that my ex psychopath does child porn, cross dressed, and generally was not even interested in adult women. He’s basically not even heterosexual. He married both his ‘wives’ because he aspired to the ministry in the church we attend, and he used us to give people the impression that he is a normal nice man of good character. He is a sadist and a pathological liar. No one could believe that he is a pedophile and a cross dresser, because he does such a good job of hiding it.
It’s a lot of work and very tiring emotionally to grieve what you have lost and to try and figure out the insanity. You might try to spend some time every day resting from thinking about him, and focus on something else.
all the shyt youre saying about his actions and words I lived. IOW, hes not loving you, he’s not being a jerk, he doesnt have issues…he’s being a classic narc/borderline. they are textbook.
never ever speak to him again.
or keep on and keep hurting.
hard words Im sorry, but TRUTH.
(((hugs)))