Last week I happened to read a Dear Abby column in the newspaper. A woman wrote to Abby that she had been married to a man for 15 years who was controlling and manipulative, along with being emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. The letter-writer termed her husband narcissistic and passive-aggressive, but in my view he may be a sociopath.
The woman is filing for divorce. Her dilemma is that her husband projects a “good guy” image, and she fears that if she accuses him of abuse, no one will believe her.
Abby’s advice was to tell a few close girlfriends what really happened. “The truth will spread like wildfire,” Abby wrote.
I wonder if Abby gave good advice for this situation. I’m sure the advice would be helpful under most circumstances. But if this guy is a sociopath, there’s a good chance that he’s already started the smear campaign against his wife—telling people that she’s mentally unbalanced, a terrible mother, and cheating on him.
What do you think?
Read the letter, Truth of abusive marriage will tarnish man’s sterling image. Then tell us if you think Abby’s plan will work.
Donna you are so right. The smear campaign I got was shocking to say the least I am still dealing with ramifications of his heartless actions from 2 1/2 years ago when we broke up and it still throws me into a tail spin when I hear the stories.
Yes she needs to talk to her close friends but if he is a spath which he sounds like and considering the length of there relationship she maybe aliened from close friends and family anyway.
In my experience it is not the “Truth” that spreads like wildfire, and the better the story the faster it goes and that is the last thing she needs when she is vulnerable after a relationship break up. And it isn’t a case of getting your story out there first because a spath has an angle and a answer for everthing and twists things so badly when you are at your lowest point and don’t have the strength to defend yourself.
I wonder if Dear Abby has degree/experience in sociopaths. It would be totally irresponsible for these Dear Abby’s to be giving advise unless they are knowledgeable and repeatable in the field of psychology.
There are even a lot of psychologist out there that are not well versed in the world of sociopaths and can be more harmful than good in treating victims. We all know here how delicate we are after being exposed to a spath and the wrong advise could be very costly to the victim.Maybe you should send her the LF link before she sends out anymore relationship advise. Just a thought! 🙂
Thank you for the article, Donna.
I don’t believe that the “Truth” is ever realized. And, this may seem a very personal question, but have you ever experienced accusations of being “bitter” about the spath in your life because you began a blogsite and spoke the Truth about his heinous deeds?
This is what I typically think happens to survivors when they speak Truth about the spaths that destroyed their lives. Again, this goes back to humans being incapable or unwilling to accept the fact that there are those among us who take gleeful delight in doing harm to others.
Brightest blessings.
Great point Buttons!! Truth & spaths don’t live in the same universe!
In my opinion, Abby’s advice to this woman is terrible.
This woman expressed in her letter that she will be filing for divorce soon.
I think she needs to concentrate on her divorce, and come up with some evidence of abuse that will stand up in court.
It already seems to be established that this man is abusive and narcissistic.
So, it sounds like she’s in for an ugly divorce, whether he is a socio or not.
My advice would be to forget about “confiding” in the girlfriends, unless they can provide testimony that will support the wife’s claims of abuse.
Buckle up for the divorce that’s coming, because that’s where your energies are going to be needed.
While Abby may be right that “confiding” in a few close girlfriends will spread like wildfire….especially in a rural small town where No Visible Wounds lives….it will not serve any real purpose as far as the divorce goes.
It will just create a “he said, she said” situation.
If NO Visible Wounds was going to confide in her girlfriends, she should have done it a long time ago.
Doing so now, right before she files for divorce is only going to make HER look shady, my opinion.
And, I believe I read that No Visible Wounds is living in HIS hometown.
So, accusing this “good guy” of abuse in his own hometown is very risky and dangerous.
~I continued reading this “Dear Abby” column, and I thought Abby’s advice to the “Uncertain Teen” was also terrible.
Buttons:
The only person who has accused me of being a bitter ex-wife is my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. In fact, the term he usually uses for me is, “stark-raving mad.”
I launched Lovefraud five years after my divorce. This was important for 2 reasons:
1. It enabled me to learn about sociopaths, so I could talk intelligently about the personality disorder that explained what happened to me.
2. It enabled me to heal, so that I could talk about what happened to me without the anger and pain that I felt in the beginning. This makes it much easier for the listener to receive the message.
My sister is a spath and a psychologist. She has an affair with my first husband and she smeared me behind my back. So, when I found out and confornted her and those in my family, I wasn’t believed and it hurt me beyond belief. These people are plotting and planning while we are just living our lives. She eventually got found out. She had an affair with a man while she has his wife and himself in for marriage counseling and almost lost her license to practice. She is the biggest liar and manipulator that I have ever seen and she is in my own family .. she tires to alienate me at every turn. Her children are egotisical messes.
http://www.womenexplode.com
Donna, you’re a very courageous woman and I am personally grateful that you have turned your horrible experiences into something positive – for your own healing and the healing of countless others. I know that I’ve expressed this, before, but it can never be said enough that Survivors of sociopathy who turn their lives around are beacons for the rest of us.
I agree that Abby’s response was completely off the hook. “Telling” or “outing” spathy is often dicey, at best, even with hard evidence. My own experience with the spath son and his forgeries has been something that drives this point home with crystal clarity. In my possession, I have his “practice” signatures, his handwritten instructions on how to make documents appear more authentic, an altered “Library Services” stamp, a 100% fabricated commendation for the Bronze Star, and many, many other pieces of physical evidence. Nobody – not a single person or entity or agency – is interested in the fact that this person (my son, or anyone else) is accepting Government financial support for a completely false facade. I believe that he also broke his own wrists so that he would not be able to hold a weapon, according to military standards, and be sent to a combat duty station. It’s too convenient that both of his wrists were injured at the same time shortly after he was deemed “fit” to finally be sent to his batallion. Nevermind the pages and pages of psychiatric documentation of his diagnosis and antisocial behaviors. No, “outing” someone even with hard evidence is a dangerous and often useless effort.
Style1, I’m so sorry that you’re a member of this “club,” and it can only be hoped that the spath sister will eventually be held accountable and lose her license to practice. Even with that, she could still pretend to be licensed.
Brightest blessings.
If this woman wants people gossiping about her, I’d keep myself focusing on the divorce. My h-spath has the “good guy” image, knowing that his own family members are not fully aware of the true nature of the problem, the man is a sociopath. I tend to keep quiet about my findings, not wanting to relive all the crappy stuff that I have lived through due to the h-spath. Who wants to replay it in your head constantly and have others in the community know your “dirty laundry.” I have had enough suffering to last a lifetime, wanting to avoid any more problems that suck the life out of you.
I think it depends on what ‘phase’ of healing she’s in.
In the beginning…..we want everyone to know what an ass he is.
In the beginning a spath/toxic person IS telling tales about US already…..right out of the gate.
We want others to know the truth…..
BUT…..
does it really matter?
NO.
Not what others think or know……ONLY THE COURTS COUNT!
I remember spath, after I had filed the first TPO….going around to anyone/everyone he knew…clients, friends, family….asking for CHARACTER references to take to court!
Uh…..do ya think this served him well….NO. If the few peeps who thought highly of him really thought that highly….they would SHOW up in court for him…..none did!
But….the behaviors of asking for character references, and bullying people around him for this purpose…also helped to expose him to the ‘outside’ world.
As hard as it is……we must understand…..THEY EXPOSE THEMSELVES IN TIME.
The harder we fight to expose them….the whackier we look.
The emotional side is what we get caught up in…and angered by…….and this is how we tend to react!
The only way to react is to quietly document every aspect of the abuse. Be the silent but deadly ex!
Be the snake under the rock…..letting them pass several times, thinking you can’t hurt them…….UNTIL ONE DAY!
When the time is right…….(For you) that’s when a strike can occur.
Really, who cares what others think of us….and I know in the beginning, we want this wrong to be righted……but no matter how hard we scream…..it won’t be righted this way!
If a divorce isn’t sealed……even better……all the facts are documented through the court file. Open to the public.
It will get out…..
But, in the meantime……move forward with what really matters……the divorce and protecting your assets.
Ladies……(and gents) another reason why…..IF there is abuse……get that restraining order…..follow through……and document it all…..it does no good to cry abuse after a period of time and it was never reported!
Everyone feels sorry for the percieved ‘underdog’…..this is how society works. And for a spath…..this is power and control. they nestle in as the victim for this purpose.
Even after the spath has been exposed numerous times…..he still has his family packing his lies and deceiet….flailing around his victimhood.
Even the MIL who we had countless 4 hour conversations, as she was a victim of spath son too…….to the point her life was threatened…still plays the ‘even’ keel mother.
Won’t cut him off…….his family is famous for BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER…..
But funny enough…..they forgot my kids are also their blood!
Spath ‘needs’ them…..kids have me. I guess is their thinking.
But….it’s kinda funny to me, the ones who stick around and support him…..are just the ones who get hammered and publicly embarrassed and financiaally buried by him now…..
so….they chose that role…..enjoy it huh!
I warned ya, you know it, you saw and lived it……..so sit back and reap whatcha all sowed!
I’m moven on!
🙂