Last week I happened to read a Dear Abby column in the newspaper. A woman wrote to Abby that she had been married to a man for 15 years who was controlling and manipulative, along with being emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. The letter-writer termed her husband narcissistic and passive-aggressive, but in my view he may be a sociopath.
The woman is filing for divorce. Her dilemma is that her husband projects a “good guy” image, and she fears that if she accuses him of abuse, no one will believe her.
Abby’s advice was to tell a few close girlfriends what really happened. “The truth will spread like wildfire,” Abby wrote.
I wonder if Abby gave good advice for this situation. I’m sure the advice would be helpful under most circumstances. But if this guy is a sociopath, there’s a good chance that he’s already started the smear campaign against his wife—telling people that she’s mentally unbalanced, a terrible mother, and cheating on him.
What do you think?
Read the letter, Truth of abusive marriage will tarnish man’s sterling image. Then tell us if you think Abby’s plan will work.
I LOVE lavendar oil….I put it in my lotions and on my pillow and lightbulbs …..lavendar, lavendar everywhere!
Erin B, you have to be careful with lavender Oil, as in large doses its a Liver poison.I did several natural therapies courses some years ago, and our Teacher told us, that if you rub neat lavender oil indisciriminately over your legs, temples, wrists, etc, it can give you liver pains. Most people dont realise that Natural oils are DRUGS and like any drug, they can be over used.I did actually give myself pain in the liver from overuse of lavender oil. Most neat oils need to be cut{mixed} with a bland oil such as say, olive, or macadamia or ordinary peanut or cottonseed oil.Love, mama gem.XX
ErinB-I heard what you said and too bad I don’t have a skillet like Oxy does. I need to try that sinus stuff bad cuz I am severly suffering. I have been like this for weeks because my ceiling was caving in and the guys fixed it but this white dust from the plaster was everywhere as well as particles from the ceiling and I don’t have central air. I think it’s caught in the window units. I have tiny nasal passages that are always severely swollen and I am not a surgical candidate-per the ENT cuz my anatomy is too small.
Macadamia oil………….oh, yum! I used that (and, coconut oil) for oil-pulling, and it was fantastic.
Okay. I need help again : (
As parents with joint legal custody, Spath and I are to split all unreimbursed medical expenses.
Every few months he has been submitting totals to me which include office co-pays, prescriptions, AND hair cuts, which as you may have read earlier are:
Done without asking me if I want it cut (I don’t)
Done without TELLING me when the appointment is
Awful; not only often too short but just plain BAD cuts
and he halves his total haircut cost which INCLUDES HIS TIP of $5!
I have never paid these.
I have totaled all the costs he has covered and all the costs I covered, divided them in half and totaled what each of us paid/owed and submitted what HE owes me.
He RE-submits the last list of receipts which I already figured in, AND included 4 of the 5 haircuts he has gotten, and says I owe HIM.
So. What do I say? I have never said ANYTHING about the hair cuts in general because I did not want him to know he was pissing me off.
I am very tired of this.
He needs to know that haircuts are NOT healthcare, and I will not pay for them.
I know he has been getting these haircuts to bother me because he does not tell me, if he doesn’t want to spend the money, then he should LET me get our son’s hair cut!
He keeps his hair short so I never get a chance to say, ‘hey his hair is getting long. Maybe I should take him to have his hair cut.’
Hair cuts are NOT healthcare. (charging me for haircuts is like charging me for clothing and food…it is maintenance).
AND I would only have his hair cut once every 12 weeks if it were up to me.
He is claiming I owe him $50.
Suggestions on what I should write to him; short and sweet, revealing NO emotion and, keeping it business only, would be HIGHLY appreciated.
Fightanotherday, you mentioned that you were to evenly split medical/health costs, yes? Is this part of the legal agreement? Does it clearly state that it’s to be medical/health costs, and NOTHING ELSE?
Getting haircuts is a LUXURY that is probably not spelled out in the decree or legal agreement. If the spath chooses to pay for a haircut, then it’s HIS choice and has nothing to do with the LEGAL agreement.
Don’t answer the invoices, and don’t engage in discussion. As much as possible, NO CONTACT with regard to frivilous B.S.!
Brightest blessings.
Buttons,
The draft that we have be “going” by (when it benefits him) states, “The father shall promptly pay 50% of any and all health care expenses not covered by health insurance, including dental, orthodontic, psychiatric, psychological and mental health care relative to the child until age 21 or earlier emancipation.”
The latest draft for negotiation, which he was responding to, states, “Any and all co-pays and uninsured or unreimbursed medical care and costs, including mental health, dental and orthodontic, will be split by the parents with each parent paying 50%. The father shall reimburse the mother for any past medical co-pays that he currently owes to the mother within seven (7) days of the signing of this agreement, which currebtly the father owes $16.00.”
Dear Abby what an ‘insultingly’ abrupt piece of advice given the detail the woman went into!
There is no evidence to suggest
A) that her ‘friends’ would even believe her
B) that the news would ‘spread like wildfire’
what an absurd piece of advice. what has the word spreading like wildfire (an extremely destructive dangerous situation) got to do with ANYTHING….
I have no doubt in my mind that I and many others have experienced MORE trauma via others ‘not getting’ it, not believing, not wanting to get involved- Double, Treble whammied by family, friends and even therapists! who is to say that your best friend will understand the situation?? it’s one of those experiences if you have not BEEN THERE you have not a chance in HELL of understanding the complex issues involved.
Dealing with a psychopath is like dismantling a bomb wire by wire…Abby has now started a wildfire! oh great we all know how psychopaths love the odd wildfire to snack on…
Number one piece of advice…TRUST your instincts and begin to put words on the experience to someone who can HEAR it without judgement…validate and acknowledge….assess why you “tell” someone, be clear on your objectives and motives to avoid desperate disappointment and further trauma…
My family could not hear what had happened me, they told me I was stupid to have got involved with someone like that in the first place…in fact they already view me as a bit of a disaster…I was one of those sensitive kids who befriended the elephant in the room no one wanted to see…I would point to every bit of dysfuction and say “look Daddy” “look mam” and they would proceed to scold me, shame me and ridicule me leaving me doubting my beautiful sensitive little bang on observations…so please assess the people who you choose to tell..it’s more heartbreak as denial can be a whole village, a suburban mind set in which everyone plays an unconscious part.
One of the very precious gifts that seems to grow from this despicable experience is belief in self…I am beginning to listen to my inner voice, my instincts, my intuition and its seems to be vibrating with life, more luminous and almost like an awakening…
Bulletproof,
Indeed, “One of the very precious gifts that seems to grow from this despicable experience is belief in self”I am beginning to listen to my inner voice, my instincts, my intuition and its seems to be vibrating with life, more luminous and almost like an awakening””
While I am not sure yet that it has been part of my spiritual plan, I believe, as Donna does, that my encounter with my Spath has lead me to a new and better understanding and respect for myself and has brought me to deeper spiritual depths. While my life has more challenges than ever before (I tell my mother, ‘I just wish my life could be normal again.”) I am likely much happier and more fulfilled than I ever was.
FightAnotherDay
Yes…if it does not kill you, and let’s face it…it nearly does…gradually over a long time…. makes you strong…it’s so good to hear you describe your happiness and fulfilment post spath
Let’s affirm…. the total upgrading we have been forced to do on ourselves to survive this, brought down brutally within an inch of our psychological (and or physical) lives, forced to make a decision..a very good one maybe… it seems to be for me ….. roller coaster style and not always consistent!!!
‘ I know more, feel more, understand more than I ever did in my life up to now’