Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting people. When you’re the person who has been exploited, how should you respond? Do you try to hold the sociopath accountable? Or do you cut your losses and walk away?
Lovefraud is an open forum, with many people expressing opinions about what you should do. In the past, some folks have posted comments saying give up, run away, don’t fight, you can’t win.
I don’t necessarily agree with that. Yes, in some cases, fleeing is the best course of action. But sometimes the only way to survive is to fight. Or sometimes standing up to the sociopath enables you to reclaim yourself, even if you don’t win the battle.
I believe you should do what is best for you. But figuring out “what is best” may be difficult. You need to carefully evaluate the entire situation before deciding what, if any, action to take. The following considerations may help you.
If you suffered financial losses:
Do you have documentation that the sociopath promised to repay you? If you don’t have an agreement in writing, it will be very difficult to pursue your claim. The sociopath may argue—convincingly—that the money was a gift.
Does the sociopath have any money, property or assets that you can go after? Does he or she have a job? If the sociopath has nothing, there may be no point.
How much will it cost you to go after what he or she owes you? Is the amount of money taken from you worth the trouble it will be to get it back?
Can you use small claims court? The good news about small claims court is that you don’t need to pay for an attorney. If the sociopath owes you more than the dollar limit for small claims cases, perhaps you can break it up into several different claims. Again, you will need documentation.
Even if you won’t be able to collect, you may want to file a lawsuit against the sociopath just to expose him or her, or create a public record. This does, in a way, hold the sociopath accountable, even if you are never repaid.
Criminal behavior:
Is the sociopath engaged in criminal behavior? Is the sociopath dangerous? Can you report the behavior without jeopardizing your own safety? Are you willing to cooperate with law enforcement agencies? Or, is there a tip line where you can report the behavior anonymously?
Would your conscience bother you if you did not report the behavior?
If the sociopath is accusing you of criminal behavior, you must fight. Do not admit to any criminal behavior that you did not commit. A criminal record can ruin your life.
Children with a sociopath:
Having children with a sociopath is a nightmare. The best thing that can happen is for the sociopath to go away. You may want to offer a deal if your former partner will give up parental rights, you won’t ask for child support. Usually this deal won’t cost you anything, because sociopaths drag their feet on paying child support.
Many sociopaths, however, will not give up parental rights. They want to use the kids to continue to control you.
The issues involved in co-parenting with a sociopath are incredibly complex, and beyond the scope of this article. So here are just a few suggestions:
- Document everything. Keep very good records of everything that happens. Save every text, email, receipt and record. You never know what you will need.
- During a custody case, do not let any false claims that the sociopath makes about you go unchallenged in court. If you do not challenge the lies, the statements become part of the court record and will cause problems for you later.
- Make your custody agreement as comprehensive as possible. Then, you follow it to the letter and demand that the sociopath follows it.
As Quinn Pierce wrote in her most recent article, avoiding conflict to keep the peace may not work, and can hurt both you and the kids. But remember, the sociopath’s objective is to get a reaction out of you. So be calm, unemotional and businesslike as you enforce your boundaries. Even when the sociopath upsets you, never let him or her see it.
Your physical and emotional strength
If you were involved with a sociopath, you certainly were deceived, manipulated and betrayed. You may have been physically assaulted. You may have endured emotional and psychological injury.
So as you’re considering fight or flight, what can you really handle right now?
Your first priority must be your own health and safety. If you need to give up the money or property you lost in order to protect your very life, then do it.
Or maybe you need to retreat for the time being. Then, after taking time to recover and gather your strength, you can go after the sociopath later. That is perfectly acceptable.
Recovery and accountability
True recovery from a sociopath means moving forward with your life. It may not be the same life that you had before the sociopath. In fact, if you work on deep emotional healing because of this experience, it could even be a better life.
So what is the best way for you to move forward? Is it letting go of what happened? Or is it standing up for yourself and holding the sociopath accountable? Is it letting go on some issues and taking a stand on others? Only you can decide.
Here’s another factor: Sociopaths will continue with their exploitative behavior as long as they keep getting away with it. If nothing else, I hope we can at least talk about our experiences. As more people realize that millions of predators live among us, perhaps working to hold sociopaths accountable won’t feel as lonely as it does now.
My experience with fighting
Personally, I am glad that I fought, although I did not claim a total victory. When I divorced my ex-husband, the judge awarded me all the money I claimed $227,000 plus $1 million in punitive damages. I spent a year and even more money trying to serve my judgment. I failed, and eventually had to declare bankruptcy.
But I did prove in court that he committed fraud. That legal judgment enabled me to expose James Montgomery for the con artist that he is. And, it enabled me to create Lovefraud, where I use my experience to try to educate the world about the social predators who live among us.
For me, the fight was worth it.
Thanks, Donna, for the insightful article. This is something I have been dealing with on an ongoing basis. I have been walking a line, trying to balance the needs of my family with the needs of society. My ex is a serial embezzler. When I recently told one of his clients (whom he had acquired through my acquaintance with her!) he had stolen from her, and she fired him, he took me to court to have support reduced. He had threatened this–though I wasn’t 100% sure he would follow through, as it would expose him even further. Well, he did, and I lost about a couple of hundred dollars a month. But now he is on record admitting the embezzlement, so I am more comfortable than ever exposing him. I have requested the court transcripts, so I can make copies, when necessary. To me, this was money well spent!
I am a fighter. In my case my taking control and exposing him is doing a service to society, as well as helping me heal. I have been dissuaded by almost everyone, from my attorney, to friends, to other clients of his–and encouraged to “look out for myself.” This is unacceptable to me. I have already been devastated emotionally and financially. I won’t let him destroy my moral core. Though my kids and I are our some money , and that may make things more difficult right now, in the long run I (and hopefully others!) have come out ahead.
Best of luck to all who take these predators on! Stay strong!
This is a extremely tricky situation! You must keep in mind at ALL times that sociopaths feed on drama and attention, so when you fight back, this gives them both, if you don’t fight, you lose everything, including your dignity and sanity! I have dealt with my husband’s ex wife who is a sociopath with BPD for ten years now. At first I wanted to counteract everything she threw our way and I quickly learned it was not only futile, but exhausting mentally, emotionally,financially and physically. There is an art to dealing with a sociopath , you must stay one step ahead of them always by informing yourself and keeping yourself alert at all times..information is knowledge. Try not to deal with them directly if possible, go straight to the source of their actions.
Stop them before the situation escalates….once they start the “feeding frenzy”, they are like a hungry great white shark with a seal. The adrenaline they feel once the begin is hard to put a stop too. Once you make up your mind to “fight”, you had better have prepared yourself legally, financially, and emotionally.
Do not argue with them or discuss any part of your attack plan, they will beat you to it, remember, they are experts at chaos and evil! Give no warning, just pounce! Do Not involve the children , don’t let them have any clue to your action plan, they will tell the sociopath! Knowledge and preparation is POWER! Don’t react until you carefully think out and plan, do not be impulsive…that is what they do. Arm yourself to the teeth…
and do your homework…know the situation well…get used to it, it will happen over and over again! Put yourself in their shoes as much as this sickens you….if you understand them, you will begin to know what triggers them and what puts them temporarily at bay! You have to “get them before they get you”, but you have to be knowledgeable and sneaky…this may be uncharacteristic of you, but you must learn the moves to survive. Unfortunately, the counter measures will trickle down to the children….the sociopath will make sure the children are pawns and involved…they will be brainwashed, and the sociopath will seem like the victim to them and you will be made out to be the predator…get used to this, there is no changing it. Record and document everything and protect yourself…never, never be alone with them.Remember, anytime they change any part of their life….know it…this change will greatly affect you and your children! And remember, it never goes away with time….but it can get easier! Don’t put ANYTHING past them…they are in human! God Bless
Winifred, I totally agree with you. You have to be ready at all times. Out of the nowhere they throw an attack. I filed for divorce because I have to protect my son and I. When my soon to be ex fabricated lies to get a temporary injunction against me, I was totally shocked. I had no contact with him for 4 months he felt “in imminent danger because of me”. Some attorney told him it would make me look bad in the divorce so go ahead and try to get a permanent injunction against your wife. Unfortunately his plan snow balled and he looked like an idiot in the court hearing. Everything was dismissed thanks to my attorney. But I knew he was “raging” inside because now his son would “hate” him even more. I am prepared at all times. I just don’t know what he cones up with next. It is like a “war” against an unknown enemy.
Yes, the best thing would be if he would just go away to a state far away from where I live. I truly hope he will do this once this divorce is over.
He came up with do many lies about me. That I am mentally insane, that I do not take my medication as prescribed. The truth is that I only take medication for hypertension and that I never was in the care of a psychiatrist. Luckily my son is 19, otherwise I would be in another battle. Does it drain me emotionally to hear all these fabricated lies? Absolutely but I will stand up for myself and I will cone out stronger than ever. I don’t know what can be harder in life than getting a divorce from a narcissist. I am ready and I will overcome this. He thinks he is in control but he isn’t. The control he had stopped on July 08th, the day I filed for divorce. Thanks again for all your great advise, support snd honesty.
Although I am not a natural fighter by any means, I do believe that one has to fight in order to save them-self. I have had to fight one way or another all my life the only difference in this fight was I thought he loved me and would never hurt me. Boy, was I wrong. So, I did not fight in a physical sense but in a mental one….I won the battle! When I called it quits with my Spath I was devastated that he immediately moved out, discarded all the “beliefs” he claimed to have with me, and within a few weeks had a new girlfriend and by the end of the first month, she was living with him. In order to overcome that devastation and realization that the last 7 years of my life was a lie, I gathered my “ammunition” which was knowledge and chose to fight back where he can’t even compete….mentally and emotionally!! He knows I am SO MUCH HAPPIER without him and God knows the truth. That is all I need! I was unable to just walk away during the first month but now, I am stronger mentally because of the war he waged. He will never win!! No matter how hard he tries, or what he does, he will never defeat me again. As long as I live he WILL FIND AN ENEMY in me!! I may loose the battle from time to time in my life but the war..I always win! I have to be strong for myself because nobody will be strong for me.
Kataroux….
Your story is so close to my own, except my relationship was about four years….and he had started a relationship with someone else months before I moved out (something I found out about a year later). Either way, I have grown and improved so much within the past 1 1/2 years. So, my win is my improved emotional health and always, my strength of character.
More than a year ago I never would have thought I’d have the strength I do now, but I do. So for those who are struggling, please let me say it does get better….and you will be stronger and wiser as a result!
Stay strong my friends….
carolann
I was in an “exclusive” (so I thought) relationship with a sociopath for 7 years. We purchased an expensive home together for “our” future and before even moving into it, he bailed from the relationship and left me holding the entire financial bag. I’ve been advised by my attorney to come to terms with the financial loss, since suing him will be so expensive (and she said based on her dealings with him, he will work to make it as costly and drawn out as possible) it won’t be worth it.
I later found out that he had been “dating” multiple other women throughout our entire relationship and had actually terminated two women who worked for him because they refused to “date” him…this resulted in great harm to them, as well as a cost to the taxpayers as they sued the agency for their terminations and won the judgements.
At the same time, he was pursuing long term relationships with other women, and in June he married one of them.
The women who lost their jobs both wanted to disgrace him publicly but instead chose to take the settlements and move on with their lives. There were stories in the paper that had very embarrassing details and I doubt they even troubled him, as he has no conscience and no shame and he would have told himself a story that put all the shame on the women. I too would like to disgrace him publicly but know that it will not impact him a bit and would only allow an opening for him to come at me from another direction.
The house remains up for sale and that shared property is the only reason there is any thread of connection left. All communications are through attorneys. The day the house is sold, I will spread my wings and soar. While I can never erase what has been done and will never be the same person I was before I met him, I hope with that last release that I will take a major leap into a better life.
I want to add something to my comment – to walk away from the loss quietly isn’t a decision I came to lightly. I am now into the third year of this, and the first year at least I lived for fighting to make myself whole again financially and see justice done. It was a long road of hard knocks and observing what the fight was doing to me and how it was giving him pleasure to continue to manipulate me and I decided that for ME, healing would come faster if I let it go. Putting myself any further through that particular fight would have cost me much more money and much more pain, and like Donna, I would have won a judgement but would never have seen a dime from it…and worst of all, it would prolong the pain and involvement for, according to my attorney, years.
I have elected to take “no contact” to the nth degree and become as invisible as possible so that he has no idea how I feel or what I am doing or planning. It’s relatively easy, since literally all the so called friends and family from my old life walked away a long time ago. I don’t know if he ever thinks of me or not, since he’s moved onto a fresh new target, but I know I would be a fool to think that his attention couldn’t turn again to me at any time since he is bound to me by that mortgage. I have grown eyes in the back of my head.
Exactly Katareaux, you are so right. My soon to be ex will always have an “enemy” in me also. It will not be a Bruce Willis/Demi Moore divorce where they all go out to dinner with their new partners. And you are right I might lose some battles but I already won the “war”. He is out of my life. He cannot lie, cheat, betray and abuse anymore. Because i will not respond to him. He can do all those things to the new “victim” and that alone is my victory.
kataroux,
Congratulations!You do sound much stronger than when you first came to Lovefraud!
Although there are various ways to fight a sociopath,it is important to stay safe and since many of us suffered mentally and emotionally in the relationship,it is a victory when we are able to feel mentally and emotionally healthy once again! 🙂
I am SO GRATEFUL for this site and for all of you who post your stories. I filed against my spath in June. My horrifying news is that we (family, friends, lawyers and therapists) believe my oldest two kids are narcissists or spaths too. They are with him and are as happy as can be of course. They don’t communicate at all with me even though they and I walked on eggshells together because of him for years. Only my middle school aged daughter is normal like me. Her sibs don’t contact her unless they need something. She is the one who is really hurting in all of this. Thank God spath is living a thousand miles from me. I’ve become quite a sleuth since this all started so I know that he’s been in a relationship since Aug. and is also using a dating service. He got a new cell number which he didn’t share with any of us. I would love to expose him to everyone that works for him and has invested in his company but he needs his job or there won’t be any money at all. There’s not as much as he said there was anyway! The hardest part for me is not telling him everything I know. Hopefully we can surprise him with all that in court some day. I am happier now than I’ve ever been because I’ve finally taken my life and my power back and I’m never giving it away again. It feels so incredibly good to be in charge of myself. Anyway, thanks for listening and please everybody, BE STRONG and continue to post your stories. Thanks.
I would have loved to have my soon to be ex and his little co worker fired from their jobs since they are both deputies and exchanged naked picture while on duty. They wasted tax payers money on a nightly base during their shifts. My attorney advised me not to turn them into internal affairs as it would hurt my alimony case in court. And what would I gain by having them fired. She got her punishment already by engaging into an affair with him. My victory is that I filed for divorce.
Lessons learned…some the hard way…
My NPD ex put me through a 10 year divorce… we had grown children… no custody issues…
This was his way of ‘paying me back’ for pressing the court for my fair share of marital assets, which were substantial in a 25 year marriage.
Would I do it again?
Not sure… it took a huge toll on my physically, emotionally, financially…
Fighting a NPD/Sociopath is a tar baby… must go into it with full knowledge that it keeps you ‘stuck’ to them…
In many ways, the money is just not worth it… all of the energy and resources you put into trying to get your ‘fair share’ of assets etc. might be better spent getting on with your life, improving yourself (education, career etc.) and being totally free from the constant ‘yanking of your chain’.
I spent 7 of those 10 years finishing an undergraduate degree, and getting my masters … only to have him take me back to court to terminate alimony 2 years prematurely because ‘she has more education than I do’. So also you need to know that anything you do to improve yourself will be used as a weapon against you.
dear Donna,
thank you so much for this site. Before I became a victim of a sp I did not even suspect they exist.
I knew it would not help to fight for my money but because he is trying to make a public appearance on facebook in his page https://www.facebook.com/misternevergiveup
I made a blog http://www.misternevergiveup.wordpress.com
http://www.horoitmisternevergiveup.blogspot.com to warn people.
He sued me for the blog for 250.000 Euro and wanted to put an injuction on me. 2 weeks ago he lost his case against me. It took more than a year for this case this is how I learned the complete uselessness of the judicial system. He has to pay 100% of expenses but lives in another country so it is hard to get my money that I spent on lawyer and court expenses just to protect myself.
This was my fight, If I did not fight against him… I cannot imagine not fighting the EVIL.
So thank you again for encouraging the other victims.