Last week I happened to read a Dear Abby column in the newspaper. A woman wrote to Abby that she had been married to a man for 15 years who was controlling and manipulative, along with being emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. The letter-writer termed her husband narcissistic and passive-aggressive, but in my view he may be a sociopath.
The woman is filing for divorce. Her dilemma is that her husband projects a “good guy” image, and she fears that if she accuses him of abuse, no one will believe her.
Abby’s advice was to tell a few close girlfriends what really happened. “The truth will spread like wildfire,” Abby wrote.
I wonder if Abby gave good advice for this situation. I’m sure the advice would be helpful under most circumstances. But if this guy is a sociopath, there’s a good chance that he’s already started the smear campaign against his wife—telling people that she’s mentally unbalanced, a terrible mother, and cheating on him.
What do you think?
Read the letter, Truth of abusive marriage will tarnish man’s sterling image. Then tell us if you think Abby’s plan will work.
Fight:
In your next accounting to spath for reimbursment simply state.
Haircuts do not fall under the heathcare guidlines as outlined by the court in the child custody agreement. Please send me an updated accounting for your reimbursable expenses, reflecting this update, and I will remit payment upon receipt.
Best regards,
Fight.
Simple.
ErinBrock, And that’s how we educate the public! I feel bad for this woman and her son as well. I find it just so interesting that news comes to me about the ex spath now that I never heard when he was around. Just this morning, I received a phone call. The ex is busted, AGAIN. And yes, I smiled…and did the same as you. I explained the personality type and all that comes with it.
Put it in the Spath’s KY jelly? roflmao! That’s a good one!
Fightanotherday, I have the same agreement with my ex regarding our son. He has to pay medical and dental and we split the cost on all major medical after the insurance company has paid. My problem right now is that he isn’t even paying for this child and my child is now without medical and dental. I’m taking him to court for this. The haircut thing is REAL easy. Tell him if he would rather do it another way, you can always go before a judge to have it made CLEAR to him this isn’t a medical or dental expense. He’ll take these off the medical expenses. All he wants is the money from you. It’s so disheartening to deal with this petty garbage, isn’t it? Like life isn’t busy enough already? I really think it would only take you telling him this one time and saying it with meaning. He does NOT want to go before a judge.
This is the hard and cold truth.
Abby, whomever it might be, did give some good advice, however Abby may have left out that it should be slow and easy, in a testing fashion to see whom she can trust. As soon as her gut tells her that her friend has been compromised or questions what she is saying, she should immediately sever ties with the person. She may find one or two people that “take her side.” However, and I’ve seen this many times over, her only chance of a “normal” life is to accept that her current life has been nuked and forget about what these people think about her. She has to start a new life all over again. She has to sever ALL ties, move (without notice) someplace where no one knows her, in essence start all over again. She has to ERASE EVERYTHING from the point that she met the guy to the point that she left.
It’s hard and cold, but I am having to do it a third time in my life (I’m 52). This time, unfortunately, I am having to sever ties with all of my family (Mother and extended included), with the exception of 1 cousin who lived in a similar situation. They are all compromised in a close knit extended family of 27. I’m a guy and it’s my older Brother. Some of the family members can still turn around and see the truth, but that’s up to them. In this electronic age, I’ll maintain some contact with them and see what happens.
The two most troubling issues that woman has to face are “Killing her husband in her Heart (i.e. he never existed)” and “getting him out of her head (erasure of the bad logic/thinking, the putting down, the feeling of worthlessness, etc).” She’s lucky though, it took me 10 years to erase my Brother from my mind, and because he is my Brother, I have never been able to “kill him in my heart.” It’s tough and no Psychologist can help. I spent thousands and all I got was someone I was paying to agree with me agree with me.
She has to take the bull by the horns, and get out of town for her own good; forget about everyone else!
Finally a word of warning, Sociopathy (spelling) runs in Families. Every single one of My Mother’s Brothers and Sister’s eldest son’s exhibits signs of it – all but my Brother are familial outcasts – from a renowned Surgeon to a Village Idiot.
BuBu
Dear BuBu, You are right there is a big genetic component as well as an environmental one and if a child gets the genes AND the bad upbringing, DOUBLE WHAMMY!
I had to go total NC with every blood relative closer than a first cousin, so I can relate. But you do what you have to do to survive and prosper. Just like a coyote chews off a leg to get out of a trap and keep his life, we have to do the same thing, and chew off a relative here or there until sometimes we feel like coyote without any legs left to chew off. BUT AT LEAST WE’RE ALIVE.
BuBu
There is so much truth to what you say so bluntly:
“accept that her current life has been nuked and forget about what these people think about her. She has to start a new life all over again”
That’s it, any clinging to the banks of this river will be full of pain…the only thing to do is let go and travel down the rapids holding the breath…alone at first and then as real self meet new people, wiser people who are able to love back. It’s an angry twisting river of hate, I’m in it up to my neck and struggling.
“I’m sure the advice would be helpful under most circumstances. But if this guy is a sociopath, there’s a good chance that he’s already started the smear campaign against his wife—telling people that she’s mentally unbalanced, a terrible mother, and cheating on him.”
Not only that, by everyone from friends to relatives, will believe him as his lies are told with ‘conviction’ and ‘veracity.’ The truth can never win when confronted with the confabulations of a sociopath. They will all see him as the victim, the nice guy. The woman will always be the bitter and vindictive one trying to (as the cops told me when he called them after beating me up in front of our children and accusing me of assaulting him first) “ruin a good man who loves his family” – Ha ha! Even the cops who are sociopaths themselves cannot recognize one of their own ilk.
Hi! everyone, I am devastated right now. They feel no remorse. They make you feel that your the one and only and tell you what you want to hear. people are like desposable wipes. The emotional abuse puts a toll on your spirit. i have been married to a Narsistic/socialpath for almost 17years and we have a son. I am planning to get out. I have tried everything with this marriage. i was so desperate one time and went to a psychic. i didn’t tell her much but she held my hand and his picture and she told me that my husband could not feel emotion and was more of a shell. I never forgot what she said to me. I am not one to believe in psychics. I have one year left into my degree. We ended up moving to anouther state with his job and live in the middle of nowhere in the land of oz . I want to get out of this town with my son and support myself and find out who I am again. I live in a small town that knows everbodyand can not get real support without someone knowing something about someone. God knows the sorrow we go through because we are only human wanting to be loved.Only to find that it was just a lie. I have been detaching myself. It is getting easier to do. He is gone most of the time with his job and more relaxed at home.He wants to keep a good front with this small town so doing something that makes him look bad, he will not do as of yet.It just gets discouraging no one here I can relate to about my situation. I am hopeing to get some advice and encouragement here . Thanks!
Dear Dorthy,
Welcome to Love Fraud, sweetie, and yea, we DO get it. Sorry you qualify for membership in our club, but as far as thihs kind of support group goes, this is the best.
Go back through the articles and read them all. KNOWLEDGE=POWER and you need to know all you can before you can heal from this. Don’t expect miracles, and it looks like you are making a PLAN. I hope your son is doing well and is not too damaged by his father.
Keep your plan secret, and I suggest that you start to accumulate some money, even a few bucks in a cash stash, copies of records, SS card, insurance cards, deeds, car titles, credit cards (try to get cards in your name alone if you can do it without tipping him off)
Get extra keys for car made, for house, get any heirloom things of your out of house into a lock box at the bank in a town near you and if you can trust your son let him in on this, but NOT if you have any idea he could be “tortured” to tell anything. SECRECY is the word.
Come here and say as much or as little as you need to. We DO get it and we’ve been there/are there. God bless. There is a real light at the end of the dark tunnel, just keep going that direction!
hi dorothy, ditto what OxDrover said above!!!!! I am glad you found this website, it has helped me so much, and is still helping me!! Yes, read… and keep posting! The people here are a wonderful support group. It sounds like you have a plan to leave that you are carefully thinking about, that’s great, a first step, fabulous! Hope to hear from you again very soon! :0
Welcome Dorothy;
First things first….LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS!!!!
Keep your mouth shut and your ears wide open……take notes, document EVERYTHING….and plan your exit….Silently.
Your actually in a ‘good’ position…..not leaving without thought.
Plan, plan, plan……and gain access to everything your gonna need for a divorce….
Remember////posession is 9/10th of the law…..if you leave without it….you’ll never see it again. If you want it take it….you can worry about it later….
Take copies of all accounts, passwords, keys and stuff oxy suggested.
DO NOT LET ON TO WHAT YOU ARE DOING…..
You will waver…..trust your FIRST instinct and commit to yourself that you WILL follow through.
Know the divorce laws in your area.
Don’t tell him….it won’t make a difference….HE WON”T CHANGE!!!
You won’t scare him into loving you…..by threatening leaving…..
Just make that decision and DO IT!
Passports, take a copy of his Drivers License/passports….copies of EVERYTHING….
If you don’t think you’ll need it ……YOU WILL!
I’m sorry your hurting Dorothy…..You have a journey ahead of you…..but trust….YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!
Have faith, buckle up……and plan on the roller coaster of emotions……two steps forward….one back…….
There is so much suppoort here at LF……so much education and knowledge…..and people willing to hold your hand through this hard time…..
XXOO
EB